Calvin at Camp
by Blue Paratroopa
Summary: The zany adventures of Calvin, Hobbes, the Eds, Jason, Marcus, Charlie Brown, Linus, Snoopy, and their friends at summer camp. Crazy adventures, songs, chase scenes, and parodies are all found in here!
1. ﻿Pilot Episode

Yes, I've taken all the brief, non-special Calvin at Camp's and put them into one big story. Like I've said countless times before, I don't own Calvin and Hobbes, Mario, Ed, Edd 'n Eddy, Foxtrot, or Peanuts. Here's the episode that started it all!

Also, some notes on the camp. It's not in the woods or anything. It's actually a daycamp located on a university campus.

* * *

It was early morning. Calvin's mom was driving him and his tiger friend Hobbes to a day camp. Calvin was complaining, as usual._ "_But I don't wanna go to camp!"

"Susie's mom says that camp is a good idea!" Calvin's mom told him.

"What does she know?" Calvin whispered to himself. Soon he and Hobbes were walking around the camp building. There was nothing really wrong, but Calvin certainly didn't want to be there, so he acted as stubborn as possible.

A loudmouthed kid other than Calvin stood on a table. His name was Eddy. "Step right up! Come and see Eddy's Ed-a-phone!"

Calvin got in line with some other kids to a curtained-off area of the room. "What's this?" he asked a boy named Jimmy.

"Ed, Edd, and Eddy are three con artists who are always trying to rip us off of our money, using scams," he explained. "This is one of them!"

"So fork over your quarters and come on over!" continued Eddy.

"This sounds interesting," said Hobbes. Calvin and Hobbes paid and sat down. The three Eds stood in front of the kids.

"Ladies and gentlemen," announced Eddy, "I will now play 'Lady of Spain' with my amazing Ed-a-phone!"

"If you can't remember the tune of 'It's a Small World,' what makes you think you know 'Lady of Spain?'" asked Edd. "And what, pray tell, is an Ed-a-phone?"

Eddy held up a large mallet._ "_This!"

"Me first, Eddy!" called Ed. Eddy hit Ed and Edd in various parts of their body causing them to sing out "OW!" to the tune of "Lady of Spain." Reaching of the climax of the song, Eddy rose the Ed-a-phone very high. ("Oh my"---Edd) Hebrought it down hard on the Eds' feet. They sang out "AAAHHH!" for a finale.

"That was IT! I want my money back!" said Calvin. Eddy jumped off the stage and ran away with his jar of quarters he'd collected. "Hey, life is full of disappointments, kid! I can't wait to count this!"

"My apologies!" called Edd.

"I hate this place," Calvin sighed. He saw Charlie Brown. "I wonder who that blockhead is."

"That's Charlie Brown," said a boy standing next to him. "Of all the Charlie Browns, he's the Charlie Brown-iest." A dog danced by. "That's his dog. He's kind of crazy. I'm Linus."

"You seem like the only sane person we've met."

"I see. That's a nice tiger. I always carry around this blanket. You'd probably like Jason and Marcus. They're around here, somewhere._.." _

Linus left. Calvin walked away, only to bump into Moe. "I'm here, too, Twinkie." Moe punched Calvin. What a wonderful camp...he painfully got up and noticed Susie.

"There's the reason why we're here! Susie!"

"Let me guess," said Hobbes. "You want revenge."

"Good idea," said Calvin. "We'll get revenge!"

Jason immediately raced over. "Did someone say 'revenge?'"

"I did."

"I'm Jason. Nice tiger."

"Call me Hobbes."

"Linus told me about you two," said Calvin, noticing Jason's friend. "I take it that you're Marcus."

"Sure am."

"Linus is a good kid, though a bit on the wimpy side," said Jason.

"You should talk..." Calvin said under his breath.

Marcus popped in. "If you want revenge, we'll give you revenge, with a little weapon that we like to call...'Quincy.'"

Calvin stared at the little lizard that was being held up. "A chameleon?"

"He's an iguana!" snapped Jason, yanking Quincy away. "Learn some more about lizards, kid!"

"We'll see..." said Hobbes, unsure whether to trust these guys or not.

Jason calmly walked away. "Call me if you change your mind..." he said with a large grin.

Calvin turned back to Hobbes. "How else can we get revenge on Susie?"

"I've got it!" Hobbes whispered something to Calvin. "I like it! Let's go..."

Calvin spied Susie sitting across the room. He dashed over and grabbed Susie's stuffed rabbit, Mr. Bun._ "_HEY! Give Mr. Bun back!"

"No way!" Calvin ran to Jason and handed him Mr. Bun. "Can you cement this thing in less than an hour?"

"I don't do Mafia. I will, however play keep-away!"

"Then, do that!" ordered Calvin. "Don't let Susie get it!" The minute Jason left, Susie ran over._ "_Gimme back Mr. Bun! NOW!"

Calvin calmly leaned against the wall. "If you play your cards right, you'll get Mr. Bun. Now, stay here! Hobbes and I have to plan."

Calvin walked into the nearby supply closet with Hobbes. He saw Kevin, who was looking at the balls stored inside._ "_Soccer balls...check. Kickballs...check. Eddy...WHAT!"Kevin pulled Eddy out of the ball pile."What are YOU doing in here?"

Edd peeked out. "Hiding from the Kanker sisters, naturally."

"They're always trying to get us," said Eddy.

"If I was a log, I'd be the happiest log EVER!" This, of course, was Ed.

"Does one of the sisters have orange curly hair?" asked Calvin.

"Yes..." Edd said nervously, thinking about Lee Kanker.

"And does one have blue hair?" asked Calvin.

"Yeah..." said Eddy, thinking about Marie Kanker.

"And does one have huge buck teeth?"

"Log, log, log," said Ed.

"I think I just saw them in that corner," said Calvin, pointing a few feet over. But the corner was empty. "That's weird...where'd they go?"

Suddenly, the Kankers popped up with the Eds. The Eds screamed and ran away. The Kankers chased them._ "_KANKERS!"

"Who are you?" Kevin asked Calvin.

"I'm Calvin," Calvin said, holding up his stuffed tiger. "This is Hobbes. I assume that you're friends with those three."

"No way! I don't hang out with DORKS!"

"Well, I'm not friends with those nuts either," Calvin said stubbornly.

"I'm assistant counselor. Any enemy of dork, dork, and dorky is a friend of mine."

Kevin walked out, as Susie came in. "Calvin?"

"Oh! Susie! We've made our plans."

"We have?" whispered Hobbes.

"YES! WE HAVE, FLEABRAIN!" Calvin yelled at Hobbes. To Susie, he was just yelling at a toy.

"Stop yelling at your stuffed tiger, and tell me! I want Mr. Bun!"

"You'll get him!" growled Calvin. He turned around and said in a dramatic voice, "In time!"

"Well, what do I do, 'in time?'"

"Hold on a sec..." Calvin put on an army hat, boots, and sunglasses. He put the same stuff on Hobbes, who looked very cute in them. "Meet Generals Calvin and Hobbes! Now, let's get down to business! Jog around this building for me."

"Okay, I ran around the whole building," said Susie, a few minutes later.

Calvin calmly reclined on a bench. "I never told you to jog only one lap. Do a few more for me."

"How many is 'a few?'"

Calvin smiled evilly. "As many as I want."

It started to rain._ "_Oh, COME ON!" complained Susie

"Keep going."

Susie ran a few laps. The Eds followed her, running from the Kankers.

Calvin's next form of torture was a game inside._ "_Now, we'll play Don't Catch."

"How do I do that?" asked a wet Susie.

"I throw the ball at you and you don't catch it."

A little later, Susie stumbled into the main room. It wasn't fair. Calvin was being such a jerk, and there was nothing she could do about it! Thunder crashed outside._ "_I hate this! No matter how many things I do, Calvin won't give me Mr. Bun!"

Susie looked up to see Jason, Quincy and Marcus (dressed as pirates) propping Plank up, so he is over the trash can. On the end of Plank, tied up, sat Mr. Bun.

"Alright, rabbit..." said the pirate Marcus.

"...we're gonna make you walk the Plank!" finished the pirate Jason.

"Stop!" cried Susie. She made a dramatic jump, grabbing Mr. Bun right before he hit the trashcan's dirty contents. After smacking Jason and Marcus a few times, she angrily stomped away. At least Mr. Bun was okay.

"Darn," said Jason. "The life of a pirate is full of disappointments."

Johnny ran over and grabbed Plank._ "_There you are, Plank!"

"Uh...Johnny?" Jason said awkwardly. Johnny was happily rubbing Plank against his face._ "_What?"

"You shouldn't rub him against your face," advised Marcus. "You'll get splinters that way."

"Oh, that's Planks's way of telling me he loves me."

Susie was sitting with Mr. Bun when she realized something. "Hey! Since I have Mr. Bun back, Calvin can't boss me around anymore!"

Calvin and Hobbes were walking down the hall. They saw Kevin and Rolf. "Hey, Calvin! Check this out!"

The Eds were sitting tied up and the Kankers were getting ready to kiss them.

"What's going on?" asked Calvin.

"This happens every other day!" explained Kevin. "The girl dorks catch the boy dorks and make out with them! And we get to watch!"

"In Rolf's village, this was know as the mating of the village idiots," said the foreign boy in an odd accent.

"The Eds don't look like they're having a lot of fun," observed Calvin.

"They're not! That's why it's fun for us!"

Calvin looked a little sad. "So no one helps them?" He could remember lots of times where no one would help him escape from Moe.

"We're not going up against the Kankers!" said Kevin. "Besides, no one likes the Eds, so it doesn't matter."

Calvin turned to Hobbes. "I never thought that I'd feel bad for the Eds..._"_

"If you feel bad for someone, you should help them," said Hobbes.

"You mean I should help THEM!"

"Yep."

"Oh boy..."

Calvin threw on his costume and dashed over to the Kankers in the form of General Calvin._ "_LADIES! HALT!"

"Who's that guy?" asked May.

"I don't know, but he's got a uniform," said Lee.

"Drop and give me twenty!" ordered Calvin.

"Twenty what?" asked Marie.

There was a long pause. "Uh...RUN!"Calvin grabbed the Eds and ran away with them and Hobbes.

"Did the spiky-haired one just save the Ed Boys?" stared Rolf.

"What a dork," said Kevin.

Calvin and the Eds had made it outside, where the rain had stopped.

"You're saving us?" cried Eddy, unable to believe it. "Thanks!"

Calvin started to untie the Eds. "Hey, I've had to deal with bullies before."

"There's just one problem with that," Edd said, scanning the area for the evil sisters. "The Kankers aren't bullies. They're much more complex than that."

"How so?" asked Hobbes.

"Well, they don't give up easily, I'll leave it at that." Just as Edd finished this sentence, the Kankers roared down the road in a red convertible.

"They stole a CAR!" yelled Hobbes.

"Can they drive me to the desert of the salamander people?" smiled Ed.

"What do we do now?" freaked out Calvin.

"KEEP RUNNING!" screamed Hobbes. They dove into a bush. The Kankers passed them.

Edd peeked out. "That bought us some time, but not much."

"This calls for an emergency meeting of GROSS," announced Calvin, putting on his newspaper hat.

"Like my basement?" asked Ed.

"No," corrected Hobbes. "Get Rid Of Slimy girlS._"_

"First we must sing our meeting song," said Calvin.

_**Attention! all rise! This meeting of GROSS**_

_**Is now called to order by the great grandiose**_

_**Dictator for life, the ruler supreme**_

_**The fearless the brave, the held-high-in-esteem...**_

"How much longer is this song?" interrupted Hobbes.

"Hey, we haven't even gotten to my verse yet!" said Hobbes. "Don't rush these things!"

The Kankers drove over and pulled the Eds out from the bushes."Need a lift, boys?"

"HOBBES!" yelled Calvin. "Emergency water balloons! NOW!" Calvin grabbed two water balloons and threw them at the Kankers, missing them entirely.

Edd stared. "Was that supposed to have a purpose?"

"Not really. KEEP RUNNING!"

They ran away AGAIN. Jason and Marcus, meanwhile, were setting up a rocket launch. "It's a wonderful day for a rocket launch:

"I'll scope out the area," said Marcus, looking around. "Bad news. The Kankers are in the way of where the rocket's gonna land."

"So?"

"They're chasing Calvin, Hobbes, Ed, Edd, and Eddy."

Jason put on his own army helmet. "I believe that this has just turned into a rescue mission. Get the explosives."

"There's no time! We need to call in a professional!"

Snoopy roared across the sky on his doghouse._ "_Here's the WWI Flying Ace out to save some soldiers on the front! They won't die on my watch! Release the bombs!"

The Kankers were chasing down the kids, as bombs dropped and exploded all around them._ "_This doesn't make any sense!" cried Edd.

"So?" yelled Calvin. "Keep running!"

The Kankers were hit by a bomb and fell._ "_YES!" cheered Eddy. "He hit the Kankers!"

"Oh dear..." moaned Edd, "they won't be down for long! Keep running!" The Eds ran off, leaving Calvin. "Wow," he said. "I thought the Eds were freaks, but they're not so bad."

"Poor guys," remarked Hobbes. "In constant fear of the Kankers!"

Calvin jumped up. "Let's do something about it! No! Even better!"

"What?"

"Susie will do something about it!"

Susie was playing with Mr. Bun when Generals Calvin and Hobbes approached. She quickly hid her toy.

"SUSIE!" barked Calvin.

"What?"

"It is our orders that you dispose of the Kanker sisters!"

There was a pause. "Why?"

Calvin held up a crude drawing of a rabbit. "Because Mr. Bun's life depends on it! Don't forget that I still have him!"

Susie smiled, knowing he hadn't figured out that she had gotten her toy back. "Okay, 'General' Calvin, I'll do it! You just rest here..." She quickly left and returned a few seconds later._ "_Done!"

Calvin glared at her suspiciously. "That was fast. I want to see the bodies."

"Follow me." They walked into a closet where the Kankers were waiting._ "_Girls!" called Susie. "Here's the kid who helped the Eds get away!"

"What do you think we should do them, girls?" smiled Lee.

"Let's go wild!" cried Marie.

Calvin backed away. "Wha---! Susie, you're rabbit is gonna die!" Susie calmly held up Mr. Bun."Huh?" gasped Calvin. "How did you---you can't..." Susie shut the door and strolled away.

"I guess I deserve this...I think," said Calvin in the darkness.

"Cheer up!" smiled Hobbes. "At least we'll never be bored!"

Screams were heard as the Kankers attacked.

* * *

Uh...as far as first episodes can go, this one wasn't the best. However, it managed to capture the spirits of Foxtrot, the Eds, and of course, Calvin and Hobbes, so it's fine. However, this is a good time to introduce... 

**THE ORIGIN OF CALVIN AT CAMP!**

I'd say I first came up with the series in 2002. I was about 12-13 then, and I just made a list of about fifteen episodes. Each one had a brief description. I figured I could go back and write them later. However, the fifteen episodes were all I could think of. Youknow why? They only had Calvin and Hobbes, no extra characters. Naturally, I was too uncreative to rely on a series supported by Calvin, Hobbes, Susie, Moe, random kids, and a few counselors. That's why everyone else was thrown in. More behind the scenes bits will follow in more chapters.


	2. Dodgeball

**Team 1**

Calvin

Hobbes

Ed

Edd

Eddy

Susie

Jason

Marcus

Snoopy

Charlie Brown

Woodstock

Linus

Rerun

Pigpen

Franklin

Sally

**Team 2**

Lee

May

Marie

Jimmy

Sarah

Moe

Kevin

Nazz

Rolf

Lucy

Peppermint Patty

Marcie

Johnny

Plank

Schroder

It was a grim morning at camp. In the gym, everyone stood on the dodgeball field, playing, well, dodgeball. Team 2 had a serious advantage over the other team, which had the weaker kids. Calvin wasn't too happy about this. "Dodgeball! We have to play DODGEBALL! We have to play the most painful game in history!"

"Oh, come on!" said Hobbes. "It's not so bad!" They both screamed as a few balls whizzed by them, barely missing. Calvin could smell the rubber and feel the wind on his face.

"Dodgeball! We have to play DODGEBALL!" screamed Hobbes.

"Look at the other team!" complained Calvin. "Kevin, Moe, Peppermint Patty, Sarah, the Kankers...they have all the best players! We have Jason, Marcus, the Eds..."

"I only see Ed and Eddy," said Hobbes, scanning the field.

"Yeah...where's Double D?"

Ed and Eddy, standing nearby, were wondering the same thing.

"Where's Double D, Ed?" asked Eddy.

"He is snug as a bug in a carpet!" As a ball or two flew by, Ed opened his jacket to reveal a terrified Edd. "Only dodgeball would drive me to this..."

Eddy pulled him out. "Get outta there, Double D! We're gonna figure out a way to make some money using dodgeball!"

The second he was out, Edd took a look around the field and jumped right back in. "Money! I'd rather have my life!"

"Yeah, whatever. So what if we steal all the balls and sell them back to the kids?"

"LISTEN TO ME! This is a dangerous sport! In a few seconds, we could all get clobbered! Clobbered, do you hear me!"

Eddy paused, and then continued, ignoring Edd. "...so, anyway, we charge a quarter for each ball."

"I don't have time for this! I've got to hide!"

Calvin and Hobbes were still standing in the back of the field. There, they ran into a wall, preventing them from going any farther. They were safer at the back, with a low chance of balls making it back there.

"It all feels so weird," said Hobbes, watching everyone else scramble around.

"Why?"

"Look at us, hiding out here in terror. We can either die on our feet or live on our knees...it's a sad fate."

" Calvin heard a ball smack someone. "Well, knees can be pretty comfortable."

"But it's shameful! I say we get on our feet, run to the front, and fight!"

A ball rolled over to Calvin. He picked it up and felt the texture. "Really?"

"Really."

"Well, I'm with you," said Calvin. He ran onto the field with the ball, screaming a battle cry. "YAAAAAAAAAHH!" He ran all the way to the front, only to get hit by someone. Hobbes watched him and got on his knees.

"Well, I suppose that knees are pretty comfortable...'

Eddy finally kicked Edd out of Edd's jacket, so he had to figure out more ways to avoid dodgeballs...he tried running around, screaming. Jason noticed him. "Hey, fellow nerd!"

"Jason, please! I told you that I hate the term 'nerd!' I'm an intellectual!"

"It's a dork-eat-dork world," said Marcus. "You're a nerd or you're not."

"Fine. What, may I ask, are you doing?"

Jason held up complicated-looking drawings. "We're making blueprints for a weapon that will save us all!"

"The Dodgeball Bazooka!" marveled Marcus.

"The WHAT! Guns are a hazard to yourself and others!"

"It's that, or live in fear," said Jason, putting the final touches on his drawing with a crayon. A ball whizzed by them.

"Make...that...bazooka!" hissed Ed.

There was lots of danger lurking on the other team's side. If you were there, you wouldn't see anyone running around, trying not to get hit (aside from Jimmy). You would see tough offensive kids, ready to pound the heck out of the others with rubber balls. But for the Eds, the true danger was the Kankers, who were watching them.

"I love it when Double D freaks out..." sighed Marie.

"I love big Ed..." said May.

The two were pelted with balls by Lee. "Stay focused! We gotta figure out how we can be with our boyfriends!"

Marie threw a ball back on her. "Yeah, yeah...I got a plan. We get the Eds out and send them to jail over there. Then we get out and go to jail with them!"

"Hey! Less talk and more play!" called Kevin. Lee answered with a ball to his face. "Mind your own business!"

Calvin and Hobbes sat in jail. Jail was actually a pretty good place to be. No one threw balls at the people sitting in jail. The only obstacle to getting there was the painful task of getting hit. But now that it was all over, Calvin was happy to be sitting on the sidelines with his friend. It was boring but it was safe.

"I got hit, not you, Hobbes. Why are you here?"

"I want to keep my best friend company...and I'm scared to death out there."

"Well, it doesn't look like anyone else is doing very well..."

It was true. Another perk of jail for Calvin and Hobbes was to watch the action. Team 1's Charlie Brown and Team 2's Lucy were standing in a face-off on opposite sides of the dodgeball field.

"Oh, Charlie Brown..." Lucy called innocently, "look at how close I am to you...you could just hit me..."

"It's a trap..." Charlie Brown told himself, "she's just trying to get me to go up to her, only so someone else can hit me with a ball."

"I'm in the open...completely helpless..."

"But she could be giving up...I could get her out and be a hero!" Charlie Brown ran over with a ball, prepared to hit her, only to be hit by Kevin first.

"Men can never resist the damsels in distress!" smiled Lucy.

"I think I'll lay right here and die," sighed Charlie Brown.

"We'll need to sneak away from the game to get materials for our weapons," said Jason.

"Someone will notice that you're gone," Edd pointed out.

"We've got it all worked out," smiled Marcus. They put up cardboard cutouts of themselves up and ran away. Edd was skeptical. "Oh, come on! Everyone will know that's not you!"

The fake boys were hit with balls by Kevin. "I hit them, why aren't they going to jail?"

"You must have hit 'em really hard," said Moe.

"I'm surrounded by idiots," moaned Edd.

"Yes I am," added Ed, seconds before he and his two friends were hit. They soon sat in jail with the others.

"Well, we only have one player left," said Calvin, watching Woodstock running around the field, chirping in terror.

"I hope Jason and Marcus come soon..." said Edd, noticing the Kankers getting closer. "Very soon..."

As if he had heard him, Jason ran in. "Never fear, we have bazookas!"

Woodstock was squashed by a ball.

"You're too late," said Calvin. "The game's over."

"Good," said Hobbes. "Wait...why is everyone else going back onto the field?"

Eddy looked sick. "We must be playing a new game!"

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Edd, having a breakdown. Calvin watched them with disgust, having a sudden change of character. He didn't want to die again in this game! They needed help! "That's it! It's time that an old friend returns..." Calvin put on his General Calvin suit. "It's time for GENERAL CALVIN!"

"WHO?"

"I am generally messy," smiled Ed.

"Don't you guys see our potential?" asked Calvin. "We have bazookas! If we use them the right way, we can win! You've gotta believe! You've gotta be strong! You've gotta sharpen your claws, fluff up you tail and sing this fighting song!

_**Small but mighty**_

_**Small but mighty**_

_**When you're powerful and wise**_

_**You can rise above any size**_

_**If you belittle being little**_

_**Then you're quest is doomed to fail**_

_**But when you're small but mighty**_

_**The mighty shall prevail!"**_

Hobbes got into it as well. "You've gotta persist! Never say die! You've gotta be fierce and fearless now and follow this battle cry!"

Calvin and Hobbes: **_Small but mighty_**

_**Small but mighty**_

_**When you're powerful and wise**_

_**You can rise above any size**_

_**If you belittle being little**_

_**Then you're quest is doomed to fail**_

_**But when you're small but mighty...**_

(Ed: Small but mighty!)

Everyone: **_When you're small but mighty_**

_**The mighty shall prevail!**_

"Onward!"

The team ran onto the field. Jason and Marcus loaded their bazookas and fire. The Kankers were quickly taken out.

"That's the way!" coached Calvin. "Fire at will! Dodge those balls! It's us against them, and we're gonna win! Throw it harder!"

"I notice that you're not doing a thing," Hobbes pointed out.

"I'm motivating them."

"HEY!" called Kevin. "They don't allow ball gun things!"

"It doesn't say anywhere that we can't use them!" Marcus called back.

Jason was suspicious. "I think that the other team is planning something against us. Well, I've got a plan that involves the other team's plan and us planning against their plan that's planning against us!"

"Um...repeat that."

"We need an undercover agent...we need Quincy."

A few seconds later, Quincy with his iguana cam was tossed onto the other team's side. He crawled along as Jason and Marcus watched the camera feed on a TV that they had brought. Eddy was the most taken with the idea. "This is great! We can make a scam out of this somehow! How about we make people pay us to spy on someone!"

"Well, I can't steer him or anything...naturally, spying will be tough."

Quincy crawled over to Sarah, who was hit by a ball. "ED! You hit me! I'm telling mom!" She looked down and saw Quincy. "JASON!"

The others were watching Sarah on the TV.

"I know!" said Edd. "We could take the Iguana Cam tapes and market them as nature documentaries!"

"That's a good idea, but there's a little problem with that..." said Jason.

On the screen, Sarah threw a ball at the camera, and the screen went black.

"Let me guess..." sighed Calvin, "they all end the same way?"

"QUINCY!"

Unlike Jason, Marcus had thought ahead. He had hired Snoopy to crawl onto the other side. "Armed with a new weapon, the WWI Flying Ace sneaks into enemy territory."

"I can't believe we let him use one of our bazookas," Marcus said, watching Snoopy hide from the other kids, which was hard for him, for there was little to hide behind.

"Not to worry, Marcus," smiled Jason. "Snoopy knows what he's doing."

"Why is he digging a trench?"

But Snoopy was in his own little world right now. "The Flying Ace listens to what the others are saying...'Why is that kid with the big nose from the other team over here? I say we get him...' Uh-oh."

Snoopy found himself punched out by Moe as Kevin grabbed the bazooka. "It's the dorks' gun!" This could be used to his advantage, he realized.

"Where's Snoopy?" Jason asked.

Marcus looked across the field. "There's the Kankers, Johnny, Plank, Sarah...THEY'VE TIED UP SNOOPY!

"Captured by the Red Baron, the WWI Flying Ace plots his escape..." Snoopy narrated to himself.

"Wait," said Calvin, "if Snoopy's been captured, then who has the bazooka?"

"KEVIN!" the kids realized. Kevin laughed across the field. "I love the smell of rubber in the morning..."

"But, Kevin, it's the afternoon!" corrected Jimmy. Kevin shot Jimmy, despite the fact that they were on the same team.

"Oh, dear!" moaned Edd. "Kevin hates us! Now that he has that deadly weapon, we're done for!

Jason wasn't scared at all. "I was worried that this would happen...so I added a little bonus to the bazooka...if you press a button that's right here, the other bazooka explodes!" Jason's bazooka suddenly exploded.

"It appears that Kevin found the button first," sighed Edd.

Meanwhile, Snoopy had crawled over to the Kankers. "The Flying Ace decides to charm his enemies...Did I ever tell you how beautiful you were, you lovely specimen of a lady?"

"Why is that kid lookin' at me?" asked Marie.

"Ignore him," ordered Lee.

"Obviously they've been trained for this type of situation...but I will not give up!"

The other team was in utter chaos. "We need help!" cried Edd.

"We need General Calvin!" said Hobbes. Calvin peeked out of Ed's jacket. "I'm not coming out!"

"But we need your guidance! Wow, I never thought I'd say that."

"No way."

"What happened to 'Small But Mighty?'"

"We had a bazooka then! You can do anything with bazookas!"

Hobbes walked away. "Fine! We'll just lose the game, then!"

"I'm good with that," said Calvin, still inside the jacket. Ed looked up. "A ball I see!" They ducked as a ball flew overhead.

"This is all because we sent Snoopy on enemy territory!" fumed Calvin.

"Well, we could always go get him back," suggested Hobbes.

"Hey, that's a good idea! Let's go!"

A few seconds later, they threw Woodstock onto the other team's side.

"I thought we were going into enemy territory," said Hobbes.

"Are you crazy? We'd die in there!

Calvin and Hobbes were hit by some balls the second Woodstock flew in. Most of Team 1 was now in jail, but Jason, for some reason, had disappeared.

"We can only hope that Woodstock saves Snoopy," said Calvin.

"Why can't I have a normal team like everyone else?" asked Charlie Brown.

Snoopy, meanwhile, was still tied up. "The WWI Flying Ace is in trouble...what can he do to escape? He must play mind games with the guard!" Snoopy stared intently at Plank. "Drat! The guard doesn't even notice our hero!"

Woodstock arrived, to Snoopy's delight. "Woodstock! Help me out!" Woodstock untied Snoopy and they ran onto their side.

"YEAH! SNOOPY'S BACK!" cheered the kids. Snoopy and Woodstock were hit by a ball, losing the game.

"Why did we want him back, anyway?" asked Calvin.

Suddenly, Jason rushed in with another bazooka. "We're not doomed yet, guys! KEVIN! Hold your fire!"

"What is it, dork?"

"I ran off and escaped and built myself a new gun! I realize that we can both blow up each other's guns, but I have a better idea. We'll see who really has the fastest gun on the field! In five minutes, there's gonna be a showdown to determine the winner of the game! Be there!"

Calvin rushed up, frantic. "Are you crazy! Kevin's gonna shoot you!"

"No way! I'm the one who's always had rubber dart guns! If you ask my brother or sister, they'll say that I could shoot anything!"

On the other side...

"Kevin, He-Whose-Eyes-Do-Not-Show may shoot you!" said Rolf, on the other side.

"I've been dealing with the Eds for years! One more dork can't do a thing to me!"

Soon, it was time for the final showdown. That typical "High Noon" music played as Jason and Kevin stood ten paces apart.

"Well, this is it...no backing out," Jason said to himself. "Kevin! Are you ready?"

"I'm ready to blow you away!"

"Can I do it?" asked Moe.

"No, he challenged me!"

Moe and Kevin started arguing over the gun, which accidently fired and hit them both in the face. Jason did a victory dance. "Hey! The were both hit!"

"With their own gun," added Edd.

"Who cares? They're both out...I think! What really matters is that I didn't get hit!" Jason's gun backfired and hit him in the face.

THE END

* * *

If more "game" stories are written, these teams will be used. Team 1 always has the disadvantage, which makes us root for them, right?

Here's some more speical stuff...

**UNUSED CHARACTERS  
**Yes, I had planned characters to come, but they were dropped. For instance, _Invader Zim_ characters would show up, until I realized that I just couldn't write for them. Shame. I think I planned one episode where Zim was convinced that Plank was an alien. Don't ask me why.

Some more characters that were scrapped were...please, please, please don't laugh...Team Rocket. Laugh and I flame you. Remember, when this was originally concieved, I was 12. I wanted recurring villains that were more comic than threat. See, before the Koopas took over this, I used the Kankers, who were more annoying than evil (after I had planned out one story with them attacking in a battleship, I realized that this wasn't going to work). Why were Jessie, James and Meowth there in the first place? The main idea was that they were on a fool's mission to kidnap the kids that was ordered by their boss just to keep them out of his hair. They were dropped when I realized that Pokemon just wanted my money and when all adults were dropped (to keep the spirit of Peanuts and the Eds. Why I left Mario and Luigi in, I'll never know).

Finally, Peter and Paige, Jason's older siblings, were going to be counselors. However, since all the episodes focused on the wacky misadventures of the kids, the two teens felt out of place and only occasionally chimed in to tell the others to shut up. Their main joke would be that they really were no help (Jimmy says he saw mold in the locker room, and they say that it will go away if he ignores it). However, they were so unhelpful that they were hardly in any stories, so they were written out as well.

Oh, and if anyone was wondering, "Small But Mighty" was from the movie _Teacher's Pet_.


	3. Pool Days

Every day at camp, the kids all went to the pool. Today, the Eds stood around a blackboard where Edd was forming his latest tactics to escape from the Kankers. "Okay, here's the plan..."

Ed raised his hand. "Why are the hills alive with the sound of music?"

"CAN IT, LUMPY!" yelled Eddy. Ed and Eddy began to fight. Edd scratched the blackboard to get their attention. "AHEM! As I was saying, we need to hide from the Kankers," he held up a map of the pool. "As you can see, we come out HERE and the Kankers come out THERE."

"SO WHAT?" yelled Eddy.

"Must-see TV!" added Ed.

Edd sighed and threw the map away. "What I'm saying is that we have no hope with the Kankers."

"Woo-hoo!" Eddy said sarcastically. "We're dead."

"I hate my life," moaned Edd. Jason zoomed over. "Hey, fellow nerd! What's wrong?"

"Those Kankers get us every time..."

Jason smiled. "Not if I can help it! I have a secret weapon!" He held up Quincy.

Calvin was the next to inspire him. "Come on, Double D! Those stupid sisters have been bugging you for a long time! Give them what they deserve!"

"And what do they deserve?" asked Hobbes.

"Not now, Hobbes! I'm inspiring him!" Calvin stepped out of the locker room and headed towards the pool. "Today is the day, Hobbes!"

"When you stop coming up with stupid plans?"

"I refuse to answer that! Today's the day when I swim in...THE DEEP END!"

"THE DEEP END?" gasped Hobbes.

"Yes, THE DEEP END!"

Dramatic music played. There was pause. Finally, Hobbes said, "Well, let's get going!" Calvin and Hobbes ran over to the pool. They passed by the Kankers, chasing the Eds.

"C'mon, boys!"

"You know you love us!"

"Surrender now an' I'll go easy on ya, Double D!"

"Someone help us!" screamed Edd.

Jason jumped down from out of nowhere. "Never fear, Quincy is here!"

"You think some stupid lizard is gonna stop us?" laughed Lee.

"He's so dumb!" giggled May. The Kankers laughed. Linus snuck up behind them. "Normally, I hate violence, but I'm sure that everyone has snapped once and again..." He whipped them in the butt with his blanket, knocking them into the pool.

Jason gasped in horror. "Linus! I've never seen you like this! I LOVE IT!" Jason threw Quincy into the pool and the Kankers screamed. "We'll get you for this!"

"Yeah! When we get out of the pool..."

"We can stay in the pool! We got the chameleon!"

"He's an iguana!" yelled Jason. "Come on, this better not become a running gag! It's not even funny!"

Marie threw Quincy across the pool into the deep end.

"I'LL SAVE YOU, QUINCY!" yelled Jason, taking off after the sinking iguana.

Calvin was also heading for the deep end, when Hobbes stopped him. "Hey, wait! I just remembered! You can't swim!"

"Fine! Rub it in! I almost learned! Remember?"

"Oh no...a flashback!"

"Mom signed me up to swimming lessons!" Calvin remembered. "It was horrible!"

"I hate this!" Calvin had said as he walked into his swimming lessons. "Here I am, freezing my buns off a 9 in the morning, about to jump in an oversized bathtub full of iced water and drown! The only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if my class was..." Calvin turned around to see Rosalyn. "...TAUGHT BY MY SADISTIC KID-HATING BABYSITTER!" He quickly jumped into defense mode. "Let me say that this isn't my house! It's a whole new territory! I can do lots of things to you! Both your body and mind are in my powerful hands!"

"But over fifty percent of this area is water, and you're forgetting that you can't swim," reasoned Rosalyn. "Since I can, I have the advantage!"

"Oh...she's good."

"Okay, everyone in the water!" she called.

"I refuse!" Calvin said stubbornly. "I'm freezing as it is! If I do get in, I have to go very slowly! Otherwise, the shock would kill me!"

"I see," Rosalyn said calmly. "Calvin, do you know what a 'rat tail' is?"

"No..."

"It's when you soak a towel and twist it up into a whip. It stings like crazy and is much worse that a little cold water."

"Even sub-zero water like this pool?" Rosalyn cracked the "rat tail." Calvin was soon in the pool. "I always thought that lifeguards were just taught to resuscitate people and things like that. Wait! What if this is all just some insurance scam and she's gonna let us all drown like rats! Oh no!"

Rosalyn got in with the kids. "Okay, first we're going to learn the 'Dead Man's Float.'"

"MOM! HELP! HELP!"

"What I have to put up with to pay for collage..." groaned Rosalyn.

Calvin climbed out of the pool. "I don't want to learn how to swim! I'll just stay on dry land for the rest of my life!"

"What if you fall off a boat?"

Calvin put on a huge life jacket. "No problem."

The flashback was over. "Well, it's the deep end, or your life," said Hobbes.

"Yeah..." sighed Calvin, "I guess I'll stay in the shallow end."

Susie swam by. "Hey, Calvin! Want to swim down to the deep end?"

"Heck no!"

"Chicken."

Jason and Marcus, meanwhile, were hiding Quincy from the Kankers when Calvin ran over. "Jason! You know this place well! Where's the water storage room?"

"Water storage room?" Hobbes said suspiciously. "What are you trying to do?"

Calvin shrugged. "Let most of the water out, so the deep end isn't so deep, what else? Where is it, Jason?"

"The end of the locker room."

Calvin grinned. "Easy stuff."

"The GIRL'S locker room," added Jason.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"If you're gonna do it, hurry up, you only have 15 minutes."

"Oh man!" cried Calvin. "The girls locker room?"

"Give up?" smiled Hobbes, relieved that Calvin wasn't plotting anything. "Good. Let's just play in the shallow end."

The Eds, on the other hand, were still on the run from the Kankers. "Japanese cheese!" yelled Ed.

"Eddy!" cried Edd. "We're not going to live this one!"

"Yes we will!" hissed a determined Eddy. The Eds ran into the safety of the boy's locker room. "Ha! We're safe now! They can't come in the boy's locker room!"

"Never give up, girls!" Lee ordered her sisters. "We're not let in because of our gender!"

"That's not politically correct!" agreed May.

Marcus peeked out of the pool where he and Jason hid from the sisters. "Aren't they taking this TOO far?"

"Nothing's far enough for the Eds!" said Marie. "We're going in!" The Kankers ran inside after the Eds. The Eds turned on all the showers. The Kankers slipped and fell on the wet tiles. They slid across the locker room, but the Eds were gone, having made a hasty escape. Once the dejected Kankers left, the Eds peeked out of a bathroom stall.

"My, the Kankers gave up quickly," said Edd.

They walked to find the Kankers waiting for them. "Let's kiss 'em!"

Calvin sat listening to the Kanker's speech about political correctness. "The Kankers are right!"

"The Kankers are insane," corrected Hobbes.

Calvin jumped up dramatically. "I'm not letting them keep me out of that locker room because of race!"

"Gender."

"That's what I said. Hobbes, it's now or never! We're going into...the girl's locker room!"

"Okay, but if anyone asks, it was YOUR idea."

Soon they made it to the control room. "Here it is...just like Jason said!"

Hobbes looked around, making sure that there was no one around. "We're gonna get in trouble..."

"We are not!" Calvin messed with the controls to drain the water.

"Draining the pool won't help," said Hobbes, rolling his eyes.

"Yes it will!" insisted Calvin.

"The plan may seem good, but you'll just mess it up!"

"Oh, ye of little faith..."

Sarah jumped into the shallow end to hit concrete. The water was gone. "HEY! WHAT GIVES!"

"Some dork ruined the pool!" said Kevin.

The Eds were standing up on the diving board. The Kankers were climbing up the ladder and closing in.

"Double D? I feel moldy."

"Not now, Ed!"

Eddy saw the Kankers reach the top and start to approach them. "We've gotta dive, guys!"

"But there's no water in the pool!" Edd pointed out.

"This must be the work of De-Hi-Drate-Or from 'Attack of the Water Slurppers!' guessed Ed.

"Well, I'm escaping!" Eddy dove in. CRASH! "Ow."

Calvin and Hobbes ran out to find that they had drained the pool too much! Even the deep end had no water! "Uh-oh...BACK TO THE WATER CONTROL ROOM!" The two ran back and turned the water back on high pressure.

The Kankers were taking their time. They knew Ed and Edd had nowhere to go.

"I fear this is the end!" sighed Edd.

"This reminds me of the Robot Monster in---"

"ED! Stop talking about old sci-fi movies! This is real life!"

"Yeah!" agreed Marie, who was inches away. "You can't escape!"

Edd looked down to find that there was water back in the pool. "What? It's a miracle! Dive, Ed!"

They jumped into the pool and splashed under water. Ed bobbed out a few seconds later, riding on a kickboard like a surfboard. He crashed into the wall and was finally grabbed by May.

"Wait!" realized Charlie Brown. "The pool's flooding!"

"Calvin did this!" cried Jason, as the water rose higher and higher

Calvin and Hobbes came out to find everyone glaring at him. "Uh-oh...BACK TO THE---" Calvin was cut off when he was covered with a huge wall of water.

"Uh...**_UNDER THE SEA! UNDER THE SEA!_**

"It's the end of the world, Calvin," glared Lucy.

* * *

I'll be honest with you. This is probably one of my least favorite stories that I've written. It's also one of the shortest episodes. I just feel that it lacked the humor of the others. Still, it's sort of special, as I'm pretty sure it was the first Camp episode I wrote. Thankfully, the next story is one of my favorites. 


	4. The Pool Villain

It was another day at the pool. Calvin was getting changed. "Hey, Hobbes, remember when we drained the pool?"

"It was yesterday. We got in so much trouble. You should apologize."

Calvin rolled his eyes. "To who, fleabrain? The pool? Oh yeah! Water is gonna listen to me!"

"Who knows? Maybe you could save it or something."

"From what?"

"I don't know! Something will happen!"

Edd was heard screaming. Everyone rushed to find that someone had stuffed him into a toilet. "Assistance is needed! Someone forgot to flush!"

Kevin rolled his eyes and pulled Edd out. "What happened to you?"

"Someone came and stuffed me in that foul device! I didn't get a good look at whoever it was!"

Jimmy began screaming next. Everyone rushed over to find him also stuffed in a toilet. "Help! Help! A brute stuffed me here! I'm going to bruise for sure!"

Charlie Brown was then heard screaming. Kevin trudged over. "If he's in a toilet..."

Thankfully, he wasn't. Everyone found a red-looking Charlie Brown turning off a shower. "Someone poured hot water on me!"

Hobbes got an idea. "Hey!" he told Calvin. "This is your chance to apologize to the pool! Stop whoever's doing this!"

"Yeah!" Calvin jumped in front of the crowd of boys. "Everyone! I'm gonna find and stop this 'pool villain!'"

Everyone cheered a little bit, but they all doubted Calvin could do anything.

As they exited their locker room, the girls did the same, tripping over a rope that was tied across the door.

"Ouch," said Linus. "The villain got the girls, too."

Calvin and Hobbes suddenly found themselves wearing wetsuits. "As we stop this pool villain, we'll need to be known as...Aqua Calvin and Hobbes!"

"Aqua?" repeated Hobbes.

"Yeah. It sounds cool. All super heros have cool names."

"And powers."

"No!" argued Calvin. "It's all in the name! Why do you think Stupendous Man's name is so long? The longer, the cooler. And it's cool words, too. I say the word aqua is cool, so that's that. Now, to look for clues underwater! In our submarine!" A submarine suddenly surfaced in the pool.

Hobbes was stunned. "We have a submarine?"

"Sure! All super heros have cool cars and things like that! Batman had the batmobile, and Superman had...I'll get back to him." They got into the sub and submerged, floating through the pool, which now seemed like a vast ocean.

"First, we've got to ask everyone in the pool if they know about the villain," explained Calvin.

Calvin and Hobbes first decided to enlist Jason and Marcus to help. "Sure, we'll help!" smiled Marcus. "Are you ready, Jason?"

"Yep! This plan will get the pool villain out of the pool for sure!" Jason and Marcus launched a rocket into the pool. Everyone jumped out, screaming. A mob formed around the three boys and the stuffed tiger.

"Along with everyone else," added Jason.

Next, Calvin and Hobbes questioned Edd, Charlie Brown, and Jimmy, who all sat along the rim of the pool. "Since you three were the first victims of the pool villain, did you see it or anything?"

"No..." sniffed Jimmy, "it all happened so fast! And---owies! My bruises sting!"

"And that hot water did something to my back," said Charlie Brown. "I think I got a burn. It hurts when you touch it." Snoopy ran over touched it. "AHHHHH!"

"I'm a bit rattled myself," admitted Edd. "I don't think any of us got a look at the villain. But we're not safe."

Eddy and Ed swam over. "Double D! I just had a great idea for a scam!"

"Will it work?"

"I don't think!" Eddy said proudly. "I know!"

"Know what?" asked Calvin.

"No! What?" Ed yelled happily.

There was an awkward pause. "Huh?" said Jimmy.

There was another pause. "Just set up this booth..." sighed Eddy, dropping a floating booth into the water.

"Where did that booth come from?" asked Charlie Brown.

"I can't say I know," said Edd.

"Who loves floating pool toys, guys?" Eddy asked his friends.

"Donald Duck?" guessed Ed.

"No! Everyone, lumpy! That's why I got the Ed...RENT A NOODLE!"

"Why not buy a noodle?" questioned Edd.

"It's all about renting these days!"

"We can charge them by the tentacle!" cried Ed.

Eddy looked surprised. "Uh...I was thinking by the second. Double D, you can be the dealer. Just sit on this inner tube, and charge the suckers cash!"

Edd sat on the inner tube behind the booth. Eddy turned to the others. "You didn't hear a word of this."

Edd suddenly fell down under the water.

"Double D?" cried Eddy. "What happened?"

"Someone let out the air of the inner tube!"

"It's not just that floaty!" gasped Calvin. "Look!" Calvin pointed at a pile of deflated floatation devices that were tossed out of the pool by angry kids.

"Oh no!" cried Jimmy. "The villain strikes again! If only Holmes and Watson were here! I'd even settle for Columbo!"

"Sorry, Jimmy!" smiled Calvin proudly. "You've just got us! But we're gonna find the villain!" He and Hobbes jumped underwater and swam away in their submarine. Snoopy poked Charlie Brown's back, again. "AHHH!"

Aqua Calvin and Hobbes paced around in their sub. "No luck," said Calvin. "While we were questioning those guys, the villain did it again! We're always just one step behind of that crook! Why is this jerk doing it?"

"If only we knew that! It would be easier to stop the villain, then!"

Calvin looked out the sub's huge window at the suddenly huge pool, which really did look like the ocean now. "For now, we can only question the kids. We'd better get back to the surface."

"Hopefully the villain didn't strike again while we were down here," said Hobbes.

"The villain struck again while you were down there!" yelled Lucy. "Blockheads! Luckily, he didn't come after me."

"But what does this all add up to?" asked Calvin.

Hobbes poked around the shallow end. "There's a clue around here, somewhere..."

"What did the jerk do, Lucy?"

"The blockhead threw Linus out the window. No big loss."

Jimmy floated by on an inner tube. "Jimmy!" called Calvin. "I thought the floaties were all deflated!"

"This one still works!" A dart suddenly hit it. As the air rushed out, the inner tube took off, flying around the pool. "Help!"

"Whoever blew that dart must still be around here!" realized Calvin.

"Well, let's go!" said Hobbes.

"Hey! What about..." Jimmy's voice faded out as he flew higher and farther away. He was now ducking to avoid hitting the ceiling. Calvin and Hobbes ran to where the dart came from, but found nothing. "We're too late! The villain is gone!"

"HELP!" screamed Jimmy.

"Oh yeah...Jimmy," remembered Calvin.

"Well, we'd better save him," groaned Hobbes. Calvin and Hobbes jumped onto the inner tube as it passed by. "Now what?" worried Jimmy.

Calvin looked around, realizing they were really high. "I don't know."

"Look!" pointed Jimmy. "It's the Eds!" The Eds were sitting in the middle of the deep end in a sinking canoe. The Kankers circled it like sharks. "A little help?" called Eddy.

"We require urgent assistance!" called Edd.

"Why are you on a canoe?" asked Calvin, who was now attempting to fly lower to hear the Eds.

"We found it in the pool, so we figured, why not?" said Edd. "Foolish, I'll admit."

"It was a gift from the great badger in the sky!" said Ed.

"The villain must have put it there, knowing they would go on it and sink it!" declared Hobbes.

"This guy's good..." said Calvin. He managed to swoop down and grab Edd by his bathing suit. "Oops, I missed the others."

"Let me steer," said Jimmy.

Edd tried to steer as well. "No, you're doing it all wrong!"

"Geez! Let me do it!" insisted Calvin.

"Where did you get your licence!" said Jimmy, looking up. They had flown into the locker room, heading right towards an open toilet.

"NOT THE TOILET!" cried Edd. Calvin managed to steer them right in. As they entered, Edd flushed it, sending them down. Seconds later, after a short wet voyage, they emerged in the pool. "Yuck!" sputtered Edd. "Bathroom humor!"

Jimmy made a disturbing discovery. "Wait...how exactly did we get from the toilet to the pool?"

"There are Ed and Eddy!" cried Calvin. Ed and Eddy's canoe was almost underwater, and the Kankers were clawing at their feet. "Ed," sighed Eddy, turning to his partner, "scamming with you has been one of the greatest pleasures of my life."

"I like singing about mutant tuna fish!"

"I'm sure you do." At that moment, Calvin and the others swooped down and grabbed the Eds. Laughing and cheering, they started to fly away...until they started sinking. The tube got lower and lower until it was zooming across the pool. The Kankers calmly swam after it.

"We're taking in more water than air!" announced Edd.

"What's that supposed to mean, smart guy?" glared Eddy.

"We're burping!" smiled Ed.

"No. WE'RE SINKING!" On those words, they sank underwater. The Kankers struck.

Calvin and Hobbes once again wandered the long tunnels of their sub, still stumped on the case.

"Too bad about the Eds," said Hobbes.

"Yeah."

"Should we have helped them?" asked Hobbes.

"We should have. Wanna watch TV?"

"I feel guilty."

Calvin rolled his eyes at his tiger. "If I felt guilty for everything I ever did, I'd be dead." Calvin and Hobbes walked into the sub's biggest room. Calvin looked through the periscope to see a few kids getting pelted with volleyballs. "Hobbes! The pool villain is over in the deep end and attacking again!"

Hobbes jumped to the controls. "Full speed ahead!" The sub zoomed forward. Calvin climbed out of the sub and stood on the periscope in a dramatic pose. The sub crashed into the other side of the pool.

Hobbes climbed out as well, inspecting the wreckage. "I think we're too late."

"Well," sighed Calvin in defeat, "it beats another squid attack."

Sarah was on the other side of the pool, about to sit down. She found Quincy staring blankly up at her in her chair. She screamed. "JASON! You'd better not be this 'pool villain!' I just found Quincy in this chair!" She held up Quincy by is tail.

"I didn't do it!" defended Jason, snatching Quincy away. "Besides, Quincy gets away all the time!"

"If you are the villain, I'll kill you."

"Uh-oh." Jason ran over to Hobbes. "Hobbes! You've got to help me! They think I'm the pool villain!"

"We know you're not the pool villain," Hobbes assured his friend. "At least, I hope you're not."

"I'm not! Where's Calvin?"

"Going out of his head trying to find the villain before we have to leave."

An insane Calvin dashed by, chasing Johnny. "It was Plank! Plank did it!"

"You leave my friend alone, you bully!" Johnny smacked Calvin across the face with Plank.

"Ow!" yelled Calvin. "Now I know you're the villain!" Calvin pulled out a squirt gun and chased Johnny.

"What's the threat of a squirt gun if we're surrounded by water?" whispered Jason.

"It's just a plot hole," replied Hobbes. A whistle blew. "And that sound means we're out of time and have to go! Better luck next time, Calvin.

"NOOO! Must..find...Villain!" Calvin slaped Charlie Brown's back for no reason and took off running again.

Hobbes tried to pretend he didn't know Calvin. "Here I was thinking he had gone crazy enough..."

Calvin ran around, throwing various things out of the way. Linus crawled over to him. "Getting thrown through the window hurts..." Calvin ignored him and threw him out the window. Panting, Calvin looked around. Everyone had left. Suddenly, he spied someone across the pool. "Hey...is that...THE VILLAIN!"

Moe, that big bully, was dropping crabs into the pool. "MOE!" gasped Calvin. "You're the pool villain!"

"Yeah," grunted the bully.

Calvin couldn't believe this. "But---but why? Were you getting revenge on someone?"

"No."

"Were you trying to make us angry?"

"No."

"Were you making money somehow?"

"No."

"Then WHY?" screamed Calvin.

Moe shrugged. "I felt like it."

Calvin thought for a second. "I'm not surprised."

Moe finally punched Calvin, who went flying into a storage closet. landing in the pile of deflated floatation devices. Moe grabbed a floating noodle and whipped Calvin a few times. Calvin managed scramble out of the rubber toys just as Moe picked up something that would hurt more...a chair. Calvin zoomed out of the way of the flying chair, but ran right into a wall as the result. He noticed one inner tube that Moe forgot to deflate. He grabbed it pulled the plug. The toy zoomed into Moe, who flew away with it, circling the pool as Jimmy had.

Calvin weakly looked up and triumphantly waved his limp arms. "The last inflated inner tube..."

Moe zoomed down and kicked Calvin into a storage crate. The crate slammed shut and locked itself. Moe threw it out the window. It almost landed on Linus, who got out of the way, only to get hit by a car on the nearby road.

Moe started to leave, only to see Kevin, Jason, Marcus, and the rest of the angry kids. "There's your pool villain!" shouted Jason. The mob closed in.

Calvin climbed in the window. "Ow...I did it! I did it! Someday, I'll return to the pool for more adventures! I'm a hero! Yay!"

Hobbes sighed. "Yes, you did it."

"With no help," groaned Jason.

Calvin bounced around happily. "Yeah! Three cheers for Aqua Calvin! Woo-hoo!" Calvin proudly marched into the locker room. Jason and Hobbes sighed again and followed.

* * *

This story was so much fun, and it's one of my favorites. Many scenes are fast-paced and funny, especially the inner tube chase scene. This episode was originally titled "The Pool Bandit," but that was changed when I realized that he didn't actually steal anything. A sequel has been planned, by the way, just not written yet. 


	5. Attack of the Clones

It was a normal day in the Mushroom Kingdom. Mario was beating up Bowser. Luigi tripped him, and Bowser fell under a Thwomp, which crushed him. "AAAHHH! I've been crushed!"

Mario posed triumphantly on the Thwomp. "Well, Bowser, we win again!"

"You know I'm just going to be back in an over-hyped sequel..."

"We'll be waiting!" said Luigi.

In reality, this was all some irritating story that Calvin was narrating to his friends. Accompanying it was a crude crayon drawing._ "_And so, Mario and Luigi went home and ate pasta! The end."

The audience, Kevin, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Jason, stuffed Hobbes, and Marcus, sat in front of him, slightly shocked and disturbed. They each had a review:

"Your dorky story sucked!"-Kevin.

"It was predictable."-Edd

"It was stupid!"-Eddy

"What just happened?"-Ed

"I don't wanna talk about it..."-Jason

"That was a waste of time."-Marcus

"Forget it!" Calvin argued to the kids walking away. "My story was the best story ever! AND YOU KNOW IT!"

"Well, that's all coming from you," said Hobbes. "I admit that you can't write your own adventure, but you can choose it."

Calvin was confused. "Is that an insult?"

"No, of course not! (You're too slow to even NOTICE when I insult you...)"

"Keep talking, before my mind wanders," said Calvin.

"I'm saying that there are choose your own adventure books right here...and they're about the Mario Brothers!" Hobbes ran into a back closet and threw Calvin a book.

"Really? I never noticed them before."

"You wouldn't."

"Did you insult me again?"

"Just read the stupid book."

Calvin opens the book which was called "Double Trouble." In the book, Mario was running through the Mushroom Kingdom. "Mario was running around one day in the Mushroom Kingdom," narrated Calvin. "When he got to the castle, he noticed something was wrong."

"What's going on in the castle?" Mario asked when he arrived. It was an odd sight...There was two of everyone! Two Princess Peaches ran over.

"Mario!" cried the first one. "Look at this!"

"There are clones of everyone!" cried the second one.

"Including me!" they both said at once. "We don't know who's real and who's a clone!"

"Uh-oh. What do I do?"

"Do something!" yelled the Peaches.

One Mallow ran over. "I know! We can look at everyone with a magnifying glass!"

"Yeah!" said the other Mallow. "The clones could have scales or something!"

"Who's got a magnifying glass?" asked Mario.

One Toad ran over. "I've got one, Mario!"

"Hey, that's mine!" said the other Toad, trying to take it.

"Shut up, you clone!"

"Look who's talking! You're the clone!"

"Give me the magnifying glass," said Mario. He inspected the first Toad. "You're normal..." Mario looked at the second Toad. "Hey, close up...you're made of sand!"

"I knew he was a clone!" said the real Toad.

"There's sand in the Koopahari Desert!" realized one of the Mallows. "I bet that's where the clones are coming from!"

"What kind of logic is that?" asked a Luigi.

Mario ignored Luigi and ran off into the Koopahari Desert...A.K.A. Desert Land...A.K.A. Desert Hill...eh, forget it! It's just gonna be called the Koopahari Desert!

"Somewhere, out there, the Koopas are up to something..."

Calvin suddenly put down the book. "Okay, the book says I can take the long route or the short route...which way do I go?"

"It says the shortcut is dangerous," Hobbes pointed out.

"Who cares? I always take life's shortcuts, and I'm fine!"

"Well..."

In the book, Mario took the shortcut, as Calvin wanted. He ended up in front of a long path of Firey Chain Chomps. He started to cross their path, trying to avoid the fire chomps as best as he could. "Mama mi-a! This is a tricky route! I can't believe the guy reading this chose this path! Some lack of taste!"

"Hey!" said Calvin. "Mario insulted me! Just for that, I'm gonna guide him in the wrong direction!"

Mario ended up running right into the Chain Chomp and caught on fire. He bounced around with a smoking butt. "Owowowowowowowow! Game over!"

"Ha!" laughed Calvin. "I showed that guy a lesson! Italian Plumbers from Brooklyn should never insult a kid in a desert!"

"But now that you've killed off Mario, you'll have nothing to do," said Hobbes.

"Oops," said Calvin, realizing Hobbes was right. "Well, those clones gave me a good idea! I'll make a cloning machine!"

Hobbes shuddered, looking back on previous cloning machines. "We've done that already! And all the times we did, the clones messed something up and nearly ruined you life!"

"That's because I bothered to give them emotions and personalities!" reasoned Calvin. "This time, I'll set the clones to mindless servant drones!"

Soon, Calvin had a cardboard box set up to be a cloning machine (meaning it was just an open box sitting on its' side). He stepped inside. "Okay, Hobbes! Turn the dial to 'mindless servant drones!'"

Hobbes looked at the dials. "Okay, but why is there a setting that says 'super strong evil world domination-bent?'"

"That's in case I ever want to take over the world! Okay, Hobbes, now just press the button, and I'll be cloned!"

"There is no button!" said Hobbes.

"Darn! I forgot to make one!" Calvin popped his head out. "You go make a button. I'll stay here." He sunk back into his box.

Hobbes walked away, doing a little rant to himself. "It's always Hobbes that has to make the buttons...I don't see that little brat going off and doing actual work..."

As soon as Hobbes left, Jason walked over to the box and saw the "super strong evil world domination-bent" label. "Cool!" Jason set the dial to evil (for no real reason) and walked away. Calvin didn't notice because he was still in the box.

Hobbes returned with the button. "Okay, I'm ready." Hobbes pressed the button and a loud "BOINK" echoed through the whole building.

Jimmy heard the boink and hid behind Sarah. "CALVIN, YOU IDIOT!" she yelled. "YOU SCARED JIMMY!"

"What in the world was that?" squeaked Jimmy.

"That was scientific progress!" Calvin proudly announced from inside the box.

"Scientific progress goes 'boink?'" said Edd.

A few clones, looking exactly like Calvin, peeked out with evil looks on their faces. "So this is the world..." said one of them.

"Hey!" yelled the real Calvin. "Only talk when I say so!"

"You can't tell us what to do!" snapped one of the clones. "We're gonna go...uh... take over the world!" Laughing, the clones ran off to do some lasting damage.

Calvin inspected his cloning machine. "Hey! Someone set this on evil! This is bad!" Calvin looked into the hall. A ton of clones were loose and trashing the place with their super strength. "Holy---what are we gonna do!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "Well, we could stop them..."

"We'll be killed out there!" exclaimed Calvin as a trash can flew by. "There's only one thing to do! Leave the planet!"

"We're not going back on Mars, are we?" Hobbes recalled their brief visit to the Red Planet.

"No...we're going into the Mushroom Kingdom!"

"How?" asked Hobbes.

"Easy!" Calvin grabbed a pencil and wrote something in the Mario book. "You see, these choose your own adventure books are full of options! So if I write down the option to jump into the book, we can do it!"

Calvin and Hobbes jumped in, as if warping, and landed next to Mario in the desert.

"I thought Mario was dead!" whispered Hobbes,

"We're a few pages before the Fire Chomps," explained Calvin. "We'll warn him to take the long way this time!"

Mario noticed the two. "Hey, who are you guys?"

"We're Calvin and Hobbes!" Calvin proudly announced. He paused and added, "And you should have known that. See, we're having clone problems in the real world!"

"You mean earth? It's nice to see a real human...and a tiger."

"We're here to tell you to take the long route and not the short one!" warned Hobbes.

"So you guys have been to the Koopahari Desert?"

Calvin thought for a minute. "Let's just say we read a lot about it."

They all started on the long path through the desert. Suddenly, two large Koopas dropped in front of them, each one wearing a helmet.

"It's the Boomerang Brothers!" cried Mario.

"Hey, what are those little things in the sand?" grunted one of them.

"They look like little sausages!" said the other one. The hungry Boomerang Brothers tossed a few boomerangs at them.

Mario jumped out of the way. "And you said the SHORTCUT was bad!"

The boomerangs flew back and hit the trio on the heads. They soon found themselves stuffed into a huge sack full of orange peels.

"Sorry, Mario..." sighed Calvin, "it was either this or Fire Chomps."

"What's really sad is I'll never be able to find out where those clones are coming from," Mario said lowly. "I've let my friends down."

Calvin brightened up. "Don't be so goody-goody!" He jumped onto a big orange peel. "People don' play video games for morals...just violence and adventure! Violence got us into this, and I'm sure it'll get us out!"

Meanwhile, the Boomerang Bros. were walking down the desert path when a huge Chain Chomp rushes out, barking. The Boomerang Bros. screamed and ran in terror, dropping the sacks. Hobbes peeked out. "Hey, we're alive!"

Calvin emerged next. "Yeah! We ARE alive!" They noticed the Chain Chomp. "We're dead."

After running for their lives, the three heros eventually came across a large fortress. "A Koopa fortress!" said Mario. "Inside of that little castle, we'll find our clone answer!"

They cautiously entered the murky dwelling.

"What a dirty place..." commented Hobbes.

Suddenly, the scariest of all creatures in the desert stepped out. He was a huge green monster with a streak of red hair running down his head. He had two huge horns and a large shell. Calvin recognized him as Mario's greatest enemy, Bowser Koopa.

"Welcome to my little fortress, Mario," Bowser said in his gravelly voice. "I don't recognize the kid and cat. Did you and Peach...?"

"No way!" Mario cried in annoyance. "I'm here for questions, and I want answers!"

Bowser smiled, which was not a good sign. "Start asking...you don't have much time." Bowser pulled a switch. Suddenly, a trapdoor opened. Below was a pool of lava. Calvin, Hobbes, and Mario grabbed onto a chain dangling above them, over the smoking pit.

"Ask away, Mario!" called Bowser. "After I answer, you'll have a tour of my lava pool!"

"What's with the clones?" Mario managed to ask.

"My kid, Ludwig, made a cloning machine!" Bowser said proudly. "Soon the whole Kingdom will be so confused, I'll be able to take over it easily!"

"Good idea," said Calvin, "but what if the clones revolt?"

"We've had troubles with clones..." explained Hobbes.

"Well, I'll have to think about that," Bowser said slowly. "I'll think as I watch you TAKE THE PLUNGE!" He gave a huge breath of fire, burning the chain. Screaming, the trio fell towards the lava.

Back in the real world, everyone was running in fear of the clones. The weird thing was, every time one clone walked out of the room, another came in. No one knew that they were actually clones, they just thought Calvin was nuts. Edd and the others were running, when Edd stumbled upon the Mario book. He saw a picture of Calvin, Hobbes, and Mario falling towards the lava.

"COME ON, Double D!" yelled Eddy. "We gotta get outta here! Calvin's gone mad!"

"But this book appears to be about Calvin! It's really..."

"Itsy-bitsy-tinker-dinker!" cried Ed.

"Well, it gives me the option to jump off the chain over the lava," read Edd. "I think I'll do that."

"Whatever! LET'S GO!"

Meanwhile, in Bowser's fortress, Calvin suddenly yelled, "JUMP OFF THE CHAIN!" They jumped off, and ended up knocking Bowser over.

"That was a good idea!" smiled Mario.

"It was like a voice in my head told me to do it..." Calvin said slowly.

"That happens to me a lot," realized Mario. "Now, let's get out of here!"

They ran down a hallway, and down a staircase. There were two doors. "I say we chose the one on the left!" They opened the door to find Wendy O. Koopa on a throne surrounded by almost a million clones!

"You have a lousy sense of direction," said Hobbes.

They slammed the door and ran into the other one. Inside, there was a large hall of mirrors.

"Well, let's see YOUR sense of direction guide us through here!" challenged Calvin.

"I think I can help you guys with this one!" Mario whipped out a hammer and smashed his way through the mirrors.

"See?" Calvin cried in joy. "That was a wonderful act of violence! I told you! People don't play video games for morals!"

They found a door at the end of the mirror maze and opened it. Inside sat Ludwig Von Koopa himself.

"Who's that?" asked Hobbes.

"It's a boss in 'Super Mario Bros. 3!'" said Calvin. "That's Ludwig Von Koopa, Bowser's oldest kid!"

"Mario?" exclaimed Ludwig in a wacky high-pitched voice. "Who's the kid? Did you and Peach...?"

"No! No, no, no!" groaned Mario.

"Well, I suppose you're here about my cloning machine." A huge tower covered with mini-TV screens rolled into the room.

"THAT'S your cloning machine!" yelled Calvin.

"Well," Ludwig shrugged, "I wanted something flashy..."

"When I made my cloning machine, I just used a cardboard box..."

Ludwig flashed them all an evil smile. "I bet your box doesn't work at long-range! I can clone everyone by firing beams from my Desert fortress! Of course, I also programmed my machine to KILL!"

The machine rolled towards Mario, Calvin, and Hobbes. They ran into the hall of mirrors. One mirror was left standing, and the machine saw its' reflection. It cloned itself, and the clone cloned itself. Soon, the room was full of cloning machines cloning themselves.

Calvin peeked out. "This is why I just you boxes..."

Soon, the fortress was so packed, it exploded, taking all the machines with it. Back at the Mushroom Kingdom, all of the clones melted.

"But what happened to Bowser?" asked Hobbes, when the debris cleared. In the distance, A few Koopas in shells could be seen slithering away across the sand.

"Well, that solves the Mushroom Kingdom cloning problem..." said Calvin.

"We've got to face our own problem, though," Hobbes reminded him. "Let's go back to the real world." Calvin and Hobbes jumped down a warp pipe.

"Thanks, guys!" called Mario.

Back at camp, the entire building was an empty ghost town, as far as Calvin could see. "Where is everyone?"

"The clones scared everyone away..." said Hobbes.

"What do we do about the clones?" wondered Calvin.

"While you don't have a plan, I do...you see, you look like the clones, right?"

Calvin and Hobbes continued to plan. Meanwhile, the clones had met in the center of the building.

"It's time, men!" announced the head clone. "We've taken over the camp, but that's not good enough! I say, we take this whole state! This whole world!"

"And then we blow up the world!" yelled another clone.

"Why would we want to blow up the world?" asked yet another clone.

"Well, all bad guys do that..." reasoned the first clone.

As the clones argued, the real Calvin slipped into the group. "Wait!" he said, getting their attention. "I know what we'll do! We'll make more clones! We'll have an ENDLESS ARMY!"

The clones agreed and march into the cloning machine. They didn't notice Hobbes had it reprogrammed to be a teleporter.

"See you, guys!" said the real Calvin. He hit a button, sending all the clones to Pluto.

"Hey...what's going on? We're on Pluto!"

"Well, I say we BLOW UP PLUTO!"

Hobbes gazed into space. "To think that somewhere out there, there are a bunch of psychotic clones. The kids will be mad when they get back, you know."

"We won't be here when they get back!" Calvin and Hobbes jumped back into the Mario book.

* * *

When first concieved, this was supposed to be a one-time appearance of Mario. The whole thing would actually be his adventure with Calvin only making a cameo. It would then go onto a second part where Cavlin makes all the clones. Mario's world was then only supposed to make one more appearance afterwards, in the Eds' episode. However, I soon realized how much fun it would be (and convienient for finding villains) to have Mario and his cast be recurring characters. The clones actually end up being downplayed! (However, a sequel may some day surface, if I feel like it)

Also, in the original book, it was Iggy who invented the machines. However, since Ludwig is the brains in the TV series, and Iggy is more of a duo with Lemmy, the roles have been changed.


	6. The Super Ed Brothers

Calvin finished scribbling something in a Mario Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book. "Okay, I put the option of jumping into the Mario books in all the books, Hobbes."

"What makes you think I want to go back to Mario's world?" asked Hobbes.

"Where's your sense of adventure?" whined Calvin.

"You're talking to me? I live with you! My life is adventure! I don't need anymore! I'd rather be lying in the sun."

"You're being a wet blanket!"

"I am not!" snapped Hobbes. "You know how I feel about wet blankets."

Meanwhile, the Eds were being chased through camp by the Kanker Sisters...again. It was routine for them, and they almost always got caught. The Eds ran into the gym. After losing the Kankers in a kickball game (the Kankers were hit by a ball), the Eds collapsed into the main room.

"It's getting too hard to escape from the Kankers, Eddy!" gasped Edd.

"So? We escaped now, didn't we!"

Ed bounced around happily. "YEAH! VICTORY!"

Edd sighed and walked away. "But...but...oh, why do I even bother? I just can't explain that we got away by pure luck! We might not be so...hey, what's this?" Edd pointed at an open Mario Book.

"So?" asked Eddy.

Eddy began to pick the book up. "Eddy, books are marvelous things! They shouldn't be left on the floor!"

"Just a buncha words..." grumbled Eddy.

Ed suddenly had an idea. "Hey! Let's play knock each other over!"

"Huh?" Eddy looked up in time to see Ed bounding for him. "No, Ed!"

"NO!" Ed knocked them into the open book. Since Calvin had written in the option to enter the Mushroom Kingdom, they had!

Lemmy Koopa, one of Bowser's eight kids, sat at his castle in Iced Land He was known for being the screwball one. "Ahh...what a life...watching the sky..." Flurry, his pet snowman, slid over to him. "Hey, Flurry! Just look a that cold, cold, cold sky!"

Lemmy suddenly spotted the Eds falling. "Kids! Falling out of the sky! I've had to many of those mushrooms (if you know what I mean)! To Iggy's place! We've got kids to capture!" Lemmy jumped on Flurry and slid away.

The Eds landed on a patch of snow. "What happened?" asked Eddy.

Edd looked around at the icy conditions. "My guess is, this book is a portal to whatever it's about."

"And what's it about?" Eddy snapped impatiently.

"I saw as a I fell in, that it's about the Super Mario Bros. series."

"OH BOY!" squealed Ed in delight. "MARIO!"

Eddy was bored. "Mario? Mario is for dorks! There's no blood or gore! You kill something by jumping on its HEAD!"

"That's fun!" insisted Ed. "Like this!" Ed jumped on Eddy, crushing him.

"I wanna go home," Eddy said from under Ed.

"I'd say that we're in Iced Land from 1990's 'Super Mario Bros. 3.'" said Edd.

"Since when do you know so much?" glared Eddy.

Edd looked embarrassed. "Well, I do like the games..."

"This stinks."

"EDDY! HELP!" Edd was suddenly grabbed by Iggy and Lemmy and was dragged towards their mode of transportation, the Clown Copter. Flurry followed. "IGGY AND LEMMY KOOPA HAVE ME, EDDY!"

Ed was still happy. "Oh boy! Koopalings!"

Lemmy and Iggy threw Edd in the Clown Copter. Flurry tried to jump, but missed and fell into the water. Lemmy pulled him out. "HELP!" Edd screamed from inside the ship. The Copter flew away.

"What are ya waiting for, Ed?" cried Eddy. "Let's go!"

"HIYA, BOYS!" called three familiar girl voices.

"Kankers! How did---never mind! RUN, ED!" Ed and Eddy ran away, with the Kankers behind. They soon reached a dead end---a wall of ice. "They're gonna get us now!"

"A Fire Melon I see!" exclaimed Ed.

"Huh?"

Ed pointed at a red melon from "Yoshi's Island. Ed extended his tongue Yoshi-style and ate it.

"So what?" asked Eddy.

"It lets me breath fire!" As Ed said this, he scorched Eddy.

"Well, then, LET'S GO!"

Ed melted the ice and they ran through. They jumped across a bunch of Flurries. The Kankers slid across the ice after the Eds. The Eds grabbed onto a balloon, and dropped the bombs it held on the Kankers. Ed breathed fire on the ice that the Kankers were standing on melting it. The Kankers fell into the ocean. The Eds jumped off the balloon and into a warp pipe. They emerged in the clouds. "Where are now?"

Ed thought. "Uh...here?"

"NO! WHAT AREA IS THIS!"

"Oh! Uh, Skyland!" Clown Copter was flying in the distance. The two boys ran after it. "The clouds are so soft!" smiled Ed.

"Thanks!" called one of the clouds.

Eddy looked up in surprise. "Talking clouds...?" A shadow flew over them. "What's that?"

"It is a Blue Koopa Paratroopa!" said Ed. "A big one!"

A huge three-headed Paratroopa swooped down and grabbed the boys (A paratroopa is a Koopa with wings, by the way). "HELP!"

Calvin and Hobbes, meanwhile, were blissfully chasing each other around camp when they realized that the Eds were nowhere to be found. "Hobbes, have you seen the Eds?"

"They showed up, today. I don't know."

Calvin saw the open Mario book. "Hey, do you think---"

"Oh no!" groaned Hobbes. "I thought that we were done with Mario!"

"Not today, Hobbes! Let's a-go!" Calvin and Hobbes jumped into the book.

"This one is weird!" said Ed, as the Paratroopa flew them to Darkland.

"So are you!" snapped Eddy, not happy to be there.

"But, Eddy, this one has three heads! Normal ones only have one!"

"That's 'cause I'm a Soopa Patroopa!" said the monster. "Bowser Koopa mixed three Patroopas into his new monster-mixer!"

"Monster-mixer?" repeated Eddy.

"Yep, you put several monsters in, and one big monster comes out!"

"Oh no!" gasped Ed.

"In fact," the monster continued, "I'm taking you to Castle Koopa right now! You'll be good mixes!"

"Why you..." Eddy got so mad, he bit the Paratroopa!

"OW!" The Patroopa dropped them.

"That was a snap!" laughed Eddy. He looked up to see the Patroopa was landing and about to crush them.

"NOT COOL!" yelled Ed.

"Looks like 'the end!'" said Eddy. They rolled out of the way, and the Patroopa crashed into the ground, leaving a huge, deep crater.

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Ed. "What a tree bark!"

"Sap, Ed, sap," corrected Eddy.

"Stop laughing!" called the faint voice of the Paratroopa. "You won't be, when Bowser throws your friend into the monster-mixer!"

"Double D?" said Eddy. "In the Monster-mixer?"

"We gotta save him, Eddy!"

"Well, let's go!"

Calvin and Hobbes, meanwhile, were running through Grass Land on the other side of the kingdom. "Grass Land!" groaned Calvin. "We'll never get to Castle Koopa at this rate!"

"Why do you think they went there?" asked Hobbes.

"These are the Eds! The minute they got here, they were probably got captured!"

Suddenly, an group of Koopas with fuses and bomb bodies ran over to them. Calvin stared at the funny things. "Koopas with Bob-omb bodies?"

"I'll put a stop the this!" said Hobbes. Hobbes juggled the Koopas and tossed them into the distance, where they exploded. "Let's keep looking for our friends!"

Iggy, Lemmy, and Flurry were gathered in the dark halls of their castle. "I put the nerd in Ludwig's lab," said Iggy.

"Good! The other two are coming! I have an idea for a trap that we can set!"

The Eds were running to Castle Koopa, but found the path to it covered in sleeping Goombas. They snuck across, but loud singing from nowhere woke the Goombas. Ed and Eddy dove into the bushes.

Koopas: **_Koopa! Koopa!_**

_**Rah, rah, rah!**_

_**Koopa! Koopa!**_

_**Sis-boom-bah!**_

_**Who's the leader of us all?**_

_**Koopa! Koopa!**_

_**That's our call!**_

An army of Koopas passed them. "They sing that every time..." said a voice.

"How'd you know that, Ed?" asked Eddy, thinking Ed had said it.

"Know what?"

"I said it!" said one of the bushes, which could apparently talk.

"If you want to know what's going on, talk to the shrubs!" said the other one.

"Geez, does everything talk?" groaned Eddy.

"How do we get into Castle Koopa?" asked Ed.

"Quit trying to root out information!" said the bush, unaware of his horrible pun.

"Yeah!" said the other one. "Here's the dirt! There's a trapdoor leading inside, and you're on it!"

The trapdoor opened, and the Eds fell through. "Stupid bush!" They landed in a pit. "Oh...the pain..."

Ed sat up. "I'm lovin' it! Lumberjack Santa!" They looked up to see Iggy, Lemmy and Flurry.

"We got us..." started Iggy.

"...some more experiments!" finished Lemmy.

"King Dad will be so proud!" they said togehter.

Ed's eyes grew wide. "You mean---King Bowser Koopa?"

"The one and only!" smiled Lemmy.

"Enough talk!" said Iggy. "Get 'em!"

Iggy and Lemmy started to chase Ed and Eddy around. Calvin and Hobbes popped in from a warp pipe. Calvin got a Fire Flower, and Hobbes got a Tanooki Suit. Hobbes swat Lemmy with his tail, and Calvin fireballed Iggy. The two Koopas crashed into each other. Flurry tripped Ed, who fell on Eddy. Hobbes tried to grab Flurry, but he slipped away. The Koopa army burst in and grabbed Ed and Eddy. A Chain-chomp with a fire body flew under Calvin. "Hot seat for Calvin!"

"Yeow!" Calvin crashed into Hobbes. They lost their powers.

Our heros (and Edd) were soon tied up in Ludwig Von Koopa's Lab.

"Some more new experiments!" cried Ludwig. "As you can see, we can get a bit mixed-up at times...when I combined Bob-ombs with Buzzy Beetles, they couldn't even come out of their shell! However, I combined the fuse of a Bob-omb to a Koopa Troopa and got the Noko Bon!" Ludwig held up one. "Give it a stomp, and it turns into a bomb and EXPLODES ON YOU HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Let me try it!" Iggy stomped on one, and tossed it to Edd.

"Yaaah!" Edd managed to toss it back to Iggy, Lemmy, and Flurry. It exploded and blew the three away.

Bowser watched them disappear. "They won't come down for a while, now! Before I experiment on these three, I must do an experiment that I've been wanting to do for a long time! A Piranha Plant mixed with a Fire Plant!" Bowser tossed them both in. A burned up plant came out.

"Please kill me..." wheezed the plant.

Ludwig landed. "Well, everyone has their off days..."

Edd looked around the dungeon. "Oh my! What a filthy place! HOW CAN YOU LIVE LIKE THIS!"

Bowser laughed. "It's easy! And you will, too, when we mix you with a Koopa Troopa!"

"First, let's look under that hat of yours!" said Ludwig. The Koopas closed in on Edd. Suddenly, the Kankers burst in through the window. "Lay off our boyfriends!" ordered Lee.

Eddy looked up in more horror than relief. "The Kankers?"

"I don't care who they are!" said Bowser.

"Get out of my lab!" yelled Ludwig.

Bowser jumped into his clown copter and dropped some bowling balls out. The Kankers avoided them. Bowser bounced around and tried to crush them. Several Mecha-Koopas marched in. The Kankers tossed them at Bowser, who was knocked out of the copter. He breathed fire, but the Kankers threw Yoshi eggs at him. Lee grabbed Bowser's legs and spun him around. He flew into a pile of bombs. Weak, he tried to stomp on them. They got out of the way, and Bowser fell through the floor. He climbed up and chased them onto a bridge over lava. Bowser jumped for them, but the ran under him and used and axe to chop down his bridge. Bowser fell into the lava and bounced around, screaming. Ludwig ran over. "King Dad! Are you okay?" Marie pushed him in. Ludwig bounced and screamed, too.

"That teaches them to mess with our boyfriends!" said Marie. The Kankers turned to the prisoners, but they were gone.

Iggy, Lemmy, and Flurry rushed over to the lava.

"Ow!" yelled Bowser. "The pain! Help me!"

"And me!" added Ludwig.

Lemmy innocently smiled. "Sorry, guys, but Flurry's a snowman and doesn't do well with lava. He's good with anything else, even the desert sun, but not lava! Let's go, Iggy." They left.

"No!" called Ludwig. "Don't go!"

"I can't stand it!" hissed Bowser.

The kids triumphantly returned to camp, Calvin explaining all the way. When they arrived, they didn't notice a Micro-Goomba managing to emerge as well.

"I guess Mario isn't so dorky, after all," said Eddy.

"But I know something more dangerous..." said Edd.

"What?" asked Ed.

"Hiya, boys!"

"THE KANKER SISTERS!" The Eds ran away screaming.

Meanwhile, the little Goomba grabbed a pen and scribbled out "The Koopas can come into the real world any time they want!" in the book. Of course, this would soon be used to their advantage...

* * *

This story was at first going to be a fantasy sequence the Eds went on.It would end to them flashing back to reality (much like the end of "One+OneEd") where they would find out that the Koopas were theKankers all along. Of course, when Mario became real, the story was changed (the original, in fact, was never written!). This is based on the "Monster-Mixer" choose your own adventure book. A sequel has been written, and will soon be posted. 


	7. Calvin On Wheels

Calvin and Hobbes were chasing each other with water balloons at camp. Suddenly, Calvin ran into a cardboard box just sitting there in the hall. "Hey! A box! I say that I take it and use it for my own evil needs!"

"Why are your needs always evil?" asked Hobbes.

"Because it's fun!" defended Calvin. "Just watch me at the wheel! I will from now on be known as...Speed Calvin!"

Calvin entered yet another one of his fantasies which portrayed him as a racer with a Power Rangers-style helmet on. (I don't like the Power Rangers)

"Speed Calvin is off in a flash!" Calvin narrated, as his ego zoomed down the road. "Nagging tigers mean nothing to him! He zips and doo-dahs around each bend! His car is nothing but a blur! But Speed Calvin is not in a race! He is after some spies from...uh...the government!"

In reality, Calvin was simply sitting in the box pretending to drive.

"You realize that you're not going anywhere," said Hobbes.

Calvin jumped out. "You're right, nagging tiger! I'll go add wheels!"

"What did you call me?"

A few minutes later, the Eds walked to the exact spot that the box was. "Hey!" cried Eddy. "Where's my box! I was gonna use that for our box theme park!"

"Eddy, it doesn't matter," reasoned Edd. "We couldn't make a theme park using one box! We'll get more."

Eddy started looking around all over the hall. "I know who it is! It's that serial toucher! I knew we'd see him again! No box is safe!"

"Eddy, that's silly! If we flash back to the episode 'The Ed-Touchables,' you'll remember that there WAS no serial toucher!"

"Well, there is now! Round up the suspects, boys!"

"I haven't had a line yet, Eddy," said Ed.

Meanwhile, Calvin had added wheels to his box, and was driving around, still as Speed Calvin. He hid in a corridor in the hall, as the Eds walked by with Snoopy, who was dressed as a detective.

"It's a meeting of the spies!" narrated Calvin. "Speed Calvin waits to make his move!"

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust," said Ed. "The Great Snoopy will find it. He must, he must."

"What's with his suit!" glared Eddy.

"Dust to dust, ashes to ashes. The Great Snoopy never wears anything that clashes."

Calvin zoomed out. "At this point, Speed Calvin chooses to attack!"

The Eds and Snoopy scrambled in fear. Edd was not fast enough.

"The spies run for their pitiful lives, but Speed Calvin is too fast for one!" narrated Calvin. "He runs over the filthy villain! He is the first to suffer!"

Edd lay flattened on the ground. "Tire tracks on my shirt...TIRE TRACKS ON MY SHIRT, EDDY!"

"Well, I found your box," said Snoopy calmly.

"What was that!" yelled Eddy as the box disappeared down the hall.

"That was Speed Calvin!" called Calvin. Eddy just sat there, staring and looking as if he was about to go insane.

"Case closed," said Snoopy. He then went to go find Hobbes. "Hobbes, how much do you charge someone for finding a box with some crazy kid in it? 50 dollars?"

Hobbes sat up. "Is THAT what's going on with Calvin? I better go save him from the kids...again."

Meanwhile, Calvin drove by Susie and threw a water balloon at her. "How'd you like your drive-by water ballooning! Ha ha! Life is good sometimes..."

Eddy popped up, somehow having gotten into Calvin's box. "GIMMIE BACK MY BOX!"

"A spy has stowed away in Speed Calvin's car!" narrated Calvin. "How will he save himself!"

Eddy grabbed the steering wheel. "Let ME steer!" They steered their way around the building, crashing into kids on the way.

"But they are now approaching something more dangerous than ever..." narrated Calvin, looking up. On the road sat..."THE KANKERS!"

The Kankers were soon also in the box, which was now out of control. In the end, everyone but Calvin was kicked out. Calvin triumphantly drove away, running over Jimmy.

Edd, Eddy, and Hobbes ran by. "Oh, dear!" moaned Edd. "Calvin must have been here! Look at Jimmy!"

"There's the box!" said Hobbes. Hobbes pointed at the empty box.

"MY BOX!" Eddy hugged it lovingly.

"Wait," said Hobbes, "why would Calvin just leave his box there?"

Suddenly, Calvin was by Hobbes and Edd, holding a water balloon. "Hey, spy! Drop the box or your comrades get it!"

Eddy danced away. "Do whatever you want with them! It's my box now!"

Calvin soaked Edd and Hobbes and chases after Eddy.

Hobbes glared at Edd. "How can you put up with Eddy?"

"How can you put up with Calvin?" Edd shot back.

Calvin caught up with Eddy, and both were soon fighting again. Eddy ended up getting thrown out. Snoopy handed him something. "What's this? A bill? 200 BUCKS!"

Calvin continued to drive. However, he had injured a lot of kids with his box. They formed a mob and surrounded him. "Darn spies!" grumbled Calvin.

Eddy burst through the mob. "GIVE ME BACK MY BOX!"

"Look, I say it's MY box!" said Calvin. "But, I'll play you for it!"

"What game?" asked Kevin.

Ed jumped up. "Let's play fetch!"

Calvin put on a black mask. "We're gonna play Calvinball!"

_**Other kid's games are such a bore**_

_**You've gotta have rules and you've gotta keep score**_

_**Calvinball is the best by far**_

_**It's never the same**_

_**It's always bizarre**_

_**You don't need a team or a referee**_

_**You know it's great**_

'_**Cause it's named after me**_

_**If you wanna...**_

"Just start!" yelled Eddy. Soon everyone was wearing a black mask.

"Calvin, why are we wearing these?" asked Edd.

"You must never question the masks!" Calvin said solemnly. "Okay, is everyone ready? GAME START!"

The result was chaos. Everyone was beating each other up, and running frantically in circles.

"They don't seem to know how to play," said Hobbes.

"That's the point!" Calvin grabbed a random ball. "I have the winner's ball, so I win! Now to go and play with my box!"

Edd watched Calvin run off. "It's as if he made the whole game up as he went along!"

"Well, that's sort of the point..." said Hobbes.

Calvin ran back. "I can't find my box!"

Jason and Marcus, meanwhile, were driving away in Calvin's box. "Stealing a car is fun!" said Jason. "Let's move to New York!"

"At least we won't need to hotwire it..." said Marcus.

Calvin and Hobbes ended up getting tossed out of the building by the fed up kids. "Why did they kick ME out!" complained Hobbes.

"Well, I'm no longer on wheels, and the episode is only half-over!" said Calvin. "This stinks!"

"Well, if we keep walking, we'll find something to do..." After some wandering, the duo came across am empty bus with an open door just sitting there, like the box.

"Who would leave a bus sitting here?" asked Hobbes.

"Well, someone left a box sitting at camp," said Calvin. "I say we do the same thing I did with the box and take this!"

"But you could hardly drive that box safely!" cried Hobbes.

Calvin climbed inside. "Who said anything about driving safely? Besides, it's got keys right here!" Calvin held up some keys.

"There's a keychain of a Blue Paratroopa on it, with the words 'Koopa,'" Hobbes pointed out. "Do you think those guys somehow got out here?"

"Well, there are a lot of Koopa fans out there," said Calvin. "And how could you not love those blue flying turtles with wings?"

Bowser and Ludwig Koopa peeked out from the bushes. "Once they start the bus, the doors will close and lock themselves, and the brakes won't work!" said Ludwig. "Best of all, Calvin won't be able to slow down! He and Hobbes will drive until they crash!"

"Revenge!" Bowser hissed. "I'll have revenge!" Yes, Calvin had not only helped stopped a cloning plot Bowser had hatched, but he also was party responsible for the Kanker Sisters getting into the Mushroom Kingdom and trashing Bowser's fortress!

Calvin started up the bus. Just like Ludwig said, the doors all locked themselves and the bus started driving slowly. "Hobbes, we're moving!"

"I'm gonna be sick," groaned Hobbes.

"What's to be sick about?"

"Impending doom makes me nauseous..." Hobbes said.

Calvin smiled. "Just relax, Hobbes! The open road! It makes you wanna sing!"

"I'd rather not..."

The bus passed Edd and Ed, who were sitting by the road. "Look, Ed," said Ed, "one of our many buses, transporting people here and there. Who knows where the people in there are going? It almost makes me feel optimistic."

Ed pointed to Calvin in the driver's seat. "A Calvin driving bus, I see!"

"Ed, please use better grammar!" sighed Edd. "You should say, 'I see Calvin driving a bus.' Wait...CALVIN'S DRIVING A BUS!"

The two Eds chased the bus. "Hurry, Ed! We have to go get help before Calvin and Hobbes get hurt!"

"Mahna Mahna!"

Ed and Edd arrived back at camp where Eddy was revealing his newest scam to Jason and Marcus. "Presenting...EDDY'S BOX WORLD!"

"Eddy's Box World" was revealed to be one box just sitting there.

Jason stared. "That's it?"

"Hey, I worked really hard on this!" whined Eddy.

Marcus started to leave. "Try harder."

Edd dashed in. "Gentlemen! Emergency! Calvin's in a bus!"

"Yeah," agreed Jason, "public transportation stinks."

"But he's DRIVING it!"

Meanwhile, Bowser and Ludwig sat watching Calvin calmly drive the bus while singing "On the Road Again."

"He's not crashing!" yelled Bowser. "The bus is fine!"

"Don't worry, King Dad," said Ludwig, "the bus will speed up in one second..."

Just as Ludwig had said, the bus sped up. "Hey, why is the bus going so fast?" asked Calvin.

Hobbes panicked. "I don't know, but the brakes don't work!"

"We're gonna die!" realized Calvin.

Jason flew alongside the bus in a rocket. "Guys! I'm here to help!"

"Try the door!" suggested Jason.

"It won't work!" cried Hobbes.

Jason smiled weakly. "Wow, just add a big director, and we've got ourselves a disaster film!"

Calvin wasn't amused. "Yeah, yeah, yeah...HELP US, IRWIN ALLEN!"

Jason thought for a second. "Fine, how about Woodstock flies into the engine and disables it?"

Woodstock attempted to do this, but got blasted out, covered in smoke.

"Bird down!" cried Hobbes.

"That didn't go as planned..." sighed Jason. Jason pulled out a walkie-talkie and talked to Marcus and Edd. "Guys, how are we doing?"

Marcus and Edd were back at camp, and had a radar set up in the storage closet. "Well," said Marcus, "the bus is still gaining speed, which isn't good."

"It's impossible for a bus to go this fast!" cried Edd, checking some statistics. "I don't know how longer it will be easy to steer!"

"Where are we heading?" asked Jason.

Marcus looked at the radar and some maps. "Right for a tall building."

Calvin, Hobbes, and Jason screamed in horror. The bus somehow got through the building's large doors unharmed, while Jason's rocket hit a tree. Marcus, Edd, and Linus drove up in a go-kart.

"Jason!" called Marcus. "We're here to help!"

Jason scrambled to his feet. "Why is Linus here?"

"It's never a bad idea to have an optimist around!" said Linus.

Meanwhile, the bus was going so fast, it caught on fire. Somehow, it was driving up a staircase, with the others following. Calvin and Hobbes were clinging together in the driver's sear. "Great, just great!" moaned Calvin. "If we set this on fire, we'll end up with a TOWERING INFERNO!"

Hobbes looked up. "You've never even seen 'Towering Inferno.'"

They ended up in the top floor, and were heading straight for a window. They crashed through, and appeared to be falling to their deaths. Jason, Marcus, and Edd jumped onto the bus as it fell for no apparent reason. As they fell, Linus lassoed the bumper of the bus, as the others held on frantically. The little boy was the only thing keeping them up. "Well," Linus strained to hold the blanket, "this is rather interesting..."

"These things happen to me all the time!" Edd called up to him.

"Do you ever come out okay?" asked Jason.

Edd thought for a minute. "No." Bowser and Ludwig stood far below, laughing evilly.

Lucy, meanwhile, had been following Linus, sure he was up to something stupid. She walked in to find him attempting to hold onto the blanket as the others slowly climbed up. "Didn't I tell you to get rid of that stupid blanket?" she snapped.

"This is not a good time!" wheezed Linus.

Lucy grabbed the blanket away from him and looked out the window to see the others and the bus dangling below. "I don't even want to know what blockhead game you're playing."

Lucy calmly dropped the blanket, letting everyone fall. Linus watched in horror. Down below, the Koopas realized that they were about to be hit by a flaming bus and a bunch of kids. Bowser whipped out a magic potion from "Super Mario Bros. 2."

"Magic potion, do your stuff!"

The potion made a huge hole in the floor, which was apparently, a warp zone. Bowser and Ludwig hopped into it, and the bus ended up falling in, too.

"Were those Koopas?" asked Jason in midair.

"Not again!" cried Edd, recalling his last adventure. "This is a warp zone!"

They all landed in the Mushroom Kingdom, and crushed the Koopas.

Marcus looked around. "This is Mario's world! Wow!"

Edd dusted himself off. "Don't worry, one of these pipes will lead home. Now, where's Calvin?"

Calvin and Hobbes drove by on a different go-kart, from "Mario Kart." "Well, Hobbes, it's another adventure!"

"We're on wheels again...whee."

* * *

In this new version, a few scenes have been dropped. One is Calvin and Hobbes singing "Movin' Right Along," because that scene is done again in the Muppet Movie fic. Also, there were three alternate endings, the longest one being left in. In the others, everyone splats and the bus burns up. Actually, the end where Lucy simply drops the blanket and everyone painfully hits the pavement is a funnier ending, but it's satisfying to see the Koopas get crushed. It's these crazy chase stories that are the most fun to write. 


	8. Calvin's Haunted House

Morning at camp was a bright and happy one. Calvin is walking down the halls, feeling completely happy, unaware of the "haunted" events that would soon take place...He suddenly felt eerie vibes as he ended up at a dead end of the hallway by a row of raquetball courts. But the court on the end was different from all of them. There were no kids in it, and the lights were out. Calvin suddenly thought he saw someone sitting against the wall. Hobbes. He cautiously entered to find his favorite tiger sitting in a corner, not moving or even blinking.

"Hobbes?" Calvin said softly. The animal did nothing. Calvin slowly walked over to him. Suddenly, the lights went out, and the door slammed shut. WIth only a tiny bit of light coming in from the hall, it was almost pitch-black. Calvin touched Hobbes, who suddenly came "alive" and sprung at him. Calvin was chased through the darkness, finally crashing painfully into the door. It opened and Calvin stumbles out. "So that's what a heart-attack feels like."

Hobbes, Jason, and Marcus started laughing. "Oh, this was all a prank at my expense?" Calvin glared. "Well, it's only funny when it doesn't happen to me! Hey, this actually gives me an idea..."

"What?" asked Jason.

"We turn this into a haunted house!" cried Calvin enthusiastically. "We charge kids to go in and get scared by us!"

"That won't work," said Marcus. "Who wants to pay good money to get scared by a bunch of guys?"

"Yes it will!" argued Calvin. "After all, amusement parks do it every day!"

Soon, the haunted house was open, and a line of kids formed, happy to see a non-Ed scam for a change. Calvin and a stuffed Hobbes sat outside and were talking money.

"Come on, kids!" Calvin called. "Step right up to the scariest haunted house in this entire state! Walk in alive, and pray you walk out the same way! And going in there is the only way to avoid my annoying voice!"

Jimmy went in first, surprisingly. As he entered, he tried to see anything...but it looked like a dim and empty court. The door shut behind him, leaving him in the darkness. A few seconds passed and nothing happened. But the second Jimmy took a step forward, Jason and Marcus rushed out and circled him. Jimmy screamed, surprised, and ran away, trying to avoid the pair of boys. He ran into a wall, and the others started stomping around, banging and making loud noises. Finally, Calvin opened the door and Jimmy ran out. "That was the scariest thing that ever happened to me!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "We scared Jimmy. Give us a prize. I say we give it the Kevin test."

Kevin walked in next, much tougher. Loud noises were heard from inside. Jason and Marcus ran out, screaming. Kevin calmly followed.

"What!" cried Calvin. "No one upstages them! I say we have Kevin flogged!"

"Is that even legal?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin thought for a second. "Well...hey, Kevin! How would you like a job here?"

Ed, Edd, and Eddy watched the kids pay Calvin from a nearby room. "He's making a scam?" cried Eddy. "ONLY I MAKE THE SCAMS!"

Edd tried to cool his friend down. "Eddy, Calvin has the right to make scams, too. It even looks like this one is working, unlike ours."

"Crypt doors creek!" agreed Ed.

Eddy wasn't happy. "Well, I'M GONNA OUT-SCAM CALVIN! LET'S SEE HOW HE LIKES THAT!"

"You really should stop yelling your sentences, Eddy," urged Edd. "Someone may overhear..."

"It's scam time." Eddy ran into a nearby racquetball court and got right to work, starting to building something.

"There he goes again," sighed Edd. "Why don't we ever try to stop him, Ed?"

"I do not know, Idaho!"

Soon, Eddy had his own haunted house, with a sign up that read "HauntEd Mansion."

Calvin glared at him a few courts over. "Hey...they're trying to run me out of business!"

"Yes," said Hobbes, "I heard him yelling about doing so."

"Well, he won't! We were here first, and we're gonna always have a better scam!"

The Eds started letting people in. Sally and Linus went in first.

Sally got close to Linus. "It looks scary in here. You''ll protect me, won't you, my sweet baboo?"

"I AM NOT YOUR SWEET BABOO!"

They walked in to find an elaborate Foyer that looked like the one in Disneyland and Disney World's Haunted Mansion. The Foyer suddenly fell over, revealing that it was only a cardboard cutout. What was behind was is a room full of pictures of the Eds and a few of Ed's action figures that resembled gargoyles. Eddy's voice rang out over an intercom. "Welcome, foolish mortals! To the HauntED Mansion! We've been dying to have you! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Please, Eddy," said Edd's voice, also over the intercom, "That line is as old as most ghosts. And you're no Paul Frees."

Ed's voice was heard next. "I heard an old lady died on this, guys!"

"Isn't this room supposed to stretch or something?" called Linus. The entire room fell down a long hole in the floor.

"I didn't know this room had a trapdoor," said Edd.

"It doesn't," replied Eddy.

Linus and Sally crawled out. A small vehicle rolled over. Eddy resumed his narration voice. "Bring yourselves into this...'Doom Buggy.'"

"That's a baby carriage!" yelled Sally. They struggled into it.

"I don't think there's enough room," said Linus.

Sally hugged Linus. "Well, we could sit in each other's laps..."

Linus pushed away. "I'm walking."

"Do not pull down on the safety bar, please," narrated Edd, as opposed to Eddy. "I will lower it for you." As the saying was repeated in a few other languages, the bar came down hard on Sally, practically strangling her. The Doom Buggy took off at lightning speed, with Linus rushing after it. After passing a few cardboard chairs and various hand-drawn portraits created by Ed, they went down a long hallway with a Suit of Armor at the end. They passed the Armor, which did nothing. As the Buggy passed, Eddy rushed over to the Armor.

"Hey!" he yelled at it. "You were supposed to scare them!"

The Armor fell over. "I can't move!" Edd said from inside.

The Doom Buggy then entered a Seance Room, with a crystal ball with Ed's face in it.

Eddy's voice returned over the intercom. "This is Madame LeotEd. He..."

"She," Edd corrected, also on the intercom.

"Right, she. She has a remarkable head for mat...mater..."

"Materializing," Edd corrected again.

Eddy continued to struggle with the script. "...materializing the dis...disen...disen...can't you write normal words?"

"It's disembodied!" yelled Edd. "And I'm adding class to our attraction! People like class!"

"Polly wolly doodle!" Ed said from inside the crystal ball.

The Doom Buggy then entered a ballroom, where Ed and Eddy, covered in flour, were dancing. Edd sat at an organ, playing the "88 Fingers Edd" song from "Avast Ye Eds."

"How romantic," Sally sighed dreamily.

Linus covered his face. "I wish I was dead."

"Hey, you'd fit in!" called Eddy.

The Doom Buggy enters the Attic, where an annoyed Edd stood dressed as a ghost Bride.

"I don't get it," said Linus.

They were now in a cemetery. The Eds were scrambling about, trying to play all of the ghosts at once. They are were trying to sing "Grim, Grinning Ghosts."

Eds: **_When the crypt doors creak_**

_**And the tombstones quakes**_

_**Spooks come out for a swing wake!**_

The Eds ended up tripping over each other, and stumbled out dressed as the hitchhiking ghosts. The ride, at this point, was nearing the end. The Doom Buggy stopped.

"I didn't realize the racquetball courts were this big," remarked Linus.

"They're not," said Eddy. "We had to make a few holes leading into other ones."

Edd looked up in shock. "Wait...a few holes? Eddy, do you realize that might..."

Suddenly, the entire court collapsed on the kids. They all stumbled out, in full view of everyone in line for Calvin's haunted house.

"How was it?" Calvin smiled innocently.

"I'd rather not say..." coughed Linus.

"Tell everyone you know!" Eddy called weakly.

Eds: **_So hurry back_**

_**We would like your company!**_

Dejected, Eddy walked back to the main camp room and sat down on the couches. "He's ruined me! No one will care about my scams anymore!...unless I manage to get control of HIS haunted house AND RUN IT INTO THE GROUND!...wow, I do yell a lot."

A few hours later, the kids were all walking to the pool. Calvin was in the bathroom (that would later become Eddy's), unaware that the kids were leaving. Eddy peeked in. "This is gonna be easy!"

As Calvin washed his hands, Eddy dropped a note in. It said "Dear Calvin, we're going to the woods instead of the pool. Look for us there." Eddy ran away without being seen.

Calvin read the not. "The woods? I can find that...I guess."

"He's gonna get lost in those woods!" Eddy thought to himself. "By the time he gets to the actual pool, we'll be back here, and I'LL HAVE HIS SCAM AND TAKE ALL HIS MONEY!...wow, I even shout in my thoughts."

A few minutes later, Calvin was walking towards the woods. Hobbes watched from the group of kids in the distance. "Is there any reason Calvin's walking in the direction of the woods?"

"I don't know..." said Jason, "but it's easy to get lost in the woods. I say we go find him."

"How?" said Marucs. "I didn't see which way he went in there."

"To the Foxmobile!" cried Jason.

Jason, Marcus, and Hobbes were soon in a small flying car whizzing over the woods.

Hobbes was wide-eyed. "Wow. This is...wow."

Marcus was happy that the machine was working. "It's just like the 'Jetsons!' But we're not ripping off the 'Flintstones,' who are sort of rip-offs of the 'Honeymooners!'"

Hobbes spotted a kid walking through the woods. "There's Calvin!" Calvin was walking across a log. "Hey, guys!" he called. "I heard you were gonna be here!"

"What?" said Jason. "We're going to the pool, like every day!"

"But I got a note that said we were going to the woods!" said Calvin.

"Was it anonymous?" asked Marcus.

"Yeah...hey, I've been tricked! No one tricks Calvin!"

"Bowser tricked you into thinking that I was dead," reminded Hobbes.

"Well..."

"And we trick you all the time," said Jason.

"When?"

Jason paused. "Uh...We'll talk about that later! Now, let's fly over to the pool and figure out who's behind this all!"

They started flying. Suddenly, the car started shaking. "What's that?" Calvin asked nervously.

Jason tried to stay calm. "Well, this is one of the first non-government flying cars, so there are bound to be a few problems..."

"Like what?" asked Hobbes.

"Too complicated to explain," said Jason.

Marcus rolled his eyes. "We're out of gas."

Jason looked offended. "Well, you could explain it the easy way, but in truth, there's a very complex reason of WHY we're running out of gas."

"You didn't put in enough."

"Thanks a lot, Marcus. Well, now we're gonna all crash and burn unless we can find a safe landing."

They all screamed, but noticed that they were falling towards the pool building. Thinking fast, Jason steered them in, and they crashed through the huge glass window and land in the indoor pool, almost hitting several kids. Jason smiled. "Wow...what a splash." The car slowly sank into the pool.

A few minutes later, the car was dried off and everyone was again splashing in the pool. Down in the water, Aqua Calvin and Aqua Hobbes steered their submarine around, looking for clues. "Aqua Hobbes, do you realize that I could have died in that crash?"

"Um...I could have died, too."

"I matter more," said Calvin. "Whoever sent me into the woods was either playing a prank or they really have it in for me. I bet it's the pool villain!"

"Moe?"

Calvin was surprised. "The villain was Moe? I was sure it was Wario."

Hobbes shook his head. "No, it was Moe."

"Oh. Wario would have been a lot of fun."

"Yep."

Aqua Calvin looked through his periscope and saw a paper that said "Calvin's a jerk!" in an open storage closet. "Hey! That paper says 'Calvin's a jerk!'"

"What a smart piece of paper," said Hobbes.

"It must be the same guy who sent me into the woods!" Calvin launched himself out of his sub and popped right out of the pool. He ran into the closet and picked up the piece of paper. The then recalled what Hobbes had said. "'What a smart piece of paper...' HEY!"

The door slammed shut. Calvin tried to open it, but it didn't work. He was locked in. "Hey! HEY! I'm in here!"

The sounds of people outside started to fade away, as the kids walked into the locker rooms. "Darn! They're leaving! Wait...I'm stuck in here! It was that guy again! He knew that I would go for the paper! AND I'M NOT A JERK!"

A different door opened behind Calvin. He walked out to find Jason in the locker room. "We heard you in there!" explained Jason. "Good thing this storage room has two doors!"

"The guy who got me lost in woods locked me in there!" cried Calvin.

"Whoever's doing it wants you out of the way or something," said Jason. "I wonder who it is."

"Maybe it's those Koopas," said Hobbes. "Or the Kankers. Or Moe."

"No, that's not it," said Marcus. "The Kankers don't appear to be after you at the moment, Moe would be targeting everyone, and The Koopas would try to actually kill you, not just make sure you couldn't get back to camp."

The last words Marcus had said stuck with Calvin. "'Not just make sure you couldn't get back to camp...' That's it! Whoever's after me doesn't want me to go back to camp! But that means if I actually DO get back to camp, they'll really have it in for me! Everyone watch my back! Seriously...I think I got a sunburn or something..."

Eddy peeked out at them from a locker and slammed it shut. Inside, he had a tiny fortress, full of papers describing scams and ways to get Calvin. He picked up a walkie-talkie. "Ed! Ed! Come in Ed!"

Ed sat next to him in his locker fortress, which looked a lot like his basement. "My name is Ed!"

"I know. Now, look! Calvin's escaped thanks to his stupid friends. They're starting to catch onto me, so we've got to get rid of him and get his scam money right when we get back to camp!"

"Can you feel the hate tonight?"

Eddy ignored him. "Be ready when we get back. CALVIN'S GOING DOWN! Over and out!"

"This concludes out broadcast! Tune in next week!"

The kids were soon back at camp. Calvin was eating something at a table with his friends. They were all finishing.

"I'm done," said Hobbes.

"Me too," said Jason.

"Yeah, I say we open up our haunted house," suggested Marcus.

"You get things ready," said Calvin. "I'll be with you in a second." The others left. Once they were all gone, Ed walked over and literally plopped himself in front of Calvin. Eddy stood behind him, holding cue cards.

Ed read the card out loud. "'Sit down and say, 'hello, Calvin!'"

Calvin stared. "Uh...hello."

Ed continued to read. "'Ask him how he is.'"

Eddy pulled out a card that said "how are you?" "Oh, I'm fine, Eddy!" called Ed.

Calvin looked confused. "Ed, this is just like that episode of your show where Johnny got rid of Plank, and you opened that friend store...wait, 'episode?' 'Show?' What am I talking about?"

Ed read Eddy's last card. "'Grab Calvin and throw him in a racquetball court.' The cards have spoken!"

"Ed, I'm not sure..." Calvin was cut off when Ed grabbed him and did what the card said. Calvin found himself thrown against the white wall of the large empty court. Eddy stepped in. "Well, Calvin! You were better off lost in the woods!"

Calvin jumped up. "Eddy! You're behind this! I could have been killed in the rocket car!"

Eddy shrugged innocently. "It's not like I asked your friends to come and save you! You'd be happier lost than trapped in here!"

"Why? What are you doing?"

"Since there's nothing you can do, I'll tell you! I'm gonna lock you in here, destroy your scam, and steal all your money! And since these courts have small windows on the doors, it will all be in your full view! Best of all, by the time someone hears you in here, I'll be long gone! You're hopeless! Lock the door, Ed!"

Ed locks the door, but Eddy hadn't left yet. "Not with me still in here! Now I'm stuck!"

"Good!" snapped Calvin. "And once I'm out of here, I'm telling everyone about your stupid plot!"

"No way! We're still trapped in here, and I can do anything I want to you! YOU'RE DEAD, CALVIN!" Eddy ran at Calvin when the lights went out. "Did you do that?"

Calvin was just as surprised. "No..."

"Ed?" Eddy called weakly. Thumping noises surrounded them. Suddenly, ghostlike figures appeared on the walls. Eddy fell to his knees. "THESE COURTS REALLY ARE HAUNTED!" They both screamed.

The lights came back on, and Jason, Marcus, and Hobbes walked in.

Eddy looked up. "What just happened?"

"You've been tricked!" smiled Hobbes.

"We heard you in the locker room, ranting about getting Calvin!" explained Jason.

"We had to test some sound effects and projections, so we used you as a test subject!" said Marucs. "I guess they worked!"

Eddy stared wide-eyed. "You all knew it was me?"

Calvin looked embarrassed. "Yeah...all of us..."

"Give it up, Eddy!" said Jason. "No matter what you do to Calvin, we're not letting you near our haunted house!"

Eddy stomped away. "Fine...you got me..."

"Well, that was annoying," said Calvin.

"Yes, but now we can continue with our scam," said Hobbes. "The day isn't over yet."

"Hey, how about we make it a ride through?" suggested Marcus. "Like we have things you can ride in and make it a dark ride!"

"What?" said Calvin. "But that won't work! The Eds tried that!"

"Well, we'd do it right!" argued Marcus.

"No," said Hobbes, "if we did that we'd have to get chickenwire, because all great pretzel rides have that!"

"Pretzel?" yelled Calvin. "Where did THAT come from!"

They all continued to argue when the Kankers walked over. "We want a job here," said Lee.

"Sure!" cried Calvin, without thinking. "Take it!"

Jason had an idea. "Hey, I know...we could make it a pirate ride!"

They kept arguing, as screams were heard from the haunted house. A few angry kids stomped out.

"Do you know what those insane sisters just did to me!" exclaimed Charlie Brown.

Calvin looked nervous. "I'm afraid to ask..."

"I'll put an end to this!" Snoopy ran into the court. A huge explosion was heard seconds later. The kids ran over to find that Snoopy had made a cave-in with his explosion. "Not bad."

"Our money was in there!" cried Calvin.

"And so ends our scam," said Hobbes. Snoopy calmly left.

Eddy watched from a distance. "Ha! I had the Kankers work there! I knew they'd be the downfall of Calvin!"

Ed walked over. Calvin stood far away with cue cards, as Eddy was before.

Ed read the cards. "'Take Eddy into a raquetball court and lock him in with the Kankers...' I will obey!"

"Ed?" Ed grabbed Eddy and ran away.

"You know," said Calvin, "if they didn't get so...'violent' with the guys in there, the Kankers would have been good workers. They're the scariest things at camp, after all!"

* * *

This is one of my favorite stories, based on something I did once when I was younger (it came crashing down in a similar way). This story is also notable for several reasons: It's Sally's only speaking appearence so far, Aqua Calvin returns, we see Eddy's bathroom for the first time (although it's clean here) and this is the sort of first appearence of the Hitchhiking Ghosts in my fics. It's also the first time Eddy is the villain. 


	9. Ego Attack

It was another day at camp, and everyone was walking to the pool...everyone but Calvin and Moe. They were running to the pool. Well, Calvin was just running from Moe.

(To the tune of "One Jump Ahead")

Calvin: **_Gotta keep  
One jump ahead of the bully  
One swing ahead of his brawn  
I think I'll take a sprint along this lawn  
(Keep on running!) _**

One jump ahead of the enemy  
He's dumb, but he is fast  
Life could be a bit less of a blast

Moe: **_Weakling! Wimpy!  
Stupid! Shrimpy!_**

Calvin: **_I am always bothered_**  
Moe: **_You're a target, like no other_**  
Calvin: **_That's a compliment, coming from Moe_**

_**No one's helping me right now!**_

Kankers: **_Once again, Calvin gets his beating  
He's become a target for that slime_**

(Calvin has reached the pool building)

Calvin: **_Gotta keep running...uh, something that rhymes with "beating"  
Gotta duck and cover, gotta cover and duck  
And there's no time to make a rhyme!_**

(Calvin runs through the girls' locker room)  
Calvin: **_One jump ahead of that moron_**

_**One skip ahead of my doom  
Next time gonna use a different room  
One jump ahead of the meanie  
One hit ahead of the fool  
I think I'll lose him at the pool**_

(Calvin has reached the pool. Moe is still chasing him)

Moe: **_Hit him! Punch him!  
Get him! Crunch him! _**

Calvin: **_True, I don't always win_**  
Moe: **_He will be oblivion!_**  
Calvin: **_Gotta dodge and run, run and dodge_**

_**Gotta always sing this song**_

Moe: **_Wrong! _**

(Calvin starts climbing the ladder to the driving board)  
Calvin: **_One jump ahead of the menace _**

(Moe: **_You're dead_**)

**_One hop ahead of that lump_**  
(Ed: **_I'm here_**)

**_One trick ahead of disaster_**  
(Moe: **_He'll splat_**)

**_He's quick, I try to be faster_**  
(Moe: **_Take that!_**)

_**Here goes, better throw my hand in  
Wish me happy landin'  
All I gotta do is jump!**_

Calvin acted like he was jumping, but as Moe ran for him, he got out of the way, sending Moe down into the pool.

"Another victory through song!" said Calvin. He climbed down and sat with his friends.

"Wow, you sure got Moe!" commented Eddy.

Calvin tried to be modest...well, not too modest. "Well, he's big and strong, and I'm...not. But, I always get him!

"...after he's beaten you up ten times," said Hobbes.

"Well, I never see YOU helping me out!" snapped Calvin.

"He's only six, but I'm amazed at how big and scary he is!" said Edd.

"I'm drinking the delicious water from the pool!" called Ed.

"Just don't get too crazy about this victory over Moe," warned Edd. "It won't be long before he gets out of the pool..."

"And that's why I've gotta get back to running!" said Calvin. "Like I said, just keep one jump ahead of him, and you'll be fine!" Calvin sat down in the shallow end of the pool.

"He's dead," said Hobbes.

Later, everyone was getting dressed in the locker room. Calvin was the last person to leave. Suddenly, Moe jumped out. "You can't run forever, twinkie."

"Just watch me! I'll hide while you count to...a high number. See you!" Calvin ran, but Moe threw him into a bathroom stall.

"Time to say good-bye," Moe said in his grim, deep voice. One beating later, Moe came out and left. Calvin crawled out.

(To the tune of "One Jump Ahead (reprise)")

Calvin: **_Weakling, wimpy  
That defines me  
If only I was stronger  
Will I ever bulk up? No siree  
But then again...  
Someday, I could...maybe..._**

Calvin went home and sat in bed, thinking about how he was beaten up. "Sorry about Moe," said Hobbes.

"Why won't he leave me alone?" moaned Calvin. "Spaceman Spiff would get him, and Stupendous Man would REALLY get him, and even Tracer Bullet could get a few swings in...wait...what if I call them all out?"

Hobbes looked uneasy. "You've never done that before."

"Well, I should! Tomorrow morning, Moe gets a beating from all three of my new bodyguards!"

Hobbes had trouble sleeping that night. "We'll all be dead by the end of tomorrow..."

The next morning, Calvin was at camp. Moe walked over. "Wounds heal overnight, so I gotta keep making new ones."

"Moe, look over there!" Moe turned around like a moron, and Calvin ran into a closet. He started concentrating hard. With a POOF, Spaceman Spiff appeared next to him. "Zounds! What sort of planet am I on now?"

"You're on earth, buddy," said Calvin. "I need some help."

"Is there some sort of alien creature about?"

"He's from the planet stupid," joked Calvin.

"I've been there...bad place."

Stupendous Man appeared next. "I was summoned here by ESP forces by a young boy!"

Calvin looked slightly annoyed. "Yeah, I'm the boy. I need help battling a bully."

"From the planet stupid!" added Spiff.

Stupendous looked grim. "I've been there...bad place."

Tracer Bullet was summoned next, in black and white. "I've been called many things. Trace. Tracy. Tracy-Wacy. Of course, I kill anyone who calls me that on the spot. The only name I really go by is Bullet. Tracer Bullet."

"I know," said Calvin. "I need some help. See, there's this bully, Moe."

"From the planet stupid!" cried Spiff.

"Never been there," Bullet said darkly. "Sounds bad. Real bad."

"I get it!" cried Calvin in annoyance. "Now, go out there and get Moe!" The egos ran out, but all went in different directions.

"Do they know where Moe is?" asked Hobbes.

"I don't think so," Calvin said weakly.

"Are any of them headed in Moe's general direction?" asked Hobbes.

"No."

"Well, he's headed in YOUR general direction." It was true. Moe was heading straight for Calvin. Calvin ran.

"People are always saying I should be more helpful," mused Hobbes. "People also say I'm stuffed. People are weird."

Spiff, meanwhile, was wandering around when he came to Lucy playing football with Charlie Brown. "What aggressive customs they have on this planet!" He watched as Lucy pulled the ball away, sending Charlie Brown flying. "It must be a mating dance of sorts! I must take pictures!"

Lucy looked up to see Spiff in her face. "Calvin? What the heck are you doing here?"

Spiff flashed a picture. "It speaks! Amazing!"

"I oughta slug you."

Meanwhile, Stupendous Man was flying through the air. He looked down to see Kevin and Nazz. "It's Tough Jerk Man attacking an innocent woman! I will save the day!" Stupendous Man flew down and punched out Kevin. "Sorry, ma'am, I don't date damsels."

"I'm not a 'damsel!'" cried Nazz. "What did you do to Kevin!"

"No need to thank me! AWAY!" Stupendous Man flew away the second Nazz turned her back.

Meanwhile, Tracer Bullet was walking when he saw Johnny and Plank digging a hole.

"Hey, Calvin!" called Johnny. "Look at our hole!"

"And why did you dig it?" hissed Tracer Bullet. "To hide evidence of a past crime? What horrible acts have you committed, criminal scum?"

"Hey! Don't call me names!"

Bullet pointed at Plank. "And what about your partner, there? What's his story?"

Plank said nothing. "Pleading the fifth won't help you where you're going, buddy!" Tracer Bullet fired a few suction cup darts at Plank.

Johnny hugged his wood in horror. "PLANK!"

Calvin was still running. He turned a corner, to see an angry mob of kids running at him. He turned around to see Moe. "This won't end well." Calvin scrambled around Moe, and out the door. He met Hobbes, lying in the sun. "Hobbes! There's a mob of kids after me!"

"There's always a mob of kids after you."

Calvin looked around in a panic. "Where's Spaceman Spiff and the others?"

"Obviously making some friends."

"If I can find them, I'll be able to prove that I'm not the one doing all this stuff!"

Spiff drove by in a bus. "There he is!" cried Calvin. "...he's got a bus."

"You have a sick mind," said Hobbes.

Calvin grabbed the bus, and was dragged along the road. Spiff saw him and opened the door. Calvin jumped. "What are you doing!" he screamed.

"I'm trying out your ships! They're a lot of fun!"

"You're gonna crash!"

Spiff just laughed. "I'm sure this has a shield of some sort."

Calvin lost it. "That's it! I...I'm sending you back to where you belong! In space!"

Calvin thought hard. Spiff touched him gently. "I'll be right here." On those words, the spaceman vanished.

Calvin looked a little sad. "Well, I'll meet up with him again." Calvin realized that he was still in a runaway bus. He hit the breaks and jumped out before he could crash. Hobbes ran over. "The kids! They have Bullet, and they think he's you!"

"That idiot is gonna get himself killed by them!" groaned Calvin. "What do we do?"

"Find the kids!"

The kids were gathered in the main room. Sarah sat on a judge's stand. Tied up in the center was Bullet. "It's the underworld meeting, and I'm the subject at hand," he narrated to himself. "It looks like Bullet's biting the bullet. I've walked my last. My mind is racing faster than a..."

"SILENCE!" yelled Sarah. "ORDER! ORDER!"

Jimmy steppe up. "Calvin is held here today on account of behavior more reckless than usual, and annoying the heck out of everyone. If found guilty, he will get a beating from all of us, one kid at a time."

"I call Mr. 2X4 to the stand," said Sarah.

Johnny sat down. "Well, Calvin was acting weird! He shot Plank!"

Calvin and Hobbes were hiding and watching from the hallway. "This will not end well unless we save him," said Hobbes.

"I'll send him back like I did with Spiff!" said Calvin.

"In front of all those kids! They'll go crazy!"

Calvin looked innocent. "Is there a problem with that?"

Hobbes started drawing something. "What are you drawing?" asked Calvin. "Is that supposed to be me? My mouth isn't that big!"

"Oh, be quiet." Hobbes turned his drawing into a paper airplane and sent it into the courtroom. Johnny opened it up. "Look! It's a picture of Calvin!"

Sarah grabbed it. "It says he was somewhere else the whole time, and this picture proves it! Well, then, who's this guy?"

Hobbes threw another piece of paper at her. She read it. "'What guy?'"

Calvin had imagined Bullet away, so when everyone looked back at him, no one was there. "Wow..." said Jason.

"What just happened?" asked Charlie Brown.

"An odd phenomenon," remarked Linus. "I say we never speak of this again."

"Well, this solves everything!" said Calvin. "Wait...where did Stupendous Man go?"

Stupendous Man was beating up Moe a few feet away. "You're a freak!" cried the bully. "I'm gettin' outta here!" Moe ran away, screaming.

Calvin was amazed. "Wow, that worked out well...now to send you back."

"No one sends Stupendous Man away!" Stupendous Man jumped into a Mario book.

"I'm not going in there!" said Calvin. "He's the Koopa's problem!"

* * *

This wasn't the best story I ever wrote. Obviously, "One Jump Ahead" is in here to stretch the story out. Really, this is only notable for the first camp episode to have egos other than General Calvin and Aqua Calvin. Spaceman Spiff's parting line is an "E.T." refrence. Alos, this is has an awkward scene where Hobbes reveals that he's aware that some people say he's stuffed. 


	10. Calvin On the Run

Calvin was happily playing Calvinball with Hobbes. Kevin walked in front of them, and they crashed into him. "Hey, dorks! Stop your stupid game! We're gonna play something that isn't dorky!"

Calvin was taken aback. "What? **_Other kids games are such a bore..._**"

Kevin cut him off. "Yeah, I heard it! We're gonna play kickball!"

"Oh, joy. Count me out."

"Hey, you have to listen to me! I'm---"

"You're not king anymore!" Calvin interrupted, remembering a brief time when they all lived under Kevin's rule.

"I'm an assistant counselor! Its against the rules not to obey!"

Calvin stomped outside. "Fine! We'll play...but we won't like it..."

Soon Calvin and Hobbes were sulking on the field outside. "I hate this game...whenever I mess up, people yell at me, or laugh at me."

"Well, if you didn't run from the ball..." said Hobbes.

A kicked ball smacked Calvin in the face. "This is why I run..." he sat up. "Wait...run...run..."

Hobbes stared. "How hard were you hit?"

"That ball just knocked some sense into me, if you'll pardon the pun! Why are we sitting out here? Kevin can't REALLY force us to play this game! I can ditch camp! In fact, I'll ditch camp right now!"

"How?"

"Easy...we run!" Calvin took off.

Kevin was pitching when he looked up to see Calvin running, holding stuffed Hobbes. "Dork! Where are you going?"

"Somewhere else where I don't have to play kickball!"

"Get him!" ordered Kevin.

Rolf gave a loud screech, and the ground started rumbling. A mob of assorted farm animals stomped out and chased Calvin. Lucy and Sarah threw balls. Jason and Marcus hid behind a tree. "Okay, here's the plan to save Calvin..." said Jason.

"We use a rocket?" guessed Marcus.

"How did you know?"

"We always use a rocket."

They launched a rocket that dropped a net on everyone chasing Calvin and Hobbes. "Yeah!" cheered Jason.

Jason and Marcus: **_Born free, as free as the wind blows..._**

Calvin disappeared into the distance.

The kids were soon all sitting in the building's lounge, waiting for Kevin. He was nervously entering an office marked "head counselor."

Ed was happiest of everyone. "That was so cool! I, too, have wanted to be chased by a mob of chickens!"

"Why can't we have normal campers like all the other kids?" sighed Charlie Brown.

"Thanks to that blockhead, Kevin's getting in trouble with the head counselor!" agreed Lucy.

"That's not cool!" said Nazz. "The counselors are like, never around!"

Kevin came out.

"What did she say?" asked Nazz.

"She said that Calvin cold be anywhere. We're gonna get in groups of three, four, or five kids, and look for Calvin."

**Groups**

Ed, Edd ,Eddy

Lee, May, Marie

Jimmy, Sarah, Susie

Sally, Charlie Brown, Linus

Franklin, Peppermint Patty, Marcy

Jason, Marcus

Snoopy, Woodstock

Johnny, Plank

Kevin, Nazz, Rolf, Moe

Rerun, LucySchroderPigpen

Calvin's first stop on the lam was the nearby bowling alley, and he was currently playing a game of "Dance Dance Revolution," but doing a horrible job.

"Great job, Astaire," said Hobbes. "Can we go now?"

"No way! We still have to play all the other games here, like 'Ms. Pac-Man!'"

"When you go to a bowling alley, don't you tend to...bowl?"

They walked by a stack of bowling balls. Woodstock peeked out of one of the holes. He chirped something to Snoopy, who hid behind a desk. Calvin and Hobbes walked up to the desk. Snoopy leaned over, dressed as an employee. He barked something to them.

"My shoe size?" said Hobbes. "I don't wear shoes!"

"Okay, Woodstock..." Snoopy whispered to the little bird, "get the cattle prod ready."

"Do I know you?" Calvin asked Snoopy, unable to recognize him. Snoopy handed Calvin a card. "'Joe Cool?' What kind of name is Joe Cool?"

Calvin turned around to see Woodstock struggling with an electric cattle prod. "I'm not gonna let myself be taken in by a dog and a bird!" cried Calvin. "Do something Hobbes!"

Hobbes, meanwhile, was playing "Ms. Pac-Man." "You know, this game is actually pretty fun...think they have 'Dig-Dug?'"

At that moment, Charlie Brown, Sally, and Linus walked in. "I believe that's Calvin," said Linus.

"My sweet baboo has done it again!" cried Sally.

"I'm not your sweet baboo!"

"Get him!" yelled Charlie Brown.

Calvin swated Woodstock away with a pool stick. The cattle prod flew into Charlie Brown, zapping him. Snoopy grabbed another pool stick, and he and Calvin had a fight on a pool table. Linus and Sally slid into it, knocking it over. Calvin flew over all of them, and landed on the bowling lane, sliding across it. "Ha!" he yelled. "Freedom! FREEDOM!"

Calvin slid right into the pins, getting a strike. He was launched out of the ball return and flew over everyone...again. He landed on the shelf full of bowling balls, knocking them onto the floor. They rolled into the other kids, who were knocked over like pins. Calvin ran to Hobbes, who was still playing "Ms. Pac-Man." "Hobbes, did you see that! I was amazing!"

"Yeah, sure, yeah," Hobbes didn't even look up. "Now I see why you like playing this stuff."

"Let's go!"

Calvin and Hobbes were almost out the door, when Franklin, Peppermint Patty, and Marcy walked in. "Darn it!" Calvin turned around to see the others getting up. "I'm cornered!"

"What do we do?" asked Hobbes.

Thinking fast, Calvin kicked the "Ms. Pac-Man" machine, causing a huge pile of quarters to fall out. The kids all swarmed to pick them up.

Hobbes started to leave. "Good! Let's run!"

"Aww! But I want some!" Calvin was dragged out by Hobbes. They jumped on the back of a bus and drove away.

Peppermint Patty watched the bus turn a corner. "Well, Chuck, you let them get away," she told Charlie Brown.

"But I..."

"Let's make this fun, Chuck! I bet we can catch Calvin before you!"

"Well, we..."

"Let's go, guys!" Peppermint Patty's group left.

"I can't stand it..." sighed Charlie Brown.

Calvin was riding on the back of the bus with Hobbes. They passed a small ice cream restaurant. "Let's make a stop here!" said Hobbes. They jumped off and walked in. A few seconds later, they were eating ice cream when the Eds walked in.

"Hide!" hissed Calvin. "It's the Eds!" They ducked behind a corner.

"Come on, guys!" Eddy was saying. "Let's eat! Double D's buying!"

"I most certainly am not! We're only here to look for Calvin!"

Eddy barely glanced around the restaurant. "Well, he's not here!"

"He is probably in the skin flabs of a sumo wrestler!" guessed Ed.

"Well, wherever he is..." started Edd. Suddenly, the Kankers walked in. The Eds ran around the corner where Calvin was, driving Calvin and Hobbes into the men's bathroom.

"Where do you think that little runt is?" asked Lee.

"Eh," grumbled Marie, "we should have bumped him off back when those Koopas invaded!"

"I hope we see the Eds!" smiled May hopefully.

"Well, we gotta keep looking!" groaned Lee.

"I'm hungry," said May. "Can we get something to eat?"

"Yeah!" agreed Marie.

Lee refused. "No! We're gonna keep looking! Let's go!" They left. The Eds nervously walked out. "Women, huh?" said Eddy

"You said it," said Calvin. He suddenly realized that he'd given himself away.

"It's Calvin!" cried Eddy. "Get him!"

"How do we make our elaborate escape this time?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin didn't hesitate. "This time, let's just run!"

They headed for the door, but Ed jumped in the way. "I'm a lump!"

The Kankers suddenly walked back in. Lee smiled. "I THOUGHT we'd find someone here..."

"Everyone will remember us as the kids who caught Calvin!" cried May.

Calvin got an idea. "Uh...what about the Eds? They're here, too!"

"They're right..." said Marie. "What do we do?"

Lee barely thought about it. "Well...GET THE EDS!" As the Kankers attacked the Eds, Calvin and Hobbes escaped out the door.They soon reached a long road. "Our block is at the end of that road," said Calvin. "I say we make our way home and play some more Calvinball."

A car drove by and a scaley passenger stepped out. It was Calvin's enemy, Bowser Koopa! "Well, well, well...two enemies of mine...all alone..."

Calvin stepped back. "Bowser! How did you know we were on the lam?"

"I didn't."

"Then...why are you in the real world?"

"I'm on vacation! I was just driving along and saw you guys, so I figured I'd..." Bower's eight Koopalings jumped out. "Call my kids!"

"Get your wands ready!" ordered Ludwig.

Jason and Marcus jumped out from behind a shed. "Hold it!" said Jason. "We're the ones who are gonna be taking in Calvin!"

"Fire rockets!" yelled Marcus. They started firing rockets at the Koopas, who whipped out Bullet Bill Blasters.

"No one makes weapons..." started Lemmy.

"...like us Koopas!" finished Iggy.

The Koopas fired Bullet Bills, who Jason and Marcus simply stomped on, as if they were video game characters.

Marcus laughed. "Try working on weapons that don't get destroyed by stepping on them!" Jason and Marcus fired more rockets. Calvin jumped on one with Hobbes. They started flying towards Calvin's house.

"We'll be home in no time!" cried Calvin.

"I think you're going the wrong way," said Hobbes.

Calvin looked annoyed. "We're not going the..." He looked down to see that they were about to hit Bowser.

Bower scrambled away. "AAAHHH! Find a warp pipe!" The Koopas ran for it. Calvin and Hobbes jumped off the rocket, which crashed in a fiery explosion. Jason and Marcus were blown away. "Wow," said Calvin. "We did it, Hobbes! Let's go!"

They started marching down the road as cheerful music played, when a huge mob of all the kids ran out of nowhere and started chasing them.

"I told you they were here!" said Eddy.

Kevin lunged at Calvin. "I'll grab him!"

Rolf knocked Kevin out of the way. "No! It will be Rolf who will capture the rodent!"

"No! I'll do it!" said Peppermint Patty. "Chuck and I have a bet going!"

Johnny held up his best friend. "Plank wants to do it!"

Sarah and Jimmy were next. "Outta the way! We're gonna do it!" The kids all started arguing.

Calvin stared. "Wow, I'm really popular."

"Let's sneak away now," said Hobbes. They did, but Kevin noticed them. "Hey! HEY! He's getting away!"

The kids started chasing Calvin and Hobbes. Meanwhile, Jason and Marcus were still being blown away (that was a powerful explosion!). They hit a telephone wire and were launched back the other way. Calvin was still running when Jason and Marcus landed on Hobbes, stopping at least him.

The kids gathered around the toy. "Hey!" yelled Sarah. "Why are we stopping! HE'S GETTING AWAY!"

Kevin held up Hobbes. "Yeah, but we have his dorky stuffed tiger. He'll be back..."

Calvin soon figured out that his friend had been captured. He lay low and began to search areas where the kids might be. Near the end of the day, he noticed Jimmy walking into the pool building. "They have Hobbes in there!"

Jimmy noticed Calvin and quickly headed up to the boys' locker room. Inside, all the kids, including girls, were there.

"Did he see you?" asked Jason.

"I think so," Jimmy said quietly.

"Good. I thought he'd come here," Jason smiled smugly at Kevin. "Get everything ready."

The kids all waited at the locker room's exit, which was the entrance to the pool. Surely Calvin would come any second. "When he comes out, grab him!" Kevin told the kids.

They all waited, but nothing happened. Suddenly, Calvin burst through a window dressed as...Stupendous Man. "Stupendous Man to the rescue!"

He saw something dangling over the pool. In a cage sat Hobbes. "Hobbes!"

Kevin dashed over to the edge of the pool where the rope suspending Hobbes was. "All I have to do is cut a rope, and your stupid tiger sinks into the deep end!"

"You fiend!" cried the hero. "But I have no choice. I will...NEVER GIVE UP!"

Stupendous Man leapt into the air and grabbed an inner tube. He let the air out and flew through the air to grab Hobbes. "I'm coming, Hobbes!" He flew right by Hobbes.

"You missed, dork!" called Kevin.

Stupendous Man smiled triumphantly. "I didn't miss!"

The lock on stuffed Hobbes's cage fell off. Hobbes fell out and into the pool. Stupendous Man then flew straight in, making a huge splash, launching both him and Hobbes out, far from the other kids.

Landing in the locker room, Calvin quickly changed out of his Stupendous Man costume.

Even Hobbes was impressed. "Wow, what a rescue!"

"Yeah, now to exit in style!" Calvin and Hobbes ran out a bit too quickly. They both fell down the stairs where they were tackled by the waiting kids.

A few minutes later, Calvin and Hobbes were carried back to camp, both shoved in a cage. "Well," sighed Calvin, "we came close...but not close enough."

They were dumped out in front of Kevin. "Now you're gonna get your punishment! Non-stop kickball!"

"That's torture!" gasped Calvin. He saw something in the parking lot. "...hey, is that my car? Ha! It's time for me to go home!"

"Fine!" called Kevin. "But tomorrow, it's all kickball!"

Calvin smiled to Hobbes. "Well, I'll just have to plan an escape for then, won't I?"

* * *

When this story was published, I got three good reveiws, and two saying that it sucked. Go figure. Honestly, this story does strike me as kind of quirky and rushed. On the other hand, it's the only speaking episode of Peppermint Patty so far (and Sally even has a line!). Also, I finally show that although we hear what's in Snoopy's head in this story, it's obvious that no one else (but Hobbes and Woodstock) can.

The Eds' song "I Hope That Somethin' Better Comes Along" has been cut, since the almost exact same thing will reappear in the Muppet Moive parody, and it would be kind of a rip-off to use it twice.


	11. Hobbes of the Wild

Hobbes was sitting down with a can of tuna. Calvin calmly walked by. "Real tigers don't eat canned tuna."

Later, Hobbes was playing Calvinball. "Real tigers don't play Calvinball," Calvin told him. Throughout the day, this sort of thing continued. No matter where Hobbes went or what he did, he just got a lot of "Real tigers don't go swimming...real tigers don't play cards...real tigers don't go to camp..."

Finally, they were both in bed at the end of the day. "Real tigers don't sleep in a bed."

At this point, Hobbes snapped on Calvin. "I'M NOT A REAL TIGER, OKAY?"

(NOTE TO HOBBES FANS: They mean he's not a normal tiger. It has nothing to do with the stuffed animal thing)

Calvin was surprised and soon was asleep. But Hobbes wasn't. He thought about what he had just said. He got out of his bed and looked out the window over the moonlit woods. "I'm not a real tiger," he thought. "I never act like one. The only prey I ever stalk is that kid...I have to start being like a the true feline I am..."

Early that morning, Hobbes jumped out of bed and ran outside. This was the last night he would sleep in that room. He looked at the sun rising on the forest. It looked beautiful, and more like home. "I'll do it! I'll go in the forest and be a real tiger!"

Hobbes ran dramatically into the woods, but slipped and fells down a huge hill. He landed at the feet of a huge bear "That's pathetic," growled the bear. "What kind of tiger are you?"

"I'm...not a real one."

"Well, Tony, we're gonna make you one! I've trained great animals! King Kong the gorilla, Jaws the shark, Orca the Jaws rip-off, even those freaky huge mice who got jobs with Disney...I could even teach you to be like them animal heros, like Spider-Man..."

"Train me! Train me!" cried Hobbes.

"No problem...MUSIC!"

What sounded like a mix of that annoying theme from "Rocky" and "Eye of the Tiger" started up. A training montage of Hobbes started up, but he wasn't doing a very good job.

"You're even more pathetic than I thought!"

"Sorry...I hate training montages..."

The bear thought for a second. "You gotta focus on something that's made you mad. Real mad."

"Calvin..."

With the brat in his mind, Hobbes was now doing a good job, in a new training montage. "Can we stop this music?"

"I like this song."

In Hobbes's head, he saw images of him killing Calvin. He was slowly being driven to hate Calvin without realizing it. Finally, his training was over.

"Never again will you sit indoors!" the bear told him. "Never again will you eat tuna from a can or play cards! You are now a real tiger! Now, go out and stalk your prey!"

"Oh, I know who I'm gonna stalk..."

Meanwhile, Calvin was at camp with Ed, Edd, Eddy, Jason and Marcus. "Guys, Hobbes is gone!"

"Where do you think he is?" asked Jason.

"I don't know..." said Calvin. "I thought I saw his tracks go into the woods by my house."

"It's too far to walk all that way there..." said Marcus.

"Yes we can!" cried Edd. "If we work as a team!"

"We tried that once, genius," reminded Eddy.

"Do you think we'll make it?" Jason wondered, starting up a song.

(Sung to the tune of "When I'm With You")

_**Where my strength should be**_

_**There's a cavity**_

Eddy: **_And in my stash_**

_**I've got no cash**_

Calvin: **_And my tiger's gone_**

_**Don't know what's going on**_

Edd: **_There's a sad feeling in the air_**

Marcus: **_But we can overcome the sadness_**

_**Together, we can pull it through**_

_**Folks say I'm just a geek who is weak**_

_**And that may be true**_

(Eddy: Yeah, it's true)

_**But when my rockets I can't pocket**_

_**I know just what we are all gonna do**_

_**See, I don't miss the strength I'm missing when**_

_**I'm with you**_

Edd: **_I used to think that we could do anything_**

_**When we all acted as a team**_

_**But we seem to be cursed, just ding-a-lings**_

_**We just can't do anything right...**_

Jason: **_But you serve as a voice of reason_**

Calvin: **_You can help us, that is so true_**

Edd: **_Yes!_**

_**I don't miss the luck I'm missing when**_

_**I'm with you**_

Ed: **_I always have an extra foot_**

_**And a floppy disk that doesn't flop**_

_**But my pancakes are filled with dirty soot**_

_**And I have no popcorn to pop**_

Marcus: **_Well, Ed I didn't understand that_**

Calvin: **_And I didn't get it at all, too_**

_**But you won't miss the brain your missing when**_

Ed: **_I'm with you!_**

All: **_Well, our tiger's what we're missing_**

_**So let's all get up and go**_

Edd: **_We'll conquer what's wrong_**

Jason: **_Sing more pointless songs_**

Ed: **_And play tic-tac-toe!_**

Calvin: **_So, we'll all go a-tiger hunting_**

_**And do what we set out to do**_

All: **_Yes, anything is possible when I'm with you_**

Eddy: **_I'm just so sexy_**

(Edd: Eddy, was that really necessary?)

Calvin: **_Nothing is floppable_**

Jason: **_No height's un-hoppable_**

Marcus: **_It's all so logical_**

Eddy: **_We'll be unstoppable_**

Ed: **_It's machine washable_**

All: **_Anything is possible_**

_**When I'm...with...you!**_

_**I'm with you!**_

"Let's go find Hobbes!" cried Calvin. They started to march off, when they saw Hobbes in the distance. "Oh...there he is."

"Well, that song was pointless!" grumbled Eddy.

Hobbes threw a paper airplane at Calvin. It said, "Dear Calvin, I am now going to hunt you and your friends down, one by one. Still think I don't act like a real tiger?"

Calvin put down the letter in surprise. "Holy...hey, where did Hobbes go?"

They all turned to see Hobbes disappearing into the camp building with murder in his eye. That wasn't a good sign.

"I'm snapping my fingers to the Latin beat!" said Ed.

"Okay," Calvin said nervously, "stay calm..." They nervously entered the building after Hobbes. "After all, when he's in the heat and light, he goes slowly."

"**_Yes, anything is possible, when I'm with..." _**they sang. Hobbes, meanwhile, was tinkering with the electrical wires, turning off the power. Everything got dark and cold, interrupting the song.

"Uh-oh..."

Calvin and his friends ran through the dark, cold halls into the main room where the other kids were. They were wondering what happened to the power.

"RUN!" screamed Calvin. "Evacuate! Hobbes is on the loose! He's gonna kill all of us!"

Kevin stared at him. "Hobbes...your tiger?"

"Yes!"

The kids all laughed. "Dorks! He's a stuffed animal! Let's go play outside!"

"Hey! Stop!" Calvin called after them. "He's not stuffed!" But the other kids all left.

"We should go, too," said Jason, nervously.

Marcus looked around. "Yeah! Who knows where Hobbes is?" A clanging noise was heard up in the vents.

"He senses us..." Calvin whispered as the sound faded. They nervously worked their way into the hall and started towards the door. Hobbes was nowhere to be seen, but they couldn't be too careful.

"Stay close..." said Marcus, "we don't want to get..." They all heard a noise. Everyone ran in a different direction. "Separated!"

Jason and Eddy ran out of the building.

"Okay, it's light and warm out here!" Eddy said, trying to stay calm. "We're fine!" It got rainy with blowing wind.

"Crap!" hissed Jason. "This is like that scene in 'Gremlins 2!'"

"Ooh! That was a good movie!"

Meanwhile, Ed was wandering around in a dark, seemingly empty room. Lightning flashed to reveal Hobbes.

"Hello, my name is Ed!"

Calvin was walking in the hall when he heard Ed's scream. "One down..."

Jason and Eddy were running to the pool building. Behind them, the dark figure of Hobbes darted back and forth between cars on the rainy road. When the two boys reached the pool, they had some trouble with the door. "It's locked!"

"It's Friday!" realized Eddy. "The pool is closed on Friday!"

Jason turned around to see Hobbes slowly walking towards them on all fours. He knew he didn't have to run. In desperation, Eddy picked Jason up and slammed him into the door, shattering its glass. They ran inside, but had a similar problem with the door to the locker room. "It's locked, too!"

"If you think that you're about to use me to break that---"

Without letting him finish, Eddy rammed Jason against the door, but nothing happened. He saw Hobbes coming and broke through himself. The two boys ran through the locker room and jumped into the pool.

"Tigers hate water!" said Eddy.

Hobbes swam towards them with the "Jaws" theme playing. He no longer resembled a tiger, but a shark, or perhaps an orca.

"Wow, he's gotten good," admitted Jason.

Jason and Eddy jumped out of the pool. Hobbes crawled along the walls like a spider...or Spider-Man.

"Really good!" added Eddy.

They jumped back in the water, only to have Shark-Hobbes swim towards them. They jumped out to see Spider-Hobbes. This all went on for a while.

Calvin was walking through the halls of the camp building, when he heard their screams from several blocks away. "Three down...they scream loud..."

Marcus walked by a phone. It rang, and he picked it up. He heard a faint tiger voice: "Seven seconds..."

"Oh, COME ON!" Marcus shouted into the phone. Hobbes instantly was behind him. "Time's up."

Calvin crept through the halls. As you may have guessed, he heard Marcus scream. "Four down..."

Calvin heard a noise behind him. Was it Hobbes? Without turning around, he ran screaming outside to find a huge swarm of birds on the telephone wires and everywhere else. "Maybe I'm better off inside."

Calvin ran into the building's locker room. He heard a shower running and peeked in to see Edd.

"Calvin, please!" he whined. "I'm busy!"

"What are you doing!"

"Well, running made me very sweaty, and I detest sweat, so I just decided to..."

"Haven't you been paying attention to what's been going on! Look at 'The Birds' reference!"

"I'm sorry, but cleanliness comes first."

"I can't believe this!" Calvin ran out of the locker room. While his back was turned, Hobbes slipped in. Edd was heard screaming.

"Five down!" said Calvin. Now, who was left? "Let's see, that leaves...me." Hobbes's footsteps grew closer as he emerged from the locker room, looking for his true prey.

Calvin ran outside, batting off a few birds. "Forget the birds! I'm getting out of here!" The wind started blowing harder. Calvin struggled to walk against it. He found the other kids playing baseball. Charlie Brown tried to pitch the ball, but the wind blew it into him, knocking all of his clothes off.

"You know, that never gets old," admitted Snoopy.

Calvin struggled to explain to the kids what was happening. "Everyone...run... Hobbes...wild...crazy...kills..."

"I still don't know what he's dorking about," said Kevin.

The wind blew Calvin back into the building, down a hall. "Darn you, Kevin, you dork!" Calvin ran all the way down the hall, to find the doors on the end were locked. Hobbes started down the hall after him.

"No movie references here..." smiled Hobbes, "just a natural tiger hunt..."

"Hobbes, I'm sorry! Look, about what I said...you're still a real tiger, even if you don't act like one! You're a great tiger!"

Hobbes stopped. "Really?...that's good...that's great, even! I don't really like stalking you, anyway. It's hard to seem threatening all the time. I don't know how some people do it."

All of Hobbes's other victims limped out painfully. Calvin stopped being scared. "Well, you know, real tigers don't act like sharks, or spiders, or reference horror films, or make phone calls, or..."

Hobbes snapped into normal tiger mode and mauled Calvin.

"Six down," said Edd quietly. "I'm impressed."

* * *

This story was actually a friend's idea. It's an interesting one, as it comes pretty darn close to the "is Hobbes really fake?" issue. Calvin isn't saying Hobbes is stuffed, he means he isn't ACTING like a real tiger. Don't worry. The Bear also makes his first appearance. "I'm With You" was a lot of fun to write, but it's obviously just to stretch out the episode. 


	12. The Camp Talent Show

Before this story even starts, I want to say that this talent show has NOTHING to do at all with the Muppet Movie episode. These are obviously different shows, as this one has different acts and is hosted by Charlie Brown.

* * *

It was the day of the talent show in the camp's auditorium. Lots of kids were in the audience. Occasionally, someone got up to prepare their act backstage. Charlie Brown was hosting on stage. "Hello, and welcome to the camp talent show! I'm your host, Charlie Brown. You know, hosting something isn't that easy. Am I doing a good job? I'm only trying to---"

"GET ON WITH IT, BLOCKHEAD!" Lucy called from the audience.

Charlie Brown got nervous. "Um...um...here are Jason and Marcus with their 'Amazing Iguana Cam!'"

Jason and Marcus ran on stage with a TV, wires, and many speakers.

"We now present a Fox and Jones feature," announced Jason. "'An Iguana With a Dream...In Sensurround.'"

"The dream is not getting kicked, punched, or thrown across the room!" added Marcus.

The movie started. The film was shown looking through Quincy's eyes as he scurried across the floor of Jason's house. He stopped at Jason's sister, Paige, who looked down and screamed. The sound was carried through the auditorium, thanks to speakers placed all around it. The kids were blasted out of their seats. On screen, Paige stomped on Quincy, and the screen got blurry. The end.

"Poor guy," sighed Marcus. "His dream never came true..."

Charlie Brown stumbled over, still stunned from the noise. "Couldn't you have chosen a different movie?"

Jason thought. "There was that time we brought him to camp and let him scurry around the dodgeball field until Sarah hit him..."

(See "Dodgeball")

"And here's the star of our film...Quincy!" announced Marcus.

Jason held up his cage, but it was empty. Quincy had escaped. A scream was heard from the audience, and Susie (who had found him, much to her displeasure) threw Quincy at Jason's face.

Jason hugged his iguana. "Quincy, the audience loves you!" Jason and Marcus walked offstage and back to their seats in the audience.

Charlie Brown announced the next performance. "And now it's time for the comedy of...Plank?"

Johnny carried Plank out.

"Is Plank the straight man?" Calvin called from the audience. "GET IT!"

"Knock 'em dead, buddy!" Johnny whispered to Plank. Their performance went like this:

Plank: ...

(Johnny bursts out laughing)

Johnny: He got that one from a dirty movie!

Plank: ...

Johnny: Woo! Plank, you're on top!

Plank: ...

Johnny: I don't know, what do you get when you cross them?

Plank: ...

Johnny: Yeah! That's hilarious!

Charlie Brown had enough of this. "Okay, Johnny, I think the act's over."

Johnny picked up Plank. "What's that, Plank? You want me to hurt Charlie Brown for interrupting your act? Okay, buddy!" Johnny started chasing Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown pulled a rope, and the curtain fell.

Johnny was kicked off the stage. "We'll get him next time, huh, Plank?"

Charlie Brown attempted to find his words. "Well...that was...anyway, here's Pigpen preforming...'Dances With Dirt.'"

Pigpen walked on stage with a dusty cloud following him and started dancing.

Calvin, meanwhile, was still cracking up over his joke. "Straight man! Straight man! Get it? It was a pun!"

"Shut up," said Hobbes.

Charlie Brown walked back on stage, coughing. "And now here's Nazz playing the tuba."

"Go, Nazz!" cheered Kevin.

Nazz came out with a huge tuba. Without a word, she blew in, letting one huge, deep, loud note travel through the room. Once again, the kids were blasted out of their seats.

The Eds stood backstage. "That was music to my earwax!" said Ed.

Edd held his ears in pain. "That was worse than Jason and Marcus!"

Eddy had mixed feelings. "How are we gonna follow THAT up!"

Nazz walked by. "Good luck, Eddy."

Eddy stuttered, completely numbed with shyness. "Uh-uh-uh-uh...LET'S GO!"

"And now here's---" Charlie Brown started, before being knocked over by Eddy.

"And now here's a musical number directed, produced, conceived, and choreographed by me, Eddy!" Eddy announced himself. "'Double D and His Amazing Dancing Lump!'"

Eddy started playing a CD of catchy piano music. Ed happily danced on stage, followed by Double D, who obviously had stage fright. He managed to come over it and sing well anyway: **_I may go out tomorrow_**

**_If I can borrow a water pump _**(Who wrote this?)

_**Oh, I'll go out in style with my happy smile**_

_**And my dancing lump**_

_**Outrageous, alarm---**_

"That's my horse!" Ed suddenly broke from the act smacked Edd a few times, and continued dancing as the happy music kept playing. Eddy ran on stage and started beating up Ed. The audience laughed.

Rolf got up and began to dance as well. "I love this music! It is so shiny!"

"I don't get it," said Calvin. "Is Ed symbolism for the working man? Is this 'art?' What am I looking at?"

Edd got back up and attempted to continue singing: **_Seen at the nicest places, where well-known faces..._**

Edd was knocked over by the fighting Ed and Eddy. The kids booed as the trio rolled offstage.

Charlie Brown nervously walked out again. "Well...here's Schroder playing a medley of Beethoven's greatest hits."

Schroder carried his piano onto the stage. "'Greatest hits?' Good grief." Schroder started to play as Charlie Brown walked backstage.

"This is a disaster," sighed the round-headed kid. "I need help..."

A few minutes later, Charlie Brown was outside with Lucy at her psychiatrist booth.

"The show is awful!" he said. "I don't know what's gone wrong! Do you have any advice?"

"Go back on stage and announce the next act. Ten bucks, please."

Charlie Brown looked up. "But this usually costs me ten cents!"

"It's called inflation. Ten bucks, please."

Charlie Brown grudgingly handed her the money and ran on stage. "And now, here's Kevin with..." He checked the card in confusion. "'How to Beat Up a Dork?'"

Kevin walked on with a punching bag that looked like Eddy. "Now, a dork is someone who makes you mad. If you've got power like me, anyone you say is a dork, automatically is a dork, no matter what! Now, you've gotta hit them first in the face, which makes it easier to---"

Moe jumped up from the audience. "No! You gotta hit them in the gut first!"

"What do you know, dork?" Kevin shot back.

"Dork? YOU'RE the dork!"

"You wanna say that up here?"

The two of them were suddenly fighting on the stage, in front of a cheering audience of kids. Charlie Brown managed to push them off.

Moe was taken aback. "Hey...he pushed us."

"Get the dork!" yelled Kevin. They ran for Charlie Brown, but were whipped away by Linus's blanket.

Charlie Brown regained his composure. "Well...we'll all remember that one for a while. And now, here's Linus with a surprise speech."

Linus stood at a podium. "We all know about how happy we are on the holidays...but Santa Claus is not the only one who gives out presents. There is also the Halloween character...The Great Pumpkin!"

Linus was laughed offstage. "Disbelievers! He won't give YOU any presents! You just wait! Someday, he'll come to my pumpkin patch! Then you'll see! You'll ALL see!"

"Isn't he your brother?" Susie whispered to Lucy in the audience.

"No!"

"Doesn't he also pat birds on the head?"

"NO!"

"Here's something even more obscure..." said Charlie Brown. "Rolf with 'The Mating Song of the Hairless Otter.'"

Rolf walked on stage and began to howl something. Calvin and Hobbes were backstage. "Okay, Hobbes, you know what to do, right?"

"Do I have to do this?" complained Hobbes.

"Yes! We're going on that stage a kid and a cat, but we're coming back as stars!...well, you'll be a star, I'LL be a planet!"

Rolf walked by. "Rolf is good, yes?"

Charlie Brown announced the next act. "And now here's Calvin and Hobbes with tiger tricks."

Calvin walked on with Hobbes, who looked stuffed to the audience. "Okay, Hobbes," he smiled. "Jump through the hoop!"

The stuffed Hobbes did nothing. Calvin began to argue with it, which looked very weird to the audience. "No, I'm not gonna jump, you are! ... What! I am not more suited to be the animal in this act! ... Yes, I checked! You can fit! JUMP!"

Calvin ended up fighting with the stuffed animal, and rolling offstage. The audience was not sure what to think, and after a silence, they started booing. Calvin ran back onto the stage. "Yokels! You'll never appreciate fine art!"

Charlie Brown walked back. "Now, for our final act and grand finale...I hope this isn't going to kill me..."

Snoopy came on and started a CD playing the "1812 Overture." He started firing off cannons to the beat.

Charlie Brown ducked. "Snoopy! Where did you get those cannons!" Snoopy ignored Charlie Brown and kept firing. Jason and Marcus rushed on and started firing off rockets.

"Stop it!" yelled Charlie Brown. "There are HOLES in the ceiling! AAAUUUGHHH!"

Schroder was now on as well, playing along on the piano. In the audience, kids ducked for cover.

"What do we do! What do we do!" Hobbes cried from under his seat. "And where's Calvin!"

Calvin was running around on stage, throwing water balloons into the audience at various girls. "Yes! Yes! It's a GROSS victory! Medals for everyone! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Soon he was being chased around the stage by everyone who got hit.

"It's a disaster!" Edd cried from under his seat. "It's the apocalypse! Do something, Eddy! Eddy?"

Edd looked up to see that Eddy was no longer next to him, but had been replaced by Marie Kanker. "Come here often?" she smiled.

"KANKER!" Edd ran away, being chased. Eddy passed, being chased by Lee. Ed, meanwhile, waas on stage, singing "Double D and His Amazing Dancing Lump," despite the fact that the wrong background music was playing.

Charlie Nrown tiptoed away. "I'm going to go to sleep backstage, and when I come out, this will all be over..."

"Thank you and good night!" thought Snoopy.

* * *

This is probably the craziest endings ever written toa minorepisode (I'm happy I didn't go in the direction of "Kareoke Party" fics which are boring and uncreative). An act that was cut was that Snoopy was going to sing "Suppertime," but was kicked offstage after the audience couldn't hear him (the whole song is in his head). This is the first time Charlie Brown has starred, and probably the first speaking role of Schroder. 


	13. Ego Attack II: The Hero Wars

This is a sequel to an earlier story. I'm not sure why I wrote this, seeing as the first one wasn't that popular to begin with. Oh well, it was fun for me.

* * *

It was a peaceful morning at camp. Jimmy was skipping along, singing something about bunnies when Moe and the Kankers suddenly jump out at him. Jimmy gave a squeak of terror. "Oh no! The boy who always beats me up with the girls who always beat me up! I don't enjoy being beaten up!" 

"And that's why we do it!" said Marie. Jimmy screamed as the bullies closed in, ready to beat him into submission. Suddenly, a hero wearing a watermelon for a mask swung out, accompanied by a little board of wood.

"Captain Melon Head to the rescue!" Melon Head swung into the Kankers, who knocked Moe over. Moe rolled away like a huge bowling ball, and the Kankers followed. Captain Melon Head had always disturbed them.

"You're safe now, Jimmy!" smiled the Captain. With a screech of victory, Melon Head burst into the hall and disappeared around a corridor.

"Wow!" marveled Jimmy. "What a hero!"

The others came to see what happened. "What was that?" asked Sarah.

"Captain Melon Head saved me!" cried Jimmy.

"Wow," marveled Jason, "he stopped Moe and the Kankers!"

"He's the best hero!" said Marcus.

"He's the best hero EVER!" agreed Linus.

Calvin was listening a few feet away. "The best hero ever? What about Stupendous Man and Spaceman Spiff or even Tracer Bullet?"

"They only got in the way," said Hobbes.

"Don't forget!" Calvin reminded him. "Stupendous Man saved you once!"

(See "Calvin On the Run")

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "Sure, right before the kids captured us! Whenever you go into ego mode, you go around thinking you're helping people, even though you're just messing things up! And sometimes, you annoy people on purpose! Then there was the time you let all the egos out at once..."

Calvin jumped up. "Yeah! I should do that again!"

"No!" cried Hobbes. "I'm trying to say---"

Calvin ignored him and began to pace. "Time to hatch another plan! When the kids see MY heros all doing heroic things at once, they'll forget all about Captain Melon Head!"

Eddy rushed over. "Melon Head! Where!"

"He just saved Jimmy," said Calvin.

"I hate that Melon Head!" hissed Eddy. "He ruins all my scams...in fact, since he's back, I can destroy him! To the Scam Cave!" Eddy ran away.

Calvin stared. "What's a Scam Cave?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eddy soon sat in his broken-down men's bathroom (complete with overflowing urinal) with Ed and Edd.

"Don't tell me we're using this place again..." complained Edd.

Eddy hung up a sign that said "Welcome to the Scam Cave!" He turned to his two companions. "We are here to discuss the downfall of Captain Melon Head! Whenever I successfully rip someone off, he always comes in and gets their money back!"

Ed raised his hand. "And his head is so big and Melon-like!"

"I hate that head," Eddy said darkly.

Edd stood up. "Captain Melon Head is an inspiration to us all! What a wonderful person, to go out and help innocent people! After all, he only targets YOUR low-quality scams! If only I knew who he was..."

Eddy got an idea. "That's it! I'll figure out his identity! He's gonna get it, then! Professor Scam will rise again!"

"Can I wear a melon?" asked Ed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That morning, Captain Melon Head was patrolling the halls with his trusty board of wood, Splinter. Calvin watched him from the distance. "There he is, Hobbes! Time to send in my men!"

"Do me a favor," said Hobbes. "Before you attack the poor guy with every of your little egos at once, why not do them one at a time to avoid major troube?"

"That's a good idea," said Calvin. He put on a detective hat, becoming Tracer Bullet. "Time to squash a melon."

"Hello, citizen!" smiled Melon Head when Bullet approached him. "I'm investigating the case of the missing blanket."

Bullet stared him in the face. "I'm here to rub you out."

Melon Head tried to ignore him. "Oh, go away! Don't make Splinter mad!"

"You want mad? I'm as mad as a pitbull seeing the mailman with an 'I Love Cats More Than Dogs' poster. I'm as mad as a bull seeing a red man in a red shirt with red peppers and red---"

Melon Head cut him off. "I get it! Now, go get your own case to solve!"

Bullet ran off, and returned a few minutes later. "I got a case! There was this kid who disappeared and I'm gonna find him!"

Jimmy suddenly hopped out, tied up. "There he is, Sarah! That's the boy who tied me up and pretended that I was missing!"

"CALVIN, YOU IDIOT!" yelled Sarah.

"I'm not Calvin, I'm Tracer Bullet!"

"BULLET, YOU IDIOT!"

Tracer Bullet took off his hat. "Wrong...now I'm Calvin!"

Sarah lost it and punched Calvin. He flew all the way down the hall and landed by Hobbes in the building's lounge. "I thought you'd drop by," smiled the tiger.

"Real witty. If I had sent all my egos out at once instead of being them one at a time, this wouldn't have happened to me!"

Hobbes sighed. "I'm telling you, that's a bad idea."

"Fine," glared Calvin. "Spaceman Spiff and Stupendous Man are gonna duke it out with Melon Head one at a time today. If both of them lose, all three come out."

"Uh-oh..." said Hobbes, knowing well that Calvin in the form of the other egos was sure to lose.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later, Melon Head was watching everyone eating lunch from a back table. Suddenly, from a water cooler, emerged a hiding Stupendous Man! "Halt, Melon Head! There is only room for one hero in this camp! And he is me! I challenge you to a duel!"

"But I don't want a duel!" cried Captain Melon Head. "I just like helping!"

"Oh yeah? Watch as I put you to shame!" Stupendous Man jumped over to Nazz, who was talking to a nervous Edd.

"So," she was saying, "like, you ever wanna do something?"

"I-I-I...I think we should...should...should..."

"Halt, girly girl!" shouted Stupendous Man, jumping between the two of them. "I am here to protect the socked one!"

"Socked one?" repeated Edd in annoyance. "Is that supposed to be me? I keep telling everyone, this is merely a hat, and not a..."

"Quiet, you fool!" hissed Stupendous Man. "Can't you see she is draining you of all your liquid? No wonder you're turning red!" Hearing this, Edd blushed even harder.

Nazz stood up. "Look, dude, you better just..."

"Away with you!" Stupendous Man threw a drink in Nazz's face and stared at her for a second. "Funny...you're turning red, too."

Costume ripped off, Calvin was thrown across the room, splattering against the wall.

"Nice!" cheered Calvin.

Johnny (who oddly hadn't been in the room prior to the event) walked over. "You got beaten by a girl again, Calvin."

"I'm not mild-mannered Calvin, you fool!" yelled Calvin, putting his mask back on. "Now I'm off into the night!"

"But it's daytime!" called Johnny.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later, Melon Head was back, patrolling the pool. Splinter was safely out of the water. Suddenly, Calvin burst out of the shall end and splashed the hero. "Take that, you alien!" In Calvin's mind, he was Spaceman Spiff fighting an alien version of Melon Head.

"You again?" cried Melon Head. "You're not even wearing a costume this time!"

"Zounds! You dare defy me?" Calvin splashed him again.

"Stop it!"

Calvin smiled. "Oh, I'll stop splashing you...AND START SPLASHING SPLINTER!" Calvin swam over to the wooden hero, preparing to splash.

"Stop!" called Melon Head. "Just tell me your demands!"

Calvin dramatically pointed at Melon Head. "I demand that you allow me to be a hero!"

"You're not a hero! You're a big bully!"

Calvin narrowed his eyes. "That does it!" Calvin was about to splash Splinter when Melon Head grabbed a floatation noodle and slammed Calvin with it.

"Aaah! You got me...is this the end of Spiff?" Calvin slowly sank into the water.

"That was close!" said Melon Head, picking up Splinter.

Eddy watched from the bleachers with Jason and Marcus. "Did you see that! Calvin almost got Melon Head! Awesome!"

"No one's a match for Super Quincy!" grinned Jason. He dropped Quincy on Lucy's head.

"AAAAHHH! Get him off, you blockhead!" Lucy ran screaming all the way into the pool.

"That's what I call a hero!" cheered Marcus.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That night, Melon Head made his way back to his home in the Cul-De-Sac after patrolling the streets. "What a night, Splinter," he sighed as he slipped into bed. "Wait, we can take off our costumes now!" Johnny took off his mask, along with Plank's.

Suddenly, Professor Scam, who was spying on him, burst through the window. "AHA! I know who you are, Melon Head! Johnny 2X4!"

"Professor Scam! I thought I had seen the last of you!"

"Wrong! You'll be seeing a lot more of me, in fact! And if you don't stop saving everyone, I'm blowing the lid on your secret! Goodnight, ex-hero!" Professor Scam jumped out the window and hit the ground with a splat. "Oops. Forgot that this is a two-story house..."

"What do we do, Plank?" cried Johnny.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Calvin sat in his bedrooms, surrounded by his three egos, who he had sent out too early. "Man, can't you guys stay still?" He was suddenly zapped by Spaceman Spiff. "And put away the weapons!"

"You should have waited until tomorrow when we actually got to camp to send them all out!" said Hobbes.

"I figured we could get pumped first," shrugged Calvin.

Stupendous Man broke something.

"They're a lot more than pumped," said Hobbes.

"Right," groaned Calvin. "Tomorrow, we get Melon Head for good!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning Calvin walked into camp with a huge bulging backpack. His egos were all stuffed inside. "Okay, now don't come out unless you see Melon Head!" ordered Calvin.

"Yes, commander!" said Spiff, muffled from the inside.

"This is too stupid," said Hobbes.

Calvin threw his backpack down. "It had better work!"

In the main room, Eddy had set up another scam. A large fake wishing well sat in the middle of the room. "Step right up to Eddy's Wishing Well! Just toss some cash in, and get a wish!"

The kids all threw money in. "Remember, the more the cash, the better it works!" reminded Eddy.

Inside the well sat Ed, who caught all the money in his mouth. Ed suddenly sat up. "In Ed we trust!"

"Hey!" said Franklin (from _Peanuts_). "This isn't a real well!"

Eddy shrugged innocently. "Well, my wish came true!" Ed and Eddy ran away.

"Oh, won't someone save us?" cried Jimmy.

Calvin and his egos (who were peeking out of the backpack) all grinned, waiting to ambush Captain Melon Head. However, Johnny sighed and did nothing.

"I wonder where Captain Melon Head is," said Linus.

Calvin looked around. "Yeah, where is he?"

Johnny turned to his wooden friend. "Oh, Plank, this is all my fault..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In his bathroom hideout, Eddy was smacking Ed. "I didn't tell you to swallow the cash, you moron!"

"I am sorry, Eddy, but they are so good!"

Edd rolled his eyes. "We've all learned a good lesson here. Never let Ed eat your valuables. I wonder whatever happened to Captain Melon Head."

"Oh, he ain't coming back for a while!" laughed Eddy.

"How do you know?" Edd asked suspiciously.

"Less talk, more smack!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back at the main room, Calvin was searching through the huge pile of all the kids' backpacks for his own. "I better find the guys and tell them that Melon Head isn't here. Is this one mine?" Calvin opened one.

"I think that's Johnny's," said Hobbes. "Hey, is that the Captain Melon Head costume in there."

"Yeah!" gasped Calvin. "And in Plank's little backpack, there's Splinter's costume!"

"It all makes sense now!" smiled Hobbes. "Johnny and Plank are really..."

"It's true," said Johnny. Calvin and Hobbes looked up to see him sitting nearby. "Someone else knows now," continued the boy. "It doesn't matter..."

"Why didn't you come out when Eddy scammed everyone?" asked Calvin.

"I couldn't. Not with Professor Scam around."

"Who's he?" asked Hobbes.

"He was my old enemy," said Johnny. "I hadn't seen him since he first came to the Cul-De-Sac. We fought and he vanished. But last night he returned and found out my secret identity! I'm ruined."

Hobbes looked around suspiciously. "So he's been hiding around the camp this whole time? Kind of gives me an insecure feeling..."

Calvin looked guilty. "Look, I'm sorry for trying to upstage you, Johnny. But I have a plan..."

"No you don't," said Hobbes.

"Fine. But I can make one!"

"No you can't."

"Actually," said Johnny, "Plank says he has a plan!"

"Thank you!" cried Calvin. "Man, that piece of wood is a lifesaver!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later, everyone was at the pool. Edd and Eddy sat at the deep end, still trying to get the money out of Ed. "If we fill him up with water, one of us can swim inside and extract the money!" suggested Edd.

"Gurgle, gurgle," agreed Ed.

"Okay," Eddy told Edd, "I fill and you swim."

"No, I fill and YOU swim."

"Come on! I'm too big!"

"Yes, but this was my idea!"

By this time, Ed was already full of water. Captain Melon Head suddenly swung down on a rope and dove into Ed.

"WHAT!" exclaimed Eddy. "He's back!"

"Wonderful!" cried Edd, happy to not have to go inside his friend.

Melon Head victoriously threw the money back to the kids.

"All is right in the world," smiled Linus.

Eddy grabbed Melon Head. "Ha! You haven't really won...JOHNNY! That's who you really are!"

Johnny calmly walked by with Plank. "Hi, Eddy."

Eddy dropped the Melon Head he was holding. "WHA---!" He turned to see the hero running away. "No...NO!" Eddy broke down. "It's not Johnny! But who is it? Who is it! I'll find his true identity, I'll show you all! HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Eddy broke through the pool's large glass windows and ran away laughing.

"I always knew he was really Johnny," said Kevin.

"Yeah," chorused the kids.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Calvin walked through the locker room, still dressed as Melon Head. Hobbes congratulated him. "You did a good job."

"Glad to help. I still wish everyone would remember my heros, though."

Suddenly, a bathroom stall opened, revealing Calvin's egos hiding inside! Stupendous Man pointed at Calvin in disguise. "It's Melon Head! Get him!"

"Great," sighed Calvin as the egos attacked him. "Get off, you morons! It's me! It's ME!"

Running to his friend's aid, Hobbes helped Calvin bat the egos off, and the two ran for it.

"The tiger is aiding the enemy!" shouted Spaceman Spiff. "Get him, too!"

Calvin and Hobbes made it into the hall, only to bump right into Bowser and his kids who were standing around the corner. "Well, well, well," smiled Bowser, "my old enemy at complete mercy."

"Always hit a guy when he's down, right?" said Roy.

"Right!"

Suddenly, the real Melon Head jumped out of nowhere and stomped on the Koopa king's head. "Ouch!" yelled Bowser.

"Always have the element of surprise on your side as well!" grinned Melon Head.

Tracer Bullet was confused. "Two Melon Heads? Looks like another case to solve..."

Calvin groaned and pulled off his mask. "I told you it was me! Now shut up and fight!"

Spiff pulled out a lazer gun and zapped Iggy and Lemmy, only to be surrounded by the other Koopas with wands. Tracer Bullet shot the wands out of their hands, and the Koopas found themselves kicked around by the heros.

"Retreat!" Bowser finally shouted. The Koopas ran off, planning to warp back to the Mushroom Kingdom where they belonged.

"Thanks, Melon Head," said Calvin. "It was certainly better to fight side by side, rather than against you."

"Duh," said Hobbes.

"No problem, citizen," smiled Melon Head. "But I think it's time your friends went back in your head where they belong."

"Right," agreed Calvin. "See you later, guys!" Concentrating hard, Calvin had his egos vanish back into his imagination. Calvin pulled out Stupendous Man's mask and put it on. "Besides, it's better to act as one hero at a time! Come, Melon Head! We can defend the innocent from evil TOGETHER!"

"Sorry, but you sort of mess stuff up more than you help."

"WHAT! You're going down!" Calvin and Johnny threw off their costumes and fought.

Hobbes snuck away. "I think they need a hero to save them from each other..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back in the Mushroom Kingdom, Bowser paced around in his castle. "I'll get that Captain Melon Head and find out who he really is if it's the last thing I do!"

* * *

Despite the ending with Bowser, I don't think there will be a third "Ego Attack" story unless I figure out how to top this one. This, by the way, is not Melon Head's first appearence. He had a cameo in "The Calvin King."

The scene with Bullet kidnaping Jimmy so he could have a case to solve was actually going tobe a story of its' own, but I decided there was not enough material to support it so I put it in here.


	14. Sim Camp

A note on this story:The Sims is featured, NOT the Sims 2. It's based mostly around the Livin' Large and Hot Date expansion packs.

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes happily ran through camp. As they passed the main room's closet, a villain peered out at them. Gannondorf. With him was Bowser. "Come on!" complained Bowser. "They're standing right outside! Can't we just break his legs?" 

"No, you fool!" hissed Gannondorf. "I'm going to prove my point that a long grueling death is the best kind to give someone?"

"Well, I like us together!" smiled Bowser. "Working side by side! Partners!"

Gannondorf quickly pulled away from the Koopa. "I'm only here to prove my point. You're the one with the huge grudge against these children."

"I tell ya, they're not normal!" cried Bowser. "They can beat me up!"

"A fat plumber can beat you up. Now onto my plan. We will destroy them through video games."

"Battling them in the Mushroom Kingdom never worked..." advised Bowser.

"Ah, but the genius of this is that we won't be fighting them...we'll be controlling them!"

"What game are we talking about?"

"The Sims." Gannondorf turned on a computer. "All we have to do is zap them into the game and eliminate the pair."

"But why are we at camp?" asked Bowser.

"Killing him here adds to the cruelty," grinned Gannondorf.

"Oh," said Bowser. 'Well, I do like cruelty."

"Have some." Gannondorf calmly punched Bowser.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin and Hobbes, meanwhile, stood outside in the hall, talking to Jason and Marcus, talking about their encounters with beings from other planets.

"You've really seen aliens!" Jason was saying.

"Yep," replied Calvin proudly, "we traded the world to them for fifty leaves."

"They still haven't figured out they were tricked," added Hobbes.

Marcus looked around nervously. "They'll be pretty mad if they do..."

Calvin and Hobbes suddenly disappeared in a colorful light.

"They've been abducted!" cried Jason.

"It's the revenge of the aliens!" yelled Marcus. Both of them screamed and ran away.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin and Hobbes looked around. They found themselves standing on a vortex covered in grass hovering over an endless mass of gray. "Where are we?" wondered Calvin.

"Have I been sucked into one of your twisted fantasies?" asked Hobbes.

"Fantasies? What are you talking about? And why can't I move?" It was true. Both of them seemed to be glued to the ground with their hands stuck at their sides, despite their effort to move.

"Hello, boys!" called a voice. Calvin and Hobbes looked up. Peering down from what appeared to be a window was Gannondorf. He was actually watching them from a computer screen. They immediately started yelling him.

"Don't bother shouting," said Gannondorf. "Anyone looking at this screen can only hear you speaking in Simmish."

Bowser eagerly ran over tp Gannondorf's side. "Hey, I'm here too! Let's make them fight!"

"Spledind." Calvin and Hobbes struggled to move, but couldn't as the cursor came down and selected "fight." Suddenly, they lunged at each other, getting into a huge fight. Finally, it was over as Gannondorf and Bowser laughed with victory.

"I love it when they do that!" cheered Bowser, who quickly calmed down. "Okay, now let's just kill them."

"Right. Hobbes will take a swim..." Gannondorf built a pool right under Hobbes. With the floor gone, Hobbes fell in with a splash and began to swim.

"...and Calvin will go on a long diet." Gannondorf built a fence around Calvin, trapping him (although he couldn't move freely in the first place). "With no ladder for Hobbes to climb out of and no food in Calvin's little pen," said Gannondorf, "they will be dead in about two Sim days...merely minutes in real life."

"Can't we speed it up so they just drop dead?" complained Bowser.

"You don't understand. If we were to do that, then we would not get the satisfaction of watching a tired Hobbes circle endlessly in the pool with no ladder...and Calvin wetting himself with the lack of toilet."

"Awesome!" cheered Bowser. "This rules! You know, we should be filming this."

"Hurry! We'll go steal a camera!" The two warped down into the Mushroom Kingdom, using their magic books. Just as they left, the Eds walked in.

"I heard people in here," said Edd. "Oh, it was just the computer! Wait, since when did we have a computer!"

"I can check my stocks!" cried Eddy. "At least, I could if I had stocks."

"Look!" pointed Ed. "Calvin and Hobbes Sims!"

"How cute!" said Edd, sitting down. "They must have made versions of themselves. h my! Whoever was playing this last appears to have been attempting to murder them! Poor Hobbes is about to sink and Calvin needs food badly, not to mention a change of clothes."

The Eds soon had Calvin and Hobbes safe, dry, fed, and rested. Edd decided to build them a small cottage, and Eddy was sure to get them cool items like a rocket launcher. Ed did the wallpaper and carpets, making the house look weirder than ever. Still, it had a cozy feeling and it was a very nice place to be temporarily stranded in.

"I think we should put them in free will mode," suggested Edd. "They can move around more that way."

Once free will mode was activated, Calvin managed to walk somewhere without being told. He did a victory dance. "We can move!"

"How can we explain to them that we're trapped here if they hear everything we say as Simmish?" sighed Hobbes.

Calvin sat down in his chair. "We'd better start thinking..."

As the trapped duo thought, Eddy was thinking, too. "Hey, this is a lot of fun. I've got an idea for a scam! Sim Ed!" Eddy grabbed Ed and Edd and ran out of the room. "For a quarter, the kids can control you for a day!"

"What!" cried Edd. "Mercy!"

"Will we see Drew Carrey?" asked Ed as they left.

Back in the game, Calvin walked out of the house to think. He looked up at the computer screen, expecting to see the Eds looking down at him. Instead, it was the smirking face of Gannondorf! "We're back!" called the villain. "It's a shame the Eds left when they did...they could have joined you! Ah, but we'll eliminate them later."

"Tear down their house!" suggested Bowser.

"No, we'll use it to torment later victims," said Gannondorf, "like trapping them in an empty room with a toilet in plain view."

"You're so evil!"

"Yes, praise me," Gannondorf said clamly. "Now to deal with Calvin!"

Calvin heard that and run for it. However, he soon reached a dead end. Running again, he could not escape Gannondorf, who built four small walls around him, creating a doorless, windowless room.

"Oh no!" cried Calvin. "He's gonna starve me again!"

Gannondorf then built a fireplace and a big carpet.

"A fireplace with a carpet?" said Calvin. "But that's a fire hazard!"

"You must be cold, Calvin," called Gannondorf. "How about we make things much warmer?" Gannondorf selected "Light Fire."

Hobbes heard this and banged on the room's walls. "Calvin! Don't do it! You'll die!"

"I can't control myself!" As if possessed, Calvin walked over to the fireplace and lit it.

"But we're on free will mode!" called Hobbes. "...aren't we?"

Instantly, the fire caught onto the carpet and spread fast. "Goodbye, Hobbes!" Calvin backed up against the wall. "Be sure to bother Susie for me!"

"No way!" refused Hobbes. "If we're on free will mode, we can build stuff! I'll save you!" Hobbes reached down and pulls out a menu of available doors from out of the ground. He bought a door and shoved it into the wall. Calvin fell out just as the flames were about to reach him.

Watching this, Bowser's jaw dropped to the floor. "How did he do that!"

Frustrated, Gannondorf sat back in his chair. "I don't know. Don't worry, I have another idea."

The school bus pulled up. Calvin and Hobbes ran on. "We'll be safe at school!" said Hobbes.

"Man, I never thought I'd be thankful to get on one of these," thought Calvin as the bus drove away.

"Have fun at school, boys!" called Bowser. "Wait till you get back! 'Cause we've got a plan!" He turned to Gannondorf. "We do have a plan, right?"

"Of course we have a plan, fool. Let's get to work. We've got some building to do."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later, Calvin and Hobbes were riding back in the bus. "Weird, we didn't really go anywhere," said Calvin. "It's like we were just in a deep sleep...and I feel smarter! I wish real school was like this!"

"It was peaceful," agreed Hobbes, "but when we get off, we'll have the villains to deal with."

They got off the bus to find a big surprise! A huge mansion stood where their cottage once was. Calvin happily ran for the door. "Wow! They built us a house!"

"Don't go inside!" advised Hobbes, but Calvin was already in. Hobbes sighed and followed him. Inside, it was a paradise. Big-screen TVs, huge beds, toys...everything. "I don't get it," said Hobbes. "Why would they do all of this for us?"

Calvin jumped onto one of the three couches. "I don't know, but it's great!"

Several lights suddenly lit up by the staircase, beaconing them. "Ooh," said Calvin, "let's see what's upstairs!"

Calvin ran up, followed by a reluctant Hobbes. However, the upper level was very different. No furniture, just a sprawling maze of doors and tiny rooms. "This isn't a good sign," said Hobbes. "There's no furniture, just doors...we could easily get lost up here."

Ignoring the tiger, Calvin ran into a random door.

"Come back here! This has to be a trap!" Hobbes ran after Calvin, but found himself lost soon. "Great. Bowser and Gannondorf got both of us..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Elsewhere, Calvin was wandering in the maze when he came to what appeared to be the house's only dead end. "Weird, this is the only wall without a door in it."

Suddenly, a door popped up (obviously built by Bowser or Gannondorf). Seeing as there was nowhere else to go, Calvin walked inside. Behind the door was a small chemistry set. Calvin shrugged and started working.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Hobbes found himself at another dead end. Suddenly, a bookshelf popped up, holding many books, but all were the same copy. The book was entitled, "How To Use the Concatenation Station Home Chemistry Lab." Intrigued, Hobbes started to read.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin eventually made a green potion. "I'm feeling pretty hungry," he said. "Well, here's hoping this isn't poison!" Calvin drank it. Instantly, another Calvin appeared.

"Who are you?" asked the original Calvin.

"I'm your evil clone created by that potion! Now I'm gonna wreck this house, clog the plumbing, set some fires, break the appliances, throw out all of your food...and maybe get rid of your tiger!"

"Leave Hobbes alone!" warned Calvin.

The clone punched Calvin, with surprising strength. "Good thing I'm stronger than you! The only way to get rid of me is if you drink the pink potion!" The clone disappeared into the maze of doors.

Calvin quickly got to work. "Well, if I can't fight him, I'd better make that potion and destroy him!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hobbes continued reading. The final page had an important message: "WARNING: NEVER MAKE OR DRINK THE GREEN OR PINK POTIONS! THE GREEN CREATES AN EVIL CLONE AND THE PINK TURNS THE USER INTO A VICIOUS AND DESTRUCTIVE MONSTER!" Hobbes put the book down and thought. If the book was here, then the chemistry set was probably here, too. And since this was obviously a trap, then Calvin must have stumbled upon the set...which meant that he probably created something bad!

Just as detective Hobbes figured all of this out, the clone burst through a door behind him. "AHA!" yelled the evil creature. "Now it's time for some fur to fly!"

Knowing that it wasn't Calvin, Hobbes stepped back. "You're a clone!"

"Aren't we smart. Now prepare to be ripped to pieces!" The clone lunged at Hobbes, who ran for it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin had finally finished his potion. "I'll save you, buddy! Just gotta drink this pink potion!" Calvin drank it and was transformed into a Frankenstein-style monster who couldn't control himself. "CRUSH AND DESTROY!" The monster ran into the hall and joined in chasing Hobbes.

"I've gotta lose these guys!" Hobbes ran back to the staircase to find that Bowser and Gannondorf had already built several bookshelves around it, making sure he was trapped. "Darn it! I better find another way!" Running as fast as he could, Hobbes managed to find the chemistry set room. He locked the clone and the monster out and started working. "Good thing I read that a brown potion makes invisibility!"

Hobbes quickly made the potion and chugged it down just as the clone and the monster broke in.

"Where's that tiger?" wondered the clone, unable to see Hobbes. The invisible Hobbes hits them both from behind, knocking them out. He calmly made two white potions. "And white potions heal Sims!" Hobbes fed one to the monster, turning him back into Calvin, and the other to the clone, making it fade away.

"Thanks, Hobbes," said Calvin, sitting up. "I hoped that we'd never have to deal with clones again."

"So did I. Right now we have to get out of here." Hobbes built a door on the wall.

"But we can't walk out of the second story," Calvin pointed out. "That's probably why they put the traps up here in the first place!"

"But they forgot that we can build stairs!" reminded Hobbes. He put down some stairs and they exited onto the lawn.

Bowser pounded his claws on the desk. "DANG IT! We were so close to getting them that time!"

"Luckily," said Gannondorf, "I still have a plan. I brought us two Cloaking Devices to make us invisible. Hobbes isn't the only one who can do that."

"I don't get it."

"Just wait..." said Gannondorf as they became invisible as Calvin and Hobbes looked up at them.

"Looks like Gannondorf and Bowser are gone," said Hobbes.

"How about a victory rocket launch?" suggested Calvin.

"Sure!" As they blasted the rocket off, Gannondorf became visible again.

"Finally!" Gannondorf grabbed the rocket as it fell and directed it to land on Hobbes. In an instant, Hobbes was a charred stuffed tiger.

"Hobbes!" cried Calvin.

Bowser and Gannondorf laughed and danced victoriously.

"No..." Calvin said quietly. "Not my best friend..."

The Grim Reaper approached him. "I am here for the tiger."

Calvin jumped up. "No! I won't let you!"

"Don't worry, I'm programmed to bargain with you. We'll play 'Rock, Paper, Scissors.' If you win, you keep him. If I win, he comes with me."

Both of them played. "Rock...paper...scissors!" Calvin won. Paper beat rock.

"Congratulations," said the Reaper. In a puff of smoke, Hobbes was restored. The Reaper looked up at Bowser and Gannondorf. "And as for you two, just leave these innocent kids alone! I'll get both of your someday!"

"Ha!" laughed Bowser. "You can't get me! I'VE got the Sorcerer's Stone!"

"That's a block of plastic," said Gannondorf.

Bowser looked disappointed. "Aww...my kids said it was the Sorcerer's Stone."

"We've got to get out of here!" said Calvin.

Hobbes ran to a phone. "Right! I'll call a cab! It's coming to pick us up. It'll cost us our last bit of money, but it's worth it to get away from them."

A taxi pulled up. "A cab!" yelled Bowser. "We can't let them get into the city!"

Gannondorf grabbed the mouse. "I'll build a fence!" Calvin and Hobbes hurried to the cab as Gannondorf worked on a gate to block them off. Suddenly, the gate stopped. Calvin and Hobbes made it into the cab and drove away.

"Why did you stop building!" hissed Bowser.

"We're out of money. We blew it all on that huge mansion to get them to let their guards down...and it almost worked!"

"Man, this is boring!" complained Bowser, who started looking at the computer controls. "Hey, what does the eject button do?"

"Don't press that!"

Bowser pressed it anyway. Calvin and Hobbes were suddenly zapped back to the real world. Gannondorf glared at Bowser. "You...are...an...idiot!"

"But I'm an idiot with the Sorcerer's Stone!"

Gannondorf sighed and turned to Calvin and Hobbes. "Well, at least I can still pound these two into oblivion." He raised his fist.

"Hey, what does this button that says 'enter computer' do?" asked Bowser.

"DON'T PRESS THAT---"

Bowser pressed it, of course. He and Gannondorf suddenly found themselves in the Sims.

"Okay," said Gannondorf, "you're an even bigger idiot for pressing that."

"I just wanted to know what it did..."

"See this diamond thing hovering over my head? It's red! That means to LEAVE ME ALONE!" Gannondorf finally lost it and started to beat the crap out of Bowser.

"We'd better just leave," said Hobbes, watching the screen.

Calvin grabbed the computer mouse. "Not yet. We need some revenge, after all." Calvin bought a Tragic Clown portrait for them. The clown came out to make their lives worse.

"Great!" said Bowser. "Now that stupid clown's here!"

"RUN!" The two ran for it, being chased by the clown. Satisfied, Calvin and Hobbes went back to camp.

* * *

This is the first story with Gannondorf as the main villain, grudgingly working alongside of Bowser. I doubt he'll star in too many episodes, as the joke is that he realizes that he has better things to do with his time, whereas Bowser has pretty much dedicated his life to destroying the camp at this point. Honestly, I think there's been a little too much of the Koopas lately. 


	15. The Fourth of July

The following story's plot and some of thecamp's anthem was contributed by Insane Guy of DOOM.

* * *

It was the 4th of July. Jason and Marcus walked into camp carrying some huge boxes.

"What's in the boxes?" asked Eddy.

"Wax?" guessed Ed.

"Nope!" said Jason. "The Fourth of July is tonight, and we're going down to the park to set off these fireworks."

"First of all," said Edd, "the park has their own fireworks, and second, why are you bringing them to camp?"

"We have to test these somewhere," grinned Jason.

"We plan on setting them off in the pool!" explained Marcus.

"The pool?" exclaimed Eddy. "You'll kill everyone! Wait, everyone includes Kevin...DO IT!"

"Isn't there a little wax in the box?" Ed asked again.

"Well," said Marcus, "we'd better stash these things where no one would look..."

"The woods!" cried Jason.

The two of them snuck down the hall to the main door when Charlie Brown stepped in front of them. "Hold on! I'm the hall monitor and you have to tell me where you're going."

"We have to go to the woods," said Jason. "We'll be right back."

"Sorry, but that's against the rules."

"Come on!" complained Marcus. "The counselors just tricked you into doing this so they don't have to work!"

"Calvin already tried that on me...and it worked. Go ahead."

Jason and Marcus calmly left. "What a blockhead."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Calvin and Hobbes were hiking through the same woods, singing an anthem to the camp they had written.

(To the tune of the Camp Kidney Anthem)

Calvin: **_By a busy bustling campus_**

Hobbes: **_And the Cul-de-sac _**

Both: **_Stands our good ol' only daycamp_**

_**Which has decent snacks**_

Calvin: **_Not the cleanest _**

Hobbes: **_Not the smartest_**

Both: **_Nor the best are we_**

(Ed jumps out of nowhere)

Ed: **_But..._**

Calvin and Hobbes: **_Proud to be the only daycamp around Peach Creaky_**

_**Gives us neglectful cons-el-ors**_

_**Pool toys that are old, **_

_**Crazy Kankers hiding somewhere**_

_**Showers full of mold**_

_**Pre-packed lunches, scamming Ed-boys **_

_**And plenty of geeks...**_

_**The spirit of our good ole' daycamp right here by Peach Creak! **_

"Ah, the sounds of nature and obnoxious anthems!" breathed Calvin, as they came to a clearing.

Hobbes saw two figures by a tree. "Hey, is that Jason and Marcus?"

"There!" said Jason, stashing the fireworks. "We'll grab them later when we're heading to the pool."

Once they had left, Calvin and Hobbes scampered out. "Wow," said Hobbes, "look at those fireworks!"

Calvin dove into the pile. "Awesome! Let's go blow up Susie!"

"Uncle Sam wouldn't want that on the Fourth of July."

"My Uncle's name is Max."

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "No, the patriotic image of America!"

"You've been watching too many wartime cartoons. I'm taking one little rocket back to camp."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Speaking of Uncle Sam, Eddy was dressed as him, patrolling the hallways at camp. "Kids of camp!" he called. "Get ready for a special war reenactment!"

"I hope you realize it would be hard to reenact a war with only three of us," Edd pointed out.

"We just play the heroic Americans," explained Eddy. He smiled slyly. "Everyone else is an enemy."

"What?"

"Just grab a weapon. We attack by sea today at the pool!"

"Oh dear..." sighed Edd.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later, everyone was playing baseball outside. Charlie Brown was about to pitch the ball when...

"WAIT!" shouted Lucy.

Charlie Brown stumbled in confusion, nearly tripping over himself. "What is it?"

"We can't play baseball without playing the 'Star Spangled Banner,' can we?" cried Lucy. "How do you expect us to play baseball without playing the 'Star Spangled Banner?'"

Charlie Brown rolled his eyes. "Fine. How do we...?"

Snoopy quickly set up a record player that blared the anthem. "Okay," Charlie Brown said when that was all over. "Now let's play."

Charlie Brown was about to pitch again when...

"WAIT!" shouted Lucy.

"Now what!"

"We can't play baseball without saying the Pledge, can we? How do you expect us yo play baseball without saying the Pledge?"

Everyone said the pledge. Charlie Brown was about to again when...

"WAIT!"

"WHAT NOW?" yelled Charlie Brown.

"How come you always get to pitch and not us?" complained Lucy. "How come, Charlie Brown?"

"AAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!"

"That boy has no patriotism," said Lucy, watching Charlie Brown run away screaming.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Calvin hid in the bathroom with Hobbes. "Light the fuse!" Hobbes whispered excitedly. "Light the fuse!"

"Oh boy! This is gonna be great!" The firework went off, flying everywhere. It hit a wall and exploded.

"That was disappointing," said Hobbes.

Suddenly, the rocket was up again, and flew into the hall. "How did it do that!" cried Calvin.

The rocket passed Jason and Marcus. "Hey," said Marcus, "someone found our special firework!"

"It must be Calvin!" guessed Jason.

Calvin and Hobbes ran over. "What exactly did that do?"

Marcus looked warily at the rocket's trail. "Well, it sort of keeps going and going."

"And then?"

"That's it," said Jason.

"So there's no way to stop it!" cried Hobbes.

Marcus shrugged innocently. "Unless someone gets a bright idea."

Suddenly, the rocket came down and snagged Calvin's shirt, flying away with him. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The guys followed the rocket outside. "I think we should all take a last look at Calvin..." said Jason as the rocket flew into the air.

"Dang," said Hobbes. Suddenly, there was a small explosion. Calvin fell to the ground with a splat. Hobbes turned to Jason. "Hey, you said he'd be dead!"

"We merely implied it," said Jason.

"You said the rocket wouldn't stop!" hissed Calvin.

"Implied," repeated Marcus.

"No, you flat out said it."

"Our mistake."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Near the end of the day, everyone was at the pool. A huge old-fashioned ship was suspended over it from the ceiling.

"I wonder why the ship is there," said Franklin.

"Well, we're not the only people who use this pool," reminded Linus. "I assume someone else is doing something with it."

Sally hugged Linus's arm. "Maybe they want us to have a romantic cruise!"

"Good grief."

High in the air, the Eds peeked out of the ship. "Sailing for adventure on the big blue wet thing!" yelled Ed happily.

Eddy grinned. "Alright, boys, we start our reenactment in a few seconds!"

"I certainly hope the kids enjoy it," Edd said nervously.

Down below, Linus was frantically swimming away from Sally. "Come on, my sweet baboo!" called Sally. "We can just pretend we're sailing by a beautiful sunset!"

"I'M NOT YOUR SWEET BABOO!"

"Now!" cried Eddy. The Eds released the boat, landing it with a huge splash in the pool (and on top of Linus). The Eds stood on board, wearing patriotic clothing.

"Ah, Columbia!" breathed Edd, standing dramatically on the mast as dramatic Orchestia music swelled, complete with chorus. "Gem of the ocean!"

Eddy and Edd: **_They banners make tyranny tremble_**

_**When borne by the red white and blue**_

Ed: BLUE!

Eddy and Edd: **_When borne by the red white and blue_**

Ed: BLUE!

Eddy and Edd: **_When borne by the red white and blue_**

Ed: BLUE!

Eddy, Edd and Chorus: **_They banners make tyranny tremble_**

_**When borne by the red white and blue**_

Ed: BLUE!

The music faded. Eddy whipped out a huge mallet. "Now let's kill us some foreigners!"

Grabbing various cartoon weapons, Ed and Eddy jumped off of the ship and attacked the kids.

"Oh dear," said Edd. "Eddy, they did volunteer, right?"

"What are you talking about?" called Eddy, bashing Schroder on the head.

"So you're going to assault them and then make them pay?" cried Edd.

"It's an honor."

Jason and Marcus sprang out of the pool. "This looks like a job for patriotism!" shouted Jason.

"Mostly fireworks," admitted Marcus. Jason and Marcus startedfiring fireworks at the Eds.

"Retreat!" The Eds scrambled back onto the ship. "You can't stop America!" yelled Eddy. A rocket blew up his uniform.

"America needs to fall into the Gap," said Ed.

Edd backed up in fear. "This is not the time, Ed. I suggest we plea for our lives."

"Ed!" called Eddy as more rockets were fired. "Get the cannons!"

Edd looked up. "We have cannons?"

"Cannonball!" Ed dove into the pool, sending water nine feet in the air. When everyone returned to the surface, the ship was gone.

"How did those dorks escape?" wondered Kevin.

"They didn't," said Marcus. "They're right behind you." Everyone turned around to see that the ship had only moved a few feet.

Rolf angrily climbed onboard the ship. "It is not Rolf's fault he is foreign! Attack the Ed-boys!"

Eddy pulled out his cartoon mallet in self-defense. "Now what? Think, sockhead!"

"It wasn't my idea to do this!" cried Edd.

"We need mermaids!" suggested Ed.

In desperation, Edd jumped off of the ship and grabbed several fireworks.

"Hey!" shouted Jason.

"My apologies!" Edd jumped back on the ship, where the others had climbed aboard and were fighting Ed and Eddy. "Hurry!" cried Edd. "Knock them off!"

Under the ship, Calvin and Hobbes swam around and found a hatch. They quickly climbed in. "Awesome!" said Calvin. "These guys really went out of their way to make a fully functional historical ship!"

Hobbes opened a chest. "And oddly well-stocked with alcohol. I'm not going to ask."

Calvin saw a door to the ship's deck. "On my signal, we attack!"

Meanwhile, the Eds had managed to throw all the kids overboard. Edd had covered the ship in fireworks and lit a fuse. "I certainly hope this works..."

The ship blasted off, shattering the huge glass windows and disappeared into the sky as "You Can Fly" played.

"They took our fireworks!" complained Marcus.

"And look at Quincy!" said Jason, holding up his blank-looking iguana. "He's heartbroken."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Flying free in the sky, the Eds cheered. "We're alive!" sighed Eddy in relief, happily spinning the ship's wheel.

Edd leaned over the edge. "And just look at that view!"

Calvin and Hobbes, meanwhile, were still hiding. "When's the signal?" asked Hobbes.

"The what?"

"The signal! The thing you said you'd give!"

"Oh," said Calvin. "That. Okay, now, I guess." Calvin and Hobbes jumped out. "Prepare to duel!"

"Too late," said Eddy. "We're escaping! I'm king of the world!"

Ed danced by. "I'm in my happy place, Eddy!"

"But how will we get down?" asked Hobbes.

There was a long silence.

"I thought just as much," said Edd.

"Jason and Marcus said these things were special..." remembered Calvin. "We'll be up here for a while."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That night, Jason and Marcus sadly sat at the park. "I can't believe we lost the fireworks," said Jason.

"At least these ones are nice," said Marcus, watching the normal fireworks.

"Still..."

Suddenly, a new ship sailed in. "Hey, what's that?" asked Marcus.

The Eds' ship flew across the night sky. Illuminated by the fireworks, it was a beautiful sight. However, onboard, it was different.

"Steer! STEER!" yelled Edd. "We're getting too close to the other fireworks! This could cause a chain reaction! An explosion!"

Calvin and Hobbes spun the wheel. "We're trying!"

"Abandon ship!" yelled Eddy. They all jumped off the ship just as it exploded in an array of colors. Everyone watching cheered. Jason and Marcus stood and saluted, happy to see their fireworks.

Jason and Marcus: **_They banners make tyranny tremble_**

_**When borne by the red white and blue!**_

Ed landed next to them. "BLUE!"

* * *

"Columbia, Gem of the Ocean" was featured in the Music Man, a musical I was in (complete with someone shouting BLUE! after every line).

Since I can't put in any "Camp Lazlo" characters, the camp's anthem will probably be the only bit of the series I ever include.

Snoopy playing the National Anthem on a record player is a refrence to "A Boy Named Charlie Brown," the best of the Peanuts movies.


	16. Quincy, Come Home

It was yet another day at camp. The Kankers had once again cornered the Eds. Eddy tried the door at the end of the hall. "It's locked!"

Edd backed up. "Curses, it looks like this is it!"

"Relish!" smiled Ed.

Suddenly Jason and Marcus, who managed to climb up onto the wall, dropped Quincy on Marie's head.

"AAAAHHHH!" squealed the Kanker. "Get it off!" The sisters scrambled around, screaming and bumping into each other. Quincy fell off as they ran away.

"Works every time!" grinned Jason.

"We better not have to pay you for this," grumbled Eddy.

Marcus held up the iguana. "If anything, you should pay Quincy!"

Agreeing, Ed spat a bug out of his mouth, which Quincy promptly ate.

"Why was that in your mouth?" asked Edd.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, the Kankers hid in the main room's closet. "That's the fourth time this week we've been stopped by those nerds!" said Lee. "We oughta get rid of them right now!"

"But it's usually that stupid iguana thing," shrugged May.

"Yeah," agreed Marie. "We'd better start with him!" The Kankers laughed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Outside of the closet, Jason and Marcus were reading comics with Quincy. Marcus decided that they should also plan out Kanker defense strategies. "What's our plan for the next Kanker ambush?"

"Well, we've done the vent thing, and we've piloted him on a toy plane before..." As Jason talked, the Kankers hid behind the corner and made a grab for Quincy, who scurried a few inches aside. He saw a cricket hop by in the hall and crawled after it.

"There he goes!" The Kankers ran after Quincy through the hall.

Marcus watched the Knakers, unaware that they were after the lizard. "They must be after the Eds again."

Jason reached for his iguana. "I'll get Quincy...Quincy? Quincy's gone!"

Jason and Marcus ran all around the room, looking for things and putting "Lost Pet" signs up. Within a few seconds, the room had been turned upside-down and wallpapered with posters.

"QUINCY!" they both yelled at the top of their lungs.

"Is he lost or something?" asked Johnny.

"No," Jason said sarcastically, "we're putting up posters for no reason. YES, HE'S LOST!"

"I'll bet Plank knows where he is! He sees things!" The three boys and board of wood ran into the hall. "Plank says Quincy went in the girl's bathroom!" Johnny told them.

"Hoo boy," sighed Jason. He and Marcus snuck inside, only to be assaulted by Sarah.

"STAY OUT!" yelled the girl.

"We'll never get Quincy back now!" Jason cried in anguish.

"Plank says he fooled you!" said Johnny. "He doesn't really know where Quincy is."

"Grab an axe..." Marcus said in a low voice.

"RUN, PLANK!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Kankers, meanwhile, hid in a storage room. Lee paced around. "Okay, that stupid lizard couldn't have gotten very far. He's not bright. He's a moron!"

"Like May!" said Marie.

"HEY!"

Marie turned to Lee. "What do we do when we catch him, anyway?"

Lee smiled. "We can do anything! Squish him, make him cross traffic, lots of stuff!"

A Mario book (which served as a portal to the Nintendo world) next to them glowed. Out warped Gannondorf. "You three! Tell me where I can find the iguana known as...'Quincy.'"

"What's your beef with him?" asked Lee.

"The two boys once dressed him as me to celebrate the Legend of Zelda. Rather than have my image tarnished, I'll simply destroy him and be on my merry way."

May jumped up. "Hey, we're after him, too!"

"Listen, buddy," said Marie, "we're gonna get the iguana ourselves! No one else!"

Gannodorf raised his fist. "I will not be disrespected by such insignificant girls like you!"

Quincy walked by at this moment. "GET IT!" chorused the Kankers and Gannondorf. They ran after Quincy, who made a sharp turn by a wall. The others crashed as he walked away.

"I don't have time for this," groaned Gannondorf, who promptly left.

"Maybe he's right, guys," said May.

Lee shook her head. "No way! If we're ever gonna get the Eds again, Quincy's gotta go!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At one of the building's many gyms, everyone was playing kickball.

"I shouldn't be here!" sighed Jason. "I should be out looking for Quincy."

"This reminds me of the time when Hobbes got lost in the woods," said Calvin.

Hobbes glared at him. "Hey, I thought I told you not to mention that!"

"YOU wanted to be the leader, but then you got lost!" laughed Calvin. "Irony kills me!"

"Something else is about to kill you..."

"Hey! Dork!" called Kevin. "You're up!"

"Which one of us?" asked Calvin, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Jason, and Marcus.

"The dork with glasses," replied Kevin impatiently.

Jason sighed and walked up to the plate.

"Not like he's gonna get anywhere..." Kevin grumbled to himself. He rolled the ball. As Jason prepared to kick it, he saw Quincy at the edge of the gym, still chasing the cricket.

"QUINCY!" Jason ran for the iguana, accidently kicking the ball. It bounced around madly, rocketing off the walls.

Kevin was impressed. "Wow, the dork did something right for a change."

Jason headed for Quincy.

"You idiot!" yelled Kevin. "Run around the bases!"

"I can't! Quincy!"

Moe ran over to Jason. "He said run around the bases!" The bully kicked Jason, who bounced off of each base, finally landing on home plate.

"Cool," said Kevin.

"It's a talent," nodded Moe.

The Kankers also ran for Quincy, but were hit by the still bouncing ball. Everyone cheered and formed a mob around Jason. He, Calvin, Hobbes, and Marcus couldn't manage to get through to save Quincy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Darkland, Gannondorf was playing cards with Bowser. "I win!" cheered the Koopa.

Gannondorf punched him a few times. "Me seeing you painfully limp away after getting a beating from me is enough of a victory. I wish I could have done the same for that blasted iguana, Quincy."

"Huh?"

"Oh, I was trying to crush him earlier today, but he got away. I decided he wasn't worth it and came here to inflict pain on you." Gannondorf left.

The second he was gone, Bowser bellowed, "KIDS!"

The Koopalings piled in. "What is it, pop?" asked Jr.

"Gannondorf actually couldn't do something that we can!" Bowser said excitedly. "We're going to that summer camp and kill Quincy!"

"But don't we reptiles have a code against killing other cold-blooded creatures?" Ludwig pointed out.

"Codes don't matter when you're trying to one-up a rival!" grinned Bowser. "Grab your weapons!"

Gannondorf stood listening outside of the room. "He really should have waited until I actually left his house. Ah, well. Back to camp, I suppose."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At camp, Jason and Marcus had gathered everyone in the main room. "Attention, kids!" announced Jason. "A poor iguana is lost in this building! Everyone has to help us find him!"

"What's in it for us?" called Eddy.

"The satisfaction in knowing that a ten year old's heart is happy."

Everyone groaned and started to leave when Marcus stopped him. "Wait! Don't you people have morals? Feelings? Jason's done a lot for all of you guys!"

Peppermint Patty rolled her eyes. "Like randomly jumping out at people and waving a fake lightsaber at us? Or bothering us with that stupid iguana? It's a relief it's gone!"

"But, sir, what if your pet got lost?" asked Marcie.

"I don't have a pet!"

"I agree with Marcie," said Linus. "Quincy possessed an innocence that the world now lacks."

"'Innocence?'" scoffed Lucy. "He was dumb as a post!"

"So is Ed, but we keep him around," Linus pointed out.

"I like toucans," said Ed, for no real reason.

"Let's find an iguana!" cheered Calvin. Everyone ran out into the halls to search.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eddy relaxed on a couch in the lounge. Edd walked by. "Eddy, we really should be looking for Quincy!"

"Hey, if he passes us, we'll see him." As Eddy said this, Quincy scurried by behind him, followed by the Kankers, the Koopas, and Gannondorf.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Elsewhere, Jason and Marcus had put something on the ground.

"What's that?" asked Calvin.

"Iguana nip," replied Jason.

"I didn't know they made that," said Hobbes.

"They don't," explained Marcus. "It's just something we made out of bugs and such."

Ed jumped on it. "Yum! Food for Ed!"

Johnny excitedly ran over. "Guys! Guys! Plank says that Quincy's in the girls' bathroom!"

Jason rolled his eyes and walked away. "Well, tell Plank to find some new jokes." As they left, Quincy crawled out of the girls' bathroom and around the corner.

Eventually, Charlie Brown stopped looking. "Sorry, Jason, but I have to give up. I hope you find him." The others agreed and left.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soon, everyone was playing dodgeball in a different, bigger gym.

"I've gotta keep my eyes open!" said Jason on the field.

"Yeah," agreed Marcus, "Quincy must be here somewhere!"

They saw Quincy in the distance. "There he is!" Jason and Marcus ran for him, only to be pelted with balls by the Kankers.

"Dang," said Marcus, as Quincy ran away again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later, they sadly walked back to the main room. "I guess we're on our own..." sighed Jason.

"Hey, let's take a rest," said Marcus. "In five minutes, we'll start looking again."

"Okay."

(To the tune of "My Best Friend Plank")

Unseen Singer: **_I'm never bored when I'm with you_**

_**We're pals, we're buddies through and through  
I wish I knew what to do when you **_

_**Just go missing  
**_

_**Our friendship even rocks the world**_

_**It's fun when we freak out some girls**_

_**You don't mind when you get hurled**_

_**At their heads now**_

_**It's never hard to talk to you**_

_**You listen with silent staring**_

_**I know I'll find you pretty soon**_

_**And then we can have fun scaring**_

_**  
My iguana**_

_**My iguana**_

_**My iguana**_

_**  
Sitting there so silently **_

_**What could you be thinking**_

_**Sneaking out of your small cage**_

_**Each year it seems like it's shrinking**_

_**I dress you up in funny clothes**_

_**One time you were a wizard**_

_**The lone iguana will return**_

_**More adventures for this lizard**_

_**My iguana**_

_**My iguana**_

_**My iguana**_

_**Ooo, Quince**_

_**I miss you, I miss you**_

_**Ooo, Quince**_

_**I miss you**_

_**We'll take a calm walk down the block**_

_**Of course, I'll be the one to talk**_

_**I'll my sister a big shock**_

_**Because she's a fun one to stalk**_

_**My iguana**_

_**My iguana**_

_**My iguana**_

_**You're my iguana**_

"I'll give you some advice for that," Lucy called from her psychiatrist booth.

"What?"

"Get over it. Ten cents, please."

Jason glared at her. "Ooh, you picked the wrong guy to mess with..."

Suddenly, they heard a loud poof outside. They went into the hall to find that it was coated in flour.

Calvin, also coated in flour, ran over. "Great news! Me and Hobbes figured out a way to find Quincy! We coated the entire hallway with flour! That way, we'll see his tracks!"

"Oh, real handy," Marcus said sarcastically. "ANYONE can leave footprints in that!"

All of them went back in the room and started arguing at once, which sounded like this:

Calvin: Hey, we worked hard!

Lucy: Pay up!

Jason: Quincy's not about to just walk by here!

Suddenly, they glanced in the hall to see iguana tracks leading to the main entrance. There sat Quincy.

"See?" Calvin smiled proudly. "Told you it would work."

Marcus saw three familiar people sneaking up on the iguana. "Oh no! It's the Kanker Sisters!"

Jason, Marcus, Calvin, and Hobbes ran for him. "We'll save you, Quincy!"

The Kankers saw the boys coming and pushed a janitor cart at them.

"Look out!" cried Hobbes. "Janitorial supplies!" They were hit by the cart and rolled down the hall, out the other door, and into the distance.

"You still owe me!" Lucy called after them.

"Try to steer!" Hobbes said as they rolled outside. They managed to turn the cart around and headed for the iguana was...only to roll right by Quincy.

"We missed," Calvin said calmly.

"WE KNOW!" yelled Jason, Marcus, and Hobbes

By this time, they were nearing the stadium. They hit a bump and flew up onto the building, getting their shirts stuck on the edges of its' tallest points.

"I think we lost, Jason," said Marcus.

"NEVER!" Jason slipped out of his shirt and fell to the ground with a splat. Undaunted, he jumped up and ran for his friend. "I'm coming, Quincy!"

Calvin watched him in silence. Finally, he said, "Now, not only is he a kid whose lost his pet, but he's a shirtless kid whose lost his pet."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quincy was sitting innocently when the Kankers suddenly jumped for him. He moved to the right, causing them to hit the pavement. The Koopas sprang out next and all grabbed him, but he slipped out of each of their claws. Gannondorf prepared to stomp on him, but he once again moved over slightly, resulting in Gannondorf's foot burying itself in the sidewalk and getting stuck. Finally, the Kankers managed to slip the lizard into a cage.

"Finally!" cheered Lee. "Let's get out of here, girls!" The Kankers ran off, laughing.

"How did we lose to an iguana?" gasped Bowser.

Gannondorf sighed and kicked the Koopa into the distance. He turned to the Koopalings. "You guys want to play cards?"

"Sure."

As they left, Jason ran over. "Quincy? Quincy? I'm too late..." He sadly walked away.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone was at the pool. Jason quietly walked along the edge, thinking about Quincy. He heard the Kankers laughing in a storage room.

"I wish we were there to see his face when we got that iguana!" cackled Marie.

"At least we nailed him with that cart!" said Lee.

Jason angrily burst in. "YOU! You guys were the ones who took Quincy!"

"Proud of it," said Lee.

Jason stared at them for a few seconds in an awkward pause. "Well...give him back!"

"Who's gonna make us?" Lee said with an evil look. Marie and May closed the doors, trapping Jason with them.

"Hoo boy," said Jason, "I didn't plan this all out..."

May grabbed something on the floor. "Now we can finally test out these rusty chains!"

"I'm not into that stuff!" cried Jason.

"But we are," smiled Lee.

Suddenly, the doors burst open. Calvin, Marcus, Ed, Edd, and Eddy splatted the Kankers with water balloons. Marcus was holding Quincy.

"Quincy!" Jason hugged his iguana.

"We found him in a box in the girls' locker room!" said Marcus.

"We figured the Kankers took him," added Calvin.

Lee stood up. "Yeah...you forgot about us. GET THE IGUANA!" The Kankers charged at Jason, who stepped out of the way. They landed in the pool.

"Man," said May, "this is the fifth time this week we've been stopped by those nerds!"

Snoopy suddenly shoved a janitor cart into the pool, landing it on the Kankers.

"What was that for!" yelled Marie. Snoopy simply shrugged and left.

Jason hugged his iguana again and headed off. "Come on, Quincy! We've got some girls to scare!"

"I wonder why people aren't afraid of me like that," said Hobbes

"Can I have another cricket?" asked Ed.

Ed sighed. "Please end the episode before someone else has a bad one-liner."

Lucy ran by. "You still owe me!"

"Never mind."

* * *

This story has actually been in my notes for a while. When it was first thought of, it was indeed with Quincy, but the iguana was dropped in favor of a story about Calvin and Hobbes. However, Hobbes would have to stay pretty darn active to be escaping the Kankers, who can't "see" him like Calvin can. Actually, the early story notes appear to be from a stage when everyone could see Hobbes! In them, he chases a wind-up mouse around camp. 

Anyway, Hobbes was changed back to Quincy for obvious reasons. One scene that was dropped from the early notes was the Koopas coming in early and then getting captured by scientists.


	17. Lucy's Miracle Cure

_There are many things in the GROSS (Get Rid Of Slimy GirlS) Club logbook. Many are about the exploits Calvin and Hobbes have had with Susie, mostly resulting in her turning the tables on them. However, one interesting adventure is noted here, that happened one morning..._

Lucy was sitting with Schroder at his piano. "So you really love Beethoven?"

"The man was a genius," said Schroder.

"I like the movie about the big dog more."

Schroder looked up in shock. "That bomb? The dog had no right to share the name of the composer!"

"Well, could the composer fetch a ball?" asked Lucy. "Huh? Could he?"

"Good grief, why ever would he want to?"

Lucy shrugged. "Just saying." She turned to Linus, who was holding his security blanket, like always. "You! Drop the blanket!"

"Please desist from yelling," Linus said calmly. "You're ruining my concentration."

"Concentration! You don't need to concentrate!"

Linus started to walk away. "Shows how much you know."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Lucy noticed Johnny, holding Plank. "And you! Why are you always carrying that stupid board of wood around?"

"Plank's my best friend!"

"You two are the biggest embarrassments to this summer camp!" cried Lucy.

Calvin ran by and threw a water balloon at her. "Direct hit, Hobbes!"

"Well," growled Lucy, "maybe not the BIGGEST, but close. You obviously have problems."

"Maybe you're just jealous of the love and Plank share," smiled Johnny.

"I would NEVER be jealous."

"Honestly," said Linus, "that's the only explanation I can think of."

Lucy angrily grabbed Plank and the blanket. "HA! I'm going to destroy these! Then you can be cured of your addictions!"

"PLANK!"

"My security!"

As Lucy left, Johnny and Linus dropped onto the ground in a puddle of sweat.

"Are we gonna die?" asked Johnny.

"Perhaps...unless we can save our things!"

Johnny crawled to his feet. "I'm with you! Let's go!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lucy strolled across the campgrounds with Plank and the blanket, towards the road. "Just place them on the road and wait for a car to come...easy." She was nearing the road when she was hit from above with a waterballoon by Jason, who was sitting in a tree.

"I got the fussbudget, guys!" cheered Jason.

"You blockhead!" shouted Lucy. "You could have gotten Plank wet! Wait...what?" Lucy gave Plank an odd look.

"What's your problem?" called Jason. "Since when do you acknowledge that hunk of wood as a real person?"

In reply, Lucy threw Plank at Jason, beaning him in the head. He flew back to her like a boomerang. "Good shot, Plank." Content, Lucy sucked her thumb while holding the blanket.

Just then, Linus and Johnny ran around the corner. "There she is!" cried Linus.

Lucy used the blanket like a whip, keeping Linus and Johnny at bay. "Stay back!" she hissed with surprising fury. "I know how to use this thing!"

"But..." Linus said quietly, "I thought I was the only one who did that..."

"We don't know how, but we'll save you, Plank!" cried Johnny.

"I said stay back!" With another whip, Lucy sent them flying into a tree.

"Whipped by my own blanket..." sighed Linus.

"I've got an idea," Johnny said weakly.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin, Hobbes, Jason, Marcus, Rolf, Johnny, and Linus were soon in front of the building.

"This is an emergency meaning!" announced Calvin. "The Get Rid of Slimy girlS club and the Urban Rangers (aside from Jimmy, who doesn't agree with our ways) have joined forces!"

"Indeed," continued Rolf, "Ranger Jimmy will get no badge! But the handcloth and Ranger Plank are in danger! We must hunt down the persistent girl and save the two items from certain peril!"

Marcus raised his hand. "Can we use water balloons? I've filled some with Kool-Aid."

"Excellent idea!" applauded Calvin.

Linus was leaning against a column for support. "I'm having trouble breathing without my blanket!"

Johnny lay next to him. "Yeah, and I can hardly walk without worrying about poor Plank!"

"Relax, guys," said Jason, "we'll get them back! So what's the deal?"

"The angry girl," said Rolf (meaning Lucy), "is most likely on the camp's property. Therefore, we must spread out and hunt her down! Onward!"

They all ran in different directions, aside from Linus and Johnny, who fainted again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin and Hobbes crept through the halls. "You see her, Hobbes?"

"No sign. Linus said she was acting weirdly."

Calvin stopped. "Wait! I saw something move!"

"My instincts are kicking in!" Hobbes went into jungle cat mode and pounced on someone.

"Good lord!" gasped Edd. "Can't a fellow take a trip to the lavatory without being assaulted?"

Hobbes got off of him. "Sorry, Double D, I thought you were Lucy."

"If you had done that to her, you would have gotten...'slugged,' as she likes to say."

Jason walked over, bruised. "I just saw her."

"What happened!" cried Calvin.

"I got...'slugged,' as she likes to say."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marcus and Rolf were pacing in a nearby locker room.

"There's something weird going on here, Rolf," said Marcus. "I checked her files and they say that she's usually aggressive towards these things. But here, she's actually showing affection!"

"Rolf cannot understand this, either, but if we are to succeed, a special badge will be given to all."

Marcus held up a map of the camp. "We've checked all the bathrooms, the weight room, and the racquetball courts. Nothing. However, there were traces of her in the main room and the nearby gym. She's obviously in that area."

Calvin burst in. "Big news! We just saw her sprint through the halls! Jason made contact!"

"Did he give you any details!" asked Marcus excitedly.

"He said it hurt."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Johnny and Linus were lying in the sun outside.

"It all seems meaningless now that he's gone," Johnny said in anguish.

"I feel so empty inside," agreed Linus.

"Wanna talk about it?" asked Johnny.

Linus stareed at him for a few seconds, then collapsed again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Inside, the guys were all gathered around a door leading from one of the gyms to a small office-like room.

Jason pounded on the door. "We have you surrounded, Lucy! Are you going to give up?"

"I don't think she can hear us," said Calvin.

"Then we must use force!" Rolf grabbed a baseball and threw it at the door. It bounced off and hit Charlie Brown, causing all of his clothes to come off.

"Man, that never gets old," smiled Snoopy.

Edd strolled over. "Might I offer some assistance?"

"Oh boy!" cheered Calvin. "I bet he's got some great invention that's gonna cause an explosion and..."

Edd simply unlocked the door.

"Oh."

They looked inside to see an empty room with an open door.

"Wow," sighed Hobbes, "this whole episode is one anticlimactic bit after another."

"We forgot this room had another door to it!" groaned Marcus. "Lucy's escaped with Plank and the Blanket!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kevin, meanwhile, was doing an inventory check of all the toys in a supply closet. "Balls...bats...scooters..."

Suddenly, he was hit from behind by Plank, held by Lucy. She grabbed a scooter and rode away.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hate to say it, but Lucy could be anywhere now," admitted Jason.

Kevin walked over. "That dork just hit me and stole a scooter!"

"Ha ha!" laughed Eddy. "Kevin got beat up by a girl!"

Kevin smacked Eddy.

"Hey, Eddy!" said Ed. "That guy who got beat up by a girl just hit you!"

"Shut up."

"Which way did she go?" asked Calvin.

"Down the hall towards the racquetball courts," said Kevin.

"No time to lose!" cried Rolf. "Everyone grab a scooter and arm yourselves!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lucy was rolling down the hall when Rolf, Jason, and Marcus started chasing her, also on scooters. She turned and drove down a narrow path leading to a wall.

"Ha!" laughed Jason. "A dead end!"

Somehow, Lucy managed to turn her scooter so she bounced off the wall and drove the other way. The others crashed.

"Calvin! Hobbes!" called Marcus. "Stop her!"

Calvin and Hobbes bravely stood in the middle of the hall, only for Lucy to barrel though them (although Hobbes was easy, as he was stuffed). The others by this time had gotten up and were driving after her. As they passed, Hobbes's tail got caught around a wheel and was yanked down the hall, along with Calvin, who was holding on. Around a few turns, they would sharply curve, causing Calvin, still dangling off the end, to smack into a wall.

Eventually, the chase led them to a large gym. They were all chasing Lucy around the jogging track.

"You okay, guys?" Jason called to Calvin and Hobbes who were literally grinding against the wall.

"Couldn't be better," said Hobbes.

"What do you mean couldn't be better!" exclaimed Calvin. "We're in dire pain!"

"That was sarcasm."

"Oh. That makes sense."

Hobbes's tail came untied. He and Calvin fell off.

"Calvin!" cried Marcus, as their scooters got farther away.

"Go on without us!" shouted Calvin.

"Okay."

"Hey!" yelled Calvin as they disappeared down the track. "When I say that, you're supposed to stop and help! COME BACK!"

"Obviously, they don't watch any movies," said Hobbes.

Calvin looked up. "I've got an idea!"

Calvin and Hobbes ran over to a volleyball net and sprung themselves back to the scooters, coming down on them hard. The crash resulted in Calvin and Hobbes on one scooter with the other three dangling off. Calvin turned around and started ranting at them:

"Well, how the tables have turned! Now maybe I can slam YOU guys into the wall a few times! See how it feels!"

As Calvin was talking, Lucy made a turn and drove out the door.

"Spiky-haired Calvin boy!" cried Rolf. "You missed the turn!"

"So I did."

They drove out a different door, straight into the road, where they were promptly hit by a car.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lucy, meanwhile, passed Johnny and Linus.

"My blanket!"

"Plank!"

Linus managed to climb to his feet. "We can't let her kick us around like this! We have to get back what's ours!"

"Yeah!" agreed Johnny. "Let's get her!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lucy was riding down the road. Snoopy and several little birds were hiding in the trees with slingshots.

"Okay, men," Snoopy announced to his troops, "don't shoot until you see the whites of her eyes!"

Woodstock chirped something.

"Good point," said Snoopy. "The way she's drawn, her eyes don't really HAVE whites. Just fire when you feel like it."

Everyone fired at Snoopy. "I meant at her!"

Linus and Johnny passed by, chasing Lucy. "She's heading for the pool!" called Linus.

Lucy suddenly stopped her scooter and jumped in the air. Using the blanket as a glider, she flew away in the wind.

"How can we catch up with her?" sighed Linus.

"Run faster!" suggested Johnny. "She's crazy!"

"I know. While everyone was already used to Plank and my blanket, this is the first time she's truly been exposed to them. They're so addictingly lovable, that for someone who's repressed them all her life, she's been hit full on by their effects!"

Snoopy walked over, dressed as the WWI Flying Ace. "Need a lift?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With Snoopy's help, they eventually reached the pool.

"Thanks!" called Linus, as they headed in.

There, in the water, sat Lucy, riding on a raft made of floatation noodles tied together. One large stick-like board made the mast. Plank was tied to the top, with the blanket waving like a flag.

"What do we do now?" asked Johnny.

"Dive!"

Linus and Johnny jumped into the pool and swam across to the raft.

"You better not get Plank wet!" growled Johnny.

"I would never," said Lucy, with a demented look. "I'm taking better care of him than you ever did!"

"NOOOO!" Johnny gave Lucy a hard push. She recovered quickly and pulled out three floatation noodles sitting on the side of the pool.

"You want them?" said Lucy. "I'm not giving up without a fight!"

The three of them started battling, using the noodles as swords. After a few minutes of random flopping getting them nowhere, Johnny and Linus twisted a few noodles around Lucy's legs. She tripped up and fell into the water.

"That's it! If I can't have them...no one can!" Lucy pushed the raft, which rapidly floated across the pool.

"We're in the deep end now!" Johnny said nervously.

Lucy grabbed some strings holding the raft together and pulled. The raft came apart. The noodle holding the mast with Plank and the blanket started to trip and sharply fell into the water. Before it could hit and get wet, Linus swam over and grabbed it, barely holding it up. He had to sit on a noodle to stay afloat.

Johnny was wrestling with Lucy when he saw Linus in trouble. He threw Lucy off and swam to Linus's aid.

"If you can grip part of this with your legs and use your arms to swim while I kick," said Linus, "we can get them to safety!"

"Right!"

They began to do so. Lucy saw them and managed to balance herself on two noodles while holding another. She drifted over and swung the noodle at the two boys, trying to get them to lose their grips on the mast. They managed to push the two noodles out from under her, causing the girl to fall down on them. Suddenly, they all lost their noodles and frantically climbed aboard the lone one with the mast. Their combined weight caused it to sink rapidly. The three scrambled up to the top with Plank and the blanket, but it would be a matter of seconds before it submerged.

Suddenly, Calvin, Hobbes, Jason, Marcus, and Rolf drove in through the window driving the car that had hit them earlier.

"Isn't this, like, the fourth time something's smashed through that window?" Marcus pointed out in midair.

"Happens," shrugged Jason.

The car made a huge splash in the pool, sending Linus, Johnny, Lucy, Plank, and the blanket safely out of the water.

"And this is probably the second time we've done the 'saved by a splash' thing!" continued Marcus as the car sank.

Linus hugged his blanket. "My blanket!"

"Plank!"

Linus turned to Lucy, who had smashed into a wall. "Are you okay?"

Lucy was mumbling something in a daze. "Blockhead...blockhead...what was all that?"

"I don't think she remembers anything," whispered Johnny.

"No, once she lost possession of Plank and my blanket, their addiction wore off."

"Plank says you were brave and that he'd do the same thing for you any day!"

"Thank you, Plank."

_Many people remember that day. Some remember it as the day that the GROSS Club and the Urban Rangers teamed up and were all rewarded with the "Saved a Member and Handcloth" badge. Linus and Johnny remember it as the day they finally stood up to Lucy. Eddy remembers it as the day that Kevin got beaten up by a girl, and Kevin remembers it as yet another day that he beat up Eddy. Ed remembers something about buttered toast. Almost all the kids remember it as the day that Double D saved their butts by repairing and returned a submerged stolen car (they owed him for that). Still, everyone can remember it best as yet another great adventure at camp!_

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This was a fun episode to write. When I first thought of it, I thought it would be similar to a Peanuts episode where Lucy steals Linus's blanket as uses it as a kite, and the episode would revolve around her on the raft. However, having her get addicted to them and move to raft to a climactic fight at the end made the would thing more enjoyable.


	18. The Thing in the Dorm

Instead of it being a typical morning at camp, like almost all the stories began, today it was actually evening at camp. The camp had arranged a sleepover for all the kids in the nearby dorms. Calvin's parents were dropping him off there.

"I never got to do something like this as a kid," complained Calvin's dad. "I think it's just the camp sucking out more of our money."

"Look on the bright side, dear," said his mom. "If they're having a special sleep over night for all the kids, it means that Calvin won't bother us tonight."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Inside, thunder clapped as Calvin and Hobbes put their stuff down in their room and began to unpack.

"I don't get it," said Hobbes. "If we're paired up two to a room, then how come BOTH of us have to share it with Double D?"

"Beats me," shrugged Calvin. "Maybe they're racist against tigers or something. Dibs on the bed."

Hobbes glared at him. "WHAT?!

"Hey," smiled Calvin, climbing onto the bed, "maybe they're just gonna make you sleep in the hall."

"It's you or me!" Hobbes sprung at Calvin. They fought as Double walked in.

"Hello, Calvin and Hobbes," he said calmly.

"Hey," they called, still fighting.

"Oh, this will be so much fun," continued Double D, "although this dorm could stand a bit of cleaning. However, Eddy says he has a great scam ready!"

"Can you tell us what?" asked Calvin, stopping the fight. "Y'know, so we can build a fortress and stuff."

Double D walked away. "Sorry, I've said too much already." After he left, Calvin and Hobbes resumed fighting.

Double D walked into Ed and Eddy's room next door to find it had already become a mess. "Heavens! Was your room like this when you got here?!"

"Nah," said Eddy, "Ed just walked in and this sorta...happened."

"I'm a pro, huh, guys?" grinned Ed.

Pigpen walked by and looked in. "Ha! That's nothing!"

Eddy turned to his friends. "Okay, here's my latest scam, guys!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few minutes later, Jason and Marcus stepped off the elevator to find a huge sign posted on the wall. "'Hotel Eddy?'" read Jason.

"Wow," said Marcus, "I'm surprised they haven't done this one already."

Eddy ran by and grabbed their bags. "I'll take those!" He threw the bags into a room. "Feel free to be generous in the tip."

"But that wasn't even our room!" complained Marcus.

Rolf threw the bags out. "Do not litter in Rolf's space! Leave now!"

Eddy ignored Rolf. "Like I said, feel free to be generous in the tip."

Jason sighed and tried to leave. "Look, we've got our own plans, so we're just gonna be heading to our room now..."

Eddy dramatically threw himself in their way. "Why crawl through the long hallways when you can simply be transported with ease by our friendly bellhop Ed?"

Ed grabbed Jason and Marcus, thundered down the hall and threw them into a room. "Faster than a speeding bullet!"

"This isn't our room either!" cried Jason.

"Yeah," agreed Marcus, "and we just knocked Charlie Brown out the window."

"Help!"

Eddy leaned out the window. "No one cares, ya blockhead!" Eddy closed it and everyone left as Linus walked in.

"Funny," said Linus. "I thought Charlie Brown was here."

As he was saying this, Charlie Brown reached for the window, but fells Linus saw this, made a grab for him, but missed. Snoopy caught Charlie Brown several stories below. "Snoopy! You saved me! Thank you so much!"

Snoopy simply handed him his food dish. "Good grief," sighed Charlie Brown.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone was in the cafeteria that evening getting food. Jimmy was sitting down when Eddy slapped an omelette on his plate. "Ever had an omelette made by me, a master chef before?"

"Actually," said Jimmy, "I was about to eat this quiche."

"Aw, they're practically the same thing!" cried Eddy in exasperation. "Go on! Eat it!"

Jimmy took a bite. "What's in this?"

"The world's best ham!"

"AAAAHHHHH!" Jimmy jumped up in horror. "I can't eat meat! Sarah!"

Sarah stomped over. "Eddy, you idiot!"

"That'll be five bucks, room service," grinned Eddy.

"But..." said Jimmy, "we're not in a room."

"Dang it. There's gotta be a way around this." As Eddy thought about this, Sarah punched him, sending him flying onto the tray return conveyor belt, leading to the kitchen. He found Double D washing dishes. "Double D? What are you doing in here?"

"Giving this lazy kitchen staff a lesson on proper cleaning! Messy, messy, messy..."

Eddy got off the conveyor belt. "You're a real freak."

"A curse, I'm afraid," sighed Double D.

Eddy stepped out to see Jason and Marcus finishing the omelette and leaving. He chased after them. "HEY! YOU GOTTA PAY FOR THAT!"

"Run!" cried Jason.

Jason and Marcus ran down the hall and into the elevator. The doors closed as Eddy reached them. "Darn it! Ed! Get over here!"

Ed thumped over. "Towers of love!"

"I need to get to our floor now!" instructed Eddy.

"Can do, Peru!" grinned Ed. He threw Eddy skyward , sending him smashing up through the ceilings several stories to his floor.

Eddy managed to cut off Jason and Marcus. "Pay up!"

"No," Marcus said calmly. He and Jason pulled out two cartoon mallets and smashed Eddy, sending him back down to the lobby.

"Hey! Where the heck did they get those mallets?"

"We order specially from catalogs!" Marcus called down. "What did you want us to pay you for, anyway?"

"That ham omelette you ate!" Eddy called back up. "I cooked it!"

"We were eating a cheese omelette," replied Jason. "I saw Calvin and Hobbes with a ham one, though."

Eddy turned angrily to Calvin and Hobbes, who were standing next to him.

"Uh-oh," said Calvin, running for it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That night, Eddy paced the dorms, listening in to rooms.

Double D yawned. "Eddy, we've been at this all night. It's almost lights out. Can we just go to bed already?"

"You're right," sighed Eddy. "It's all over, man."

"Will a comet hit us like the dinosaurs?" asked Ed.

They walked into the floor's lounge and sat down. "Well," said Double D, "sometimes we all must accept defeat. That's just how things go sometimes." Suddenly, lighting flashed outside and thunder clapped. Double D studied the storm out the window. "Odd. It wasn't raining a few seconds ago."

"Meh," said Eddy. "Let's go to sleep. Tomorrow, Hotel Ed is gonna give them the best omelettes in the world and then charge 'em room service whether they like it or not!"

"Dippin' Dots are the ice cream of the future!" agreed Ed.

They walked out into the hall to find that it was now completely dark, as opposed to having the lights on a minute ago. "Oh my," said Double D. "It's lights out..."

"Creepy," agreed Eddy. "Now, where's our room, again?"

Eddy opened a door. A hooded figure stood in the room. "Oops, sorry." Eddy closed the door.

"What do you mean?" said Double D. "That was your room, Eddy!"

"Then who was in it?" Eddy opened the door again to reveal no one.

"It is the Ghost of Christmas Future!" whispered Ed.

"Really, Ed," Double D said patiently. "No Dickens creation would waste time on us. I'm sure it was a trick of the light."

They turned saw someone out of the corner of their eyes walking across the hall.

"Trick of the light?" Eddy said nervously. "It moves fast, then."

Ed clapped his hands. "Stalkers! Yay!"

"Is that someone we know?" asked Double D.

Eddy ran into his room. "How about we just hide until morning?"

"But my room's door is locked!" cried Double D. "I think Calvin and Hobbes are asleep!"

"Well, rooming with Ed is bad enough!" Eddy slammed his door.

"Oh, curses," moaned Double D.

Suddenly, Ed and Eddy screamed and burst out of their room. "That thing was back!" gasped Eddy. "IN OUR ROOM!"

"I said hi for you, Double D!" smiled Ed. They peeked back in, to find that the room was empty.

"Something odd is going on here." Double D said quietly.

"Yeah!" Ed agreed happily. "It's like those movies I watch! Cool!"

(To the tune of "B-Movie Show" from _The Brave Little Toaster_)

Eddy: **_You should talk_**

_**It's no fun getting stalked**_

Double D: **_My skeptic mind can't figure out how_**

Ed: **_No, it's sweet_**

_**A real monster to meet**_

_**Just like Evil Tim**_

Double D: **_My, I pity him_**

Eddy: **_But we can't just sit and wait_**

_**Or even hesitate**_

_**That thing could be anywhere right now**_

(As Eddy says this, the hooded thing slips by)

Double D: **_I agree_**

_**This hooded entity**_

_**Could be around each hall**_

_**We'll give it our all**_

(They run for it, seemingly followed around each bend)

All Three: **_We'll run, we're in a cliche plot_**

_**We'll use all that we've got, whoa-oh**_

Ed: **_This is awesome and so great_**

Eddy:**_ It's something that I hate, no-oh_**

(They dash through a bathroom and hide in stall)

Double D: **_Yes, I'm scared, we're in no way prepared_**

_**Never thought this would happen to me**_

_**Chased around through a college dorm**_

_**Is very far from norm**_

_**It's stormy outside**_

_**There's nowhere to hide**_

_**I'm scared whether that thing is alive**_

_**Or something that died**_

(The hooded thing passes through and leaves. Ed jumps out)

Ed YAY! **_It's like a movie_**

_**It's a B-movie show**_

_**It's like a movie**_

_**It's a B-movie show**_

"This is so amazing!" cried Ed. "It's like the time the ghoul from the haunted dentist office chased the three heros through the urban city! I think that one was a sequel. Or maybe I made it up..."

Eddy: **_Ed's a freak_**

Double D:**_ But he's the help we seek_**

_**His bad trivia could save us now**_

Eddy: **_He's all wacked_**

_**But if we get attacked**_

(On the word "attacked," the hooded thing comes out behind them. They jump into a garbage can and bounce the opposite direction across the hall, dodging it)

Double D and Eddy:**_ It would be the end_**

_**Let's just trust our friend**_

(The hooded figure passes by again. The Eds huddle behind a corner)

All Three: **_Must find a way_**

_**Out of this mess**_

_**Naturally, it causes stress**_

_**There must be an escape route we can see**_

(Ed sees something)

Ed: **_An elevator!_**

Double D: **_Quick! To the lobby!_**

(They all struggle and fall out of the can. They then scramble down the hall towards the elevator, singing the final chorus. Along the way, the hooded thing peeks out of each dorm room they pass, as if there's more than one creature)

All Three with unseen chorus: **_It's like a movie_**

_**It's a B-movie show**_

_**It's like a movie**_

**_It's a B-movie show_**  
(Double D reaches the elevator first and presses the "DOWN" button and nervously watch the numbers above the doors tick up)

Eds (anxiously): **_Ahhh, ahhh_**

_**Ahhh, ahhh**_

_**Ahhh, ahhh**_

_**Ahhh, ahhh...**_

_**AHHH!!!**_

(Finally, the doors open. The Eds dash in as the song ends)

"Let's get outta here!" yelled Eddy. The elevator started going down, very slowly.

"Alright, gentlemen," Double D said, trying to stay calm, "we must all collect our thoughts now...who or what is this thing, and what are we going to do?"

"Ask for its' autograph!" suggested Ed. "Then we can know what it is and remember it FOREVER!"

"How about we just run for our lives?" considered Eddy. "We can find some sorority house and crash there!"

The doors opened on the floor right above the lobby. The hooded thing was standing there. The Eds screamed and pressed the "door close" button before it could get on.

"Supernatural powers..." sighed Double D. "How comforting."

"Awsomeness!" cheered Ed.

The doors finally opened at the lobby and the Eds ran out, still screaming. Eddy pointed ahead. "There are the doors!" He jumped for it, but instead splattered against them.

"Can I assume they're locked?" Double D rolled his eyes.

"Assume away."

Ed turned around. "Here comes our pal!" The Eds looked up to see the hooded thing had again returned and was getting closer and closer.

Double D backed against the wall. "This must be haunting this dorm for a reason! Perhaps we can help it..."

The hooded figured stopped and seems to consider this. Then it shook its' head and continued towards them.

"Maybe it's just messing with us!" guessed Eddy. The figure nodded. Eddy sighed with relief. Then the figure continued towards them, anyway.

"What if it was messing with you when it said it was messing with you?" said Ed. The figure nodded again.

"Darn it!" cried Eddy.

Double D had an idea. "Ed, how do the people usually escape the villains in your movies?"

"They usually don't. Cool, huh?"

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Eddy couldn't take it anymore. He burst through the door, despite it being locked, and ran for it.

"Or that happens," said Ed. He and Double D followed Ed. They stopped in the street.

"We can't catch our breath here!" panted Double D. "It's not safe in the streets!"

They all looked up to see a car approaching them. The hooded thing was at the wheel.

"Okay," grumbled Eddy, "this has gone from scary to stupid." They jumped out of the way. Ed landed on a manhole that opened up. They all fell through, into the sewers.

"Unclean!" cried Double D. "Messy, messy, messy!"

"This keeps getting better!" smiled Ed.

They heard something approaching, echoing off the walls. A shadow of the hooded thing was approaching. The Eds screamed yet again.

"Ed!" commanded Eddy. "Throw us NOW!" Ed threw him and Double D into the air. They flew right back into the dorm building's lobby.

"Oh, NOW we're safe," complained Double D sarcastically. "We're back where we came from!"

"Yeah, but that thing's still with Ed," yawned Eddy. "Let's go to sleep."

Double D shook his head. "Sorry, Eddy, but I can't. Our friend is in trouble now!"

Eddy groaned. "Oh, don't guilt me into coming with you."

"I won't." Double D walked out.

Eddy watched for a few seconds. "DANG IT! It worked!" Eddy caught up with him. They peered down into the sewers.

"Can you see him?" whispered Double D.

"No...what do we do now?"

"Hey, guys!" called Ed. Eddy and Double D turned to see Ed waving from the dorm building's door.

"How did he do that?" wondered Eddy.

"Don't ask questions!" cried Double D. "If we're all out here, then that means that our 'friend' is going to be..." They turned around to see the hooded thing rising out of the sewers. Double D sighed. "I would scream, but it's getting old."

They all ran into the lobby yet again and crashed into a wall, falling over unconscious. The hooded thing just watched, as if amused...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What are you guys doing?" asked Calvin. The three Eds looked up.

"It's morning!" realized Double D. "We made it!"

"Aw," Ed said disappointedly. "It was all a dream?"

"It better have been!" hissed Eddy.

"But it wasn't!" reasoned Double D. "After all, how did we all get here otherwise?"

Eddy considered this. "Dang it, he's right. Look, it's morning now, we're never coming back here again, so it doesn't matter. Let's go serve everyone breakfast and then charge 'em. I wonder what that thing following us was..."

As they lef, Johnny found Plank on the floor nearby. "Plank? There you are, buddy! You've been sleepwalking again, haven't you?"

* * *

THE SPECIALS THAT NEVER MADE IT

Two planned Halloween specials never made it for this series. One was called "This Is Halloween," which ironically didn't take place on that holiday. My early notes of the series say that the camp is mysteriously being haunted by something. Most likely, it would turn out to be the Kankers or Moe playing a trick, exposed by Ghostbusters Calvin and Hobbes. Afterwards, the kids would find a bunch of busts in the closet. Everyone leaves but Calvin. The busts come to life, and joined by the ghosts from the Haunted Mansion, would sing "Grim Grinning Ghosts." This would be followed by a scene with the Hitchhikers trying to get a ride home with Calvin (they were intended as a one-shot cameo in this, surprisingly!). Luigi and the Poltergust 3000 may have also showed up.

Then there was the Ghostmaster sequel. It is revealed in this that there IS indeed a little-known ritual out there that can bring back the evil Darkling. Unfortunately, Jason and Marcus's rival, Eugene, finds it and posts it on the Internet. The ghostmaster trio decides that the most logical solution to this is to go around destroying everyone's computers. Jason and Marcus quickly stop this and simply take the curse off the Internet, but not before three people find it and do sections of the curse. Thus, THREE Darklings, although slight weaker, show up. The heros also get super powers from the good ghosts. Double D thinks about being stronger and becomes a muscle man. Eddy thinks about money, on the other hand, and turns into a dollar bill blowing in the wind. Hobbes is the only normal one, who runs around trying to keep peace. Once again, the Darkling is gone. This was rejected because it lacked the dark atmosphere of the first one.

* * *

Finally, here's a deleted scene that was cut for a good reason...

Edd: Really, Eddy, we could just have fun!

Eddy: Fun? Who cares about that?

(Sung to the tune of "Forget About Love" from _Return of Jafar_)

Eddy: **_Forget about our scams_**

_**Forget about the way we'd always plot and plan**_

_**Forget about candy**_

_**Forget about the stuff we never got to see**_

_**All of our stuff keeps failing**_

_**We crawl**_

_**We fall**_

_**With our arms flailing**_

_**And we never get it done**_

_**Just forget about fun**_

_**Forget about hotels**_

_**You never did like them, it's real easy to tell**_

_**We should give in right now**_

_**My hopes and dreams have all been run down by a plow**_

_**We never had fun this way**_

_**It's just annoying, that's what I say**_

_**And don't act so stunned**_

_**Just forget about fun**_

Edd: **_I had almost forgotten the way it felt_**

_**When things actually went right**_

_**I'd get so excited**_

Eddy: **_They were all blighted_**

Edd: **_Our first jawbreakers_**

Eddy: **_We're just losers!_**

_**Forget about that stuff**_

Edd: **_I can't forget about that stuff_**

Eddy: **_It just shows that we're all weak, not tough_**

Edd: **_Spirit-wise, we're tough_**

Eddy: **_We're out here on our own_**

_**It's just hard to get cash when we're all alone**_

Edd: **_Hmm-mm-mm-mm_**

Edd and Eddy: **_Fun always gets you active_**

Eddy: **_We'll always lose girls, who're attractive_**

Edd: **_A cozy little scam_**

Eddy: **_Oh, please!_**

Ed: **_I like to eat ham_**

Eddy: **_Oh, geez!_**

Edd: **_Eddy, you do stun_**

Edd and Eddy: **_(I can't) (Just) forget about fun!_**

Eddy: Aww...maybe you're right...

_**I can't forget about that leap**_

Ed: **_I can't forget about that leap_**

Eddy: **_And how it felt_**

_**To get stuff from Kevin, that creep**_

Edd: **_Please, now, Eddy..._**

Eddy: **_Whatever we may do_**

Edd: **_Whatever we may do_**

Eddy:**_ I know that someday_**

_**We'll finally come through**_

Ed: **_Buttered toast_**

All Three: **_We'll think, we'll be creative_**

_**Our scams will all be innovative**_

Edd: **_Something that's really cool_**

Ed: **_I'm there!_**

Edd: **_Though we may break some rules_**

Eddy: **_Who cares?_**

_**You're right, thanks a ton**_

All Three: **_We can't forget about fun_**


	19. The Volley Ball of Terror

One day at camp, Jason and Marcus were hard at work in a closet on a science project. "I hate this camp's lack of a good lab!" complained Jason.

"So what's on the list today?" asked Marcus.

Jason rummaged through a pile of junk in the corner. "We're attempting to bring a...volley ball...to life."

"Who's idea was that, again?"

"Get out the wires!" cried Jason, ignoring Marcus. They both hooked up a bunch of electrical equipment to a volleyball. "Alright...POWER!"

Volts were zapped through the ball, which promptly exploded in a shower of rubber.

"Well," said Marcus, after a long pause, "at least the explosion was cool."

Jason sighed. "Let's go back to teaching Quincy how to fly..."

They both left the room. The scraps of rubber that littered the floor shook and then reformed into the ball, inflating itself. It laughed. "Hee hee...Volley Ball of Terror, VOLLEY BALL OF TERROR!"

The ball bounced down the hall, still laughing, coming to a stop in front of Calvin and Hobbes. It went limp and lifeless.

"Hey, a volley ball..." began Calvin, when the ball suddenly jumped up and smacked Hobbes in the face.

"Hey, that actually hurt!" cried the bewildered tiger.

Calvin stared at the ball in shock. "Is that ball alive? I think I heard it laugh!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "Who ever heard of a talking toy?" In response, the ball jumped up again, hitting Hobbes in the face once more.

"VOLLEY BALL OF TERROR!" squealed the ball. It turned to Calvin and chased him down the hall.

"I've been stalked by bullies, monster reptiles, my own tiger," panted Calvin. "...but a volley ball? That's just stupid." The ball suddenly came down on Calvin's head. "Never mind! He's an intimidating villain!" He ran into a racquetball court. The ball followed.

"Bad choice of rooms, kid..." grinned the ball.

Calvin backed up. "Okay, the volley ball's talking to me," he whispered to himself. "I'll just smile and nod..."

"You see," continued the ball, "I'm energetic, bouncy, and deranged. Nice combo, right?"

"Continue to smile and nod..."

"And seeing as this room is perfect for a ball that's energetic, bouncy, and deranged, I think it's time for some fun!" The ball sprang for him.

"Smile and nod one more time...THEN RUN!" Calvin bolted for the door, but the Volley Ball bounced into it and shut it. He bounced off and around the room, continuously smashing into Calvin.

"Ow!" cried Calvin. "What's the point of this?!"

"There isn't one!" The Volley Ball hopped all the way up to the ceiling, then came down hard on Calvin, sending him flying into the lone basketball hoop in the middle. It laughed maniacally. "Never thought a ball would get a basket!"

"Oh, come on!" cried Calvin. "I don't even know who you are!"

"No one does yet. But I assure you that they all will soon..."

(To the tune of "Poor Unfortunate Souls" from _The_ _Little Mermaid_)

Volley Ball: **_Those two boys thought that they'd made another failure_**

_**They threw me away simply unaware that I**_

_**Was more than I appeared**_

_**Had potential to be feared**_

_**This volley ball can really terrify**_

_**Oh yeah**_

_**I'm much more intimidating than I appear**_

_**For inflated rubber, I'm pretty darn strong**_

_**A few smacks in the head**_

_**Could leave a strong man dead**_

_**And I'm preparing now to just hop along**_

_**I will...**_

_**Destroy all that's in my path**_

_**I love their pain**_

_**Could a ball conquer the world?**_

_**I bet that I could fast**_

_**Yet at the same time**_

_**Entertain**_

_**I'll destroy all that's in my path**_

_**My dream, my goal**_

_**World domination's one thing**_

_**But it's more fun if it's my way**_

_**This ball is really**_

_**On a roll**_

_**Do I feel emotion for children?**_

_**For women and elderly?**_

_**No, of course not, everyone will feel my wrath**_

_**Yes when it comes down to me**_

_**Why, I feel no sympathy**_

_**And I'll destroy all that's in my path!**_

Jason, Marcus, and Hobbes were standing in the doorway, staring.

"Couldn't you guys have come here earlier?!" called Calvin.

"Well," shrugged Marcus, "we got here when he started to sing and we wanted to hear it."

The ball blushed. "Aww, the guys who gave me life. I think I'll kill them first." It jumped for them, but they opened the door and he flew out. They closed and locked it.

"I'll get you later!" It called inside. "I have a whole world to attack!"

"What the heck was that?!" cried Jason.

The kids heard its song echoing into the distance. "Volley Ball of Terror, Volley Ball of Terror..."

"He calls himself the Volley Ball of Terror," remarked Calvin.

"No, really?" Hobbes said sarcastically.

Calvin put on a newspaper hat. "I call a GROSS meeting!"

"About how we can save humanity?" glared Hobbes.

"No," replied Calvin, "about how we can use that ball to attack girls we hate!"

Jason stared. "So...every girl?"

"Exactly!" cried Calvin.

"He's probably off attacking them right now," said Marcus.

"Aww," whined Calvin, "but it's no fun when we have nothing to do with it..."

"That's why we have to stop it!" cried Jason.

Hobbes sighed. "I figured we'd naturally set out to stop it, not just because of the whole girl thing."

"That's your problem, Hobbes," laughed Calvin. "You figure too much and constantly forget our character descriptions."

"Well, we can't stay here forever," reasoned Marcus. "This scene is starting to drag. Let's go and stop that rampaging ball!"

"Right," agreed Jason. "How scary is a volley ball, anyway?"

They walked out of the raquetball court and nervously looked around. Johnny was standing by them. "Hi, guys!"

They all screamed and jumped in shock. "Don't do that!" panted Calvin.

"Okay, forget about Johnny!" said Jason. "We've got a horrific ball to find!"

"You mean Plank's new friend?" grinned Johnny.

Marcus just looked towards the sky. "Of course he's friends with the wood..."

"He went that way," said Johnny.

Calvin, Hobbes, Jason, and Marcus ran down the hall and came to the receptionists' desk. Everything was scattered around.

"Looks like a struggle," said Hobbes.

"And where's the receptionist?" wondered Calvin.

"Looks like the ball's been here," said Jason.

They heard several people scream and some crashes coming from further down.

"That came from the weight room!" cried Hobbes. "He's been there, too!"

They heard some girls scream next.

"And those were the cheerleaders!" realized Marcus. "Man, he's fast..." They ran down to the main room and peeked in the gym.

"Are they okay?" whispered Calvin, looking at the sprawled girls.

Hobbes nodded. "They look hurt, but I think they're going to be fine."

"So if he's struck at all these places," said Jason, "where's he going next?"

Calvin thought. "Let's see...if I was a demented volley ball, what would I do?" After a brief moment, he smacked Hobbes. "Yeah, I'd totally do that." Hobbes growled and pounced on him.

"Wait a second!" said Marcus. "He'd go after the other kids!"

"I think they're in the other gym!" said Jason. "Let's go!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The kids were all playing dodge ball. Jason, Marcus, Calvin, and Hobbes ran onto the field. "Guys!" announced Calvin. "There's a killer volley ball on the loose!" The four were immediately bombarded with balls. "We're serious!" defended Calvin.

"Get off the field and go jail where you belong!" yelled Kevin.

"We'll handle this..." said Lee Kanker calmly. The Kankers sprang on the boys.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few minutes later, the four boys were sitting tied up on the sidelines. The Eds were sitting next to them, tied in a similar fashion.

"Did you guys try to warn everyone, too?" asked Jason.

"No," sighed Double D, "the Kankers just felt like grabbing us."

Marcus turned towards the field and noticed a certain bully about to throw a certain ball. "Hey...is Moe holding...?"

"He is!" cried Hobbes.

Yep, Moe was about to throw the Volley Ball of Terror.

"MOE! DON'T THROW..." Calvin started to yell, before pausing. "Wait a second, I never liked him."

Moe threw the ball, which came to life in midair and flew around, hitting everyone on the other team. Moe's team cheered, thinking it was just the world's best throw.

Charlie Brown jumped around victoriously. "We won! We really won! This never happens to me, but it did! We..." He was cut off when the ball came back the other way and hit him and all the other kids. Soon everyone was lying unconscious on the field.

"I've never felt so alive!" cried the ball. "Mostly 'cause I've only been alive for, like, ten minutes, but still..."

_**Look at me now, I've won the game for myself**_

_**This campus I will crumble in a day**_

_**The feeling is very sweet when they fall off of their feet**_

_**But now that they're all down, I'm on my way**_

_**And yet they're still unaware of all of my powers**_

_**They could just shrug off this when they all come to**_

_**But they'll all be scared indeed**_

_**When I come back in the lead**_

_**Sweet sleeping kids, I'm coming to get you**_

_**Cause I'll destroy all that's in my path**_

_**Be afraid**_

_**You're all fools**_

_**Whether you're eating your snacks or going for a walk**_

_**I'll stalk you here or**_

_**At the pool**_

_**Destroy all that's in my path**_

_**I just can't wait**_

_**If you think that you can defeat me**_

_**That'll just make me laugh**_

_**I've already inflicted lots of pain**_

_**On cheerleaders and staff**_

_**The whole world lies ahead and I**_

_**Don't wanna do that math**_

_**Destroy all that's in my path!**_

Eddy stared. "Is that a singing volley ball?"

"Way cool!" cheered Ed.

"Very sorry," said Double D, "but may we sit this little adventure out? Just this once?" They looked up to see the Volley Ball bouncing into the distance.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The kids woke up later and didn't quite know what happened. They shrugged the whole attack off as "one of those things" and headed off for the pool. However, on the walk there, Jason spent the whole time nervously looking around for the ball. "Do you think he's gone?"

"His song made it sound like he would be," said Marcus, "but we've gotta arm ourselves!"

"Arm ourselves?" repeated Calvin. "All I have is a cooler full of ice balls! HEY SUSIE!" Calvin threw some at her.

"OW! Calvin!"

"Get rid of slimy girls!" cheered Calvin, before being chased away.

"I could bite it!" suggested Ed.

Eddy grabbed him and stomped away. "Hey! We already decided that we wouldn't get involved!"

"Besides," added Double D, "the plots of these episodes have become ridiculous."

"AAAAAHHHH!" screamed Jason. "IT'S BEHIND YOU!" Everyone turned around, to see nothing. "Got you!" grinned Jason. "It may be ridiculous, but it's still a threat, and I say that we can't let ourselves be pushed around by a ball of air!"

"Yeah," agreed Marcus, as they entered the locker room, "especially not one we created."

Jason nodded. "Swimsuit up."

A few seconds later, Jason and Marcus walked out to the pool, both wearing sunglasses and armed with harpoons. Calvin zipped over. "Can I borrow one? HEY, SUSIE!"

Without a word, Marcus kicked Calvin into the pool. "We're serious. That ball is in here somewhere."

Floating amongst the large mass of pool toys, indeed, was a volley ball. He ducked underwater as Jason and Marcus walked by.

"Keep scanning, Marcus," instructed Jason. "Keep scanning..."

Once they left, the ball surfaced again. "Ooh, harpoons. I'm soooooo scared. Let's find a target, shall we?" The ball scanned the pool and saw Jimmy in the shallow end. "This is freaking perfect." Grinning, the ball submerged and rose under Jimmy, floating towards the deep end.

"Help!" squealed Jimmy. "I can't swim!" He tried to get off before discovering that he was already in deep water. Jason and Marcus saw this and bounded towards the ball.

"ATTACK THE VILLAIN!" Jason and Marcus shot their harpoons at the ball, only to miss and snag Jimmy's swimsuit instead, sending him flying safely out of the pool. The Volley Ball of Terror "beep beeped" like Roadrunner and swam for it.

Under the water, everything was a fantasy ocean, as it was being seen from Calvin's point of view. "Aqua Hobbes!" cried Aqua Calvin in his submarine. "Status report!"

Hobbes checked the radar. "Jason and Marcus missed. Our target is escaping!"

"Fire torpedoes!" announced Calvin.

"We're out of them!"

"Then we'll have to use the next best thing..." Calvin launched himself. "PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MAKER!" Calvin splashed above surface (and also into reality) and missed, landing on Jason and Marcus. "Hey, I actually met his makers!"

Marcus fired more harpoons, but each one missed and flew to the wrong place entirely.

"Watch it!" complained Eddy as one barley missed his head. "We're trying to stay outta the plot, remember?"

"What in the world is going on out there?!" cried Lucy. One harpoon hit a ceiling light, which fell into the pool, causing mass panic. "Get those blockheads!"

A mob of kids sprang out of the pool and chased Jason and Marcus. Even the Eds were there. "Why are we joining them?" asked Double D. "We knew that they were only trying to help."

"Yeah," shrugged Eddy, "but I've never actually BEEN in a mob before...and it feels good!"

"Kill the beast! Kill the beast!" chanted Ed.

In all the confusion, the Volley Ball of Terror slipped into the locker room and made a break for it. "That was great! And all I did was nudge a kid to some water!"

Calvin and Hobbes jumped out, with a harpoon. "Surprise! The last harpoon left!" Calvin fired at the ball, missing it entirely.

"I knew I should have shot it," sighed Hobbes. "Hey, wait a second...I still have my claws!" The Volley Ball gulped and quickly bounced out the door, with Hobbes in hot pursuit. "Get back here! Don't tell me you're afraid!"

"I'm not afraid!" the ball shot back, bounding out the door and into the road. However, he didn't notice some broken glass sitting there until he landed on it...and promptly deflated, flying away. "AAAAAHHHHH!" cried the ball in anguish. "CURSE YOU!"

Calvin and Hobbes turned to each other and smiled. It was a smile of accomplishment. They'd actually won! The ball was gone...well, for now, at least. Just then, the mob of kids ran by, still chasing Jason and Marcus.

"Wanna join them?" asked Calvin.

"Why not?" shrugged Hobbes.

And so, as Calvin and Hobbes joined the chase, another typical day had ended.

* * *

Yes, I realize how stupid the idea of an evil Volley Ball is. I came up with the idea when I was actually going to the camp this is based on, which was a while ago. Oh, well. Well, maybe the next story, "Bringing Down the Mouse," will be better. 


	20. Bringing Down the Mouse

Here's Bringing Down the Mouse, as began by Insane Guy of DOOM.

* * *

Jimmy was playing tag in a large room of the camp with Sarah, Linus, and Snoopy. He was in complete bliss until it happened…… A mouse scurried past our retainer-wearing friend. "AAAAAHHH! SARAH!"

"What is it Jimmy? Did that mean old Moe throw you out the window again?"

Jimmy shook his head. "That was yesterday. But Sarah, THERE'S A MOUSE IN THE CAMP!"

Everyone screamed in horror. Lucy ran into the wall.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Calvin, Ed, Double D, Eddy, Jason, and Marcus were holding a GROSS meeting.

"So it's settled," said Calvin. "Susie is the ugliest girl to ever ruin the face of this Earth."

"Remind me why we're here," whispered Eddy.

"Hobbes had an unfortunate run in with the Kankers yesterday during a game of keep away, so we are the only friends Calvin has while Hobbes is recuperating."

"Friends help build strong bones and teeth," grinned Ed.

"Hey," said Jason, "I hear screaming."

"It must be the call of a banshee from the land of mutant lawn flamingos to warn us of impending doom!" cried Ed. "Just like in the movie 'Nightmare on Dutch Avenue'!"

At that moment, Jimmy stumbled into the room, with his shirt torn up. "There's a mouse in camp!" he reported before fainting.

"Did he attack you or something?" asked Marcus.

"No, I fell down a few times."

"A mouse, huh?" said Jason. "We can't let him wander around here! Someone might step on him! We've gotta save the little guy! We'll be mouse avengers!"

Eddy grinned, sensing a scam possibility. "Sounds like you need this pest taken care of."

"I certainly do!" nodded Jimmy.

"Then say no more! Pay up and I can get rid of that mouse!" The Eds put their old Hive/Snake/ bee gone outfits, with Snakes crossed out with "Mice Bee Gone". "That rat won't know what hit it!"

"What hit it?" asked Ed. "Tell me!"

"Wait a second..." Calvin did the math in his head. "Mouse + Susie Screams! That rodent is mine!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eddy walked through the halls. "Okay, Ed, if you find the mouse, give him to me!"

"Got it, Eddy."

The mouse scampered by. Eddy grabbed it. "That was easy."

Ed randomly took the mouse away. "What did you do that for?" cried Eddy.

"I found it, and I am giving it to you!"

"GIVE IT BACK!" Eddy jumped on Ed, who dropped the mouse.

Double D rolled his eyes. "How amusing. I have taken the liberty of setting up some harmless traps. Also, I've brought out my recently invented jet pack, to aid us in scanning the camp."

"Jet pack?" Eddy's eyes lit up. "That's what I'm talking about! Let me try this thing!" Eddy flew off.

"Be careful with that!" called Double D. In reply Eddy flew by a vending machine, knocking it over on Double D.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Jason, Marcus, and Calvin were sneaking through the halls, on the lookout. "I've come up with a great idea," said Calvin, "and if you don't mind me saying so, it's genius. Let's use the mouse to scare Susie!"

"We have to find the mouse first," reminded Marcus.

They passed Kevin, who stepped on a button. A giant plastic bubble formed around him. "What the heck is this?!"

Jason laughed. "Of all the times I don't bring a camera..."

Double D scampered over. "My apologies, Kevin! This trap was meant for the camp's mouse invader!"

Eddy flew by and grabbed the bubble. "I'm here to exterminate all pests, not just mice!" Eddy flew outside and threw Kevin into the road.

"DORK!"

"I am loving this jet pack," Eddy sighed happily.

Double D stood by Eddy's side and watched Kevin bounce away. "Well, there goes that trap. I certainly hope the others are better."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jason, meanwhile, was dressed as a giant mouse.

"You'd fit right in at Chuck E. Cheese," remarked Calvin. "That oversized rat always terrified me."

"Well, I'm dressed like this so I can trap the mouse!" explained Jason.

"Yeah," nodded Marcus, "the costume will lure it here!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Eddy was on a treadmill (that had been turned off) in the nearby weight room. "Here's the plan. When the mouse crawls by, Ed turns on the treadmill at high speed and I fly for the mouse!"

"Rather ingenious, Eddy," said Double D, "I must admit."

"Ready to launch, captain!" saluted Ed.

Jason, dressed as the mouse, crawled by. Eddy saw him. "Oh, come on! That's the stupidest..."

"FIRE!" cried Ed. Eddy was launched at Jason.

"Didn't we all see that coming?" sighed Double D.

"You idiot!" snapped Eddy.

"Me or him?" asked Jason.

"Both of you! I've gotta set more traps!" Eddy put on his jetpack and started to fly when a giant flyswatter randomly hit him.

"Sorry, Eddy," called Johnny, "that was for the mouse."

"You guys are out to catch it, too?" asked Marcus.

"Sure! Everyone is!"

"Everyone?" repeated Calvin. Indeed, there were mousetraps everywhere.

Calvin ran over to one. "What is this? A box with a stick? Come on, that's the most repugnant trap ever! No mouse would be dumb enough to walk under it like this, or accidently knock the stick away like this, or..." The box came down on Calvin. "That doesn't count!"

"Crude as some of these traps may be," said Double D, "we really should get the mouse ourselves before it gets hurt."

Jason, Marcus, and Calvin agreed and retreated to the main room. Calvin starting drawing a picture of the mouse.

"To capture this thing," said Jason, "we must analyze its body structure first."

Marcus looked at Calvin's drawing. "Why are you giving it extra legs?"

"Everyone could frankly use another set," defended Calvin, "and iguanas are no exception."

Eddy was outside in the hall, listening to them. "I'm so sick of that stupid mouse! It's him or me! MOUSE, HERE I COME!"

(To the tune of "I Wanna Be a Boy" from _Teacher's Pet_)

Eddy: **_Since that mouse came into camp_**

**_I hear kids' screams_**  
Jason: **_Not as bad as it seems_**

Eddy: **_Jimmy hired me to cleanse these halls_**

_**Wipe the place clean, it's not that mean**_

_**And better yet, it's a good pay **_

Double D: **_Honest work is good, that's my say_**

Eddy: **_With one swipe the mouse won't bother the campers_**

Marcus:**_ But his absence will be a damper!_**

Jason, Marcus, and Calvin: **_We're gonna save the mouse_**

Kids: **_The thing is scurrying in a hurry_**

Jason, Marcus and Calvin: **_Gotta save that mouse_**

Eddy:**_ I'll stop it in its' tracks really soon_**

Lucy: **_It's so gross_**

Snoopy:**_ I feel sympathetic_**

Calvin: **_Yeah, and..._**

Eddy: **_You're all so pathetic!_**

Double D: **_Eddy, I agree we should leave the mouse alone_**

Eddy: **_Ask if I care, 'cause you're on your own!_**

Double D:**_ I only want some peace_**

Calvin: **_You're at the wrong camp, then_**

Ed: **_I have a cramped pen_**

Jason and Marcus:**_ Gonna save a mouse_**

_**It's just a rodent, nothing more**_

(Calvin: **_Good for scaring girls_**)

Eddy: **_Here's one strong mouse trap_**

_**It really can snap**_

Jimmy: **_Please don't hurt the mouse_**

Eddy: **_When I'm done with this thing, it will be crushed!_**

Jimmy: **_Oh no, if what he says is true_**

_**Then, dear mouse, I must apologize to you**_

_**He's scary, but a living thing**_

_**And all those traps could really sting**_

_**Well, before he's stomped down thin**_

_**I'll help him out, so count me in!**_

Jason: Finally! You're speaking our language now!

Jason, Marcus, Calvin, Ed, Double D, and Jimmy: **_We're gonna save the mouse_**

Eddy: **_I'll get him before you_**

Marcus: **_We'll just ignore you_**

Kids: **_We're gonna trap a mouse_**

Eddy: **_So bait the traps_**

Calvin: **_Please wait those traps_**

Kevin: **_This thing's a dork_**

Lucy: **_Stab it with forks_**

Calvin: **_We'll find it soon_**

Eddy: **_I'll grind it soon_**

Double D: **_I think I'll leave_**

Jimmy:**_ Don't want to greave_**

Jason: **_It's somewhere near_**

Marcus: **_That somewhere's here_**

Rolf: **_Rolf craves to shear_**

All: **_That mouse!!!_**

At the end of the song, Eddy grabbed Double D, Ed, and Jimmy and tied them to a column in the hall using Jimmy's retainer. "I'm not letting you guys stop me!"

"Hope shines through!" argued Ed.

"That's right," nodded Double D. "You didn't capture all of us." Jason, Marcus, and Calvin were scampering towards the main room.

"Doesn't matter," shrugged Eddy. "All the kids want to crush that mouse, and those three aren't about to change their minds."

"And if they do?" asked Jimmy.

"I've got it all covered." Eddy strapped the jetpack back on and flew out the door.

Jimmy sighed. "I don't think I want to pay him anymore."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the main room, Moe was passing out giant boots. "These things are perfect for squashing critters. And little kids."

Linus shook his head. "I refuse to partake in this barbaric ritual!"

"I thought you would say that," smiled Lucy, "so I've taken the liberty of climbing a ladder and nailing a single nail up on the wall."

"Why did you do that?"

Lucy simply tossed Linus's blanket up, and it got caught on the nail.

Linus fell to his knees. "AAAAUUUUUUGGGHHH!!! Where's the ladder?!"

"I hid it. Maybe if you were to help us track down this mouse, I might..."

"You're a horrible person!" Linus jumped for the blanket, but he couldn't reach it. He stacked up several chairs, but they all toppled over on him. He ended up quivering on the floor.

"I don't think he'll be much help," said Schroder.

Lucy smiled again. "This is fun enough."

Charlie Brown's boots, meanwhile, were way too big for him. Snoopy poked him once and he fell over. "You might want to count me out as well."

Rolf approached Lucy. "Excuse me, she-who-calls-heads-blocks, but Rolf has an announcement to make!"

"What?"

Rolf opened a closet to reveal a giant mousetrap. "In the old country, the rats were as big as a cow! When Rolf came to America, he brought this along, just in case."

"Look at the size of it, Plank!" marveled Johnny.

"Let's bring that mouse back alive and put it on this!" cried Kevin.

"That's so gross," said Nazz.

Calvin ran in, followed by Jason and Marcus. "Stop! You can't do this to a little mouse! What did he ever do to you?"

"You let one mouse in, and more will come!" argued Lucy. "Soon we'll have more mice than kids!"

"Doesn't bother me much," shrugged Jason.

"That's the wrong approach," hissed Marcus. He turned to the kids. "Don't you see? Haven't we all been beaten up by people just because they're bigger than us?"

"Nope," said Kevin.

"Never," said Moe.

"Come on!" persisted Calvin. "SOMETHING must have inspired you guys to be bullies!"

"Well, maybe," admitted Kevin quickly.

"See?" said Marcus. "If we want the mouse out of here, we'll just toss it into the woods or something. We don't want our good names being tarnished."

"Besides," added Jason, "as cool as putting it in that trap would be, it's gonna stain something."

Snoopy rushed up and hugged Calvin. "Finally, a friend to the animals!"

"I guess they're right," grumbled Kevin. "Let's just look for the mouse and let it go."

Everyone agreed when suddenly a mousetrap slid across the floor into the middle of the room. Everyone looked up to see Eddy hovering outside on the jetpack with a sack full of mousetraps. "I'm back! With presents!" Eddy threw many more mousetraps into the room, eventually covering the whole floor. Everyone jumped onto the tables to avoid stepping on the traps. "Careful, they're real sensitive."

"Where the heck did you get all of these?" cried Calvin."

"There was a bargain at the hardware store! Something about missing fingers. They had to get rid of these real fast! Well, gotta go. There's a lot of ground to cover!" Eddy flew down the hall, leaving a trail of mousetraps behind him.

"Makes me wonder why we're still friends with him in some episodes," said Marcus.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Out in the hall, Ed, Jimmy, and Double D, who were surrounded by mousetraps, were trying to stay as still as possible.

"Gentlemen, please do not move an inch!" whispered Double D. "Anything could set these mousetraps off!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, everyone is struggling not to fall off the tables and set off the mouse traps. Linus was standing on the edge of a table trying to reach his blanket, which was still hanging on the wall.

"If Hobbes was here," paced Calvin in his very small space, "he'd know what to do! Actually, he'd probably say something about us resorting to cannibalism."

"Well, that IS something to do," admitted Jason.

Marcus looked up. "What's Linus doing?"

Everyone turned to see Linus making a jump for his blanket...over the floor full of mousetraps. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" they shouted.

Linus managed to reach the blanket and catch it. He dangled in midair, suspended only by the nail in the wall. Everyone gave a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, the nail had not been hammered in well, and it quickly popped out. Linus landed on the mousetraps, setting them all off at once in a large wave. The table the kids were on was flipped over, and they all landed in the mess of snapping traps.

The wave moved into the hall where Ed, Double D, and Jimmy were still working on freeing themselves. Double D managed to unhook the retainer from the column...just as the traps snapped on them.

Meanwhile, Eddy was flying along the track in one of the gyms, and had scattered mousetraps all around. "Ha! Let's see the vermin escape this one!" Suddenly, he heard a loud snapping coming from behind. He whirled around to see the wave of moustraps approaching fast. Not only that, but it had split into TWO separate waves, approaching from both sides!

"Uh-oh. Better rocket outta here!" However, the jetpack didn't do anything. "Out of fuel? Dang." Eddy fell to the wave of traps below.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

About five minutes later, the kids had all come to, to find the room was filled with snapped traps. They all had about ten mousetraps sticking to them each, but all in all were okay.

"In the mouse's defense," said Calvin, "this was Eddy."

Ed, Double D, and Jimmy trudged in, also covered in traps. "Another strike for animal rights, I suppose," sighed Double D.

Calvin grabbed a mousetrap and snapped it on Susie's nose. "Take that! I win!"

Susie's response was to simply snap several more mousetraps on Calvin, which didn't bother him much. "It was worth it."

Linus crawled over with his blanket. "What did I miss?"

"Hey," wondered Marcus, "where IS Eddy, anyway?"

Everyone walked into the gym to find Eddy lying in a daze. Indeed, while most of the others only had about ten mousetraps on them, Eddy was covered in nearly thirty. He woke up just as the mob of kids grabbed him and marched away. "Hey! You're not still mad about this, are you?"

A loud SNAP was heard. Jason, Marcus, and Calvin lingered behind. "As great as tormenting others is," sighed Calvin, "I sure hope that mouse got out okay."

Just then, who should crawl out of a nearby corner, but the mouse! It was the only place that wasn't touched by mousetraps! The trio cheered.

To everyone's surprise, Roy Koopa walked over. "THERE'S my mouse! I was looking everywhere for this!"

"Let me get this straight," said Marcus. "This was a Mushroom Kingdom mouse?"

"Yeah, and I really missed this thing." Roy then ate the mouse. "They taste great." Calvin, Jason, and Marcus glared.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hobbes walked into camp near the end of the day. Calvin ran over. "Hobbes! You're all better!"

"Yep, your mom fixed me and dropped me off. What did I miss?"

"Let me show you." Calvin took Hobbes to a closet and opened it to reveal...

"Eddy and Roy in a giant mousetrap?" said Hobbes. "Seen it." He closed the door.

"You know," said Roy between struggles, "when we get outta here, I'm totally gonna kill you."

"I know," sighed Eddy. "I know."

* * *

A few scenes were scrapped from this, including a subplot about Quincy wanting to eat the mouse. Also, before "I Wanna Be a Boy," the song was going to be set to _Pocahontas_'s "Savages". I only wrote the first verse: 

Eddy: Gotta hunt it down

Arm yourself with traps now

A vermin's on the loose out in these halls

The mouse's nibbley jaws

His dirty little paws

It won't get away, it will fall

And crawls

All: So get the mouse! Get the mouse!

Eddy: Hunt it down and trap it

All: Get the mouse! Get the mouse!Eddy: Get rid of it fast

Though some might think it's cute

It's gonna get the boot

Cause we will kick it out at last

All: Now get the mouse! Get the mouse!

Somewhere it is hiding

We will kick it out at last!


	21. Jason Fox the Musical!

Here's a musical episode, and a very lose parody of _Oliver_.

* * *

Unlike most stories, which begin at morning at camp, this story begins near the end of the day. Everyone was waiting outside the pool building for Ed, who had somehow gotten caught in the shower. Eddy and Double D had gone in to help him.

"I say we leave without them," announced Calvin.

Kevin shook his head. "You heard the counselors. They said to stick together."

"We NEVER stick together!" Calvin pointed out.

"The kid's right. Let's go." They all started to leave, when some dust appeared on the horizon.

"It's the Gator!" cried Nazz.

The Gator was the counselor's jeep-like car that they drove. Unlike other jeeps, it was smaller and could ride on any terrain. It stopped a few feet away from the kids, who ran back to the pool. Kevin approached it. The kids could hear him talking: "Yeah, of COURSE we're staying together! It's just that one of the dorks went and..."

A few minutes later, the counselors were inside helping Ed.

"Well," said Hobbes, "we'll have to entertain ourselves. I wish we'd brought something."

"We could always tell stories," suggested Linus.

Snoopy jumped onto a bench. "I've got one! It was a dark and stormy night..."

"I think I have a good story," said Jason, "and it's one that Calvin and Hobbes haven't heard. It's of how me and Marcus first came to camp."

Hobbes was excited. "Really? Is it good?"

"Of course it's good!" Jason began to narrate. "A long time ago in a galaxy far away..."

"Maybe I should tell it," interrupt Marcus. "You'd probably put Darth Vader in."

"Baby, I'd BE Darth Vader."

Marcus started to narrate for real. "It all started one morning at Jason's house. We had gotten over post school depression, and were delighting in pulling some great pranks."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A long flashback began. Jason and Marcus were indeed pulling pranks by throwing water balloons at people.

(To the tune of "Food, Glorious Food")

Both: **_Pranks, glorious pranks_**

_**Hot days when the school's out**_

_**We're the one to thank**_

_**We throw all the rules out**_

Jason: **_Water balloons we have thrown_**

Marcus:**_ Stink bombs that have stank_**

Both:**_ Oh, pranks_**

Jason: **_Wonderful pranks_**

Marcus: **_Marvelous pranks_**

Both: **_Glorious pranks!_**

"_Unfortunately_," narrated Marcus, "_Jason's siblings, Peter and Paige, complained to our parents. See, the last summer we'd been to a math camp, Camp Bohrmore, which was full this year. So that meant that we'd have to find another camp, which turned out to be nearby. Peter and Paige even took the liberty of driving us there..._"

Jason and Marcus found themselves tied up and thrown into the car's backseat.

(To the tune of "Oliver")

Peter and Paige: **_Jason Fox, Jason Fox_**

Paige: **_We've had enough of your summer prank stuff_**

Peter and Paige: **_Marcus Jones, Marcus Jones_**  
Peter: **_Here's what we'll do with the stupid kids, too_**

Paige: **_There's another camp that_**

**_We've signed you up for, to keep you there_**  
Peter: **_While we sit and lounge_**

Peter and Paige: **_You're somebody else's problem_**

Jason and Marcus: **_Hey, that isn't fair_**

Peter and Paige: **_Jason Fox, Marcus Jones_**

Paige: **_And finally we will both be happy_**

Peter:**_ And that's because_**

_**We have just dumped off**_

Peter and Page: **_Jason Fox!  
_**The car stopped outside the Rec Center and the boys were thrown in, still tied up.

"Geez," said Jason, "when they forcibly drag me places, they usually untie me when we get there."

"Well, their guest star bit is over now," Marcus pointed out. He and Jason managed to untie themselves.

Jason looked around. "So this is the place, we have to come everyday? I bet it doesn't even have Internet access! A Rec Center is no place for respectable nerds like us!"

"Yeah," agreed Marcus, "and the TV won't even change. It's stuck on 'Full House' reruns. Abandon hope all ye who enter here..."

Double D walked out. "Well, at least someone else can quote good literature! But it's really not all that bad here. And I, as much I detest the phrase, am a nerd as well."

"Great!" said Marcus. "Do we have any other smart guys around here?"

"Well, aside from young Linus...not really. We have a rather odd dog, however."

"He'd better not eat Quincy!" cried Jason.

"Quincy?

"My iguana. I snuck him here."

"Better not let the counselors see," warned Double D. "They have a no animal policy."

"Then why do we have a dog here?" asked Marcus.

"They seem to think he's a 'funny-looking kid with a big nose.'" explained Double D. Jason and Marcus just stared. Double D laughed. "I know it sounds strange now, but I assure you, it will all make sense soon! Here, I'll take you to see Eddy. He's holding a meeting for select kids, and I'm sure you'll be welcomed!"

_**Consider yourself at home.**_

_**Consider yourself one of the family**_

_**We've taken to you so strong**_

_**It's clear we're going to get along**_

_**Consider yourself well in**_

_**Consider yourself par to the furniture**_

_**There isn't a lot to spare**_

_**Who cares?**_

_**What ever we've got we share!**_

_**Consider yourself our mate**_

_**We don't want to have no fuss**_

_**For after some consideration, we can state**_

_**Consider yourself**_

**_One of us!  
_**Double D took them to a closet where Eddy had gathered most of the kids in camp. "How are all these 'select kids'?" asked Marcus.

"Hmm, it does seem like a lot," admitted Double D. "But I'm sure that's just us being in a small room that's causing an optical illusion."

Eddy spied Jason and Marcus. "Hey, who are the newcomers?"

"These are..." began Double D, until he realized he didn't know who they were. Embarrassed, he turned to the boys. "What are your names?"

Jason and Marcus introduced themselves.

"Well, I'm Eddy, the boss around here!"

"Hey!" called Kevin. "I'm the boss!"

"Then why are you at MY meeting?" snapped Eddy.

Kevin sat down. Eddy smiled. "That's what I thought."

"Perhaps you should begin," whispered Double D.

Ed danced out, wearing mouse ears. "I'm the Edketeer! Go me!"

"Here's what we're doing," announced Eddy. "Usually, me, Double D, and Ed do scams ourselves, but some weird new guy here suggested that we recruit more people to help. That's all of you!"

(To the tune of "Pick a Pocket Or Two")

_**Now, listen boys, 'cause I know**_

_**What I need, and that's dough**_

'_**Cause the honest way won't get you pay**_

Ed: **_You've got to pick-a-pocket or two _**

Eddy: **_You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys,  
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two _**

Kids: **_Honest way won't get you pay_**

**_You've got to pick-a-pocket or two_**Ed (spoken): Am I a good Edketeer?

Eddy (spoken): Just don't screw this one up!

Eddy: **_Throw them all for a loop_**

_**Scams are best in a group**_

_**All of us win when cash comes in**_

Ed: **_Better to pick-a-pocket or two_**

Eddy: **_You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys _**

_**You've got to pick-a-pocket or two**_

Kids: **_Sounds good to us, and why not?_**

_**Better pick-a-pocket or two**_

Jason (spoken): Hey, this is my kind of place! It's great to rip people off!  
Double D: **_We're not bad as it seems_**

_**Lots of men have their dreams**_

Eddy: **_We are nice, but good advice_**

Ed: **_Is to go pick-a-pocket or two_**

Eddy: **_You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys _**

_**You've got to pick-a-pocket or two**_

Kids: **_We agree here with Eddy_**

**_He says to pick-a-pocket or two_**

Eddy: **_My brother taught me this stuff_**

_**Though the scamming life is rough**_

_**It only feels like we all steal**_

Ed: **_We sorta pick-a-pocket or two_**

Eddy: **_You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys _**

**_You've got to pick-a-pocket or two. _**  
Kids: **_Can't deny we sort of lie_**

All: **_We have to pick-a-pocket or two!_**

"Okay, perfect!" said Eddy. "You all get it. Now does everybody have a scam planned?"

"Yes," announced everyone but Jason and Marcus.

"Great! Now, get out there and scam!" Eddy hopped down to Jason and Marcus. "You two stay here and start planning."

"Hey, we'll have something done in a second!" assured Jason. "We do this kind of thing all the time."

"Something pigeons would like!" suggested Ed.

Double D stepped in. "Ahem. Not literally, of course. We can't wait to see what you think of!"

Eddy turned to the others. "And as for the rest of you...""

Double D: **_You can go, but be back soon_**

_**You can go, but just remember**_

_**That when you're out scamming**_

Ed: **_There's a guy here who sings_**

Eddy: **_Grab that cash and be back soon_**

_**Because you're a team member**_

_**So come back this afternoon**_

Eds: **_Be back soon_**

Kids: **_And when we're in the distance_**

_**We'll hear this**_

_**Whispered tune...**_

_**Have fun, don't forget**_

_**You will return yet**_

_**We'll be back soon **_

Eds: **_Have fun, don't forget_**

_**You will return yet**_

_**We'll be back soon**_

Everyone but Jason and Marcus marched out. Eddy was the last to leave and closed the door, which revealed a nerdy-looking boy (yes, even worse than Jason) hiding behind it. "Hello, boys."

"_It was Eugene, our old math camp rival_," narrated Marcus. "_We had no idea what he was doing here._"

"Eugene?!" cried Jason. "Just when I thought this place couldn't get any worse!"

"I feel the same way," replied Eugene.

"I thought you'd be at Camp Bohrmore or something," said Marcus.

"I was, but I used the computers and the camp's natural resources for a world domination plot. Needless to say, I was kicked out. So I decided to come here instead. I never expected to run into you two, though."

"Why did you choose this place?" asked Marcus. "These don't seem to be your kind of people."

Eugene grinned the kind of grin only conceited villains have. "They're not! But they're a lot of fun to mess with. After I learned about a certain three that share the same name, I convinced Eddy to start a scam group."

"So?" stared Jason.

"I'm getting him to recruit more and more people," explained Eugene. "Soon, they'll have no one to scam but each other, which means that they won't be able to trust anyone! Everyone will lose their friends, and I'll simply go to some other camp and do the same thing!"

"Why are you doing this?" asked Marcus.

"Because I can! Because I have a grudge against the world!"

(To the tune of "I'd Do Anything")

Eugene:**_ I'll do anything_**

_**For revenge**_

_**For that is the best thing there is**_

_**I know that**_

_**I'd do anything**_

_**For the heck, anything**_

_**For the heck, anything**_

_**It's bliss**_

Jason: **_Would you mess with minds?_**

Eugene: **_Anything! _**

Marcus: **_Leave all peace behind?_**

Eugene: **_Anything! _**

Jason: **_Get things intertwined _**

Eugene: **_Anything! _**

Marcus: **_And what would you find? _**

Eugene: **_That I love it!_**

_**I'll do anything**_

_**For evil, anything**_

_**Yes, I'd do anything... **_

Jason and Marcus: **_Anything?! _**

Eugene: **_Anything for that!_**

"Wow," said Jason, "you're a bigger jerk than I thought, and that's really saying something."

"What do you care?" defended Eugene. "You're above them. You never call your get-rich-quick ideas scams. You're a professional. Still, I've been thinking. Things will be pretty bad around here once everyone splits up, and my absence at math camp leaves one empty spot. One of you could take my place."

Jason shook his head. "We can't leave each other."

"And they recently allowed pets there..." Eugene mentioned, a bit too casually.

"Jason, you should go," said Marcus. "What if the counselors see Quincy and want to take him away?"

Jason rolled his eyes. "If they think a dog is a kid with a big nose, we can easily convince them that Quincy's a midget with a skin condition."

"Seriously," said Marcus. "You should go. Be happy learning out there. You want it more than me."

"But..." stammered Jason, "I don't even know how I'll get there!"

"Feel free to use my pride and joy!" Eugene led the boys outside to reveal a large purple blimp with his face on it. "I love this thing."

"Like I'm gonna ride in something with a picture of THAT on it." Jason turned to his best friend. "Marcus, what will you do?"

"I can always try to reconstruct this camp."

"Yeah, right," Eugene said under his breath.

"Sorry, Jason," sighed Marcus. "But if you don't get on that blimp, you're gonna regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Wait a second!" Calvin interrupted Marcus's narration. "If Jason can't quote from movies, why are you?"

"He actually said that," admitted Jason.

"That's pretty embarrassing," said Hobbes.

Marcus smiled weakly. "Yeah, I should have left that out." He got back to the story.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"_Well_," narrated Marcus, "_Jason got on that blimp and flew away, leaving me alone._"

Eugene laughed as the blimp flew into the gray skies above. "Ha! I'm winning already!"

"What?" said Marcus.

"Before I bring this camp to its' knees, I broke up YOUR friendship, which is all I ever wanted!" Eugene laughed again and walked inside. Marcus sighed and lay down on the grass, looking into the sky.

Marcus: **_Where is love?_**

_**Does it fall from skies above?**_

_**Is it...**_

"_Wow_," narrated Marcus, "_this is getting more and more humiliating. I'm gonna skip my ballad and cut to Jason, who sat up in the blimp with a song of his own..._"

Indeed, Jason sat in the blimp with Quincy. He was impressed with all the buttons Eugene had installed. He checked the radar. He had almost reached Camp Bohrmore. But what about Marcus? He may have kept Quincy, but he had to admit that you couldn't really have a good conversation with it. And why was Eugene being so generous?

(To the tune of "Reviewing the Situation")

Jason: **_Have I made a mistake?_**

_**It's possible**_

_**For this trip that I take?**_

_**It's possible**_

_**Because judging from the thing's I heard and seen**_

_**I have made a wrong choice leaving Marcus with Eugene**_

_**I'm reviewing the situation**_

_**Is a better life back in that simple camp?**_

_**All the trials and tribulations**_

_**But when your friend is there, spirits are never damp**_

_**That's right! Eugene's plan isn't justified**_

_**If we scam, we do it with pride**_

_**It's like us to just give in**_

_**To fall over with bowling pins**_

_**With us apart, Eugene will win**_

_**...I think I'd better turn this thing around!**_

Hey!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"_I didn't know the kids very well yet_," narrated Marcus, "_but they were potential friends, and I couldn't let Eugene torture them. I went back inside to warn Eddy._"

Marcus approached Eddy. "Eddy, I was talking to Eugene and..."

Eugene waltzed over and started to lead Eddy away before Marcus could finish. "Hey, Eddy, I've gotta talk business with you..."

"Awesome!"

Marcus followed them. "But he's just trying to..."

"Let's take the hoverscooter!" cried Eugene. He used a remote to signal a mini hoverscooter that wizzed him and Eddy away.

Not giving up, Marcus ran over to Double D. "Double D, there's something..."

Again, before he could finish, Eugene flew over and grabbed Double D as well. Marcus ran to Ed next. "Hey, Edketeer guy!"

"That's not my name, so you can wear it out."

"Whatever. Look, Eugene's setting you up! If so many people are pulling scams at once, there'll be no one around to buy anything, and everyone will be against each other! You'll have chaos!"

"Eddy says not to talk to the customers and to act like the wall." Ed fell against the wall.

"What is wrong with you people?!" cried Marcus. He looked down the hall and saw everyone positioned with different booths, ready to scam.

"_I don't think there was anyone here who WASN'T scamming_," narrated Marcus. "_Since two Eds were busy and one was being the wall, I had to warn the kids themselves._"

Marcus went to Lucy's psychiatrist booth. "Excuse me, I..."

Lucy ignored him. "Unless you have an appointment, don't waste my time."

"You don't understand!" cried Marcus. "These scams will..."

"I was giving out psychiatric help long before the scams," interrupted Lucy. "Go complain to the others."

Marcus went to Sarah next. "Look, you guys have to..."

"SHUT UP!" yelled Sarah. "We're not supposed to start selling stuff 'till we get the signal!"

"But Eugene's planning to..." Marcus was cut off when Eugene flew down the rows in his hoverscooter, slamming into Marcus.

"START!" announced Eugene. The kids pranced through the halls, singing all the way.

Kids: **_Who will buy_**

_**This wonderful morning?**_

_**Such a sky**_

_**You never did see! **_

_**Who will tie**_

_**It up with a ribbon**_

_**And put it in a box for me? **_

Marcus ran around, trying to get the kids' attention, but he did no good. The kids were too busy attempting to sell nonexistent people things. Eugene began to chase Marcus. "Get back here! I have to show you my taser!"

Marcus was chased down the hall, where he ran into a dead end. He turned around to see Eugene flying closer holding the taser. Suddenly, Jason jumps onto him and grabs the hoverscooter remote. He used it to crash Eugene's hoverscooter into the wall, where the taser landed on Eugene, zapping the villain.

"What made you come back?" asked Marcus.

"Fagin number."

"Oh. Well, the kids are looking for someone to scam, but I don't think there's anybody out there."

"Where did they go?" asked Jason.

The kids had all danced into one of the main rooms. "Someone must be in there!" declared Marcus.

Jason and Marcus peered in to see the kids dancing around Charlie Brown, singing louder than ever.

Kids: **_WHO WILL BUY_**

_**THIS WONDERFUL MORNING?**_

"They're gonna kill the poor guy!" said Jason.

Marcus got an idea. "I think we'll have to fight singing with singing!" The two of them jumped onto a table.

(The tune of "Oom-Pah-Pah")

Jason: **_Here's a little ditty_**

_**About how we both pity**_

_**You kids who have fallen for Eugene's mean trick**_

_**He's nobody's friend here**_

_**In fact, we recommend here**_

_**That you listen to us before he gets his kicks**_

Both: **_Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!_**

_**Listen up kids**_

_**Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!**_

_**To what Eugene did**_

_**He wants to win, but that we both forbid**_

_**Listen to oom-pah-pah!**_

Marcus: **_Like us, Eugene's geeky_**

_**But he's also quite sneaky**_

_**You've got nobody to sell all your scam stuff to**_

_**Eugene knew the whole time**_

_**So don't fall for this old crime**_

_**And don't let him manage to trick all of you**_

Both: **_Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!_**

_**Listen up kids**_

_**Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!**_

_**To what Eugene did**_

_**He wants to win, but that we both forbid**_

_**Listen to oom-pah-pah!**_

The kids all glared at Eugene, who was crawling in. He looked up. "Uh-oh." Eugene ran for it and jumped into his blimp, flying away as everyone watched. "HA! Thanks for bringing my blimp back, Jason! This plan might have failed, but you haven't seen the last of me!"

"I think we just got ourselves a recurring villain," sighed Jason.

Snoopy ran over. "Not yet, boys!" Snoopy sent a stream of Woodstock birds up at the blimp. "Fly, my pretties!"

Eugene saw the birds and began to fire little missiles at them. The birds dodged them and managed to peck a hole in the blimp. It crashed down in the distance.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So did he ever come back?" asked Calvin.

"Not yet," said Marcus.

"LOOK!" shouted Eddy. "HIS BLIMP!" Everyone looked in the sky. "Made ya look!"

As they all looked the other way, a familiar blimp flew by in the sky behind them.

Hobbes turned back. "Very funny. So what happened after that?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back in the flashback, Linus turned to Jason and Marcus. "I believe I should say this. You see, after some consideration, we can state..."

Everyone:**_ Consider yourself_**

_**One of us!**_

Elsewhere, the Eds sat outside, dejected. "That scamming nearly ruined camp, Eddy," said Double D after a while. "Do you think this is a sign?"

"I got a message in my Chunky Puffs this morning," Ed remembered. "It is the milk men and their Plan 10 from outerspace!"

Eddy: Huh. **_Can somebody change? _**

Double D: **_It's possible_**

Eddy: **_Maybe it's strange_**

Ed: **_But it's possible_**

Double D: **_We almost destroyed all that we loved through scams_**

Eddy: **_I could turn a leaf over_**

Double D: **_And then see who I am_**

They started to walk into the sunset when Jason and Marcus ran over. "Hey, guys!" called Jason. "My mom's here to pick us up! You wanna come over?"

Double D was surprised. "You're inviting us over?"

"Milkmen..." whispered Ed.

"Sure," smiled Marcus. "We can bug Jason's siblings...set up a scam or two..."

Eddy: **_I'm reviewing the situation_**

_**Once a scammer**_

_**You're a scammer to the end**_

Double D: **_And Eddy, for your information_**

_**It looks like we Eds have finally found a friend**_

Ed: **_We'll see lots of things from outerspace_**

Eddy: **_We'll get jawbreakers, stuff my face_**

Double D: **_Indeed I hear victory ring_**

Jason: **_And none of us guys learned a thing_**

Marcus: **_I think this is the last reprise_**

Ed: **_I really like the taste of cheese_**

Eddy: **_And I know that this will be fun_**

Double D: **_I wonder what has just begun_**

All: **_I think we'll have to think it out again! _**Hey!

"_And so_," narrated Marcus, "_we danced into the sunset. And that's how it happened_."

"_I'm putting in Han Solo next time_," added Jason.

* * *

This will probably be the only episode with Peter and Paige. But not for Eugene... 


	22. Champion Charlie Brown pt 1

Here comes a double-length episode. Part one of Champion Charlie Brown.

* * *

Charlie Brown was walking outside when Lucy called to him. "Charlie Brown! I've got an idea. How about I hold this football and you kick it?"

"Very funny. You're just going to pull it away like you always do."

"But you don't KNOW I will," smiled Lucy. "You'll lie awake in bed every night, wondering if you could have kicked it...every...single...night..."

Charlie Brown had heard enough. He ran at the football, only to have Lucy pull it away, like always. He went flying over the roof.

"I do believe I've beaten my distance record," smiled Lucy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Behind the camp building, Calvin and Hobbes sat in a tree, wearing their GROSS (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) Club newspaper hats.

"See Susie?" whispered Calvin, pointing to Susie and Sally, who were sitting nearby.

"She's right on target," reported Hobbes.

Calvin smiled. "Raise your water balloons and..." Suddenly, Charlie Brown flew over the roof and hit Calvin and Hobbes. They fell out of the tree and the water balloons landed on them with a splat.

"Very funny, Calvin!" called Susie. "You'll have to try harder next time!"

"Just watch me!" Not beaten yet, Calvin jumped to his feet and threw a water balloon, which hit Sally instead.

"I've been attacked!" cried Sally. "Assaulted! I intend to take this to the highest degree of the law!" She ran inside.

Calvin turned to the fallen boy next to him. "Charlie Brown, your sister's a nutcase. So what happened to you?"

"Football..." whispered Charlie Brown in a daze.

"Again?" exclaimed Calvin. "What's wrong with you?! OF COURSE she's gonna pull the football away! We even tell jokes about it!"

"What kind of jokes?" asked Charlie Brown.

"'How many Charlie Browns does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, they're all being idiots and attempting to kick a football!'"

Charlie Brown stared.

"Hey, I never said they were good jokes," admitted Calvin. "But you're a wreck!"

Lucy strolled over, holding a football. "Charlie Brown! I've got an idea. How about I hold this football and you kick it?"

"Coming, Lucy..." sighed Charlie Brown.

"No you're not!" Calvin jumped between Lucy and Charlie Brown. "Charlie Brown's never going to 'kick' a football held by you again!"

"Ha!" laughed Lucy. "Just you wait! In a few minutes, he'll come crawling back to me!" She walked inside, still laughing. "What a blockhead! Of course he'll come back!"

She stopped and thought for a minute. What if Charlie Brown DIDN'T come back? He was Lucy's most frequent client, after all. What would her psychiatric booth become without him?

"Well," she said to herself, "it doesn't matter. Calvin probably could use some help, too. Everything will be back to normal in an hour or so..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin and Hobbes were in the gym. Charlie Brown ran laps around the track.

"So you think you can help him?" said Hobbes.

"The only reason he's so wishy-washy," explained Calvin, "is because Lucy makes him THINK he's wishy-washy. Once I cure him, everyone's gonna remember ME as the guy who buffed up Charlie Brown! I'll be a celebrity!"

"I don't think that's the right attitude," warned Hobbes.

Calvin leaned against the wall in a reclining position. "Hobbes, people live to be cool."

"Would you get to wear a sailor suit?" asked Hobbes.

"What? Of course not!"

Hobbes sulked away. "What fun is being cool if you can't wear a sailor suit?"

Charlie Brown sprinted over. "Okay, Calvin, I'm ready to become a man!"

"Let's not push things. You're just going to be cured of your blockheadedness. Turning you into a man will cost you."

"Okay," agreed Charlie Brown. "One thing at a time. What's first?"

"You're going to face your worst enemy," said Calvin. "You're going to kick this football that I'm holding."

Charlie Brown ran for Calvin, who pulled the ball away. He went flying, yet again.

"Sorry," called Calvin. "I always wanted to do this."

"Oh. Can we do it for real?"

"Maybe not," replied Calvin. "I'll probably just do it again. It's a lot of fun."

"Okay..." sighed Charlie Brown.

"But don't worry!" cried Calvin. "There's a lot of other stuff we can do!"

Hobbes watched them walk off. "Why do I get the feeling that you're going to make him worse than he was before?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the main room that Calvin and Charlie Brown were passing though, Jason and Marcus were setting up a booth.

"Hey, guys!" called Jason. "Want to buy some lotto tickets?"

"You're running a lottery?" asked Calvin. "That sounds more like something the Eds would do."

"The Eds couldn't handle something like this," smiled Marcus, "Well, Double D could, but ours won't be rigged."

"It's totally fair," agreed Jason. "We get 25 of all that's entered, and the winner gets the rest!"

"I don't think I'd have a chance..." Charlie Brown shook his head.

"I'll buy a ticket," said Calvin, before turning to Hobbes, who was in his stuffed form now. "What do you mean, I'm gonna lose?! You don't know that for a fact! Oh yeah? Same to you!" Calvin jumped onto his toy and started to fight.

"Um..." stared Charlie Brown, "I'll just be waiting outside. I never know what's going on, even when I'm a part of it."

Eddy raced in and jumped on Jason and Marcus. "Oh no you don't! I'm the only one who does scams around here! What the heck are you trying to pull?"

"We're actually doing something honest," admitted Jason.

"Honest?!" screeched Eddy. "Somebody slap me! You're bringing down the good name of scamming! ...or the bad name! Or something."

"Can I sling mud?" asked Ed.

"I tell you," hissed Eddy, "this won't last a second with the kids!"

Eddy stomped out with Ed. Double D snuck in a second later. "May I please buy a ticket?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin and Charlie Brown went outside with a kite. "Just run with this thing and it'll fly," advised Calvin.

Charlie Brown ran, but tripped. The kite flew away. "Well," said Calvin, "at least it's flying." The kite suddenly crashed to the ground. "Well, it WAS flying."

Kevin ran over the kite with his bike. "Dork!"

Charlie Brown walked inside. "It's okay, Calvin. I think I'm actually feeling a little better right now."

"I'm actually making progress?!" smiled Calvin. "Great! Let's keep going! You're never going back to Lucy now!"

As the two left, the Kankers peeked out from the side of the building...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a strangely darkened corner in the hall Lucy was sitting in her booth when the Kankers walked in. "Hello, girls!" she smiled. "Here to talk about your Eds again?"

"Not this time," said Marie. "We've got the scoop on your favorite client."

Lucy twirled her chair around and laughed. "Charlie Brown? How's he doing? Is he lying alone in a field, wallowing in failure?"

"Nope," said May. "He's feeling better!"

"Better?" Lucy sat up in shock. "That can't be!"

"The Calvin kid's helping him," informed Lee. "He's not doing too bad."

"I don't believe this!" Sweating, Lucy started jingling the can that she keept her money in. "If he feels better, he won't need me any more. I won't here the sound of money any more!"

"If we get a cut of that cash," grinned Marie, "we can take Calvin out for you."

"Huh?" Lucy didn't get it.

"You heard us," replied Lee. "We can stop him from making Charlie Brown feel good."

May nodded. "He'll be a blockhead again!"

Lee smacked May. "Yeah. Like you!"

"Hey!"

"Will you two shut up?" snapped Marie. "So what'll it be?"

"Bring them down," whispered Lucy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back in the gym, Charlie Brown pitched a ball to Calvin. "Hey," he smiled, "the ball actually didn't come back and hit me!"

"Probably because I never managed to hit it in the first place," reminded Calvin. "I always hated baseball. Still, it's good progress."

"What's next?" asked Charlie Brown.

"Me and Hobbes have some, uh, setting up to do. Just take this mirror and repeat to yourself 'I am a winner.'"

"But I'm NOT a..." began Charlie Brown when Calvin slapped him.

"I said, 'I AM A WINNER!'"

"YOU are a winner?"

Calvin slapped Charlie Brown again. "I may be helping you, but you'd better not push this!"

Calvin and Hobbes walked outside and headed down the block. "What are we going to set up?" asked Hobbes.

"We're gonna stage a big disaster at the pool," said Calvin. "We tell Charlie Brown about it ahead of time, he saves us, he's a hero."

"Any idea HOW?"

"Well..." Calvin suddenly went into a fantasy. "_Calvin the Freight Train skids off of his tracks, and heads straight towards the local pool! Suddenly, Stupendous Man flies through the air and with a single gust of his super breath, blows the train straight to the scrap pile!_"

"That was a Stupendous Man adventure," Hobbes pointed out.

"I know, isn't he great?" smiled Calvin. After staring into space for a while, he snapped back to reality. "Oh, wait, we were thinking about Charlie Brown. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, in the main room, Charlie Brown was sitting at a table with Linus, discussing the recent events. "So how's the training going, Charlie Brown?" asked Linus.

Lucy slid over, acting all too friendly. "Yes, what's the prevailing attitude, Charlie Brown?"

Feeling awkward, Charlie Brown scooted a few inches away from her. "Oh, it's actually going alright. I'm actually feeling better about myself." He glared at Lucy. "In fact, he actually blamed a lot of my problems on YOU."

"Innocent little me?" smiled a wide-eyed Lucy. "How silly. Out of curiosity, where did Calvin say he was going?"

"Down to the pool...why?"

Lucy reclined in her seat. "No reason, no reason."

Suddenly, the Kankers burst out of a closet next to them. "TO THE POOL!" They sprinted out the door.

Lucy didn't blink. "Completely unrelated."

"Yes, I'd better get going as well." Innocently, Linus grabbed a scooter and rolled out a backdoor to the front of the building where the Kankers were. He tripped them with his blanket and quickly tied them to a column.

"Hey!" cried May. "That creepy kid caught us!"

"When we get outta this..." warned Lee.

Linus cut her off. "I happen to be good with knots. I don't know what you're planning, but you had better leave Calvin and Charlie Brown alone."

"You're a sneaky little..." growled Marie.

"Indeed," Linus strolled inside.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the pool, Calvin, Hobbes, Jason, and Marcus were setting something up.

Hobbes: **_Champion Charlie Brown_**

_**What a good thing to do**_

_**The kids will all think that he's a hero**_

Calvin:**_ I will impress 'em too_**

Jason and Marcus: **_Champion Charlie Brown (Could happen)_**

_**Not a blockhead today (Could happen)**_

Calvin: **_No need to boot him we'll all salute him_**

Hobbes: **_When he is feeling down_**

Marcus: **_He's gonna be most definitely_**

All: **_Champion Charlie Brown_**

Jason: **_Champion Charlie Brown_**

_**See him walking right now**_

Calvin: **_He'll be the most respected of all kids_**

_**We've just gotta stage how**_

All: **_Champion Charlie Brown (They'll love him)_**

_**That name will really stick (They'll love him)**_

_**Happens much faster with staged disasters**_

_**Which could make some kids frown**_

_**But they'll be safe soon, here this afternoon's**_

_**Champion Charlie Brown**_

_**Champion Charlie Brown**_

_**Champion Charlie Brown!**_

"So here's what's gonna happen," said Jason. "We lower this giant fan which starts to blow everyone around. Charlie Brown comes to the rescue by using the big switch on the side to turn off the fan and he's a hero."

"I see a few flaws," warned Hobbes.

Calvin shook his friend. "Flaws? FLAWS? What flaws?"

"Well," Hobbes shoved Calvin off, "why would there be a giant fan at the pool in the first place?"

"Uh-oh," realized Marcus.

Calvin shook it off. "Doesn't matter. Let's tell Charlie Brown and get ready! The whole thing happens in one hour!"

They all walked out through the boys locker room. Just as they left, the Kankers (who had escaped from Linus's blanket) burst in through the girls locker room, just missing them.

"Where are they?" cried Marie.

Lee sniffed the air. "Gone. We'll get them later. AND Charlie Brown."

"That kid's gonna have the blockiest head in the world!" sneered Marie.

"How come they called him that?" wondered May. "It's a round head."

"Shut up!" cried Lee.

"No," Marie agreed with May, "that bugs me too."

"I said, shut up!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later, the kids were all arriving at the pool. Linus walked in with his blanket when the Kankers grabbed it and reeled him in. "Good grief..." sighed Linus as they grabbed him and walked into a storage closet...

Hobbes and Snoopy, meanwhile, sat on the side of the pool. "So you two are trying to get the round-headed kid's confidence up?" asked Snoopy.

"We sure are," said Hobbes. "But he has a name, you know."

"Why bother learning his name? He gives me the food, I don't actually talk to him, it's win-win. But mostly for me."

Nearby, Calvin was getting Charlie Brown ready. "Okay, so you know the drill?"

"Mostly..."

"Aw, you'll be fine! In two minutes, Jason and Marcus lower the fan!" Suddenly, the lights went out. "Or maybe they said two seconds."

A giant fan was lowered out of the ceiling. Riding on it were Jason and Marcus, wearing flashy supervillain costumes. "We will destroy you all!" announced Jason.

"WHAT?" cried Calvin. "Since when were they up there? That's not part of the plan!"

"I guess they took my advice and decided the fan needed a purpose," mused Hobbes. "Still, the idea of supervillains is pushing things."

"Surrender your valuables!" shouted Marcus.

Jimmy raised his hand. "If you're going to destroy us, why should we give you our things?"

After thinking about this, Jason and Marcus decided to turn the fan on, blowing everyone around.

Calvin was blown into a chalkboard that rolled into Charlie Brown, and then the wall, trapping the boy between the two. Calvin pulled him out. "What are you waiting for? Go get 'em!"

"How?"

"Improv, man!" Calvin clapped his hands once. Ed crawled over and threw Charlie Brown towards the fan. He was quickly blown the other way. Charlie Brown saw some hanging ceiling lights and started to climb across on them. He managed to land himself on the fan. "Do I hit the switch now?" He whispered.

"We have to milk this thing first," replied Jason. "Pretend to punch me!"

Charlie Brown threw a punch, but tripped and found himself dangling off over the pool.

"Now what do we do?" asked Marcus. "This is kind of embarrassing."

Jason solemnly looked down. "We knew what we were getting into when we put these costumes on. We have to knock him off now."

"You're right," agreed Marcus, "we have images too."

Jason and Marcus started to stomp on Charlie Brown's fingers, making him lose his grip. Suddenly, the Kankers jumped up and swiftly threw Jason and Marcus off.

"WE'RE the ones hired to do this," yelled Lee, "not you!"

Charlie Brown looked up. "Hired?" He noticed that he was dangling right next to the switch he was supposed to hit! He reached for it. A few more inches...

Without another word, Lee kicked Charlie Brown off the fan before he could finish.

"AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH!!!"

Before he hit the water, Charlie Brown was blown against the wall next to Lucy. She smiled. "I'll see you when we get back. There is much to discuss."

But hope was not lost! Linus crawled out of a storage room, beaten up. He used his blanket to lasso the big switch and pulled hard. The fan stopped and the Kankers fell into the pool. Everyone cheered. But not Charlie Brown.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later, Charlie Brown trudged back to camp. Linus was the hero now, not him. He might never be a hero now.

Finally, he turned to Calvin. "Well, we failed."

"WE?"

"Fine. I failed."

"That's better," said Calvin. Suddenly, he felt a little guilty. He quickly threw in, "It happens sometimes."

Charlie Brown nodded. "I guess I'll just go back to Lucy. She probably has a football waiting."

"Remember," announced Jason at the lottery booth, "you only have a few more minutes to buy a ticket!"

"Why don't you buy one?" suggested Calvin.

Charlie Brown was surprised. "Me?"

"Why not?" shrugged Calvin. "Just try it. You're gonna lose your money to Lucy, anyway."

"Okay."

A minute later, Jason and Marcus announced the winning number. "Okay, the winning number is 1-9-50-19-0-0."

Charlie Brown stared at his ticket in shock. Finally, he shouted, "Good grief, that's me!"

"You actually won?" smiled Marcus. "That's great! The prize is thirty five dollars."

Eddy grabbed Charlie Brown. "Hello, new best friend!"

"I helped him!" Calvin proudly announced to everyone. "This was all me!"

Lucy watched from the halls. "I'll get that blockhead..."

Snoopy clapped his paws. "Way to go, round-headed kid! Wow, maybe I should really learn his name...maybe."

* * *

Yes, I know that this seems like a good place to end the episode, but believe me, it's only beginning.

The song from this episode is a version of one in the first full-length _Peanuts_ movie, _A Boy Named Charlie Brown_.

This episode was an effort to do two things. One, to bring Calvin back into the spotlight (he's been missing out on big parts for a while now) and two, to have an episode focusing on the star of _Peanuts_, Charlie Brown. It's also interesting to see Lucy as a villain.

The line "What's the prevailing attitude, Charlie Brown?" comes from the classic _Bring Me the Head of Charlie Brown_.


	23. Champion Charlie Brown pt 2

Lucy sat in her booth, thinking about how she would ruin Charlie Brown now that he was a winner. The Kankers approached her.

"Well?" said Lee. "We totally trashed the kid at the pool. Where's the money?"

"Hold on a second!" Lucy scooted her chair away. "Your job's not over yet."

"It isn't?" stared May. "What else do we need to do?"

"We could beat up May," suggested Marie.

Lucy shook her head. "Not necessary. Charlie Brown winning that lottery ruined the chance of him coming back."

"Aw," shrugged Lee, "that was luck."

"But it proved he's lucky enough to win at something," Lucy pointed out.

"He'll spend that money sometime," reminded Marie.

"But he'll always have the memory of winning it," reminded Lucy.

"We can't erase his memory, genius," said Lee.

Lucy stood up. "But you CAN take the money away. Remind him that he's still a wishy-washy, blockheaded, failure face!"

"You still have to pay us for the first time!" threatened May.

"I'll pay double."

"Deal!" said Lee.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Calvin, Jason, Marcus, Ed, Double D, Eddy, and a stuffed Hobbes marched through the halls, led by Charlie Brown.

Calvin, Jason, Marcus, Ed, Double D, Eddy: **_Champion Charlie Brown (You did it)_**

_**If you're a blockhead boy (You did it)**_

_**It must be something not to be nothing**_

_**When you've been on the ground**_

_**Once a beginner, now he's a winner**_

_**Champion Charlie Brown!**_

Charlie Brown smiled (which was not a common sight). "Thank you, but why are you following me?"

Everyone had a different excuse:

Calvin: For once, I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you!

Jason: Me and Marcus need pictures for our blog.

Eddy: I'm starting a bank, and your money has a nice home their.

Ed: I am a sheep.

Double D: I'm not quite sure WHY I'm here...

Suddenly, they heard May down the hall. "Which way did he go?"

"KANKERS!" shouted the Eds. Everyone hid in a nearby locker room as the Kankers walked out. Lee sniffed the air. "Charlie Brown can't be far. Let's just grab the money and take it to Lucy."

"Can we beat him a little first?" asked Marie.

"Love to." On that note, the Kankers snuck off.

Double D gasped and came out of the locker room. "Good heavens, the Kankers aren't after us for a change! They want Charlie Brown and his money!"

"The jig is up," agreed Ed, "and with no leprechauns around."

Jason was confused. "And they want to give it to Lucy?"

Charlie Brown remembered something at the pool. "I heard Lee say she was hired earlier. Is Lucy behind this?"

"I don't know, but I'm gonna find out!" cried Calvin. "You guys hide Charlie Brown. Me and Hobbes are going in."

Calvin went into a Tracer Bullet fantasy. "_When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I'm the tough. Tracer Bullet. But sometimes the going is TOO tough. Do I back down? Ha! Don't make me laugh, it ruins the image. I take along a close pal of mine. The only pal I have that doesn't have any ammunition. We're a great team when it comes to the dames..._"

Calvin put Hobbes on his head and donned an overcoat, making him look like a taller Hobbes. He approached Lucy and tried to speak with a weird accent. "Hello, I am a new camper here from a foreign country. Might you give me some information about conspiracies against the innocent consumer?"

Lucy stared. "Calvin, what the heck are you doing?"

Calvin threw his outfit off. "You slimy girl, just come clean! What are you doing to Charlie Brown? I heard the Kankers!"

Lucy just smiled. "Isn't it obvious? I can't have you helping Charlie Brown. I'll be ruined!"

"That makes perfect sense," nodded Calvin. "Thank you, you've been a great help."

Lucy started towards Calvin. "Not so fast. I can't just let you leave now."

Calvin stepped back with a nervous smile. "Uh..._the dame was a feisty one, but I had another plan up my sleeve. The kind only the smartest and greatest private eyes use_...RUN FOR IT, HOBBES!"

Calvin grabbed his tiger and ran. "Back, you fool, back!" He turned around and pelted Lucy with water balloons. "I always keep a spare with me!"

Calvin ran outside and hid behind a tree. Hobbes rolled his eyes. "Hiding behind a tree? Is that the best we can do?"

Lucy ran by. Calvin ducked. "Sure is, Hobbes, sure is."

Hobbes sighed and sat down. "This really does explain everything. But what can we do? We outnumber them, but they overpower us."

"As long as the others are protecting him, right?" said Calvin.

"Think about who 'the others' are for a second," reminded Hobbes.

"Hoo boy."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At that moment, the Eds were being chased through the halls by the Kankers with Charlie Brown.

"Hand over the kid!" called Lee.

"Not cool!" cried Ed. "Run away!"

Double D stopped running. "Ed, I think we'll have to sacrifice ourselves for Charlie Brown!" They both threw themselves down.

"Take us, oh Kankers!" moaned Ed.

Marie wasn't sure what to do now. "Wow! Should we grab the money and run or grab our boyfriends?"

May pounced on Ed. "I'm going for Big Ed!"

Eddy, however, kept running with Charlie Brown. "I'm using you as an excuse for not helping! Man, I'm smooth."

Lee suddenly grabbed Eddy. "Not this time." She turned to Charlie Brown. "You lucked out, blockhead."

Charlie Brown kept running, almost making it towards the door when Lucy stepped out with a football. "Charlie Brown! I've got an idea. How about I hold this football and you kick it?"

Charlie Brown screeched to a halt. He could never, NEVER, resist the urge to kick that football. He slowly started towards it. "Good grief. Must...not...kick..."

Eventually, Charlie Brown started to run for it, losing control, when Jason ran from behind Lucy and kicked it away first. Marcus caught it.

"She can't control you anymore!" shouted Marcus. "I eat balls like this for breakfast!" He tried to bite it, then threw it on the ground in frustration. It bounced back and hit him in the face. "Ow! Stupid football."

"Just run!" groaned Jason. He, Marcus, and Charlie Brown started running again.

"I'll slug you!" Lucy was after them.

Calvin suddenly swung down from a rope. "Here I come to save the day!" He grabbed Charlie Brown.

"What's this tied to?" asked Charlie Brown.

"Nothing, why?" They suddenly fell and scrambled outside. Calvin's car is was there. "My dad's here! Charlie Brown, you're coming home with me on a sleepover!"

"Really?" said a wide-eyed Charlie Brown. "No one's ever done that for me before..."

"Thank me later, Lucy's coming!" Calvin, (a stuffed) Hobbes, and Charlie Brown jumped into the car and drove away.

Lucy ran outside just to see the car leaving. "I know where you live, Calvin! ...Hey, Susie, where does Calvin live?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin and Charlie Brown sat in bed that night. "What a day, huh?" sighed Calvin.

"Sure," agreed Charlie Brown. "And thanks for letting me sleep over."

Calvin shrugged. "Aww, we're in this together now. All three of us!"

"Three?"

"Don't forget Hobbes. When he's mad, he's hungry."

Charlie Brown smiled. "Oh, right."

"And it's a good thing you're here, by the way!" added Calvin. "The monsters under the bed are polite and won't eat anyone when there's a guest around." He turned out the light.

"Think what you want," said a deep voice.

Calvin turned on the light. "What was that?!"

"I didn't hear anything," said Charlie Brown.

"Good thing you don't have any monsters. You wouldn't last a second."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Calvin bounced into camp, followed by Charlie Brown.

"How much Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs did you eat this morning?" asked Charlie Brown.

"Awholelotofit!ManIlovethatstuff! ThisiswhyI'msoenergeticinthemorning! Isn'titgreat? Iloveit. Wow,nature'scallingrightnow! Igottausethebathroom, seeyouinasecond."

Calvin ran to the bathroom. Charlie Brown bumped into Jason and Marcus.

"Charlie Brown!" called Jason. "We've got a safehouse ready for you in the broken-down bathroom! Come on!"

A minute later, Calvin walked out of the bathroom. "Ahh...and there goes the sugar." Suddenly, he was grabbed by Johnny and Rolf. "Hey, hands off!"

"Spiky-haired Calvin boy, a warrant has been put out for your arrest," informed Rolf. "As the Urban Rangers, we are the law enforcers of camp."

"My arrest?! On what charges?"

Sally stepped forward. "I told you that I'd take this to the highest degree of the law!"

"Oh, come on!" cried Calvin as he was dragged off. "I thought that was a dumb throwaway joke! It was part one! The beginning! Practically the opening scene! Put it behind you!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Double D had been sent out from the broken-down men's bathroom by the others to see where Calvin was. He heard a crowd in the main room and peeked in to see...Calvin on trial?

"All rise for the honorable judge Van Pelt!" announced Jimmy. Lucy took the stand.

"I'm doomed," moaned Calvin.

"Don't worry, Calvin," assured Linus, "Snoopy's going to defend you."

"How?!"

Snoopy began to dance. "Everyone," announced Linus, "Snoopy is telling Calvin's story using a hula dance. I'll interpret. You see, Calvin was..."

"Order!" shouted Lucy. She stepped down and walked over to Calvin. "I speak for everyone when I say that Calvin is merely...a misguided youth. A kid who finds amusement out of tormenting girls just because he can. You know what he needs? A little jail time!"

"Yeah!" shouted the kids, getting riled up.

"That's right!" Lucy continued to get the kids mad. "And his friends too!" She scrawled the names "Jason, Marcus, Ed, Eddy, and Double D" on a whiteboard behind her. "And," she added, "a special prize is Charlie Brown! I have some private business with him!"

(To the tune of "The Mob Song" from _Beauty and the Beast_)

Susie: **_I think we've all had enough_**

**_Of this club he always boasts_**  
Sally: **_He says that we are all slimy girls and acts like we are GROSS_**

Peppermint Patty: **_For a small guy, he's annoying_**

_**Capturing them is our job**_

Lucy: **_So it's time to take some action now_**

_**It's time to form a mob**_

_**Search the rooms, search outside**_

_**They could be up in a tree because**_

_**They like to throw water balloons straight down**_

_**In the stalls or the halls**_

_**They have got a million hiding places**_

_**And they always like to see us frown**_

_**They're all brats! Immature**_

_**But they're clever**_

_**Love to plot at their shot for spotlight**_

_**Grab a net or a stick**_

_**Smash and grab, hit and kick, arrest them**_

_**Lock 'em up**_

_**Serves them right!**_

"Sir," whispered Marcie, "what if Lucy is only using mob psychology on us? And why does she want Charles?"

"No," said Peppermint Patty, "Lucy's right. Besides, she probably just wants to talk to Chuck. And STOP CALLING ME SIR!"

Double D, who had watched all of this, ran to the men's room. "Oh, curses!"

Calvin found himself grabbed by the Kankers and thrown into a raquetball court. Satisfied with that, Lucy turned to the mob. "So who's with me?"

"I am!" shouted everyone.

Mob: **_Hurry up! They're at large_**

Lucy: **_Wanted posters will soon fill the camp_**

Mob: **_We're counting on Lucy to lead the way!_**

_**They can run, they can't hide**_

_**We know this campus as well as them**_

_**This is no game, and we don't want to play**_

Kevin: **_Though they're dorks, they can't be on the loose now_**

Johnny: **_Better off when they're trapped somewhere tight_**

Mob: **_Get ready, let's set out_**

_**Catching brats, it's about**_

_**When you find them give a shout**_

The Kankers tried to shut the door on the raquetball court, but Calvin managed to hold them off. "I've been framed!" he insisted.

Marie smiled spitefully at him. "So you never hit Sally?"

"Well, not completely framed..." he admitted. "But Lucy's---" He was cut off when the Kankers shoved him in and slammed the door. "Darn it!"

The door opened. Calvin looked up hopefully, but instead, a stuffed Hobbes was thrown in.

"You've got a visitor!" called May. "Ha!" The door was slammed again.

Mob: **_We don't like_**

_**Being ambushed by stupid sexist people**_

_**And on top of that they're not very polite**_

_**Bring a ball**_

_**Bring a bat**_

_**Capture them, on top of that**_

_**We'll look under Double D's hat**_

_**It serves them right!**_

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charlie Brown, Jason, Marcus, Ed, Eddy, and Double D paced around in the bathroom.

"They're coming!" cried Eddy. "What the heck do we do?"

"Can we attack them with enchanted objects?" suggested Ed.

Double D shook his head. "We lack the time, space, and magic, Ed."

"There's a blocked door, no windows," groaned Jason, "what do we do?"

"Don't ask me!" cried Marcus. "I'm the sidekick!"

Jason was taken aback. "You? I thought I was the sidekick!"

"You really thought that?" Marcus smiled. "I'm flattered."

"Save compliments for later!" interrupted Eddy. "We've gotta think!"

Outside, Lucy started towards the men's room, followed by the mob. "That blockhead is MINE!"

Jason, Marcus, Ed, Eddy, and Double D: **_We are trapped_**

_**Here like rats**_

_**Small and hairless with just one leg**_

_**And the chance of us escaping is quite slight**_

Mob: **_There they are_**

_**In that room**_

_**Thrown down a symbolic flume**_

_**Now they're cornered and they're doomed**_

_**It serves them right!**_

The mob banged against the door. The kids inside tried to hold them off. Double D turned towards Charlie Brown, who just sat there. "Any ideas, Charlie Brown?"

"It was stupid to think I could be a winner," said Charlie Brown. "Let them come."

"Don't say that!" Jason struggled to hold the mob off. "Sure, it was luck, but you never thought you had luck before!"

"And you have us, right?" added Marcus.

"Yeah," agreed Eddy. "When has anyone gone through all this for you?"

Outside, the mob continued to pound on the door: **_Serves them right!_**

_**Serves them right!**_

"I know a way out!" said Ed.

"This should be good..." Eddy rolled his eyes. Ed simply pointed to the toilet.

"Spare me!" moaned Double D.

The mob continued to sing: **_Serves them right!_**

_**Serves them right!**_

The six kids jumped into the toilet. But not Charlie Brown. "Are you coming or not?" called Jason.

"Well..."

"Hurry!" insisted Double D.

Mob: **_Serves them right!_**

_**Serves them right!**_

_**Serves them right!**_

On that note (or rather, on that chant), the mob knocked the door in. They entered just to hear the toilet flush. "Ewwww..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"_Spaceman Spiff finds himself prisoner on the alien planet. But, like all cells, there has to be a weak spot! A hidden chamber! A secret way out! He throws himself against the wall several times...but to no avail. Then, he realizes that the aliens must WANT him to be doing this to himself! They want him in a weakened state, so they can feast upon his flesh! Oh, what a way to go!"_

"Stop being so dramatic," said Hobbes. He and Calvin were still trapped. "The Kankers don't want to eat us."

"Well," defended Calvin, "I have to keep my spirits up!"

"And yet you always manage to ruin mine."

"Oh yeah? Let's see what THIS does!" Calvin and Hobbes started to fight, in a very typical pose.

After a while, Hobbes stopped. "This isn't getting us anywhere."

"What are you talking about?" complained Calvin. "I was winning!"

"No, we're still stuck here. We need a plan."

"Okay," cried Calvin, going into full plan mode, "if you get on my back and I put on an overcoat, we can pose as a foreign..."

"Something better."

After thinking for a bit, Calvin called to the Kankers. "The Eds are in here...NAKED!"

May ran in, leaving a path for Calvin to run out. "WHERE?" cried the desperate Kanker.

"You want to hit her or me?" sighed Marie.

"I'll do it. It's my turn." Lee jumped on May.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, the others emerged from the sewers. "It was the sewer pipe of wonders!" cried Ed.

"Wrong story, Ed," corrected Double D.

Jason sprung into action and started running. "Okay, we gotta get to the nearest bank and deposit Charlie Brown's money before..."

"But you don't have to," interrupted Charlie Brown.

"SNAP OUT OF THE DEPRESSION!" yelled Eddy. "Or give the money to me."

"No, it's okay," insisted Charlie Brown. "I don't need the money. You guys were right. The fact that you've gone through all this trouble to help me really means a lot."

Marcus looked at him for a long time. "You really are a Champion, Charlie Brown."

Suddenly, the mob appeared. They surrounded the group. "Sadly," said Double D, "you may be the kind of champion who is killed by crazy people."

"Like John Lennon?" suggested Ed.

"I was going for Abraham Lincoln, but..."

Linus rushed up before the mob could do anything. "Stop!" he held up some pictures. "I have photographic proof here that Lucy has been after Charlie Brown the whole time!"

"That's a lie!" cried Lucy. "And it's anticlimactic!" The mob turned to her and carried her off. "Who took those pictures?!"

"He prefers to remain anonymous," said Linus.

Just then, Calvin and a stuffed Hobbes ran up. "We're here to save the day!" announced Calvin.

"Sorry," said Linus, "but we saved it already."

"Really?" Calvin jumped on his tiger. "This is your fault!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That evening, everyone was going home.

"So are you ever going back to Lucy?" Calvin asked Charlie Brown.

"I really don't know. She needs me more than I need her. Part of me still wants to go. I don't know why."

Calvin looked confused. "And here I thought we had you figured out. I don't get it."

"Sorry," shrugged Charlie Brown. "But thanks for helping me."

"Want to kick the football one more time?" Calvin held the football. Charlie Brown ran for it, but Calvin pulled it away. He watched Charlie Brown fly. "I think I beat Lucy's record. You okay?"

"Yes!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "Feeling guilty?"

"Not at all, Hobbes," smiled Calvin, "not at all."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Lucy and the Kankers found themselves locked in a raquetball court. Lucy glared at the Kankers. They glared back. "If you girls think I'm paying you now..."

Lee stood up. "We can take the money ourselves..."

Screams were heard inside. Snoopy sat outside as a guard, for some reason holding a camera...

He smiled.

* * *

And so ends the Charlie Brown saga. I myself am not sure whether he was cured or not.

Although it was a long episode, a few scenes still got cut. Here's one right after Calvin and Charlie Brown escape to Calvin's house:

**Lucy went inside and heard something coming from the gym. She walked in to find the Kankers attacking the Eds. "Just what are you doing?"**

**"Enjoying life!" called Lee. "What's it to ya?"**

**"You had a job to do!" yelled Lucy. "If you fail me, you're not getting paid!"**

**"Let's go," said Marie. "The Eds are all kissed out."**

**"I think Ed's still got some stuff left," agreed May. Ed fainted. "Nope, never mind."**

**The Eds stumbled out. "Gentlemen," announced Double D, "I vote that we go home and worry tomorrow."**

**"Agreed."**

**Double D nodded and trudged off. "Tired...sleepy...bed..."**

There was also an extended bit when Calvin hears the judge is a Van Pelt:

**Calvin: Linus, you're the judge?**

**(Linus shakes his head)**

**Calvin: Please tell me it's Rerun...**

The line in the mob song "We are trapped just like rats/And the rats only have one leg" comes from the movie "The Brave Little Toaster." An earlier version of that line was "We must pack, we must run/There's an angry mob approaching/And the chances of them wanting hugs are slight"

Finally, Jason and Marcus finding out the other one thinks he is a sidekick was made more suggestive:

**Marcus: I didn't know you felt that way...**

**(Jason and Marcus look into each other's eyes)**

**Eddy: Save it for another time, Brokeback boys!**

I swear, that part was going to be put in as a joke, but I was worried people would take it seriously. I'm all for gay rights, but I don't write slash fics.


	24. Water Week pt 1

Calvin and Hobbes were entering the camp building. You know how the these stories ALWAYS start. It seems all normal and stuff but then something happens and it's not normal anymore. Adventure time.

Well, it once again seemed normal as the two were walking in when a blur of dust zoomed by. It was the gator. In case you don't recall, the gator was a jeep-like vehicle the counselors drove. At least, everyone THOUGHT is was jeep-like. It was always moving so fast, it was hard to see. No one had ever seen it parked.

As the gator whizzed by Calvin and Hobbes on this particular occurrence, a counselor (mostly covered by dust) threw what appeared to be a cup of water at Calvin. It missed and hit the wall of the building as the gator disappeared around a corner.

"What was that?!" gasped Calvin.

"The gator," Hobbes whispered.

"No," said Calvin, "I knew that. But did they just throw something at us?"

Hobbes picked up the cup. "They probably just dropped it." He paused. "I think."

The duo continued into the main room, where everyone else had gathered in front of the whiteboard where the counselors had written a loving message: "IT'S WATER WEEK! HAVE FUN!"

"Sounds fun," shrugged Nazz.

Suddenly, Kevin jumped in and threw a water balloon at Jason. "It's fun for us! Me and the counselors are gonna be hiding everywhere armed with water balloons! Watch your step, dorks!"

Randomly throwing another balloon in (that missed), Kevin burst out of the room and ran off.

"Why does stupid Kevin get to ambush us?" complained Eddy.

"He's an assistant counselor, remember?" said Marcus.

A separate door at the other side of the room creaked open. Everyone turned to it to see what surprise awaiting them. To no one's surprise and everyone's dismay, several water balloons flew through.

"I think we're about to have a long week," sighed a wet Linus.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Linus, unfortunately, was right. It seemed that everywhere the kids went, they would be splattered by an array of water balloons. The counselors proved to be quite ruthless. The fact that agile Kevin was helping was also bad.

Whether one merely opened the wrong door at the wrong time or even turned the wrong corner, it seemed that a wet surprise was waiting for them. Of course, it was just water, but it was the sheer fact that it was splashed in their faces every ten minutes that really began to wear on the kids.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin and Hobbes sat outside one night when Kevin drove by on his bike and threw a water balloon at them.

"That's it!" cried Calvin. "Attacked at camp is one thing, but in front of my own house? I'm not gonna take it!"

"So what are you going to do?" asked Hobbes.

"This calls for a camp meeting!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The meeting was held the next day, hidden in a closet. Everyone crammed in to listen.

Calvin stood on top of an exercise ball. "Everyone! We've been hit with water balloons for too long!"

"YEAH!" chorused the kids.

"Not only that," continued Calvin, "but they lessen the impact of the GROSS Club's balloons."

Everyone groaned.

"Hey!" cried Calvin. "This is important stuff! I..." he slipped and fell off the ball. "...I really should have stood on something different."

Double D took Calvin's place, although not on top of the ball. "Well, I for one, agree with the first part. These attacks are surprisingly cruel!"

"Rolf is tired of the rubber water doo-hikies as well!" called Rolf.

Everyone agreed.

Lucy stood up next. "Any idiot can stand and complain, but why aren't we actually doing anything? But that in your hat and wear it!"

"You leave Double D alone!" yelled Sarah.

Lucy and Sarah hissed at each other. A fight broke out. Taking advantage of the situation, Eddy ran around, selling tickets. "Get your tickets! Can't enjoy a good catfight with good seats!"

Kevin leaned in. "And how's everyone doing in here?" He pointed upwards.

Everyone looked up to see a nasty surprise. Dangling over them was a net full of water balloons. Kevin let them go and slammed the door. He laughed when he heard the splash.

Inside, everyone was sopping wet. "I rest my case," sighed Calvin.

"And I rest mine!" said Double D. "But the question is, what do we do?"

No one said anything.

"No ideas, hmmm?" said Double D. "I was afraid of that."

"Can we get the girls fighting again?" suggested Eddy. "I was making a fortune!"

Everyone sighed and left.

Jason and Marcus sat behind and watched everyone sadly file out of the closet. "Looks like it's up to us, Marcus," said Jason.

"What are we gonna do?" asked Marcus.

"We almost never see the counselors, right?" said Jason.

"Right..."

"If we can't see them, they can't see us! We're going undercover as counselors, finding where they hang out, and do some serious spying! You with me?"

"You bet!" cried Marcus.

Calvin and Hobbes ran over. "Don't forget us!" called Calvin.

"Unless I'm in a washing machine," added Hobbes, "this fur stays dry!"

"A secret agent must look the role," instructed Jason. "Luckily, me and Marcus have waited for this for a long time."

They dove into the closet. A few seconds later, Jason and Marcus emerged in fancy tuxes.

"Maybe we need something more inconspicuous," said Marcus.

"Got it coved." Jason and Marcus flipped on sunglasses. "NOW we're talking!"

The two of them began to hum a secret agent theme, while running down the hall, attempting to duck out of everyone's sight (and tripping over each other in the process). Calvin and Hobbes followed, trying to keep a good distance.

They soon reached the door leading to counselor's office. Jason was about to open it, when he stopped. "Wait a second, we can't go in."

"Why not?" asked Calvin.

"I get it," said Marcus, "we took too complicated a route."

Calvin hated to admit this, but it was true. "That's right! What if they try to track us?"

"How about we circle the building once and then come back?" suggested Hobbes.

"Brilliant!" cried Jason. "Let's go!"

That's exactly what they did. After a jog around the building, they were about to enter again when Jason got another idea...

"Hey, why stop here? We've got the whole campus!"

"The whole town!" suggested Marcus.

They looked at each other and shouted happily, "The whole state!"

They dashed off, leaving Calvin and Hobbes. Hobbes sighed, watching them run out the door. "And here I thought YOU had too much sugar."

Calvin opened the door. The two braced themselves...but found nothing. They crept inside and ducked behind a cooler.

"I feel such a rush!" whispered Calvin. "Oh, wait, that's my own sugar."

"Maybe we're making a mistake," worried Hobbes. "It's Thursday right now, water week will be over tomorrow. And what if they find us?"

"I'm pretty sure there are child-beating laws," assured Calvin. He paused. "But what about tiger-beating laws?"

Hobbes sprang up. "You're right! I've gotta get out of here!" He ran for the door when another door opened. Gasping Hobbes fell on the floor, hoping whoever it was wouldn't see him.

It was Kevin, walking out of a separate room, finishing a conversation with a counselor. "Got it, the big day's tomorrow!" He noticed Hobbes on the ground. "Where there's a tiger, there's usually a certain kid, too..." Kevin grabbed Hobbes and looked around. "Calvin, where are you, dork?"

From his hiding place, Calvin's heart beat faster. To feel even safer, he dove inside the cooler. "Man, Kevin has Hobbes! What am I gonna do? Hey, what's this...?" He was sitting on something soft and wet. It was a pile of... "Water balloons! That's what he meant by the big day!"

Calvin peeked out. Was Kevin still there? YES! He ducked back in. This could certainly be a while.

In the lounge outside the office, Jason and Marcus walked in, out of breathe. They both collapsed on a couch. "I forgot we can only run so far without stopping as around the block..." sighed Jason.

Still, they had a mission in that office. They headed for the door again when Kevin stormed out. "What are you dorks doing here?"

"Uh, just taking a walk," lied Marcus.

"Yeah? Well, if you see Calvin, give him this!" He thrust Hobbes in Jason's hands.

"Will do!" saluted Jason.

Calvin was sneaking out when Kevin came back. He jumped back into the cooler.

"Better test one of these things..." muttered Kevin, dragging the cooler out of the building.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Jason and Marcus were talking to Hobbes. "He's WHERE?!"

"In the cooler," shrugged Hobbes.

"But...but..." stammered Jason, "Kevin just left with it!"

"If he finds Calvin..." worried Marcus.

"I'll have a wet, complaining companion tonight," finished Hobbes. I'm not about to share a bed with THAT! We're saving him!"

With a nod to each other, they ran out the door.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, from his hiding place that was dragged along the campus outside, Calvin kept peeking out of the cooler and dropping out balloons. "At least they won't have any water balloons left now! I'm too good!"

Kevin came to a stop outside. Calvin squeaked, knowing he would soon open the cooler to get an unpleasant surprise...although whatever he would do to Calvin would be worse.

Jason and Marcus ran over with Hobbes just before Kevin could see what was in the cooler.

"Kevin! Kevin!" called Jason.

"We're not sure if this is the real Hobbes!" said Marcus. "What if he's really an alien planted here to blend in with us and then attack?!"

"Get out of here, dorks!" growled Kevin.

While he was distracted, Calvin climbed out of the cooler and edged his way around Kevin. He grabbed his tiger. "Nope, it's defiantly Hobbes! Thanks for your concern, though."

"Any time," smiled Jason. The three (or four, if you counted Hobbes) scampered off.

Kevin opened the cooler to find that it was empty. After the shock, it didn't take him too long to put two and two together.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin ran into the main room and jumped onto a table. "Attention! We have big news!" Before he could say anything, Calvin glanced down to see Kevin standing in the doorway, glaring. Calvin turned back to the kids. "Uh...me and Hobbes found a cool rock outside!"

Sarah threw a shoe at him. "Hey, this is Rolf's shoe!" complained Calvin. "You could at least have the decency to throw your own shoe at me!"

Kevin growled and left. Calvin squeaked nervously, and tried to shake it off. There was no way Kevin knew, right?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That night, Calvin and Hobbes lay in bed, when they heard something rustling.

Calvin sat up. "Hear that?"

"Maybe the monsters under the bed are hungry..." worried Hobbes.

"Wasn't us," said a voice under the bed. "Sounds like it came from outside."

Calvin looked out to see Kevin below, circling the house on his bike. For a second, Kevin looked up at Calvin, glared, and drove off.

Calvin's eyes went wide. "He knows, Hobbes...He knows we know!"

"He knows we know what?"

"He knows we know what he doesn't want us to know!"

"Oh, I get it. He knows."

"Uh," mumbled the monster, "we ARE hungry, actually."

"Not now!" cried Calvin. "We've got bigger things to worry about."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Calvin made a mad dash to the main room and hid behind Ed. He didn't want Kevin to find him.

"What's your problem?" asked Eddy.

"I'm suddenly the man who knew too much!"

Eddy laughed. "Ha! Just like Ed knows too little."

"Yup, I won't argue with that," said Ed.

"Perhaps we can help you," suggested Double D.

"I can't tell!" moaned Calvin. "Only me, Hobbes, Jason and Marcus know. If I told you, someone might hear. Someone bad."

"Hey, Calvin!" called Kevin, standing in the hall. "Get out here!"

Calvin gulped and headed out. "Was I fated to end by life this way?"

Kevin was waiting. "I wanna show you something real neat..." He pulled out his baseball bat.

Actually, Calvin did have one idea in mind. "Well, me, Jason and Marcus wanna show you something, too!" Jason and Marcus ran out with a little surprise. "Medieval weapons!"

They whipped out a sword, axe, and lance, striking an action pose. Unfortunately, the weapons were too heavy, and the boys fell over, finding themselves pinned down by their own defense.

"I told you we should have gone for plastic ones!" grunted Marcus.

"And ruin the effect?" Jason shot back.

Kevin rolled his eyes. "This is so easy, I almost don't wanna do it." But, of course, he really did want to do it, so he raised his bat. "We've got more than one cooler, dorks!" he added, before he started to bring it down.

Luckily, Kevin looked up to see a counselor at the end of the hall before he could do any damage. "Huh? Yeah, we were about to go," he called. Everybody head outside!"

Calvin, Jason and Marcus sighed in relief. If that counselor hadn't have shown up...

"You got lucky," growled Kevin, throwing the bat down. "But not for long."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The counselors sent everyone outside and had them walk down past the camp building to a small clearing between a few dorm buildings. There, some bubbles were set up for the kids to play with. Kevin didn't follow them.

"It sure was nice for the counselors to let us come out here and blow bubbles," said Linus.

"How naive are you people?" exclaimed Calvin. "Don't you get it? We're being tricked!"

Ed laughed. "Aww, Calvin is sad because he does not know how to blow bubbles."

"I don't care about the bubbles!" Calvin angrily kicked some soap aside. For some reason, Ed ran away screaming.

Ignoring Ed, Calvin continued. This is water week, people! They're making us wait out here so they can attack us with water balloons! Does anyone wonder why Kevin isn't here?"

"Oh dear!" gasped Double D. "That's probably true!"

"Sure is," nodded Marcus.

"Time to play a final tune..." Schroder sighed. His toy piano at hand (he brought it with him everywhere), he began to play a slow, sad tune.

"Now's my chance!" thought Lucy. She ran over to Schroder and kissed him.

"What in the world was that?!" gasped Schroder.

"A goodbye kiss."

Sally liked this idea. "Oh, Linus..." she called.

Linus hid under his blanket. "Stay away!"

Calvin tried to regain order. Usually, he loved anarchy, but wasn't about to let Kevin of all people win. "It's not the end, you guys! But we have to move fast! If we can figure out a plan..."

Jason had written up designs already. "I've got it! We build a giant bubble wand, and make them all fly away in a bubble!"

"Any objections, sockhead?" Eddy turned to Double D.

"A horrible plan, yet we have no time," said Double D in a panic. "Commence construction!"

"Now we're talking!" grinned Calvin. "Play it, Schroder!"

Schroder nodded and began playing a frantic tune, as everyone got to work. Rolf chopped wood. Jason and Marcus found supplies. Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patty helped form the wood into a giant bubble wand. Sarah, Sally, and Lucy gathered rope. Jimmy and Linus put all the bubble soap into one large bowl that Calvin found, and Marcie and Nazz stirred it. Jason and Marcus supervised. Snoopy lay in the shade, doing absolutely nothing.

"Looks about done, everybody!" Jason finally announced. He stepped back and surveyed the giant bubble wand, being suspended by ropes and supported by kids.

Snoopy sat up and looked at what they had. "This is it? It's huge."

"Unattractive," added Hobbes.

"A monstrosity to nature."

"Inhumane."

Snoopy yawned and went back to sleep. "Well, at least we're animals."

"I'll say," agreed Hobbes.

Both of them smiled. "And the counselors are in for it!"

Calvin was still pacing. This had to be perfect! "Okay, we need a signal. A codeword to launch this thing!"

"Apple, apple, orange!" shouted Ed.

Eddy smacked Ed. "You've been drinking too much bubble soap!"

"No way!" cried Calvin. "Ed, that's perfect!"

A loud rumbled echoed through the air. Everyone turned back to the camp to see a cloud of dust approaching in the distance. The Gator.

Calvin stood his ground, with everyone else behind him. "And here they come. Do the honors, Ed."

"APPLE, APPLE, ORANGE!"

The kids got to work, which soon turned to chaos. Panicking, they pulled the giant bubble blower up using rope with others made sure it didn't tip over. Johnny, Charlie Brown, and Rolf started blowing, trying to make the bubble. "Blow, Plank!"

It worked! A huge bubble came out. Everyone cheered for a second, until it almost instantly popped.

"I knew Charlie Brown shouldn't have helped!" complained Lucy. "He ruins everything!"

"Hurry!" ordered Jason. "Lower it again!"

The ropes slipped, sending the bubble wand crashing into the tub of soap, spilling it everywhere. The wand lay broken in two pieces. Everyone ran around trying to fix things, but ending up slipping around on the soap.

"Oh, curse Murphy's Law!" cried Double D.

Eddy slid by. "Who the heck is Murphy? I'll kill him!"

"Well, what do we do now?" asked Hobbes.

Calvin sighed and watched the cloud of dust, getting closer and closer. "Wait till part two and hope I have an idea."

* * *

This was based on a real thing that used to happen at camp. The counselors had "water week," which usually meant that we'd go to a different pool and have a water balloon toss, and that was it. They were never as sadistic as Kevin was.

But one week (during the last year I went to that camp), they sent us all out to blow bubbles. A few of us had seen a cooler full of water balloons in a cooler, so we knew something was up. In the role Calvin plays in the story, I went around warning people and the "APPLE APPLE ORANGE" or something similar to it was our warning. We didn't have the giant wand, though. Darn.

Yes, the Gator is a real thing, made by John Deere. Do an image search to see one. Man, that thing was cool.

Oh, and one time during an early year the counselors drove by in the Gator and threw cups at us. But then they hit a curb and spilled water on themselves. Justice!

Finally, the work music Schroder played was going to be a parody of Danny Elfman's "Making Christmas," but it didn't work.

Schroder: _**It's time**_

All: _**It's time**_

_**Building defense**_

_**Building defense**_

Calvin: _**Building defense, building defense**_

_**Can't get wet**_

Jason and Marcus: _**We will not let them get us all**_

_**We'll show them we're not done yet**_

All: _**Building defense**_

_**Building defense!**_


	25. Water Week pt 2

While the kids continued trying in vain to fix the bubble wand, Calvin stood, watching the Gator approaching. He barely make out Kevin and the counselors, but he could see that they were holding water balloons and supersoakers.

"Any ideas yet?" asked Hobbes.

"Of course not! It's only been a few seconds."

The Gator was getting closer and closer. Streams of water shot out of the guns far enough to just miss Calvin.

It was then that Calvin had an idea. Why were they just sitting around? What was keeping them there?

The Gator finally arrived. The kids were engulfed by a cloud of dust. No one could see anything, except silhouettes of other scrambling kids and water shot out by the Gator.

Calvin struggled to be heard. "Come on, guys!" he shouted, dodging a water balloon. "I escaped here once, and we can all do it again! Just run for it!"

Jimmy collapsed next to him. "They got me! Go on!"

Sarah grabbed him and kept running. "Come on, Jimmy!"

Everyone ran in a different direction. Not on purpose, it was just that no one knew what they were doing. "Plank?" squealed Johnny. "PLANK?"

With so many escaping kids, the Gator took off in one direction, taking the enormous dust cloud with it.

When the dust cleared, Calvin found himself alone in the grass, with no one but Hobbes. And Kevin.

"Because of you," hissed Kevin, "all the dorks escaped! They could be anywhere! And I bet the counselors are gonna blame ME!"

Gripping his bat, Kevin threw a water balloon in the air and swung at it like a baseball. Of course, when he hit it, the balloon exploded all over him.

Calvin didn't take the time to stop and laugh. Instead, he ran as fast as his legs could carry him. And since he had short legs, he wasn't getting very far. The closest place was the stadium, so Calvin headed there.

Kevin wasn't far behind him, and he had brought his bike. It wasn't soon before Calvin heard the roar of it behind him. This called for one thing...a fantasy.

"_Spaceman Spiff finds himself marooned and alone on a vast planet with nowhere to go! Worst of all, an enemy spacecraft is following him! He must hide in the abandoned alien temple! But how can he escape the ship? Some quick maneuvering..._"

Calvin jumped out of the bike's path. Kevin accidently passed him. As he skidded and attempted to turn around, he ended up flipping himself over.

"_Success! But Spiff hasn't held him off for long! Into the ancient ruins he wanders, wondering when his foe will return..._"

"Do your little fantasies help you focus?" interrupted Hobbes.

Calvin shrugged innocently. "Sorta. Kinda. No."

"Didn't think so. Oh, and Kevin's right behind you."

"Hyper speed!!!" Calvin dashed up the stadium's stairs, followed by Kevin. "Run, Hobbes!"

Kevin bumped up the stadium's stairs, still on his bike. "You dork! There's nowhere to go at all!"

Calvin managed to duck away from the balloons, but quickly screeched to a halt looking over the stadium's edge. "I hate it when he's right."

"But I love it." Kevin sped up and headed for Calvin. Instinctively, Calvin ducked (also shoving Hobbes down), causing Kevin to miss and fly over the edge.

"Wow," whispered Hobbes, not moving.

Calvin didn't want to get up, either. "In Disney movies, this is usually how the bad guy...dies."

Finally, Calvin forced himself up. He looked the edge, but couldn't find Kevin. "Aw, Hobbes!" he moaned. "I didn't mean for THAT to happen! What am I gonna do?"

"Stay calm, stay calm," urged Hobbes. "Look again."

They looked down to see Kevin had actually landed in a tree.

"See," said Hobbes, "he's getting ready to come back up here and get us."

Calvin moaned again. "Aw, Hobbes! I didn't mean for THAT to happen, either! What am I gonna do?"

"Do I have to say it?"

"Right. HYPER SPEED!" With that, Calvin was off in a flash.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks to the blind scramble in the dust, there were kids all over the campus, separated from each other. While most pairs (like Jason and Marcus or Charlie Brown and Linus) stayed together, one essential duo was now lost from each other. Johnny and Plank.

Sadly, Johnny wandered the streets, calling after his best friend. He heard a rumble in the distance. Had Plank returned? No, it was the Gator!

Johnny zipped behind a parked car as the Gator drove by, with the cloud of dust. But there was something interesting...sitting in the Gator, Johnny could just make out the shape of Plank! Somehow, in the pervious escape, Plank had fallen into the Gator!

But by now, it was gone. Johnny sprang to his feet and began to form a plan. He had to save Plank!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now that they had lost Kevin, Calvin and Hobbes hung out in the woods near the dorms, taking things easy.

"This feels good," said Calvin. "Now that Kevin's gone, we don't need to worry about anything."

"I wouldn't be too happy," warned Hobbes. "We might be in big trouble."

"Hey," reasoned Calvin, "we ran away before, and the worst they did to us was put us in a cage and treat us like wild animals."

Hobbes nodded. "And seeing as I AM a wild animal..."

"It was nothing! Look, there's Marcie over there! Hey, Marcie!"

Marcie walked over. "Hello, Calvin. How are you?"

"Feeling great! And you?"

"Alright, but a little hot. I could use some water."

"You stupid girl!" cried Calvin. "That's the whole reason we left Kevin! To be free of tyranny!"

"Does tyranny mean having something to drink?"

"I hate to be a hypocrite, but..." Calvin threw a water balloon at Marcie.

"Thank you, sir," Marcie walked away.

"Stop calling me sir!" shouted Calvin. "Oh, wait, that's not my catchphrase. But, you know? We should probably regroup and have a celebration! An anti-hydration celebration!"

"Where?" asked Marcie.

"Good point. It has to be somewhere they'd never expect us to go...well, come on, Marcie. We've got kids to find!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In his quest for Plank, Johnny found Jason, and Marcus and led them back at the giant, broken bubble wand.

"You sure you wanna do this, Johnny?" asked Jason.

"Plank needs me!" said Johnny.

"That settles it," said Marcus. "Let's go!"

While Johnny got pumped, Jason and Marcus got to work repairing the wand and refilling the soap, while singing, of course!

(To the tune of "When I See an Elephant Fly")

Jason: _**I've heard a tiger sing**_

_**I've fought a Koopaling**_

_**I've seen racoons flying through the sky**_

_**But I've been done seen about everything**_

_**When I see a 2x4 fly**_

Marcus: _**And though it sounds weird, I've**_

_**Seen a Gator drive**_

_**And believe me, that's not a lie**_

_**But take it from me, I'd feel so lucky**_

_**If I saw a 2x4 fly**_

Soon, they were ready. "Now, blow!" ordered Johnny, propping himself up inside the wand and soap.

Jason and Marcus obeyed. The bubble formed around Johnny and took off. He happily flew through the sky, with one thing in mind. "I'm comin' for ya, buddy!"

Jason and Marcus chased after it, singing a final chorus:

_**But take it from me, I'd feel so lucky**_

_**If I saw a 2x4 fly...**_

_**When I see a 2x4 fly!**_

Calvin, Hobbes and Marcie ran over as the song finished. "What are you guys doing?" called Calvin.

Surprised, Jason and Marcus dropped the bubble wand. It broke again, spilling the soap. Everyone slid around, looking very similar to last time.

"Nothing," said Jason, very calmly.

Calvin continued sliding. "Uh, right. Well, we're throwing a party for everyone, we're just not sure where. Any suggestions?"

"Anywhere Kevin isn't?" suggested Marcus.

"Well, duh!" cried Calvin, as they continued to slide back and fourth with the soap.

"How about we never work with bubble suds again?" growled Hobbes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Johnny flew through the air in his bubble, scanning the campus roads. Somewhere, was Plank. Finally, he saw a cloud of dust driving below. It was the Gator.

"Plank!" called Johnny. "I can't steer this thing!"

Johnny couldn't manage to control the bubble. With no other option, he popped it and landed in the dust cloud, surprising all the counselors, who screeched the Gator to a halt. After a scuffle, Johnny hopped out of the dust and dove under the Gator.

Wondering where he went, the counselors got out and searched for Johnny. That second, Johnny hopped into the Gator, grabbed Plank, and started driving. "YEE-HAW!"

Not looking back, Johnny disappeared down the road, leaving the counselors on foot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Eds, upon their escape, ran straight to an ice cream shop. "Can you believe that girl let us cover the shop while she was gone?" grinned Eddy. "I told you, my brother has connections!"

"Indeed," said Double D, happily adjusting an apron. "Your brother seems to know everyone."

Ed had his head buried in toppings. "I love the gummi worms!"

"Think we get to keep the tips?" wondered Eddy.

The door opened. "And here's our first customer!" cried Double D.

They all eagerly looked up...to see Kevin walk in! Armed with a Super Soaker!

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" squealed the Eds.

Eddy put on a fake smile to hide how nervous he was. "Kevin! Buddy...uh, how'd you find us?"

"Where would any escaped dorks hide out?" glared Kevin.

Ed threw down the toppings and scrambled behind the counter. "Not cool! Have mercy!"

"Ah, perhaps Kevin would like some free ice cream?" squeaked Double D. "In return for not shooting us with his Super Soaker?"

"No chance!" Kevin sprayed a gush of water at the Eds, who frantically ducked.

"He is a bounty hunter!" cried Ed.

"Dead or alive!" growled Kevin.

What Double D had said earlier clicked with Eddy. "Wait a second, sockhead! You're a genius!" Eddy sprang up, avoiding another spray. "Take Double D's offer and get some ice cream!"

He grabbed a scooper and started flinging ice cream at Kevin. "Here's some pistachio, 'cause you're nuts!"

"And here's rocky road," added Ed, "'cause you rock!"

"You're not supposed to compliment him in your puns!" Hissed Eddy, grabbing more ice cream before Kevin could retaliate. "Well, here's some tutti fruitti, 'cause you're a real..."

"Oh, don't say it!" cried Double D.

Kevin whirled around and threw down the Super Soaker, pulling out a baseball bat instead. Since Double D was the smallest, he would be the easiest to hit.

"Double D! Catch!" From his hiding place behind the counter, Ed threw Double D a tiny pink spoon.

Double D sighed. "Thank you, Ed."

Kevin chased Double D around, who frantically swung the spoon at him, attempting to fight back. "Assistance, please!"

"The scooper's stuck!" called Eddy, trying to yank it out.

Running to save his friend, Ed grabbed Kevin's super soaker and ate it.

"Hey!" Kevin stopped chasing Double D and ran for Ed.

In response, Ed opened his mouth and let a strong stream of water shoot out and hit Kevin, sending him against the wall.

Eddy dashed over, holding a scooper holding the world's biggest pile of ice cream. "And here's the rest of the ice cream that I was too lazy to make jokes for!" He dumped it all on Kevin with a splat. "Now, let's run!"

"My apologies!" called Double D as they dashed out the door.

They all escaped outside to find almost all the campers walking the streets.

"Hey, we were looking for you guys!" called Calvin.

Eddy freaked out. "What's going on? The counselors'll get you in a group!"

"None of us have seen them around," shrugged Charlie Brown. "We think the Gator's out of gas."

"And we haven't run into Kevin, either," added Linus.

On cue, Kevin burst out, still covered in ice cream. "There you are!"

Instead of being afraid, everyone pointed and laughed at Kevin. "Stop it...stop it! I'm taking you all in! You dorks! You're all dorks!"

Everyone just walked away.

"I...I'm telling the counselors, you hear me? I'm telling the counselors!" But Kevin didn't move. He just stood there. "Dorks...dorks..." he panted.

Double D turned around and walked back. "Kevin? Are you alright?"

"I'll kill you!" Kevin lunged at Double D, who instinctively threw the tiny spoon at him. Kevin collapsed.

"Oh my." Surprised, Double D ran off.

Kevin stayed on the ground. He could have easily gotten up and taken one of them down. Most likely Charlie Brown. But he couldn't. He used to have the respect of the kids. He used to be cool, popular. But now...what did he have? He had the power, but he didn't have friends.

And yet, were they ever his friends? Hard as he tried, Kevin couldn't think of a true friend he had. Sure, Nazz was hot, and Rolf was in his age range, but were they really his friends? He decided to sit on the sidewalk a little longer...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone else, meanwhile, had gone to the pool, after deciding it was the place that Kevin and the counselors were least likely to look. While Jason and Marcus stood guard outside the locker rooms, everyone else gathered inside.

Calvin sat up on the diving board, overlooking all the kids, who had gathered around him, singing a song of praise...

(To the tune of "Public Enemy Number One" from _Anything Goes_)

Ed: _**And now there's going to be some fun **_

All: _**Some fun-o! Some fun-o! **_

Ed: _**Now that Calvin has saved evr'yone**_

All: _**Yes, Calvin has saved evr'yone-o!**_

Double D: _**And we have all gathered here today**_

All: _**Today-o! Today-o!**_

Double D: _**So we can all celebrate and say**_

_**That Kevin's finally been sent away**_

_**And we, the campers, have really won**_

All: _**Yes, the campers have really won-o!**_

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As everyone sang inside, Kevin approached the pool. He could hear the happy kids celebrating. With a sigh, he walked inside, ready to face them. This would be the hardest thing he'd ever done.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_**Calvin is who we have to thank**_

_**Thanks to him, Kevin's ship has sank**_

_**And that's symbolically, of course**_

_**What we mean is, that he has no force**_

_**Water Week used to cause dispute**_

_**But now when we see Calvin, we salute **_

_**For henceforth we'll remember when we hear call**_

_**Calvin has, though a spaz, saved us all**_

_**Indeed!**_

As everyone finished their song, Kevin suddenly struggled in, with Jason and Marcus frantically clinging to his legs, trying to hold him back. However, Kevin was too strong for them. Getting a clever idea, Jason and Marcus instead let go of him, sending the still pulling Kevin flying into the pool.

Calvin smiled from his faux throne. "Well! This is a surprise! Look who found us! Kevin!" Everyone booed,. "You're not in charge here anymore, Kevin!" continued Calvin. "I AM! Get him!"

Kevin was instantly subdued by the kids, tied up, and put on a lifesaver, then pushed out into the middle of the pool. Oddly enough, he didn't struggle a bit. Ignoring this, Calvin stood over him with his own Super Soaker.

"Promise me you'll never forget this Water Week," Calvin said with a cruel smile, "and I'll only drench you a couple of times!"

"Dude," said Kevin, "I'm not an assistant counselor anymore."

Calvin blinked. "Huh?"

"Yep," nodded Kevin, "I had a talk with the counselors."

Calvin grew pale.

Kevin continued. "They agreed that we'd been to hard on you, and I talked them out of punishing you guys for, ya know, the whole running away thing."

"We're not in trouble?" smiled Jimmy.

Calvin waved his Super Soaker frantically. "He's lying! I know it!"

No one paid attention to Calvin. Instead, the pool echoed with cries of "Yay, Kevin!"

Soon, it was a real party. Everyone went back to having fun, which was really all they had ever wanted in the first place. Everyone was happy...except for Calvin.

"No, no, no!" Calvin cried in disgust, still up on his diving board. "I'm the one you like! I saved you first! Kevin's just doing this to get his popularity back! Don't you remember the song you were just singing? _**Some fun-o! Some fun**_...whoa!" He lost his balance and toppled into the pool.

Hobbes picked up the Super Soaker. "Should I or shouldn't I? He's already wet, why not?" He aimed it at Calvin and pulled the trigger.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, it was a happy ending for all...although there was one slight problem. A few people weren't at the pool. In a plane headed for sunny Florida, sat Johnny, Plank, and Snoopy.

"Don't ask me how the dog joined us," Johnny was arguing with his wooded friend. "How'd we go from being chased with water balloons to a plane headed towards Florida, anyway?"

Snoopy grinned. "I prefer not to wonder how these things get started, myself."

* * *

Wow, this is an example of a story getting really, really weird.

The song from _Anything Goes_ was mostly put in 'cause I got to play the Purser in my school's production. It was a lot of fun-o.


	26. Legends of the Hidden Campus

This story is a parody of the old Nickelodeon shows, "Legends of the Hidden Temple". I used to love this, but Olmec and the temple guards used to freak me out.

* * *

The kids all sat around camp watching the TV in the entrance lounge. Their town had a public access channel, and lo and behold, they had gotten a show! 

Eddy's smiling face lit up the screen. "Welcome to Legends of the Hidden Campus! I'm your handsome host, Eddy, here to entertain you! And here's my best friend, Olmed!"

Ed sat nearby, dressed as an ancient statue. "I am Gargoyle Ed again!"

"Adorable, ain't he?" continued Eddy, pulling the camera back to him. "And I gotta remind you, we're coming to you LIVE!"

Linus walked over. "Eddy, can we turn the TV off? You're standing right next to us, and we're probably the only people watching this channel, anyway. We could just watch it live."

"No way!" argued Eddy. "That would take all the fun out!"

Double D was working as the one and only cameraman. "I agree with Linus, Eddy. And this camera is very heavy."

"Don't be a wimp! This show is for anything BUT wimps!" Eddy checked a cue card. "I just proved myself wrong. Our first team is Jimmy and Sarah."

"What's that supposed to mean?!" yelled Sarah, who stood on the sidelines with Jimmy.

"Yep," continued Eddy, "these two are the Indigo Ocelots! Next, there's Calvin and Hobbes as the Burgundy Ferrets!"

"Ferrets?" repeated Calvin.

"I made the names!" called Ed.

Eddy motioned for the camera to follow him. "Next, there's Johnny and Plank as the Holographic Tigers!"

"They're tigers?!" Hobbes whispered to Calvin. "I should be the tiger! I mauled Eddy, for crying out loud!"

"Tell it to the statue," shrugged Calvin.

"I am Gargoyle Ed again!" sang Ed.

"You already said that!" hissed Hobbes. "This is truly an injustice."

Eddy had reached the next team. "Now, here's the Tye-Dye Orcas, which are Rolf and...uh..."

"Rolf only needs Rolf! NO ONE ELSE!"

Eddy stared at Rolf and then moved on. "And finally, here's Charlie Brown and Snoopy as the Blue-Footed Boobies!"

"Can we air that word?" wondered Double D.

Eddy faced the teams. "All of you are about to go on the adventure of your lives. Or of your week. Or day.." he paused. "Can we edit some of this out, Double D?"

"We're live, Eddy."

"You're useless!" Eddy shot back. "Okay, Olmed, tell 'em about the first game!"

Ed opened his eyes and bellowed in a mysterious deep voice, "The first game is to sprout wings and do a barrel roll, then land in a real barrel full of grease!"

"Eddy, did you hear him?!" cried Double D.

"Sure did. Get moving!"

Rolf headed outside. "Rolf supplies the grease!"

Jimmy scampered over to Eddy. "Eddy, sprouting wings could hurt!"

"Hey, I don't make the rules," Eddy said innocently. "Blame Olmed."

Ed nodded. "I have spoken. Eddy, can we make my eyes glow red?"

Eddy grinned and put an arm around his friend. "Anything you want, buddy. As long as we rig this so they can't win..." he suddenly realized he was still on TV. "GET THAT CAMERA AWAY FROM ME! YOU DIDN'T HEAR NOTHING!"

The screen went black.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the picture came back, it showed all the contestants and Eddy standing on top of camp. Several barrels were below them.

"Okay," announced Eddy, "I'm making this kinda fair for you. You get to jump off the roof."

Everyone cheered.

"...but the barrel ain't in your jumping distance. Figure it out."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All the other kids in the camp's lounge were amazed at what they saw on the TV.

"This is gonna be awesome!" cheered Kevin.

Linus stared, wide-eyed. "Do the counselors know we're doing this?"

"Nope," Kevin shook his head. "And they're never gonna find out!"

Ed sat by them, still in full costume. "Pass the popcorn."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the roof, Jimmy trembled. "Sarah, how do we do this?"

"Don't worry, Jimmy..." Sarah said in a soothing voice. Immediately after that, she grabbed her friend, twirled him around, and threw him. He missed the barrel, and landed a few feet away.

Eddy watched thoughtfully. "Well, you get some points for the pain."

"What points?" asked Sarah.

Double D peeked out from behind his bulky camera. "Yes, do we actually have a scoring system?"

"Let's ask Olmed!" suggested Eddy.

From inside, they could hear Ed shouting: "Olmed wants more salt!"

"There you have it," Eddy nodded thoughtfully.

It was Calvin's turn to jump next. In midair, he pulled out what appeared to be a small toy pistol. "Good thing I brought my Transmorgifier Gun!" He held it up...but it did nothing. "Jammed?! Don't you hate when these things fail on you?" He landed with a splat.

"What do you think of that one, Eddy?" asked Double D.

"I'm liking the splat noise. He gets a few points for that."

Nearby, Johnny and Plank stared over the edge. Eddy eyed them. "You gonna jump, tigers?"

"Tigers, don't make me laugh..." Hobbes grumbled to himself.

"Gee, Eddy," quivered Johnny, "I don't like heights."

"Too bad," shrugged Eddy, walking away with an innocent expression. "I guess you're out of the game..."

"Plank says you're too scared to jump, and you could probably be cushioned by your big mouth, anyway!" cried Johnny in breath.

Eddy whirled around and ran to jump over the edge. "Oh yeah? I'll show you! I'll..." He screeched to a halt. "Hey, playing your stupid wooded mind games with the host is a disqualification!"

Below them, Calvin was struggling with the Transmogrifier Gun. "I don't get it! When I point this at myself, I'm supposed to turn into whatever I want! Hobbes, you try it! Think of a bird!"

Hobbes pointed it at Calvin, who was turned into a seagull in a flash of light,

"Now we're talking!" squawked the bird-Calvin. "Maybe Eddy'll let me go again!"

Above them, meanwhile, Rolf did a perfect dive and landed the barrel, which broke under him.

Eddy nudged Double D. "Think it would be mean to take off points for him breaking the barrel?"

"Quite so, Eddy."

"I thought so. You lose points, Rolf!" He laughed and turned back to the camera. "Seriously, I can't afford for them to win...HEY, I SAID NOT TO FILM ME WHEN I SAY THIS STUFF!" Eddy grabbed the camera.

The screen went black again.

When the picture came back, Calvin filled the screen. "Gaze upon me, viewers! A winged creature of beauty! But hark! It is really your acquaintance Calvin, under the effects of the amazing Transmorgrifier Gun!"

Eddy, who was filming now, kicked him off screen. "Get outta here!"

Calvin checked himself out and realized was a normal boy again. With a growl, he stomped out of the camera's range. "I'm back to normal already?! I've gotta figure out how to make these things last longer..."

"That's right," smiled Eddy, panning the camera along with Calvin, "take the walk of shame..."

"Eddy, did you see that?!" cried Double D

"What?" Eddy turned the camera around.

"Snoopy just did it perfectly!" exclaimed Double D. "He soared through the sky, barely splashed, and didn't break the barrel!"

"And you weren't filming it?! That was our money shot!"

"Eddy, you took the camera away from me."

Angrily, Eddy shoved the camera back into Double D's hands and then paced around the remaining contestants. "Okay, given the process of elimination, I'm kicking out Johnny and Plank for the mind games, and Calvin and Hobbes, because Calvin getting hurt isn't as funny as when it happens to Jimmy."

"I'm a star, Sarah!" waved a shaken Jimmy.

"In a minute," announced Eddy, "Olmed's gonna tell us the legend of this campus and the remaining contestants have to answer questions about it!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soon, everyone was gathered in the main room. Double D was still filming.

Ed sat in front of everyone, still dressed as a statue. He began his story:

"**This is the legend of the statue of peril and virtue, not to mention cocktail! It all began when a lone worm had a hat which would not fit! After searching through all the craters of the moon, a chicken ate the worm and went home to go moose hunting. The deer along the trail attacked without warning and with a few swats of robo-claws, won the great war, bringing peace and butter to all toast!"**

Everyone stared blankly, not sure what to say.

Finally, Double D broke the silence. "Ahem, 'Olmed,' what question do you have to quizz the contestants?"

Ed nodded and asked the important question:

"**What was the paperclip's name?"**

Eddy groaned. "Uh, how 'bout we skip to the next part? The obstacle course! You gotta check this one out."

Grinning eagerly, Eddy led the camera to the parking lot. Everyone gasped when they saw what he had done. The lot was covered in a maze of spikes, barbed wire, burning tires, and rusty pipes.

"I don't really know where it starts or ends," said Eddy, "but it's gonna be a lotta fun to watch!"

"Rolf quits." Rolf walked off. Not ever he, the great son of a Shepard, wanted to do this!

"Us too!" added Sarah.

"Wow, you made that easy," said Eddy, undaunted. "That means Charlie Brown and Snoopy win this round!"

Sarah, Jimmy, and Rolf whirled around. "WHAT?!"

"Hey," shrugged Eddy, "if you guys quit before they got a chance, they get it by default."

"Eddy, this whole thing seems rather cheap," said Double D.

"You haven't been listening this whole time, have you? Besides, after this commercial break, we've got the best part of the show! The temple run!"

Double D was surprised. "We have commercials?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soon, Jason and Marcus graced the screen. "Did you think we would have been completely left out of this show? Of course not!"

Marcus held up a laptop. "We're taking advantage of public access to advertize our very own chatroom! Foxspace!"

"At Foxspace," continued Jason, "you can talk to all your friends for a moderate price! Best of all, me and Marcus are automatically your top friends, and we have the power to monitor all conversations in case they have good ideas for various scams and world domination plots."

Marcus shrugged. "You never know, right?"

"Foxspace!" announced Jason. "Where get-rich-quick schemes are your best friends!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Yeah, I'm not sure why I bothered with that part," said Eddy, when the camera was back on him. He turned to Charlie Brown and Snoopy. "Okay, you two! You both made it this far! Seems to me like Charlie Brown's been working off his own pet, though, like some kind of moocher."

Charlie Brown's eyes widened. "Good grief, have I?"

"Well, that barrel bit was all me," thought Snoopy. "Only a flying ace could pull that off."

"Anyway," continued Eddy, "this is the part where you run through the rec center/temple, find the treasure, and dodge the temple guards and traps!"

Jason and Marcus leaned in, dressed in Mayan garb.

Eddy motioned to them. "The guards, by the way, are Jason and Marcus. If they catch you, then you get the constellation prize of a free account on Foxspace!"

Jason nodded. "A very valuable prize, I might add."

"What's the grand prize, anyway?" asked Marcus.

Eddy tried to ignore them. "Uh...I don't talk to Mayans. It's a family thing. Now Olmed's gonna give them the layout of the temple!"

"**You begin here, at the Doorway of White Lies. From there, you take the Secret Passage Hall into the Three Kings' Track. After running around it fifteen times, you must enter the room of the Copper Owl and build it out of toothpicks. Once completed, you may move onto the Jester's Forest and find the four keys to unlock the gates, which will lead you back to the Doorway. But beware of the Temple Guards and booby traps awaiting you."**

"Who's going first?" asked Eddy.

Without hesitation, Snoopy stepped up. "Me, of course. The round-headed kid can prepare my dinner for when I get back."

Eddy counted him down. "Get ready, get set...GO!!!"

Snoopy ran! Everyone eagerly watched...only to see him get a safe dropped on him 1.6 seconds later.

"Can't say Olmed didn't warn you about the traps," smiled Eddy. "You're next, Charlie Brown!"

"Me? But I..." With a groan, Charlie Brown took off running, passing the cheering kids who were all watching the same thing on the TV next to them.

Eddy gave Double D a smack. "What are you waiting for? Follow him! We gotta get this on tape!"

"Eddy, I can't run that fast!"

"Fine. I've gotta use the emergency cameras I rigged up all over camp." Eddy pressed a button. The image on the TV screen changed to various video feeds of rooms at camp.

"If you could do this all the time," said Double D, "then why did I have to film at all?"

Ignoring him, Eddy checked the TV. "Looks like he's running laps now on the Queens' Track."

"Three KINGS' Track!" corrected Ed.

Eddy strolled over to the track where Jason and Marcus were waiting. "Should we get him?" asked Jason.

"Nah," Eddy shook his head. "Wait till he's all tired out, THEN get him."

After running all the laps, Charlie Brown was exhausted. Panting, he stumbled towards the exit to head to the room of the Copper Somethingorother when he spotted Jason and Marcus running at him with spears. Charlie Brown gasped and pressed himself against the wall, causing them to accidently pass him. The two boys whirled around and headed for him again, when they tripped over their spears.

As Charlie Brown escaped, Eddy ran over. "You idiots! Why'd you have to use spears?"

"The costumes are nothing without the spears," defended Jason. "It's in our 500-page code."

Eddy growled. "Fine! Just get him now!"

The three ran down the hall to the room of the Copper Owl, only to find that Charlie Brown had locked the door. "HEY!" Eddy banged on the door. "I should kick you out right now!"

Just then, he heard the kids down at the TV cheering. "GO CHARLIE BROWN!"

"The ratings are going up!" realized Eddy. "I can't afford to JUST kick him out...we'll give him the works!"

Marcus nudged Jason. "Since when do we have ratings?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Inside, Charlie Brown had finally finished the toothpick owl. But now he knew he had to face the temple guards outside.

Arming himself with a spare mop, he OPENED THE DOOR TO FIND...

...nothing.

Cautiously, Charlie Brown stepped out. The doors leading outside to the Jester's Forest (which was actually a small grove of trees between the camp and the road) were right ahead of him.

As he walked over, he heard a battle cry. From behind him, Jason and Marcus rode in on what appeared to be a large log of wood holding torches and, yep, more spears.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!" Charlie Brown burst outside and slammed the doors behind him. That didn't really help, since Jason and Marcus broke through anyway, which would certainly cost the camp a few hundred dollars.

While Jason and Marcus struggled to turn the log at Charlie Brown, the brave little blockhead began to search through trees trying to find a key.

Wait a second. A key? A key to what?

Charlie Brown turned around to see that Eddy had lovingly constructed a huge gate that completely surrounded them. Luckily, the keys weren't hard to find.

He found the last one just in time, because Jason and Marcus were heading straight for him! There was just one problem with the keys...

"WHERE'S THE KEYHOLE?!" exclaimed Charlie Brown.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eddy watched the TV with the other kids. "Did I forget that? My mistake." He tried to put his arm around Nazz, resulting in a slap.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Charlie Brown struggled to climb over the gate, Jason and Marcus finally rammed it, hoping to run him down. Instead, the gate toppled over, clearing a path for Charlie Brown to run.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"WHAT?" cried Eddy, after getting slapped a second time for trying to put his arm around Nazz again. "He's in way over his blockhead now!" Swearing away, he ran outside.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charlie Brown had reached the next task, one that Ed hadn't mentioned. Between him and the Doorway of White Lies (the entrance to camp) was the obstacle course that no one had wanted to run! Taking a deep breath, Charlie Brown began to climb and navigate through the flames and tires, and random unidentified sharp things.

Finally, he collapsed out. He had made it...and standing over him were Jason and Marcus!

"You could have just gone around it," Marcus pointed out.

The two of them pulled out spears. Of course, they didn't intend to use them, but it was certainly good for show. Suddenly, Eddy ran over and tossed the weapons away. "I SAID, NO SPEARS!"

Of course, that gave Charlie Brown a chance to run away, yet again. Eddy sprang to his feet. "Stop him, idiots!"

Jason and Marcus pulled out two remote controls and pressed a few buttons. Although the Doorway of White Lies was about a yard away, millions of little land mines began to explode all around Charlie Brown.

"You did this all for the show?" Eddy was overjoyed.

"Who said it was for the show?" grinned Jason. "We've had these things around for weeks!"

"I can't remember why, though," mused Marcus.

One under Eddy went off, sending the show's host flying into the sky.

"Forgot about that one," shrugged Jason.

Meanwhile, Charlie Brown was lost in a sea of smoke that grew bigger and bigger as more mines went off. He heard a rumbling. From behind him, Jason and Marcus roared through on their log!

It looked like the end when a mine under Charlie Brown went off. Unlike Eddy, he didn't fly through the sky, but rather right through the Doorway! He had won!

All the kids cheered. Snoopy squeezed out from under the safe and joined in.

Suddenly, Eddy stormed in. "Hold it! You didn't win! You didn't, uh, get the statue thingy that Olmed mentioned!"

"Was I supposed to?" asked Charlie Brown.

"You've always had the statue," said Ed. "Just click your knees together three times and..."

"You lose!" yelled Eddy. A second safe fell on him.

"Forgot about that one, too," said Jason.

Since no one knew what to say, the game just sort of died after that. Everyone broke up. Jason and Marcus stayed behind to congratulate Charlie Brown, though.

"We thought you did a good job," said Jason.

"Why did you use a log of all things?" asked Charlie Brown.

"Our code forbids us from using modern weapons," said Marcus. "Except land mines. I've gotta add a page for that..."

**Legends of the Hidden Campus was filmed live in front of a studio audience and was brought to you by Foxspace and the Rollin' Log Corporation.**


	27. The Pool Villain II

Remember a long while back, I had that one story, "Pool Villain"? I liked that story. So much, in fact, that I decided to write a sequel! Actually, the sequel had been planned out for a while, but I was too lazy to write it. I once wanted to post it right after the first Pool Villain story, but I knew that would be overkill. With nothing else to say, here it is!

* * *

Calvin could tell it wasn't going to be a normal day at the pool. The doors to the locker room were locked. They were never locked.

Kevin was struggling angrily. "If I find the dork who did this..."

"Yeah, yeah, dork this, dork that," Eddy leaned against the wall. "Calling people dorks ain't getting that door open any faster!"

Kevin glared at him and continued to tug.

"Come on," complained Jason, "where are the counselors?! They must have a key!"

"Room in your heart for love!" blurted Ed.

Double D stepped up. "May I try?"

"This'll be good..." Kevin stepped aside.

Calmly, Double D pulled out a paperclip from his hat and picked the lock. To everyone's surprise, it worked.

As everyone went inside, Snoopy stayed to look for a missing friend. "Hey, has anyone seen Woodstock?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"That locked door was kind of weird," mused Calvin as he and Hobbes walked out to the pool. "We haven't had that kind of thing happen to us since the pool villain was here."

"You mean Moe?" said Hobbes.

Next to them, Moe was jumping into the pool, along with a few other kids. They emerged...green?

"The large washbowl is cursed!" cried Rolf.

"Food coloring!" gasped Calvin. "And since Moe was in the pool when it happened, he can't be the villain!"

"He could just want us to think that..." reminded Hobbes.

"Hobbes, Moe's not really..." unable to find the words, Calvin motioned to Moe, who was trying to eat a volleyball.

"I see," nodded Hobbes.

Later, the color was taken out of the pool. Calvin and Hobbes decided to lounge in the shallow end.

"So we've got a new villain," yawned Calvin. "Last time, I figured it out at the last minute, so this time I'll just wait 'till then."

A few kids swam by, being chased by a shark. Calvin got up. "Well, maybe I'll start looking...but this time, I'll get some help."

The world suddenly changed. For a second, everything was a dull shade of gray as an odd-looking kid entered. It appeared to be a lookalike of Calvin, wearing a trenchcoat.

"I'm a normal kind of guy. That is, if normal means a guy who lives on the edge. That's me, Tracer Bullet, the famous detective. I'm an on the edge kind of guy. When I..."

"Not now, Bullet!" cried Calvin. "We've got a case to solve. There's a villain in this pool, who could do all kinds of evil things!"

Bullet understood. "What do I have to do?"

"You question everyone out of the pool," instructed Calvin, "and I'll question everyone in the pool with Aqua Hobbes!"

While Bullet walked off, Calvin and Hobbes got into a submarine that seemingly appeared out of nowhere. When they submerged, it didn't look like a normal pool anymore. It was a vast ocean, spreading out in all directions.

"Ah, it's good to be in the ol' sub again!" breathed Calvin. "Cruising through the blue waters! Mysterious fathoms below!"

(To the tune of "Fathoms Below" from _The Little Mermaid_)

_**The villain is somewhere**_

_**The villain is mean**_

_**And it's a signal for us to go**_

_**Cause evil is lurking out in the chlorine**_

_**And mysterious fathoms below**_

"I always loved sea shanties myself," agreed Hobbes. Something caught his attention. "Hey, what's this?"

Calvin spoke slowly, as if talking to a small child. "That's the radar Hobbes. Us heros use that to detect things..."

"I know what it is! What's that ON the radar?"

Calvin took a look. "Unknown object. Could be an underwater mine."

"Well, we can't underestimate the villain," Hobbes pointed out. "He DID use sharks, after all."

Calvin shook it off. ""That was just a cartoony gag. I'm sure these things are just, uh, Ed-related..."

They heard an explosion off in the distance.

"Explosives?!" cried Calvin. "Ed-related explosives, perhaps?"

"I prefer not to ask and get out of here!" Hobbes tried to steer them out, but ran into a problem. "Look at the radar! Lots of green things!"

Calvin rolled his eyes and talked to Hobbes like a child again. "Those are other things that share the pool with us..."

"I know what they are! But if there are so many, that means we're surrounded!"

Calvin gulped and began to rock back and fourth, singing nervously:

_**Heave ho**_

_**Heave ho**_...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Above, on the surface in "reality," Bullet was bothering Snoopy. "So you're the silent type? I have ways of dealing with the silent type!" He checked his coat. "Curses! I appear to have left my little friend in the locker room. Can you wait a second?"

Snoopy shppk his head. After a pause, Bullet shoved him into the pool and ran off. "Ha! Don't mess with Bullet again or you'll get more of the same!"

Down in the deep chlorine, Snoopy entered the same underwater fanatasyland that Calvin was in. "Luckily, us great white sharks don't mind a little push as long as we can give them a good chomp later!" Snoopy thought to himself, imagining he was a shark in the vast ocean. "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the pool..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nearby, Calvin paced around in his sub. "We can't just sit here! But we're completely trapped!"

"Unless someone is stupid enough to trigger them..." Hobbes pointed out.

Outside, the Snoopy Shark swimming towards a mine.

"Hmm," thought Snoopy. "Could this be an odd fish competing for space with me, the most feared creature in the ocean? We'll soon take care of this problem!"

A few seconds later, Calvin heard a boom.

"Someone set them off!" shouted Hobbes. "It's a chain reaction!"

Calvin flailed his arms frantically. "Abort! Find the escape hatch!"

"We don't have one!" moaned Hobbes.

Calvin concentrated hard. Next to him, a door appeared. "We do now!" Taking a breath, he opened the door.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Susie was innocently swimming along on the surface when out burst Calvin into "reality," splashing her all over.

"What happened?" he gasped. "Where were the mines?"

Susie looked at him oddly. "There aren't any mines. I think you were down there too long."

"No, no, no!" cried Calvin, frantically splashing his little arms. "There were mines! And there's still a villain down there!" With nothing left to say, Calvin screamed "HEAVE HO!" and dove under.

Suddenly, he was back inside his submarine with Hobbes. "Good thing we always bring a backup sub. Let's go, Hobbes!"

_**Fathoms below, below**_

_**What's waiting for us I don't know**_

_**But I'll solve this case**_

_**So I will not lose face**_

_**In mysterious fathoms below!**_

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------_-----------------------------------_

Johnny was minding his own business, sitting innocently by the deep end, when Bullet came out of nowhere and began to poke him with Plank. His own friend!

"Admit to being the Pool Bandit!" shouted Bullet.

"Stop bugging us, dork!" called Kevin.

In response, Bullet began to poke him as well. "Ooh, you made my little friend mad!"

Johnny angrily grabbed Plank away. "That's MY little friend!"

As Bullet trudged off to interrogate more kids, Kevin nudged Johnny. "I think we've all had enough of Calvin."

Johnny slipped on a ball by the pool and fell in. He didn't come out.

"Hey," said Kevin, "that ball wasn't there a second ago..." He picked up Plank. "This thing always creeped me out." He tossed the wood into the pool, where it slowly sank.

Meanwhile, Bullet moved on to Jason and Marcus, who were sitting along the poolside, not really wanting to get in after all the pranks and attacks.

"We normally like you, Calvin," warned Jason, "but you're pushing it."

"Like I'm pushing you, you villain!" Bullet shot back.

Marcus was taken aback. "You think WE'RE the villains? We're your friends!"

Bullet simply turned his back on them. "I have no friends."

"Well!" cried Jason. "We don't need to stick around and here this!"

"We both brought a DS and we'll happily play elsewhere!" Marcus got up and left, followed by Jason.

Bullet was unfamiliar with video games. "A DS? What does that stand for? 'Dumb...Suckers?' That's it! They think I'm a sucker!" He swam closer and spied on the two boys. "They must be planning the attacks using those devices! Bullet will put a stop to this!"

Bullet sprang out of the pool armed with nothing but a kickboard he found nearby, only to be blocked by a mob of kids. He frantically pointed at Jason and Marcus. "Get those skinny stooges! They're the villains!" He sighed. "Oh, I hate being a stool pigeon..."

Rolf approached Bullet. "He-Who-Talks-To-Toys, the Urban Rangers and the fellow campers have declared you guilty of these pranks around the pool! At first, Rolf doubted this, as it was you who exposed Hulking Moe-Boy the last time, but your odd behavior makes you the most likely of performing such deeds!"

Bullet gasped as Jimmy and Sarah grabbed him by the arms and began to drag him towards the locker room. "I've been framed!" he struggled against the kids. "You're all in on this together! It's a conspiracy, I tell you!" He broke free of Jimmy, but Sarah kept a grip on him. The others closed in.

Rolf continued. "Because the evidence is still slim, we have decided to simply toss you out for the day. If you are later found innocent, we shall apologize and allow you to return, but for now, you may not enter! Goodbye!"

Sarah gave Bullet a hard shove, sending him sprawling and sliding across the wet floor. Dazed, he got to his feet. "I've dealt with pain, loss, and heartbreak before. It's all in the life of a detective...SO WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH?!" He sighed deeply and walked off, in an aimless direction. "It doesn't take pool water to show me that I'm all washed-up..."

Rolf watched him and turned away, with a slight feeling of guilt. Still, it was probably better that Calvin was out of everyone's hair for a while. "It's a shame that Ranger Johnny wasn't here to see this, Ranger Jimmy."

Jimmy nodded. "And Plank's gone, too! And look! Jason and Marcus disappeared!"

"This is certainly odd. But it is an odd day! Think nothing of it. Here's your..." Rolf was about to give Jimmy a "Threw Out a Pest" Badge, but his other Ranger had vanished. "Rolf smells a villain."

Nearby, completely unaware of what had just happened to Tracer Bullet, Calvin emerged from the "ocean" with Hobbes. "Aww, Hobbes, we haven't found a thing! No pranks, nothing!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "Maybe your crazy detective friend has an answer."

"That's it!" agreed Calvin. "But I don't see him." Reluctantly, he approached Nazz. "Normally, I don't talk to your cursed gender, but I gotta know. Have you seen Tracer Bullet?"

Nazz was astounded. "Dude, how did you do that? We just kicked you out!"

Lucy clenched her fists and headed over. "I think this is enough proof that Calvin's the jerk we're after!"

"Hobbes," squeaked Calvin, as the rest of the kids began to close in, "looks like it's the time of day when nothing makes sense and we run for it...I hate this time of day!"

Finding a gap in the mob, Calvin dove back into the pool. But instead of going into a fantasy ocean, he found himself simply flailing around in the pool's shallow end as the others pursued him.

"Where's the sub?" gasped Calvin. "Where'd you park it?"

"I thought YOU parked it!" cried Hobbes.

"Darn it, I knew we should have left the emergency lights on!" Calvin took a deep breath and swam under, avoiding the grasp of some other camper. Unfortunately, he was never a good swimmer (in fact, he was never a swimmer), and soon found himself literally over his head.

Although he had lost the kids, Calvin realized he was in a part of the pool where he couldn't touch (he was pretty short, after all). He turned to Hobbes, who was struggling as well. Before he could panic too much, someone reached in and pulled him out.

Relieved at first, Calvin realized he had been captured. He turned to his captor to find it was... "Linus! You know I didn't do this!"

Linus nodded. "I believe you, but they don't. Let's hide and figure this out."

From across the pool, they heard Lucy. "There he is! And my stupid brother's helping him!"

"Run!" shouted Linus.

The two boys (plus one stuffed tiger) took a rarely used doorway out and caught their breath in the halls.

"Let's just hope they're busy searching in the pool..." panted Linus.

Calvin began to pace again, trying to work the details out. "Something funny's going on. Between the disappearing mines, sub, and everyone's paranoia, someone can't be trusted..."

They heard grunting nearby. Entering the locker room was Eddy, lugging a huge crate labeled "pranks." "I wish the Koopas would have given me something less obvious..."

Calvin slammed the door before he could get inside. "Eddy! And Koopas! That explains it!"

"And so conveniently, too," added Hobbes.

Eddy dropped to his knees. "Ya got me! I'm sorry, but the Koopas made me an offer I couldn't refuse!"

"They promised cash?"

Eddy nodded. "By the barrelful! Look, I'll make this up to the guys, but I want that money!"

Calvin sighed. "Eddy..."

_**Koopas are villainous creatures**_

_**They're sneaky and evil and lie**_

_**Don't listen at all, that's how the best guys fall**_

_**But it's not too late for your repent**_

_**I swear, they won't give a cent**_

_**The jerks really tricked you**_

_**They don't plan to pay**_

_**Cause that's how their evil plots will go**_

_**But working with me**_

_**I'm sure there's gonna be**_

_**Happy endings in fathoms below!**_

"They were lying?" whined Eddy.

"Of course!" exclaimed Calvin. "But the only reason they'd have you do pranks for them is if it somehow helped them in the end...what do you think, Linus?"

Turning to who he thought was his friend, Calvin found himself facing the evil face of... "Bowser!"

"Surprised?" sneered the Koopa.

"Not really."

One of the Koopalings, the blue-haired Ludwig Von Koopa, scampered over. "You may have stopped Eddy from working for us, but we've already succeeded in capturing all the kids!"

Another Koopa, the pink bow-clad Wendy jumped out as well. "And YOU'RE the last ones!"

Bowser nodded proudly. "Those pranks all helped us, ya know! When the door was locked, we nabbed that yellow bird."

Wendy tossed Calvin over her shoulder (or whatever Koopas have) and began to head out. "When the everyone was green from food coloring, we blended in and caught a few that way!"

Ludwig dragged Hobbes by the tail. "Those water mines actually exploded into cages which formed around the victims. That's how we got the dog.

Bowser held the door (as well as Eddy) open for his kids as they carried Calvin and Hobbes outside. "And while everyone was distracted looking for you, we filled our truck the rest!"

"How did you get a truck?" asked Hobbes.

Bowser opened the waiting truck's doors. "We're monster reptiles. There are things you just gotta accept sometimes."

Calvin, Hobbes, and Eddy were flung into the truck, which was filled with all the other kids. Before the kids got a good look at the Koopas, the truck was slammed shut.

"Who would ever want to kidnap us?" sobbed Jimmy.

Double D waved to his friends. "Hello, Calvin. Enjoying your day?"

"To an extent."

"That better not be YOU touching me, Ed!" warned Eddy.

"I think it is Nazz."

"Sweet!"

"No, wait, it's me."

The front of the truck, meanwhile, was a two-seater, yet Bowser and his eight kids were crammed in.

"Did you really have to bring the whole family for this?" complained Wendy.

"Of course I did!" nodded Bowser, who was having trouble moving due to the crowding, "I want you kids to be proud of this triumph!"

"So what do we do with them?" asked Roy.

"Don't know yet. I'm just gonna drive and think."

To the Koopas surprise, Tracer Bullet, who had witnessed the kidnaping, jumped onto the truck's windshield. "Freeze, scum!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" screamed Wendy, as if screaming about a bug, "Get rid of it! Get rid of it!"

"Turn on the windshield wipers!" suggested Ludwig.

"I hardly have room to steer!" cried Bowser.

The truck swerved a few times, then tipped over. The back opened up, and all the kids scrambled out and ran for it. Calvin and Hobbes paused to wave to Bullet.

"Not bad, considering I just stood there and yelled," smiled Bullet. "Time to teach these turtles a lesson." Bearing his little fists, Bullet jumpped into the truck.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back at the pool, peace was restored. No one really questioned who the Koopas were, most kids, aside from the few who had dealt with them on a personal basis, decided it was best not to know. To be nice, Calvin decided not to tell them that Eddy had helped cause all the trouble. He was just naive.

Since it was almost time to go, Rolf decided to call a quick meeting with the kids and give Calvin the public apology that had been promised. Along with this came the special "Found Innocent" badge, which was award to Rangers and non-Rangers alike. Actually, Calvin had several of these from his various adventures.

As everyone was leaving the pool, Calvin ran over to the former villain. "Hey, Eddy?"

"Yeah?"

"If you KNOW the Koopas are evil, and you KNOW you can't trust them...STOP TALKING TO THEM!"

"That's dirty money, anyway," added Hobbes.

Eddy sulked away. "But everyone knows that's the best kind..."

As Eddy left, Tracer Bullet, back from bothering the Koopas, approached them. "Well, I guess we proved that I'm a good detective after all."

Hobbes looked at him oddly. "You certainly saved us, but you didn't use any detective skills."

"Yeah," agreed Calvin, "and the only way we figured out who the villains were was by luck!"

"Oh," said Bullet. "Doesn't matter. I guess I'll be going back to where I came from."

"You're going on your own?" this surprised Calvin. "Usually, I have to send you there myself."

"Occasionally we know what we're doing," shrugged Bullet. He began to head off into the sunset, his body beginning to fade.

"One more thing," called Calvin. "Do you know why only Snoopy, Hobbes, and I could see the water mines? "

Bullet turned back. "You three see the world in a different way than the others do sometimes. But that doesn't mean what you see isn't real."

"I don't like it if it works that way with the Koopas."

"It works on good things, too. As long as you have more good than bad, you'll be fine. And those good things will always be a part of you," by now, he had completely vanished. His voice lingered for one second. "Well, I gotta get going."

"See you later!" waved Calvin. "It's nice when they don't wreak havoc. I wonder what he meant by that stuff, though."

"Don't think about it too much," Hobbes assured him. "We've got other things to do, anyway. Didn't you want to have a GROSS meeting?"

"Did I ever!" Calvin and Hobbes eagerly scampered back to camp.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That night, the Koopa's truck was still by the road, with the reptiles still crammed inside.

"I can't move," grunted Bowser.

"This is why we need bigger trucks!" yelled Roy.

"Or less family gatherings," added Ludwig.

"I say both!" screeched Wendy.

"No one asked you!" growled Bowser. "Uh-oh. I just lost feeling in my legs. That's probably not good..."

"That better not be YOU touching me, Roy!" yelled Wendy.

* * *

Woo, that was fun to write. I think this was actually better than the first one, although I like the first one more. If that made any sense...

A couple of scenes were cut from the first draft (which was started a while ago but only finished recently). In one, Bullet mentions having a friend back in the city that looks like Hobbes, implying I wanted to use a Hobbes-Bullet character. Let's all be happy that never happened.

A different scene played out like this:

**Calvin: Was the villain Moe? I thought it was Sideshow Bob.**

**Hobbes: No, it was Moe.**

**Calvin: Oh...it would have been fun if it was Sideshow Bob...**

Problem was, I used the same joke in "Calvin's Haunted House," with Wario instead of Sideshow Bob. I think Wario's funnier, anyway. That, and seeing as Wario actually appeared in the series, he makes more sense.


	28. CAMP

To go with the recent "Hidden Temple" spoof, here's a parody of another TV series, "LOST". If I offend any die-hard fans with this loose, silly parody, I'm sorry.

* * *

Calvin trudged into camp one morning, feeling very tired. He had stayed up late the last night to watch some drama on TV. He wasn't sure what had happened in it, as you sort of needed to watch all the episodes of the series for it to really make sense...and even then it was confusing!

With heavy eyes and questions swarming in his head, Calvin managed to pull himself up onto a chair with Hobbes. "I told you to go to bed earlier," nagged the tiger.

"Not even my sugar-coated breakfast can wake me up!" groaned Calvin. "And that series is still bugging me! Will they ever get off the island?"

Eddy walked by. "Not if Gilligan has anything to do with it!"

"No...it wasn't THAT show...it was..." unable to stay awake, Calvin's head drooped forward onto the table, and he fell fast asleep.

"He's kind of cute when he's not talking," remarked Hobbes.

"Get a room!" shouted Eddy, walking off.

"I was being sarcastic!" Hobbes followed Eddy out of the room.

"I learned years ago sarcasm didn't work on him..." sighed Double D.

Ed stayed behind to watch Calvin. "Dream sequence!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Indeed, Calvin began to dream. He suddenly opened his eyes to find himself sitting on a beach near a tropical jungle. The ocean was nearby and the sun was setting. All around him were the kids from camp, all looking very worried. "What happened?" cried Calvin.

"We just had a plane crash," Hobbes motioned to the flaming wreck of a plane a few feet away. "We're on an uncharted island."

Calvin got to his feet. "That's weird, I don't remember being on a plane. Who's the pilot?"

Hobbes pointed to Johnny and Plank, who were standing near them. Johnny was wearing a pilot's uniform and was yelling at Plank, who wore a little pair of plastic wings. "You were supposed to wake me if I fell asleep!"

"Uh," said Calvin, "is everyone okay?"

Hobbes nodded. "Yes, I think so."

Suddenly, a giant smog cloud rolled out of the jungle. Forming into a smoggy hand, it reached out, grabbed Johnny, and retreated into the grove of trees.

"...except for the pilot," winced Hobbes.

"Johnny!" cried Sally.

"Save the pilot!" shouted Ed. He and most of the kids chased the smog into the jungle.

Charlie Brown and Linus stood elsewhere, looking into the sky at the edge of the beach. "I wonder why we're here..." mused Charlie Brown.

"Perhaps we all did something bad to get here..." suggested Linus.

Charlie Brown suddenly flashed back to a moment he had blocked off in his mind...

_He had been running at Lucy, trying to kick the football. Woops! Lucy pulled it away. Charlie Brown flew through the air and landed with a sickening THUD. Lucy walked over to him, but before she could say an innocent once-liner, he grabbed a nearby tree branch and..._

With a gasp, Charlie Brown snapped out of it and turned back to Linus. "I don't know what you're talking about."

The kids who had gone into the jungle sadly returned. "We couldn't find Johnny..." announced Nazz.

Sally nodded. "We were too afraid to go very far!"

Lucy took charge. "Everyone! Let's all get to work on building bamboo huts and figuring out all the foods we can make out of coconuts! We don't have time to worry about the missing pilot!"

Obeying Lucy, everyone got to work.

Sarah immediately chose a fight with Calvin. "Watch it, Calvin! I saw that bamboo first!"

"You don't own the bamboo!" Calvin shot back.

"Oh yeah?!"

They were about to go at it when Schroder broke them up. "Stop it! We can't focus on fighting now! We have to survive!"

Jason stepped out from behind a tree. "Here, Sarah," he said soothingly. "I made you some coconut milk."

Sarah snatched the drink. "Thanks."

"Come with us," Marcus said in a low voice. "We have lots more coconut creations to try..."

"Over 1,000, to be exact," grinned Jason. The three disappeared in the crowd.

Hobbes was suspicious. "They sure do have a lot of food, seeing as we crashed five minutes ago."

Schroder nudged Calvin. "I don't remember them on the plane..."

Suddenly, the smog returned from the jungle. Everyone backed up, scared of what it was planning on doing next.

Ed gasped and pointed. "It is the Smog Monster from...from..."

"_Attack of the Smog Monster_?" guessed Calvin, coming up with a random movie title.

"No," said Ed, "I think it was _The Smog Monster Attacks."_

To everyone's surprise, the smog began to take the form of a shape...no, wait, three shapes. Three terrifying shapes that the kids from camp all knew very well. Although each figure was made completely out of smog, the shapes were already infamous to the kids.

"Smog Kankers?!" cried Eddy.

"New guys on the island, huh?" hissed the Smog Marie in an echoey version of her normal voice.

"The bald kid wasn't that great," said the Smog Lee, "but these guys look a little better!"

"Let's kiss 'em!" cried the Smog May.

"Drop the bamboo and RUN!!!" shouted Lucy.

Bolting off, the kids all hid behind one tree as the Smog Kankers approached. The Smog Marie looked around. "Where'd they go?!"

Calvin peeked out. The island looked so beautiful at sunset, if one ignored the fact that they were all stranded and about to be killed by Smog Kankers.

"Check the tree!" suggested the Smog May, pointing at the kids' hiding place.

"They wouldn't be stupid enough to hide behind a tree!" said the Smog Lee.

"Let's go to the jungle!" Laughing, the Smog Kankers flew off.

Lucy stepped out from her hiding place and acted as if nothing had happened. "Well, back to work!"

"We can't get back to work!" cried Calvin. "What if the Smog Kankers come back?"

"And what if they don't?" argued Lucy. "We could be here a while."

Snoopy grinned suggestively. "Will we have to re-start civilization?" he asked, nuzzling up against Lucy.

Everyone stared in shock at the beagle. "YOU TALKED!"

"Hmm?" Snoopy looked up innocently. "So I did. Pity I have nothing to say."

"Apparently, this island gives some of us powers," said Linus. "Very interesting indeed. Although I still think we all did something bad to get us here..."

It was then that Snoopy had his own flashback. _He had crashed his Flying Ace plane and didn't know what was going to happen to him. He grabbed his only comrade, Woodstock, and thought to himself, "Sorry, partner. We all have to make sacrifices." With that, he opened his mouth and..._

Snoopy snapped out of it. "You're delusional! There must be another reason! Now, if you'll excuse me, this talking dog is hungry. I believe it's almost SUPPERTIME!"

With that, Snoopy burst into song:

_**It's suppertime!**_

_**Yeah, it's suppertime!**_

_**Oh, it's sup-sup suppertime very best time of day**_

As Snoopy continued to sing, Calvin headed off into the jungle, followed by Hobbes. "Snoopy singing isn't so weird," grumbled Calvin. "I've had a talking tiger since forever, and no one ever freaked out about that!"

"What are you doing?" whispered Hobbes. "We can't go in there! The Smog Kankers are in there! Besides, the sun's set! You'll get lost!"

"I wanna see what's going on here!" insisted Calvin. "There's more to this island than meets the eye!"

"Well, DUH! We were attacked by Smog Kankers!"

Calvin nodded and walked deeper into the grove. "That's what I'm saying! We have to solve these mysteries! Who are the Smog Kankers? Where are we? What happened to Johnny?"

"And why haven't YOU sampled our coconut milk?" said a voice. Calvin whirled around to see that Jason and Marcus had been waiting for him, hiding in a tree.

Jason climbed down and held out a glass of milk. "We made smoooooooothies..."

Calvin backed away, disturbed at how creepy the two boys were acting. "You guys weren't on the plane, were you?"

Jason inched towards him. "Talk is cheap. Drinking is priceless."

Suddenly, a huge brown bear jumped out and roared at Jason and Marcus, scaring them away. "Jerks," muttered the bear. He turned to Calvin and Hobbes. "Welcome to the island, runts!"

"Who are you?" gaped Calvin.

"I'm The Bear! 'The,' by the way, is part of my name. SO DON'T FORGET IT!"

Calvin hesitantly took a step forward. "Well, thanks...The Bear. Are you a native?"

"More or less," shrugged The Bear. "Ya know, kid, I'd be pretty darn proud if I were you. You got a gift."

"The gift of a shrill, annoying voice?" grumbled Hobbes.

"That," nodded The Bear, "and he's got powers! I can sense 'em."

Calvin's eyes widened. "Powers? What powers?" he cried eagerly. Then, he narrowed his eyes. "Wait, I could have been able to tell if I had powers!"

"Oh really?" growled The Bear. "Pick up that branch over there."

Calvin started to walk to it, until The Bear roared, "MOVE AND I MAUL YOU! I meant pick it up with your brain."

"Since when does he have one of those?" laughed Hobbes.

Ignoring his tiger, Calvin concentrated hard. The branch rose to his surprise, and then flew at him, continuously smacking him in the head. "My powers are working against me!"

The Bear was amused. "You just ain't used to them. The island is bringing them out. I'm a professional trainer, though. I can train anyone to do anything! And I think I'll train you to do all there is to do with your mind!"

Calvin was reluctant. "This better not be like school."

The Bear smiled, showing all his teeth. "I bet schools don't have TRAINING MONTAGES! Let's get started!"

At that moment, They heard another roar in the distance. The Bear looked up. "Uh-oh. Here comes The Bear."

"I thought YOU were The Bear," said Hobbes.

"I'm The Brown Bear. This is The Polar Bear. And he don't like people much. Or tigers. Heck, he hates tigers more than humans!"

The Polar Bear thundered out of the trees, bounding at Calvin and Hobbes.

"I'd suggest you run," said The Brown Bear.

Calvin and Hobbes make a mad dash through the jungle, followed by the Polar Bear, who briefly turned back to the Brown Bear. "Hey, man, gimme some love."

Watching The Polar Bear resume his chase into the woods, The Brown Bear sadly sat down. "I never get to do a training montage..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Back on the moonlit beach, Kevin paced back and fourth with Lucy by a tent. "I sent Ed and Eddy into the jungle to look for Calvin and Hobbes," Lucy told someone in the tent.

"I don't get it!" complained Kevin. "Why do we want those dorks, anyway, commander?"

A chair in the tent whirled around to reveal Snoopy. "Because I say no man gets left behind! It's not so much Calvin I need...it's Hobbes. That tiger is one of my best friends."

"He's best friends with a stuffed animal?" Kevin murmured to Lucy. "This guy lives a sad life..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eddy walked through the jungle with Ed, looking for Calvin and Hobbes. "What an idiot! He's not safe out here with those Smog Kankers! What kind of moron just walks off into the jungle?"

"I miss Calvin, Eddy!" cried Ed.

Eddy scanned the trees, but saw nothing. "I don't see him or the tiger. I say we go back to camp, get yelled at by Snoopy (never thought I'd say that) and forget this whole thing!"

As he headed back, Eddy stumbled onto something. It was the door to a hatch, which certainly seemed out of place. "Hey! What jerk left this hatch door around in the jungle so I could trip over it?"

"What if Calvin and Hobbes got locked in?" wondered Ed.

Eddy slapped his forehead. "Aw, geez! I can't leave them in there! Hobbes will probably eat Calvin! Wait, that's really funny. Let's go, Ed."

Ed had an idea. "No! We will get dynamite and blast him out! Just like in _The Rolling Fudgemen_! I will not fail, Calvin! NUMBERS ARE BAD!" Ed bounded off for supplies.

"Dy-no-mite..." muttered Eddy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin and Hobbes were hiding under a log from The Polar Bear deeper in the jungle. "Well," shivered Calvin, "at least we get to get really dirty. Wherever we are, that's a plus."

"I'll check to see if The Polar Bear's gone," said Hobbes. He peeked out and then turned to Calvin. "I have good news and bad news. The Polar Bear's gone..."

Suddenly, smog seeped into their hiding place and Calvin and Hobbes found themselves pulled out and dangled high above the ground. "...but some other friends came to play."

The smog once again took shape of the Kankers, who had combined their lower bodies into one big cloud, which held onto the boy and his tiger. From inside the smog, Calvin could see Johnny still floating around. "Help me, guys!"

The Marie portion of the smog pointed to Calvin. "How old are you, kid?"

"Currently six."

"And you?" the Smog Lee asked Hobbes.

"A tiger never reveals his age."

"Aww," complained the Smog May, "six is too young and I don't wanna kiss a tiger!"

"Why don't you want to kiss me?" Hobbes was suddenly offended. "The Smog is prejudice!"

"I'm going to try to reason with them," said Calvin. "I'll be sure to speak slowly and keep the sentences short," he turned to the Smog Kankers. "Where...are...we?"

"Your worst nightmare!" chorused the Smog.

"Literally!" added the Smog Marie.

"Figures," sighed Calvin.

Suddenly, before they could strike, the Smog Kankers were vacuumed down a pipe.

"We're saved!" cheered Calvin. Unfortunaltly, they weren't happy for long. With no one holding them, they fell and landed in a cage, which immediately shut. Three shadowy figures (who were not the Smog Kankers) began to wheel them away.

"Something tells me we were better of with the Smog," muttered Hobbes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Snoopy relaxed under the moonlight back on the beach, contemplating to himself. "I have the ability to speak, I'm the new commander, and Round-Headed Kid's feeding me every hour on the hour!"

"Snoopy," said Charlie Brown, approaching with his supper dish, "my name is really..."

"Away with you! This beagle must think. I have everything any quadruped would want...but I'm not happy. What am I missing?"

Lucy sat nearby with Linus, listening in on the dog. "I always knew Snoopy was crazy. Now we get to hear it."

"I still think we all did something bad to get here," insisted Linus.

_Lucy leaned on Schroder's piano, attempting to flirt with him as she always did. He simply tipped her off, like every day. But this time was different. She grabbed the Beethoven statue, raised it over Schroder and..._

"The only person crazier than Snoopy is you!" cried Lucy. "Case closed."

Linus got up and walked off into the jungle. "I think I should help Ed and Eddy..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin woke up to find himself strapped down in a laboratory. Sunlight poured through some small windows above him, which meant that it must be morning.

A dark figure rose over him. A blue-haired boy in a lab coat. "Rolf welcomes you. He can tell that you are a special one..."

"Thanks for noticing, I think."

"We are The Others," Rolf introduced himself as Jason and Marcus approached Calvin.

"We could have drugged you and done this the easy way, you know," shrugged Marcus, holding up a coconut.

"I knew it!" cried Calvin, struggling on the lab table. "I knew you two couldn't be trusted!"

"That's pretty obvious," grinned Jason. "I mean, who offers coconut milk to people, anyway?"

"Ah, but you are not the only one on this island with powers, Calvin..." Rolf motioned to Plank, who was strapped down next to Calvin.

"Plank!" gasped Calvin. "I should have known. Listen, you Others, I have questions about this island! First, where did the Bears come from?"

"We kept them in cages and performed experiments until they escaped," explained Marcus.

"Really?" Calvin was disappointed. "That's kind of anticlimactic."

"There's also The Black Bear, who doesn't really do much," Jason motioned to a black bear is sitting in the corner.

"Da," grumbled the bear in a thick Russian accent.

Calvin seemed to accept this. "Okay, and who are the Smog Kankers?"

"We kept them in cages too," said Marcus.

"Didn't take them long to figure out they could get through bars," grumbled Jason.

"That makes sense," said Calvin, "sort of. And what are you going to do with me?"

"We...we..." Rolf tried to remember why they wanted Calvin in the first place. "This is embarrassing."

At that moment, the Smog Kankers flew in through the window. "Try putting us in cages again, will ya?" growled the Smog Lee.

Rolf stared in confusion at Jason and Marcus. "You two put them BACK in their cages?!"

"We were kinda hoping they'd forgotten how to escape," shrugged Jason. The Others backed up against the wall as the Smog Kankers flew around, trashing the lab.

Calvin was still struggling. If he didn't escape, either the Smog Kankers or the Others would get him! "I have to use my powers, but I don't know how! Just concentrate..."

Thinking hard, Calvin managed to become unstrapped, grabbed Plank, and ran for it. "Let's go, Plank!"

The Others and the Smog Kankers noticed him escaping chased him. Calvin used his powers to form bars over the doorway to block their path. He found out he was in a strange shack-like building.

Running down the hall, Calvin found three cages dangling from the ceiling. The first one held Hobbes labeled "Tiger Species Unknown---Needs Further Study," the next one helds Johnny and read "Possible Smog Baby," and the third held Sarah and read "Wild Animal."

"Don't forget about us!" called Hobbes.

"They think I came out of those smoggy things!" cried Johnny. "You know I'm normal!"

"Well," said Calvin, "some could argue with that." He let Johnny and Plank out but paused at Sarah's cage "'Wild Animal,'" he read the label. "I love it."

Sarah rattled the bars. "Let me out!"

"You know," Calvin grinned slyly. "I'm really not sure. You've caused a lot of trouble for me and my friends before, so now..."

Sarah's cage opened by itself. Gulping, Calvin turned to Plank. "You did that, didn't you?"

Sarah chased Calvin when the Others and the Smog Kankers arrived. "No time to hurt me now!" Calvin called to his female attacker.

Calvin, Hobbes, Sarah, Johnny, and Plank took off running again, but fell under rotting floorboards down to the basement. The Others and the Smog Kankers peered down at them. In the basement sat a large spaceship.

"Oh, look," Jason said calmly. "It's our escape ship."

Rolf glared at him. "WHAT escape ship?"

"We couldn't figure out the right way to tell you..." Marcus smiled sheepishly.

"We had to leave!" exclaimed Jason. "There's no Internet on this island!"

Without hesitation, Calvin, Hobbes, Johnny, Plank, and Sarah piled into the ship.

"I have no idea what I'm doing, and I DON'T CARE!" Taking controls, Calvin burst through the lab ceiling and flew across the island.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Ed, Eddy and Linus were investigating the hatch. "Do we really need so much dynamite?" asked Linus.

Eddy knocked on the hatch. "Hey, this thing looks pretty solid. Okay, Ed. Go as far as the wires will take you and then blast this thing!"

"Roger! Oops. I mean, Eddy!" Ed lumbered off.

"Those are pretty long wires," remarked Linus, looking at the dynamite.

"We don't wanna be anywhere near this when it blows!" said Eddy.

Linus opened the hatch. "Or, it could be unlocked."

"Or that," grumbled Eddy. He and Linus climbed the ladder down to find themselves in a dark room with odd-looking equitment.

"Calvin! Hobbes!" called Eddy. "You in here?"

"Apparently not," Linus looked around. "But what an interesting place! I wonder why it's here. I still think..."

"Blah, blah. You think we all did something bad. Well, if that's true, did YOU ever do anything bad?"

_Linus was relaxing with his blanket one lazy summer day when Snoopy ran out of nowhere, grabbed it in his jaws, and swung Linus around. With a growl, Linus grabbed the beagle's neck._

"_Listen, you mutt!" he hissed. "I've put up with your little games for too long. You're about to see what I can do with my bare hands!"_

"I suppose you're right," Linus came back to reality. "My idea is silly. I wonder what this does..."

Linus pressed a button. A TV screen lit up to reveal Double D and Susie in lab coats on black and white video. The date was at the bottom of the screen, 1972.

"Hello," said Susie, "I am Professor Derkins and this is my associate, Double D."

"We are here to explain the purpose of the hatch," said Double D, "but instead, we may only confuse you more with odd plot twists and red herrings."

"Boring!" Eddy started to climb the ladder. "Let's get outta here."

"Okay, Eddy," called Ed from outside, "I'm ready to blast!"

"Wait!" Eddy scrambled up the ladder faster. "Don't! We're still in here!"

BOOM! Linus, Eddy, and Ed were blown into the air by the explosion.

"That dynamite WAS powerful!" gasped Linus. "Ed was on the other side of the island, and he was blown, too!"

Double D and Susie flew next to them in midair. "It blew us out from the 70's!" cried Susie.

"Pray tell," said Double D, "who is the current president?"

Soaring across the island, they all landed on the spaceship, which was ready to take off. Calvin turned to them. "Good! Everyone's here!" He helped Susie, Linus and the Eds inside.

Snoopy suddenly tackled Calvin out of nowhere. "Nooo! We can't leave the island! I have the gift of speech here!"

"What are you talking about?" cried Lucy. "This whole time, you've been complaining that you had nothing to say!"

"Ah, but that was before I found the perfect person to say things to!" Snoopy embraced Marcie. "Once we leave, how can I whisper sweet nothings into her ear? I'll do everything caninely possible to sabotage this escape!"

Marcie looked Snoopy in the eyes. "Flying Ace, we need to leave! I want to see my home again!"

"Fine..." sighed Snoopy. "I suppose if it was for the good of my common campers and my future bride..."

Marcie blinked. "Future what?"

"...then we can go."

Everyone cheered.

"Besides," added Snoopy, "we dogs are great at romancing nonverbally! I was given this long tongue for a reason, you know!"

Calvin blasted the ship off just as Jason, Marcus, and Rolf arrived. Rolf dropped to his knees and screeched with rage. "Curse you, Calvin and Plank!"

"Well," Jason started to head off, "I guess we'll have to build another ship."

"In the meantime," Marcus joined him, "let's get back to what we were doing before they crashed."

"What was that, again?" wondered Jason.

"Rolf doesn't even care anymore."

The Smog Kankers and The Polar Bear suddenly burst out from the woods.

"Well, I'm pretty sure we were dodging them!" yelled Jason. "RUN!"

"Let's kiss 'em!" suggested the Smog May.

The Smog Marie nodded. "It's the good life, girls!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin finally got to relax as he piloted the ship home. "Well," Hobbes lounged next to him, "I guess this answers your _LOST_ questions."

"Huh?"

"You know, _LOST_," Hobbes was getting no reaction from Calvin. "That show you were confused about?"

"Oh that," said Calvin. "I wasn't watching _LOST_, I was watching _Survivor_!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back at camp, in real life, Calvin was still fast asleep. Moe spied him and got ready to attack. "Pounding a sleeping wimp. Doesn't get any better than that..."

Suddenly, Calvin sat up. "WOW! WHAT A DREAM!"

This startled Moe. The bully backed up, tripped over a chair, and fell over unconscious.

"What's his problem?" asked Calvin.

Hobbes walked over. "I don't know. Maybe he didn't get enough sleep."

"Well, I sure did! And I had the greatest dream! But the best uncharted islands are the kinds you find at your own summer camp, preferably indoors! Let's start looking, Hobbes!"

* * *

It's been a while since we've seen The Bear. I think his only other two appearences were in "Hobbes of the Wild" and the Hercules parody. He's actually the creation of Sam of Shadowdale, not mine. He was also supposed to appear in "The Brave Little Tiger" in the forest scene, but I don't think that story is ever going to happen.

I broke a few "rules" in this story, such as a talking Snoopy and the Smog Kankers being able to "see" Hobbes, but the fact it was all a dream cancels that out, I hope.


	29. March of the Grotesques

Here's the anual Halloween Special!

* * *

At the campus where Calvin and the others went to camp, there was an amazing building. It was built to look like an old castle, and had was covered in gargoyles, grotesques, griffons, and one owl. Although they are traditionally used to prevent evil spirits, the building had its share of bad luck.

Twice, it had been struck by lightning, sending one particular grotesque tumbling to the ground. Both times. In order to prevent a third time, which could have been its last, the grotesque was placed in a garden next to the castle, as a mascot of sorts.

Sadly, one day, its smiling face vanished. Some young vandal had stolen it. And there, the lonely, headless grotesque sat, smiling no more. No one ever did find out who stole the head...someone who had no regard to the feelings of stone.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Did I ever tell you guys about the time my brother stole a gargoyle's head?" Eddy asked his friends one morning. Before long, they found themselves walking towards the castle, Eddy leading the way and narrating his brother's other exploits.

"...and then he chugged all the bananas in one sitting!"

"Eddy's brother is the man!" cheered Ed.

Calvin shivered. "Geez, it's cold this morning. That's a bad sign in the summer, especially with all the issues of Global Warming. It must be a mood-setting element for a Halloween Special!"

"I just live with him," Hobbes whispered to Jason.

"Calvin is the man!" Ed cheered again.

"Calvin's right," said Jason. "Eddy, if your brother stole a gargoyle's head, he could be in trouble. Gargoyles hold the world's biggest grudges.

"Gargoyles are the..." began Ed, before Eddy smacked him.

"So, Jason, Marcus," said Double D, "what do you two know about gargoyles, anyway? Care to share some interesting folklore?"

Marcus rolled his eyes. "You wouldn't believe us."

Double D insisted. "I find superstitions silly to believe but fascinating to hear about. Do tell us."

Jason grinned. "Cue the music!"

(To the tune of "Heffalumps and Woozles")

Jason: _**A really tough gargoyle is so hard to foil**_

_**Especially when it carries a grudge**_

Jason and Marcus: _**Grudge, grudge, grudge**_

Marcus: _**By night or day or sunset**_

_**They will have their fun yet**_

_**They'll catch you even when they only trudge**_

Jason: _**They're dangerous when they're mad**_

_**When they're not, they're still bad**_

_**They're not the kind of guys that you should cross**_

Jason and Marcus:_** Cross, cross, cross**_

Marcus: _**You might live if you charm them**_

_**But if you do harm them**_

_**They'll grab you and they'll show you who's the boss**_

Jason: _**They're strong**_

Marcus: _**They bite**_

Jason: _**They growl**_

Marcus: _**They're nuts**_

Jason: _**They sneak**_

Marcus: _**Real well**_

Both: _**They'll rip out your guts**_

Jason: _**Don't steal a limb, or any part**_

Marcus: _**They'll remember that, cause they're really smart**_

Jason and Marcus: _**Beware, beware, beware, beware...**_

_**BEWARE!**_

By this time, they had reached the castle. "Thank you for that grim little number," said Double D.

Above the castle, they could see several statues smiling down at them. It was hard to describe exactly what they looked like, they were similar to large, grinning bats without wings, only normal arms. Sticking out of the castle's walls were a few long-necked gargoyles sticking out.

Sitting above the entrance to the castle was a large stone owl, meant to represent wisdom.

And there, sitting the courtyard, was another batlike statue, this one headless. Eddy happily pointed to it. "Here we are! Check out the gargoyle! Only ya can't check out its head! Cause my brother took it!"

Calvin appeared sympathetic. "Gee, I'd hate it if someone took off MY head."

"As would we all, Calvin," agreed Double D. "Vandalism is nothing to applaud. Besides, Eddy, that's not a gargoyle at all. It's a grotesque."

"You bet it's grotesque! Without the head. CAUSE MY BROTHER TOOK IT!"

"No, no, no," explained Double D, "gargoyles serve as waterspouts in addition to architecture. Grotesques do not."

Hobbes looked nervous. "All these gargoyles or grotesques or whatever you call them are making my fur stand on end. I'd rather go back to camp, warm up and eat some tuna."

"I'm with Hobbes," said Marcus. "Except for the tuna part."

"Don't be a chicken! Check me out, boys!" Grinning, Eddy climbed up on top of the headless grotesque. "I'M KING OF THE GOYLE!"

Suddenly, Eddy was being squeezed tightly by two stone hands. It took everyone a second to realize that he was being held by the statue!

"Sorry," Eddy corrected himself, "grotesque."

Ed clapped his hands. "Way cool! I want to be hugged by a statue! Only they would understand me."

"We told you!" cried Jason in terror. "Our song served a purpose!"

Eddy managed to wriggle out of the grotesque's grip. "But my brother took the head, not me! I don't even know where it is!"

"Eddy," reasoned Double D, "perhaps your brother looked like you at the time he stole it."

The horrible thought registered with Eddy. "Uh-oh."

Pointing a gray finger at them, the grotesque stretched out its legs and began to march forward.

Calvin took a step back. "Could be worse, right? Right?"

And, of course, whenever someone says that, things ALWAYS get worse! Indeed, above them, all of the other grotesques and gargoyles snapped to attention and lumbered out of their normal positions. The gargoyles pulled themselves out of the wall, revealing long, lizardlike bodies.

Being no idiots (not even Ed), the kids took off running.

Eddy yelled to Hobbes, "You're the tiger, bite them or something!"

"Ever sink your teeth into stone?" cried Hobbes. "It hurts!"

"Who's pathetic enough to bite a rock?" wondered Jason.

Calvin laughed. "I played a prank on him. It was hilarious."

In response, Hobbes tripped Calvin, leaving him behind as they ran. "Well, now you're gravel bait!"

Calvin scrambled up and grabbed Hobbes by the tail, pulling him back. "If I get killed by a stone owl, you're going down with me!"

Calvin and Hobbes started to fight. Everyone else stopped running for a second and looked back. The gargoyles and grotesques hadn't followed him.

"They are gone!" cheered Ed. "We are alive! Break out the gravy!"

"Odd," murmured Double D, "they have indeed vanished. Perhaps they were only trying to scare us."

They all turned to see Eddy rocking back and fourth, nervously.

"Sure worked on one of the group," said Jason.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That night, Eddy had Ed and Double D over to his house. He had a feeling that the grotesques weren't done with him yet.

"Thanks for staying with me, guys," he said to his friends as they spread out in his bedroom. "I can't believe Calvin and those other jerks didn't show up!"

"Don't be too hard on them," said Double D. "After all, being chased around by figures of stone can certainly rattle one's nerves."

Ed bounced around happily. "We are in Eddy's top friends! Can we hold hands and share ghost stories?"

"Shut up, Ed!" growled Eddy. "This better not be one of those things where it wants my head in return!"

Double D looked uncertain. "It certainly seems like it, sadly. But I wouldn't worry too much, Eddy. After all, I doubt the gargoyles and grotesques will follow you home."

At that moment, the stone owl from the castle smashed through the window! It flew around the room, trying to dive bomb Eddy.

Eddy's eyes bugged out. "They're here!"

Ed opened Eddy's bedroom door to reveal a few smaller stone creatures, which looked like small dragons. "You have visitors, Eddy!"

"Gargoyles!"

"Actually," corrected Double D, "aside from the owl, the two beasts are actually Griffins. You can tell by..."

"I could care less!" exclaimed Eddy.

Ed tried to hug a Griffin, which squirmed away. "It's a real party now!"

At that momet, Jason, Marcus, Calvin, and Hobbes jumped into the room through the window! "No," said Jason, "NOW it's a party!"

Calvin looked at the Griffins. "Yikes, these are worse than the monsters under our bed!"

"We've been waiting out here all night!" called Marcus, as he shoved one of the rocky figures off of Eddy.

Hobbes pounced on the owl, who clawed at him frantically and flapped away, somehow able to fly. "Ouch! I'd rather be fighting a fish!"

The owl was too distracted in escaping Hobbes to notice Calvin coming from the rear, armed with a net. "I've got one of them!" Calvin threw the net down over the owl.

Undaunted, the owl took off out the window, dragging Calvin (still holding the net) behind him. Hobbes snagged Calvin's leg and flew off as well. "I'm with you!"

The Griffins, which had pinned Eddy, noticed the owl escaping and followed it out the window and into the night.

"Bye, Calvin and Hobbes!" called Ed.

Double D gasped. "Horrors! Our friends have been captured!"

"In a sense, I guess," said Jason.

"It's not them the grotesque wants," reasoned Marcus, "it's Eddy."

"Don't remind me!" yelled Eddy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin and Hobbes, holding tightly onto the net, found themselves being dragged over the lagoon. They looked up to see the castle in the distance. Although the lights were all off, it had a greenish glow emitting from it.

"We should let go now," said Calvin.

"We should really let go," agreed Hobbes.

"Definitely."

But they held on still. When they reached the castle, the owl shook off the net. Calvin and Hobbes landed on the roof and were surrounded by grotesques and gargoyles from every side.

"We should have let go."

"We absolutely should have let go."

The creatures reached out with stone hands and claws, and it all went black.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning at camp, the others stood outside, waiting for some sign that their friends were okay. Double D frantically paced back and fourth. "Oh, worry, worry, worry! Calvin and Hobbes aren't back! I shudder to think what those monsters have done with them!"

"Who'd want Calvin's head, anyway?" wondered Jason.

Marcus shook his head. "I don't know, a tiger's head would be pretty cool."

"Totally," grinned Jason.

"Just like Carni-Man and the Panthers!" beamed Ed, seemingly oblivious to the whole situation.

"Don't go blaming ME for this!" Eddy said stubbornly. "It was my brother who did it! I don't know where the head is!"

Jason smiled. "Hey, calm down. Calvin and Hobbes will be fine, and we're sure to defeat the grotesques and the others next time they attack!"

"How do you know?" asked Eddy.

"The Rule of Threes, of course!" Marcus said triumphantly.

Jason decided to explain. "Not only is it an art term, but it's also a law we made up after reading all these campy Batman comics. It goes as follows:

**1. Batman and Robin meet a new criminal and/or an old foe returns. The criminal commits a crime or two and gets away.**

**2. Batman and Robin encounter the foe again and are captured.**

**3. Batman and Robin escape wherever they have been imprisoned and fight the foe a final time, prevailing in the end."**

"So you see," concluded Marcus, "Calvin and Hobbes will be rescued and we'll win the next fight!"

At that moment, they heard a heavy flapping in the sky. Above them, the Griffins fly swooped down and dropped two concrete statues down onto the pavement. In the seconds before they hit, it was evident that they were statues of Calvin and Hobbes. When they hit, they smashed open revealing the real boy and tiger inside. No one knew what to say.

Calvin gasped for breath and pulled off a paper that the grotesques had attached to him with a safety pin. Written in smeared, black ink with crude handwriting, they could make out the words "TEN MINUTES."

"Call me crazy," Hobbes said sarcastically, "but I'm pretty sure this is a warning."

Eddy started to run around in circles, panicking. "Save the sarcasm, I've gotta pack right now!"

They heard loud thumping. Coming for them was a large row of marching grotesques!

"Apparently, gargoyles can't tell time," said Calvin.

Eddy did the natural thing, which was screaming and running inside. The others followed him, with the grotesques chasing them down the hall.

They bumped into Kevin near the main room. He noticed the grotesques (how could you miss them?), which were all standing still for one brief second. "Dude, did you steal the gargoyles?" he asked, more bewildered than anything.

Jason was in no mood to talk. "Can't explain now, but you might want to stay where it's safe right now. Get them, Ed!"

"The cow jumped over the moon!" Ed nodded and shoved all the other kids into the main room, putting a random huge board of wood in front of the door that barred them in.

"They'll get over it," said Calvin, watching the kids pounding on the door through a small window.

At this point, the grotesques started moving again. The kids ran, but reached a dead end a few feet away at the end of the hall.

"This is the end!" gasped Marcus, backing up as far as he could.

Jason turned to his friend for support. "Do something, Ed!"

"You're right!" Ed ran off, and returned a second later. "Forgot to lock the other door. All done now."

Stone hands reached out and grabbed each boy (and one tiger), dragging them off towards the castle.

"But the Rule of Threes never fails!" cried Jason. "Unless this is...a dark ending."

"Wait a second..." wondered Double D. "Where's Eddy?!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

During the few moments where the grotesques stood still, Eddy decided to run in the opposite direction. There he sat, locked in the art room.

All alone. HE was safe, of course...but what about the others?

"Aw, geez. The grotesques have my partners! My...friends."

With a heavy sigh, Eddy got to work on something.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The others, meanwhile, found themselves sitting up on the roof, surrounded by gargoyles, afraid to move. Nearby, several grotesques were busy stirring up a vat of cement. All of them appeared to be conversing, but no sounds came out of their mouths.

"Oh dear," sighed Double D, the first to speak in a while. "I have a feeling they're being serious this time!"

"Why'd they take us, anyway?" complained Calvin. "They're after Eddy! I mean, Eddy's brother."

"I guess they figured we were the next best thing," shrugged Marcus.

"If you're so good at gargoyle folklore," said Hobbes, "do you have any idea how to escape?"

Jason threw his arms up in frustration. "We hardly know anything! That song was a bunch of rhymes that restated the only facts we know a ton of times!"

"Although," said Marcus, "I would say a good way to escape is by figuring out how to touch a heart of stone."

"Those may be the last poetic words I hear," sighed Double D.

"I know poems!" Ed announced proudly. "_Old King Mike met Dick Van Dyke and both of them took a long hike until they caught the biggest pike and rode away on his new bike._"

"Beautiful," Double D said sarcastically. Well, at least his friend had tried. Unlike a certain other friend who didn't bother to come and rescue his...

"Wait!"

Everyone, kids, tigers, and stone alike, peered down to see Eddy approaching with something in a bag. "Grotesque-thingy!" he called. "I have what you want!"

The head grotesque (ironic, because he was headless) curiously opened up the bag to find a fake head made of clay.

"I made it out of play-dough," explained Eddy. "Listen, I didn't take your head. My brother did it, and I don't even know where it is! My brother's a wiz at hiding stuff. But I hope that you..."

Just as Eddy was turning to leave, he tripped over something in the bushes. He picked up...the grotesque's head. "Hey, here's the real head!"

The others climbed down into the courtyard with Eddy and the grotesque.

"Makes sense if you think about it," said Hobbes. "No one would have looked right there."

Eddy held out the head to the grotesque, but to everyone's surprise, the grotesque put on the fake one instead.

Eddy's eyes widened. "You like mine more?"

"Yep," Marcus whispered to Hobbes, "the stone heart's been touched."

Eddy happily extended his hand towards the grotesque. The statue shook it, and nearly broke it in the process. "OUCH! That was my scamming hand, too!"

"Well," said Calvin, "it doesn't take a genius to tell you not to shake hands with the thing! Honestly!"

With a wave to their new friends, the kids walked off, returning to camp. Sure, they would have a lot of explaining to do to the angry kids that were probably still locked up, but the bulk of their problems were gone.

"I could go for some rocks right about now," said Ed.

"Is it getting warmer?" wondered Double D.

"What did we learn from this, anyway?" asked Jason.

Marcus thought for a moment. "Grotesques are not immune to emotions."

"Works for me."

And so, there stood the grotesque, and there it still stands, headless no more. Now it waves to the kids as they pass by the castle, as do all the gargoyles, griffons, and owl. A true happy ending.

* * *

The early title of this story was "March of the Gargoyles," before I realized that the offended statue was, in fact, a grotesque.

The grotesque is based off a real thing at the campus where the stories take place. A grotesque which I loved once had its head stolen (twice actually, but the head was recovered the first time). He's been headless for years, and I recall once being inspired to belt out an impromptu-mock-country ballad called "The Headless Gargoyle." Of course, I can't remember it now, it was a while back.

Finally, there was an alternate opening to the story which was taken out merely because it was too slow and didn't cut to the chase long enough. It includes more about Eddy's brother and an extra verse of Jason and Marcus's song. Oh, the legend at the beginning of the story was originally going to be narrated by Eddy after the musical number.

(Calvin and Hobbes are walking into camp)

Calvin: Geez, it's cold this morning. That's a bad sign.

Hobbes: Why?

Calvin: Because it's not supposed to be cold in the summer! Especially with all the issues of Global Warming! This is mood-setting device, which must mean that it's a Halloween Special!

Hobbes: A what? This isn't TV. We don't have 'specials.'

Calvin: Sweet naive tiger. I pity thou.

(They walk into the main room to find Eddy telling stories to Jason, Marcus, Double D, and Ed)

Eddy: And THEN my brother chugged the whole thing down in one sitting!

Ed: Wow...solid bananas! Your brother is the coolest!

Jason: Ed, that's not that impressive. I bet you could chug even more bananas than that!

Ed: I will measure up!

(Ed bounds off)

Double D: Follow your dreams, Ed! Even if they involve 'chugging' bananas.

Calvin: Are you telling stories about your brother again?

Eddy: I never run out of 'em!

Hobbes: Lucky us. How do we know any of this is true?

Eddy: I've got proof! You know that building that looks like a castle a few blocks away with all the gargoyles?

Calvin: Yeah...

Eddy: You know the headless one?

Calvin: I think I missed that one.

Eddy: Well, my brother's the one that decapitated it! Come on, it's field trip time! Let's go check out his handiwork!

Double D: Applauding vandalism. Hmph.

(Jason and Marcus look at each other)

Jason: Uh...did you just say HE'S the one who decapitated the gargoyle?

Eddy: Did he ever!

Marcus: That's really not good.

Eddy: Jealous?

Jason: No, we're relieved that we're not ones the gargoyle will be after!

Eddy: What are you talking about?

Marcus: Gargoyles hold the world's biggest grudges.

Calvin: Gargoyles are alive?

Double D: Highly improbable.

(Ed runs by, being chased by Sarah)

Sarah: Give Jimmy's banana back!

Ed: I must chug!

Calvin: Whatever, let's just get to the stone before she goes crazy on us.

(They head down the block)

Double D: So, Jason, Marcus, what do you two know about gargoyles, anyway? Care to share some interesting folklore?

Marcus: You wouldn't believe us.

Double D: I find superstitions silly to believe but fascinating to hear about. Do tell us.

Jason: Cue the music!

(To the tune of "Heffalumps and Woozles")

Jason: _**They're big**_

Marcus:_** They're gray**_

Jason: _**They're mean?**_

Marcus: _**I'd say**_

Jason: _**They're tough**_

Marcus: _**They're stone**_

Both: _**They'll catch you alone!**_

Jason: _**They're fast**_

Marcus: _**They're sly**_

Jason: _**They're bad**_

Marcus: _**No lie**_

Jason and Marcus: _**Just pray they don't know how to fly**_

_**Look out, look out, 'cause the 'goyles are about!**_


	30. The New Kid

It was a dark and gloomy day in Koopa Castle. Of course, they overlooked all of Darkland, so things were always dark and gloomy. It was how the Koopas liked it. 

Bowser had gathered up the Koopalings for an important family meeting. "Listen up, kids!" he announced. "I've had enough of that stupid summer camp! All of those kids are mocking me as I speak, I'll bet! Even Mario's an easier target for me than them! They're too...GOOD!"

"Why are you wasting your time with it, anyway?" asked Ludwig.

"Because Koopas shouldn't be defeated by human children!" snapped Bowser. "I don't remember how this started, but I know who's gonna end up on top!"

There was a pause.

"...the kids?" guessed Wendy.

Bowser exploded. "NO! US!"

"For a guy who hates plumbers so much..." started Iggy.

"...you sure do have a lot of pipe dreams!" finished Lemmy. The two Koopas giggled.

"Oh, aren't we the witty ones?" grumbled Bowser. They kept laughing. "Like I haven't heard that a million times!" continued the Koopa King. "Stop laughing...it wasn't that funny...SHUT UP!"

The Koopalings snapped back to attention. Bowser pulled up a blackboard covered in scrawls of X's and O's.

"Now, then. I have prepared a chart to help illustrate our plan. We're the X's and they're the O's. See, all the X's are here and all the O's are here, but if we send an X into the O's, but it looks like an O, then the O's will think the X is an O, too. Then the O can find the X's secrets and lead all the O's in to CRUSH THE X'S! YEAH!" Caught up in the moment, Bowser chopped the blackboard in half.

Roy raised his hand. "King Dad, are we the X's or the O's? Cause I think you sorta switched them halfway through."

"I don't remember. And I broke the chalkboard."

"It's okay, King Dad," said Morton, "because I caught the gist of it about how we have to infiltrate, sneak in, and attack the kids at camp for reasons unknown, except not unknown to you, so it IS known, only you're probably not sure about it. Can I do it?"

Bowser stared at his son, dumbfounded. "Yeeeeeaaaaah, our spy has gotta be inconspicious and seeing as you don't shut up, NO!"

"Oh."

"We need to send the Koopaling who stands out least!" continued Bowser. "And I choose Larry, who hasn't said a word."

Larry's eyes went wide. "What?!"

"If you screw it up, I might just eat you." Bowse put a disguise on Larry (which consisted of a Mickey Mouse hat) and shoved him down a pipe to the real world.

The semi-disguised Koopaling popped out from a Mario book in camp, where he was promptly pummeled with water balloons by Calvin and Hobbes.

"What was that for?!" Larry sputtered angrily. Suddenly, he recognized Calvin. It was him! The kid who had defeated them all those times! What if he'd been waiting for them? What if he was ready?

"Well," said Calvin, grabbing another water balloon, "you don't look like any of the guys around here, so you're obviously a girl!"

"Simple math right there," agreed Jason.

Larry gave a quick sigh of relief that he hadn't been recognized, which was followed by annoyance at the general obnoxiousness of the kids. "I don't look like any of the guys here because I'm NEW!"

Charlie Brown looked up. "A new kid?"

Everyone started to approach Larry, in the fashion of curious toddlers. "We haven't had a new kid in a while!" said Johnny.

"Of course, our last new kid turned out to be an evil nerd who had broken in to frame Jason and I for random crimes..." Marcus added.

Larry's eyes widened. Would they find him out?

Marcus continued, "...but what are the chances of that happening again?"

"So, kid, where are you from?" asked Peppermint Patty.

"I'm not allowed to say," said Larry. This made everyone glance at each other.

"We've got another dork," whispered Kevin.

"And a weird dork at that," Lucy whispered back.

Larry tried to cover himself. "Yeah, the name's sort of restricted."

"Why's the name restricted?" asked Calvin. "I mean, what's in a name?"

"Maybe he's star trying to escape from his fame," suggested Hobbes.

They were speaking in rhyme, Larry realized. Might as well go with it... "Yeah, the name's restricted for reasons I can't tell. But maybe with all this stuff, it's just as well."

(To the tune of "Gary Indiana" from _The Music Man_)

Larry: _**The name is restricted, the name is restricted**_

_**The name is restricted, could you please not ask me why**_

_**The name is restricted, the name is restricted**_

_**The name is restricted, I can't tell you, so don't try**_

_**It's a real shame that none of you guys can go there**_

_**But I know that good portion of you don't care**_

_**Doesn't matter much, because I am here now, so there**_

_**Yes, it's pretty strange, but I like this change**_

_**The name is restricted, the name is restricted**_

_**I'd be contradicted if I mentioned to you**_

_**But though the name's restricted, though the name's restricted**_

_**Though the name's restricted, it's my home, too!**_

Rolf seemed to like this. He did a quick jig on the table next to Larry. The Koopa was taken aback, but continued to sing.

_**Though the name's restricted**_

Rolf: _**Though the name's restricted**_

All but Larry: _**Though the name's restricted, it's my home, too!**_

"A fascinating individual!" Rolf was impressed. "A celebration, I say!"

This got Calvin excited. "A party? What are we gonna do?

Rolf thought for a moment. "I believe it is this...how you say, 'snack time'."

Eagerly, everyone trampled Larry to get food. Larry crawled to his feet and was offered a cup of something red by Jason. He took it cautiously. "What kind of stuff is this?"

"Kool-aid," replied Jason. "It's really good!"

Larry took a sip and gagged. "What's IN this?!"

"Just some powder and water," said Linus. "It doesn't get any simpler than that."

"It's great!" called Calvin.

Larry pulled out a pad of paper and started taking notes. "Humans can stomach vile liquids..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Throughout the day, Larry continued taking notes. During dodgeball, for instance, he wrote: "Humans are trained to fight using rubber balls." After getting hit by one, he changed it to "...surprisingly painful rubber balls."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later, he spied on Lucy and Jimmy.

"Jimmy," Lucy was asking him, "do you think I'll ever get married?"

"Gee, I hope so."

"What?" exploded Lucy. "You HOPE so? You have to HOPE that I get married? Why can't you KNOW?" She began to chase Jimmy. "I'm gonna slug you!"

"Sarah!" squealed Jimmy.

Sarah attacked Lucy. "You leave Jimmy alone!"

"FIGHT!" announced Kevin.

A swarm of kids came running from virtually everywhere to see the two girls go at it.

"Hit her hard, Lucille!" cheered Peppermint Patty.

Eddy jumped up onto a stool. "I'm taking bets!"

Linus slipped him a dollar and whispered, "Put my money on Sarah. And don't tell my sister!"

"Lucy will never know you bet against her!" Ed assured him...very loudly.

Lucy was on Linus in a second. "You blockhead! I'm your own flesh and blood!"

Larry, who had watched the entire ordeal, wrote one more note: "Humans are crazy. I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!"

Larry ran for it. Dashing down the halls, he found that the Mario books were missing from the shelf they were usually on. But they were his only way home! "That's not good!"

After another mad dash through the building, he eventually stumbled upon Calvin and Hobbes reading all of them.

"Should I choose the left pipe or the right?" Calvin asked his tiger.

"Try the left," suggested Hobbes.

"I was run over by a bowling ball. Game over. This is all your fault! You ruined my concentration!"

"Excuse me for making a guess!"

"I'll show you!" In a second, they were fighting and bouncing/rolling away.

Larry took another note: "Humans with tigers are even crazier." He reached for a book, only for Double D to pick them all up.

"I do wish Calvin and Hobbes could pick up after themselves before they got into their hourly fights," fussed Double D. He turned to Larry. "Ah, my new companion! We're all headed to the pool!" With that, he walked off.

Larry sighed and took another note: "If I meet my end today and these notes somehow make it back to the Koopas, please know that I hate all of you. And we were the X's, King Dad! We were the freaking X's!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soon they were all at the pool. In the boys locker room, everyone was talking about the mysterious newcomer.

"So what do you guys think of this new kid?" asked Jason.

"He's weird," said Kevin. "That dude is way too quiet."

"There's nothing wrong with being quiet," Charlie Brown disagreed.

"There's something about him that I can't put my finger on," said Marcus.

Even Double D was unsure. "Well, admittedly, the fact that he didn't reveal virtually anything about himself to us is a bit strange. Perhaps it is our own error in judgement for not trying to know him better."

Kevin rolled his eyes and headed out to the pool. "At the end of the day, he's just another dork."

"Kevin possesses wisdom beyond his years," said Rolf.

From a bathroom stall, Larry was listening. He took another note: "Humans beginning to suspect something. Must get out soon. Also, they're really hurtful."

Calvin and Hobbes, meanwhile, were trying to be sympathetic. After all, they were different, too. "Well, he's not so bad," said Calvin. "I think we should make friends or something."

Soon everyone was out at the pool...everyone but Jason and Marcus. They were still pacing around the locker room.

"There's something about this kid!" said Jason. "Something funny."

"Well," said Marcus, "the fact he wouldn't tell us where he came from is kind of unnerving."

"Yeah...what did he say, again?"

Marcus: _**The name is restricted, the name is restricted**_

_**He could be convicted if he mentioned it to us**_

Jason: _**So if the name's convicted**_

Marcus: _**If the name's convicted**_

Both: _**He could be from Roswell**_

_**And that's a must!**_

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Larry was by the pool, still writing: "Their pool is filled with a toxic substance known as chlorine. I stings my scales and is ten times more painful than any lava we could ever build a fortress over. I think we have seriously underestimated these children."

Calvin swam over. "Hey, kid. What's your name, anyway?"

Larry's eyes went wide in surprise. It was Calvin again! The latest meeting they'd had! If anyone would recognize the Koopa, it would be this kid and his filthy tiger. With nothing else to do, Larry began to write in his log again, hoping Calvin would forget about him or something.

"That kid we hate so much is here," he wrote out loud. "So is the tiger. They won't stop looking at me."

"I'm inclined to agree with the others," Hobbes whispered to Calvin. "He's weird."

"Well, excuse me for trying to be nice!" exclaimed Calvin.

Larry could take no more! He had to get out of there! He got up and headed towards the locker room. If he could just sneak out...

At that moment, Jason and Marcus approached him. "Hey, alien," Jason greeted him in a friendly manner, "mind if we probe you a bit?"

Larry screeched and ran.

"Maybe that was the wrong approach," said Jason.

Marcus nodded. "He probably doesn't like being on the other side of the pointy objects."

"Well," shrugged Jason, "might as well capture him."

Calvin had been listening the whole time. He turned to his tiger. "Hobbes, did you hear that? That's why the new kid's so weird! He's an alien!"

"Do you think he's the friendly phone home type," asked Hobbes, "or the attach to your face and burst out of your chest type?"

"One way to find out!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Inside the locker room, Larry hid trembling in a locker. He could hear Jason calling out to him outside. "Come on out, alien...we'll sedate you first..."

"You'll only feel pain for a few days, that's all..." added Marcus.

Larry started to write again. "King Dad, I'm in way over my head! They're gonna probe me! This stupid hat is the only thing keeping them from realizing that I'm a Koopa!"

"Of course," Jason called, "we'll have to lose the hat..."

Larry gasped. He was doomed!

"Where did we put our tuxedos?" asked Marcus. "I'll feel more authentic hunting aliens in them."

"It was one of these lockers," said Jason.

Larry looked up to realize something terrible. The tuxedos were in THE SAME LOCKER HE WAS! His eyes teared up.

He heard a creak. The locker was opening! And waiting outside was...

Hobbes.

"We're getting you out of here," whispered the tiger.

While Calvin talked to Jason and Marcus, Hobbes helped Larry climb into a towel. He motioned for Calvin and the two carried a squirming bundle out of the locker room.

"What's in there?" Jason asked suspiciously.

"Live fish," replied Hobbes. "I was keeping it in the sink."

"Okay," said Marcus.

Once they were out, Calvin grinned. "Wow, that actually worked!"

"Well," admitted Hobbes, "it helps that I really did have a live fish here once."

But just as they were rounding the corner, they heard an engine roaring behind their backs.

"Oh, and guys?" came the voice of Jason.

"We're not that dumb," said Marcus.

Calvin and Hobbes turned around to see Jason and Marcus behind them. They were wearing their tuxedos now, and were riding on a huge rocket.

Larry stuck his head out of the towel. "Stupid humans!"

"He sounds hostile," said Marcus.

"Blast off!" shouted Jason.

The rocket roared again. Jason and Marcus blasted for them, only to go the complete opposite direction instead and careened down the hall.

"We got lucky!" cried Calvin. "Let's get out of here!"

"The way for me to get home is in your camp!" Larry told them. There was hope yet!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jason and Marcus had crashed down the hall. "We had to use rockets," grumbled Marcus. "We just HAD to use rockets, didn't we?"

"It's like our thing," shrugged Jason.

"Well, it's a BAD THING! Our rockets never work! Every time we focus on our target, we crash!"

A lightbulb went off over Jason. "What if we tried...not focusing?"

"Huh?"

"It's like the old 'Winnie the Pooh' story. They're lost in the woods looking for home, but they always end up at a sandpit. Pooh says if they look for the sandpit, they'll find home. And it works! Let's use this emergency rocket I brought with me...and not focus!"

Marcus sighed. "It's for the alien, it's for the alien..." he told himself.

They got on the extra rocket and blasted off.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Calvin, Hobbes, and Larry were driving back to camp on a wagon.

"So," said Calvin, "do you have any alien powers that could make this wagon fly or anything?"

"I've got nothing."

"What kind of alien are you, anyway?" Calvin asked, annoyed.

"Now, now," said Hobbes. "You're basing this all off of alien stereotypes found in the movies."

Larry looked behind them and gasped. "Yikes! Make this go faster! Those guys are coming!"

Indeed, the rocket was following them!

"Got any ideas?" sighed Hobbes.

Calvin concentrated. "I'm thinking..."

Jason and Marcus, trying hard not to focus, were playing D&D on top of the rocket. "This is best dungeon I've made yet!" said Jason.

"Are we gaining?" Marcus looked at Larry, Calvin, and Hobbes, only for the rocket to start swerving and jerking around.

"AAAAAHHHH! STOP FOCUSING!" screamed Jason.

"Sorry," Marcus looked away and the rocket went back to normal.

This was enough to give Calvin an idea, however. He drove the wagon into the camp building's entrance...and stopped.

"Don't stop!" cried Larry. "They'll get me!"

"Don't worry," Calvin assured him.

Just as Jason and Marcus flew in, Calvin holds up Hobbes's tail. "Look how cool Hobbes's tail is!"

Jason and Marcus looked up...and their rocket crashed through the ceiling.

"Stupid focus," grumbled Jason.

"Stupid tail," grumbled Marcus.

Hobbes turned to the alien. "So, how do you get home?"

"Right this way!" Larry ran to the main room and looked back at Calvin and Hobbes. "You can't watch me return. It would melt your brain."

"Before you go," called Calvin, "can't you please tell us who you are?"

"Kid," Larry said somberly, "if you knew who is was, you'd never forgive yourself for helping me. Now, look away!"

Calvin and Hobbes obeyed. Larry dove into a Mario book and escaped!

"I wonder what he meant by that," reflected Hobbes.

"Maybe he WAS a girl," said Calvin.

Jason and Marcus stumbled over angrily. "I hope you're happy!" cried Jason. "What if that alien was hostile?"

"You just wanted to probe him," said Marcus. "We both did."

Calvin felt a little bad. "Sorry, guys. How about the next time we catch a Koopa you can probe him?"

"Sounds good," said Jason.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Larry whizzed down the warp pipe, happy to be back in the Mushroom World. He was launched out and flew right into Bowser's window.

Bowser was happy to see his son. "Hey, you're back! How'd it go?"

"King Dad...we've gotta change our play." Larry fainted.

"Maybe I SHOULD have sent Morton," said Bowser.

"I'll bet they made him drink Kool-Aid," sighed Ludwig.

* * *

Well, that one turned out better than I thought it would have. It's fun to focus more on the Koopalings, who I never thought got a lot of breathing room in these stories.

Jason and Marcus's reprise used to be a little longer. Here's the uncut version:

Jason: _**The name is restricted, the name is restricted**_

_**The name is restricted and he never said how come**_

Marcus: _**The name is restricted, the name is restricted**_

_**The name is restricted, it's like he thinks that we're dumb**_

Jason:_** There is something about him that is quite suspicious**_

_**Although he seems harmless, in the no way vicious**_

Marcus: _**And then that means that he is certainly not malicious**_

Both: _**And yet I digress, this all makes me stressed**_

Marcus: _**The name is restricted, the name is restricted**_

_**He could be convicted if he mentioned it to us**_

Jason: _**So if the name's convicted**_

Marcus: _**If the name's convicted**_

Both: _**He could be from Roswell**_

_**And that's a must!**_


	31. The Pool Toys War

The sun shown down on the kids of the camp, who were marching off to the pool as they did almost every day. As they were entering the building, Kevin pointed at something. "Check it out."

Above the door was an old wasp's nest.

"That's always been there," said Calvin.

"Oh, yeah? Then I dare you to throw this at it." Kevin handed Calvin an empty milk carton.

"That's crazy!" scoffed Calvin. "I've made wasps mad before, and it's not pretty!"

"Wimp," Kevin rolled his eyes and walked into the pool building.

"Oh, YEAH?" growled Calvin. "Well...well..." he sighed, having nothing else to say. "I'll show him, Hobbes," he told his tiger.

"Why not just forget about it?" suggested his tiger.

"After I've been insulted like that?" cried Calvin. "My PRIDE is at strake!"

Hobbes narrowed his eyes. "Pride? Are we doing another _Lion King_ parody?"

"Ooh, you're hilarious. If there's one thing I'm not doing today, it's letting stuff go! I'm going out there to prove myself!"

"This never ends well..." Hobbes muttered to himself.

--

Nearby, Jason and Marcus were collecting various pool toys. "Wait'll we raid the kids!" grinned Jason. "This will be the best pirate attack ever!"

Their arms full of balls, they bumped into the Eds, who were also gathering toys.

"What are you guys doing?" asked Jason.

"Scouring the pool!" Ed announced loudly.

"Eddy's latest scam involved making a raft out of pool toys and charging kids for rides," explained Double D. "May I ask what you are doing?"

"WE are making our own ship out of pool toys to terrorize the girls," said Marcus. "Priority-wise, we deserve the pool toys more."

Eddy grabbed a volley ball out of their hands. "My brother always told me...cash comes first!" Eddy simply shoved Jason and Marcus out of the way and continued grabbing things.

Jason adjusted his glasses. "Of course, you know this means war...in the style of a comical cartoon fight!"

Now, everyone knows that in cartoon fights, anything goes. For his first move, Jason randomly pulled out a wheelbarrow and plowed Eddy down, filling it with all the pool toys Eddy had been holding.

"Get him!" shouted Eddy.

Jason passed by Double D, who simply grabbed the wheelbarrow and switched the direction Jason was going in, sending him running straight into the pool. The pool toys went flying, and Double D quickly collected them all in a basket.

Marcus was still had a trick up his sleeve, however. "Hey, Double D, that looks pretty heavy. Want me to carry it?"

"Why, thank you...oh, curses!" Double D realized he had been tricked too late.

Marcus went running with the basket, only to be tackled by Eddy. The toys all went flying into the pool. Both sides dove in and grabbed what they could. Soon, the toys were equally divided on both sides of the pool.

"A pool divided!" said Ed.

"Yeah!" Eddy called to Jason and Marcus. "That's YOUR side and this is OUR side! If you're not gonna give back the toys, then we'll fight for it!"

"Just you wait!" Jason shot back.

"I think we're in over our heads, Jason," whispered Marcus.

"Well, this IS the deep end..."

"No, I mean we're outnumbered. We need an extra person."

Jason put a finger to his chin. "But who'd be stupid enough to help us, knowing that if we were about to lose, we'd abandon them to selfishly save ourselves?"

Suddenly, a certain high-pitched voice caught their attention. "Hobbes, there's gotta be some way of proving to Kevin that I'm brave!"

"To be honest," said Hobbes, "I really don't think he cares."

Jason quickly swam over. "Calvin! Calvin! We just got into a war with the Eds!"

"Our third one today, in fact," added Marcus.

Jason decided to cut to the chase. "We want your help!"

"And this way, I can prove I'm brave!" cried Calvin, his eyes lighting up. "I'll be happy to help you!"

"Great!" said Marcus. "Meet us on our side of the pool in a few minutes!"

While Jason and Marcus went off to get ready, Calvin began to think about what he would do in the fight. "I wonder if I'll get a purple heart for this!"

"I think you have to be injured first," Hobbes reminded him.

"I can fake something."

Nearby, Ed was handing out flyers. Or, at least, he was trying. No one wanted any, so he was really just trying to shove them into other peoples' hands. "Join the navy! Join the navy! Hey, Calvin, wanna join the navy?"

A lightbulb went off over Calvin's head. "You know what? I'd be happy to, Ed."

"Oh boy! Only a whole lot more flyers to go! I am on a roll." Ed cheerfully waddled off.

"How can you join the Eds' side?" whispered Hobbes. "You already told Jason and Marcus that you'd be on theirs!"

"Exactly, Hobbes! What's braver than being on BOTH sides of a war? Double the risk, double the battles..."

"Just remember," said Hobbes, narrowing his eyes. "There's a fine line between bravery and stupidity."

--

Calvin was soon with Jason and Marcus, who had built a small raft out of the pool toys that they had managed to hoard. It was seemingly sturdy, though it was hard to tell sometimes with their contraptions.

"Glad you could make it, Calvin," said Jason. "But why are you hiding under that towel?"

"So the Eds can't see me...I mean, to get pumped."

Jason shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat."

"Or raft," added Marcus.

They both laughed.

Jason wiped a tear from his eye. "See, you're gonna hear a lot of zingers like that one."

"I'd better abandon ship right now!" grinned Calvin.

They all laughed again. In fact, they laughed a little longer than anyone should have at the kind of jokes they were telling.

Finally, Marcus stopped laughing. "...seriously, let's get this thing started."

--

On the other side of the pool (which was actually only a few feet away), Hobbes was with the Eds, who were on their own raft. It was bigger, but flimsier.

"Where's Calvin?" complained Eddy. "He's the only one who took our flyers! He has to be here!"

"I've been sent to tell you that he's coming...sometime," said Hobbes.

"Oh dear!" moaned Double D. "First we're in yet another war, and now we're short one person! If I must be part of this violent anarchy, I at least want it to be an orderly violent anarchy!"

At that moment, a volleyball plowed into Double D, launched off a cannon on Jason and Marcus's side.

"The first shot has been fired!" announced Eddy. He grabbed a Super Soaker and sprayed it at Jason and Marcus, drenching them.

"Aarrg!" cried Jason. "We're wet!"

"Grab a towel!" said Marcus.

The two boys yanked Calvin's towel off of him and started drying off. Calvin gasped, realizing that he was now exposed.

Eddy glared when he saw Calvin on the other side. "What's HE doing over there?"

"Calvin has double-crossed us!" Ed started sobbing.

Not knowing what to do, Calvin grabbd an inner tube and paddled over to the Eds while Jason and Marcus were destracted.

Calvin frantically searched for an excuse. "Um...um...I was spying on them! Ed ordered me to!"

Double D and Eddy's eyes widened. "HE DID?"

"Nice one," Hobbes whispered to Calvin.

"Yup," Ed nodded with a slightly glazed expression, "I'm just that smart."

"So," said Eddy, "what did you find out over there?"

"Well..." Calvin had to think of another lie, "they're trying to build up more ammunition..."

Eddy nodded eagerly. "Yeah?"

"So if we were to, say, lure them closer with some useless pool toys," continued Calvin, "they'd be the perfect targets!"

"Why, Calvin," cried Double D, "that's brilliant!"

"I must have hugs!" Ed gave Calvin a tight hug, cutting off his air supply.

"Aww, isn't that cute?" Hobbes smiled sarcastically. "He's turning the same color as the pool."

--

"You know," Jason was saying on his side, "in retrospect, getting wet when you're already surrounded by water isn't such a bad thing."

Marcus glanced over to the other side and gasped. "Jason! Jason! Big problem!"

"What? What's wrong?"

"I think Calvin and Hobbes have been captured by the Eds!" cried Marcus.

They could see Calvin in Ed's arms. "They must have grabbed him while we were drying off!" realized Jason. "That's some sweet agility, I must admit."

"We have to attack right now!" said Marcus.

Taking the moment as it was, they began to fire more and more volleyballs at the Eds.

"Eddy, I think they're trying to kill us!" squeaked Double D.

"We'll see about that," growled Eddy. "Ed!"

"Yes, sir!" saluted Ed.

"Launch...yourself."

"Will do!" Ed fired himself at Jason and Marcus, landing directly on top of them.

"Fire at will, Double D!" ordered Eddy.

"But what about Ed?" stammered Double D. "Won't I hit him by accident?"

"All's fair in love and war!"

"I detest that excuse," Double D muttered to himself.

In the pandemonium that followed, Calvin paddled over to Jason and Marcus's side, this time taking Hobbes with him.

"This really isn't safe, Calvin," warned Hobbes. "You can hardly swim!"

"True," admitted Calvin. "Which makes me all the more brave right now."

Hobbes rolled his eyes. "More like stupid."

"Don't talk like that to me! I'm a higher rank, after all!"

"We have ranks, now?"

They climbed aboard the raft to find that Jason and Marcus, although slightly battered, had managed to tie Ed up.

Jason ran over to his friend. "Calvin! We were so worried! When we saw the Eds had taken you prisoner, we didn't know what to do!"

"Hi, Calvin!" called Ed, seemingly oblivious to everything. "Ready to spy?"

Calvin quickly shoved a volleyball in Ed's mouth. "Poor Ed. He's so...Ed."

"Truer words have never been said," said Hobbes.

"Are YOU in the war, Hobbes?" Marcus asked the tiger.

Hobbes shrugged. "To be honest, I'm not sure what I am at this point."

"So, Calvin," said Jason, "while you were captive, did you overhear any of the Eds' plans?"

Calvin remembered what he had told the Eds earlier. Well, if it worked on them... "Yeah...they're trying to build up more ammunition..."

Jason nodded. "Yeah?"

"So if we were to, say, lure them closer with some useless pool toys..."

--

On the other side of the pool, Eddy was pacing frantically. "Great! Just great! Calvin hasn't come back, and they've got Ed tied up! They're our two best men!"

"Ahem," Double D tapped his foot impatiently.

"Come on, Double D," said Eddy, "you've gotta admit that you're pretty useless in a war."

"I suppose so."

Calvin paddled over again. "Guys! I have news!"

"You saved Ed?" Eddy asked eagerly.

"No, they're guarding him closely, but I think now would be the perfect time to lure them out here!"

"And we can free Ed in the ensuing confusion!" smiled Double D. He suddenly gasped. "Dear lord, I'm actually getting into this. What will mother think?"

"Got the diving stick?" asked Eddy.

At that moment, on the other side, Hobbes, Jason, and Marcus were going through the same procedure.

Marcus gave Jason a diving stick. "Got it."

Jason took it. "Then we're..."

"...ready!" Calvin said on his side.

Both groups sent out their own diving stick, which floated closer to their opposite sides,

At that point, Eddy and Jason both noticed each other's sticks. "Hey, a diving stick!"

In their own greedy thirst for more pool toys that could somehow be converted into weapons, each side went for the other stick. The result was a huge head-on collision. Pool toys went flying everywhere, hitting the various other kids in the pool.

"Watch it!" yelled Lucy. "There are other people in the pool, you know!"

Snoopy swam by, holding Ed, who was still tied up. "Would anyone like a lump?" thought the dog. "Worth the price..."

After figuring out which way was up, Eddy came to the surface and swam over to Calvin. "Calvin, that plan was terrible!"

"Wait a second..." glared Jason. "How do YOU know about the plan?"

Jason, Eddy, Double D, and Marcus slowly turned to Calvin and Hobbes.

"Remember what I said earlier?" whispered Hobbes.

"About me not knowing how to swim?" Calvin whispered back.

"No, about bravery and stupidity. Although the swimming part would probably be relevant now, as well."

"Get the rat!" yelled Eddy.

Jason, Marcus, and Eddy swam after Calvin, hitting him with any pool toy they could get their hands on. Their old conflict was gone; now they were only focusing on their vendetta with Calvin. Along the way, they barreled through several kids.

"That's it!" growled Kevin. "These dorks ALL have to learn a lesson!"

--

Double D, meanwhile, sat on the side of the pool, untying Ed. "I confess, Ed, perhaps it's best to remain on the sidelines, literally in this case."

"My mouth tastes like volley ball," said Ed.

Eddy swam by and grabbed their legs, yanking them in. "If you're not gonna help us, at least be the ammunition!"

With a hard toss, Eddy threw Double D and Ed across the pool, landing them on Calvin.

"My apologies!" cried Double D.

Calvin found that his head was now in Ed's mouth. "Now my mouth tastes like Calvin," mumbled Ed.

Calvin's head wasn't there for long. Eddy, Jason, and Marcus yanked him out and held him over the water. They were about to dunk him when they looked up. While they were chasing Calvin, the other kids had assembled all the pool toys into one big raft...which was about the size of one third of the pool.

"ATTACK!" shouted Rolf.

The kids plowed the raft towards the boys, hoping to ram them into the side of the pool.

"Swim away!" cried Jason and Marcus, always happy to do a pseudo-reference to _Monty Python_ , one of their favorite shows.

They frantically ducked underwater to avoid the raft. Swimming to the surface, they were eventually pulled on and attacked by the kids. The torture went on for a bit, but very soon, however, the kids realized that they were having fun and it soon became a free-for-all.

Calvin and Hobbes found a small space to hide where there wasn't any fighting. "Well," said Calvin, "looks like everything worked out in the end."

"Surprisingly," said Hobbes. "But we've still got some time left in the episode."

"So, what," shrugged Calvin, "we're gonna pad it out with more fighting. Nothing wrong with that."

"Oh no!" they heard Johnny gasp. "PLANK!"

On the other side of the pool, Plank was sitting on a kickboard, about to fall into the water.

"Plank can't get wet!" cried Johnny. "He bloats up like crazy!"

"You really should stop taking him to the pool," advised Schroder.

Johnny was practically having a heart attack at this point. "Someone save him!"

"Heh, heh," Moe murmured to Johnny, "I'm gonna get the wood wet..." The hulking six-year-old started swimming towards Plank.

"You bully!" shouted Johnny. "Help!"

Hobbes pointed at Moe and Plank. "THERE'S your padding. If you want to brave for real, now's the time to do it."

Calvin looked across the pool at Plank. Hobbes was right. All he had done so far was cause trouble. It was time to be brave for real.

Grabbing onto a volleyball, Calvin jumped into a cannon and launched himself at Plank. Surfing across the pool on the ball, he managed to grab the board of wood right before Moe could. In response, Moe angrily smacked Calvin across the pool towards Johnny. Calvin handed Plank off to him on the way back. "Here's Plank!"

"Thank you!" called Johnny.

Calvin's ball bounced off the wall and ended up coming down onto the raft and into the center of the fray.

Since the raft had been assembled quickly, it was far from sturdy, and it was a wonder that it had lasted so long. But Calvin had literally left an impact on it. Everything began to come apart. The entire raft collapsed in a matter of seconds, and Calvin was stuck in the middle. Cannons went off. Volleyballs flew everywhere. He even got tangled up in some towels. A catapult went off and ended up coming down on Calvin's head, knocking him unconscious.

As the kids all abandoned raft, Calvin was left to slowly sink in the deep end, out cold...

--

Calvin opened his eyes. He was outside! "What happened?" he asked groggily.

"You got knocked out," Hobbes informed him. "Johnny had to save you."

"So I guess HE'S the hero now," muttered Calvin.

"Calvin!" called Johnny. "That was so brave of you! You saved Plank's life!"

Calvin smiled a little. "Aw, it was nothing. Though I'd like it if you could hook me up with a purple heart." He noticed Kevin walking by. "Did you hear that, Kevin? I'm brave!"

"I could really care less. Dork."

Calvin growled. After all he had been through, THAT was what Kevin had to say? He picked up the empty milk carton from before and threw it on the wasps' nest. Instantly, a swarm of wasps came out and chased him and Hobbes.

"Hey, Hobbes? I think you were right about that bravery and stupidity thing!"

* * *

This story was originally going to focus more on Jason, Marcus, and the Eds, rather than Calvin and Hobbes, and was called "Aqua Eds" and then "AquariEds." The early plot involved the Eds making a raft for their own personal gain (no scams) and Jason and Marcus trying to stop them because the Eds had stolen the noodles. The war was still there, but Calvin and Hobbes might not have been as important. Team Rocket (in case you haven't read my other notes, they were the series' original main villains next to the Koopas) would get invovled with the war, try to bomb and then capture the Eds, only to be defeated by Jason and Marcus in a Bugs Bunny-fashion. Eddy is ungreatful and Jason sets the Kankers on him. Later, I considered replacing Team Rocket with the Koopas.

Also, in an earlier version of the story, Calvin was going to have a song at the beginning. I think the episode actually benifited from it getting cut. And, yes, it's a _Land Before Time_ song. One of the good ones. Don't laugh.

Calvin's eyes widened. "Wimp? WIMP? I'll have you know that if there's one thing I'm not, it's a wimp!"

(To the tune of "Who Needs You?" from _The Land Before Time IV_ )

Calvin: _**I have been in darkness of space** _

_**And I've escaped guys without using mace** _

_**And I never signed a legal waver** _

_**Who's braver than me?** _

_**I have fought villains using my fists** _

_**I have journeyed through plots full of twists** _

_**You don't know it but, I've done you favors** _

_**Who's braver than me?** _

_**Who's that brave? I've really gotta warn ya** _

_**Despite my small size, the villains can't believe their eyes** _

_**Yes, who's that brave? You mess with me, I'll scorn ya** _

_**If trained for a bit maybe I could take a hit** _

_**Oh, I have been places you'll never go** _

_**And I have seen things that you'll never know** _

_**That isn't to say that I am better** _

_**It's just meant to prove I'm a go-getter** _

_**Because there's one thing that still remains the key** _

_**Yes, who's braver than me?** _

By this time, everyone had gotten changed into their swimsuits. Kevin stared at Calvin, dumfounded. "Dude, are you STILL singing?" he asked. "Get over yourself, dork."

There was also a refrence to it later in the story that got cut as well.

Calvin: Well, looks like everything worked out in the end.

Hobbes: Surprisingly. But we've still got some time left in the episode.

Calvin: So, what, we're gonna pad it out with more fighting. I figured my song at the beginning was padding enough.


	32. The Mad Punter

Sorry if the camp Halloween special is a little late this year. But here it is!

* * *

Calvin sat in his room at his desk. A recent event had made him think about fear, about mystery. The most logical thing to do, he decided, was to write about it.

"_There's something scary about the night. I don't know why; there just is. Darkness plays a big role. It's the mystery, that's what it is. The feeling of not knowing what's out there. I mean, in daytime, it's fine because you can see everyone. Nothing's really hidden. You can see people, they can see you._

_But at night, everything changes._

_Have you ever just decided to randomly look out your window in the middle of the night? Have you ever seen anything weird out there?_

_Most of the time, you'll say no._

_But the few times you do see something...it's scary._

_Maybe it's just a car driving by at a weird hour or someone out walking. Nothing crazy. But the scary part is wondering WHY they're out there in the first place._

_The thing about whatever happens in the middle night is that we really don't know. At least, most of us don't. Since the majority of the people are asleep in bed, we don't know what's going on outside. It's a nice feeling, knowing you're secure, that your doors and windows are locked, that you're safe._

_Because if we slept outside, it would be a different feeling._

_It's the mysteriousness of it all that's scary. Like in horror movies, where the kids are being stalked by...by...by something. You don't know what it is; that's why it's scary. I'm not saying it's not scary when you finally see it, but it does kind of lose a little something._

_Why am I writing this? Well, it all happened last night..."_

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin remembered a bit back to the other day as he and Hobbes were waiting to leave camp. They were talking to Charlie Brown.

"And then, I heard a noise!" Charlie Brown was reaccounting. "It sounded like...like a football being kicked around!"

"And this was in the middle of the night?" said Susie.

Charlie Brown nodded frantically. "Yes! There was someone in my yard kicking a football!"

"You blockhead!" frowned Lucy. "Do you expect us to believe that there's some 'mad punter' out there? Obviously, something has made you psychologically distressed. Perhaps your lack of ability to kick a football?"

Calvin rolls his eyes. "Here it comes..."

"Well, we'll fix it right now," continued Lucy. "I'll hold this football and you can run and kick it."

"Bet you a quarter he kicks it," Susie whispered.

"You're on! I bet he doesn't." Remembering the time he helped Charlie Brown before, Calvin figured he could easily do it again and score a quarter. He ran over to Charlie Brown and tried to change the large-headed boy's mind. "Okay, listen to me! She's going to pull it away. And do you know why? Because she ALWAYS pulls it away."

"But she could be serious this time," insisted Charlie Brown.

Calvin felt like smacking him. "Has she EVER been? Listen, if you're imagining someone kicking a football around in your yard, then the reason's more likely that it's all Lucy's fault! Not kicking the football would be in your better interest!"

"Hey, who are you going to listen to?" called Lucy. "Him or your doctor?"

In response, Charlie Brown instantly ran for the football, only for Lucy to pull it away.

Calvin begrudgingly gave Susie a quarter. "I feel insulted," he muttered.

Kevin, acting as an assistant counselor, came in. "Hey, Calvin, your dad's here!" he announced. With a glare at Susie, Calvin grabbed his tiger and headed out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As he and Calvin sat in the car riding home, Hobbes noticed Calvin was acting quiet. And, for Calvin, this was a pretty big thing. "Hey, cheer up," said the tiger. "You know how Charlie Brown is."

"Yeah, yeah. I've just been thinking. See, it's the idea of some guy coming onto your lawn in the middle of the night to kick a football...I don't know, it's creepy."

"Why's it creepy?" asked Hobbes. "What's he doing there in the first place?"

"Exactly! I don't know!" cried Calvin. "And that just kind of creeps me out, that's all."

"Charlie Brown was probably just dreaming. Look, here's what we'll do. We'll leave a football out in your yard tonight and see if anything happens. Okay?"

"Sounds good to me," said Calvin.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That night, they were in bed when they heard a noise outside.

Calvin sat up with a jolt. "Hobbes! Hear that?"

"It better not be those racoons," grumbled Hobbes.

"No...it sounds like...a football."

They looked out the window to see the shadow of someone kicking the football around. Calvin's eyes bugged out. "It's the Mad Punter! Will pigskin ever be safe?"

"I don't get it," said Hobbes. "He's just kicking the ball around. What's the problem?"

"That's not the point, Hobbes! It's the middle of the night! There's just something that's not right about this..."

"There's only one thing to do now," said Hobbes.

"Call the cops?"

"Go out there and see what he's up to."

Calvin sat back on his bed. "You can get yourself killed, but I'm staying right here."

With a sad glance back at his friend, Hobbes left without a word.

"Gee..." thought Calvin after Hobbes was gone, "what's gonna happen to my best friend? What if the Mad Punter starts punting his head or something? It'll be my fault, because I didn't go with him. Then again, he might just be some guy who likes footballs. And night. Maybe he's a vampire. Yeah, that's it, he's a vampire. And then he'll bite Hobbes...and Hobbes will bite me...there are probably pro's and con's that come with this, but I don't really want to list them. HOBBES!"

Calvin stumbled down the stairs to find Hobbes clawing at a can of tuna. "What are you doing?" he asked his furry friend.

"Midnight snack," said Hobbes. "Think the Punter will want some?"

"Just come on." Both relieved and annoyed, Calvin dragged his friend towards the door. Cautiously, they tiptoed outside to find...nothing.

"He's gone," said Hobbes.

"But look!" pointed Calvin. The football was now on the other side of the yard.

"Think he's coming back?" wondered Hobbes.

Calvin looked around cautiously. "I don't know...everything looks so different out here at night...in the dark."

They heard a rustling in a bush and immediately dashed back inside. They weren't staying out there!

As they ran up the stairs, they woke Calvin's parents who wemt down to investigate.

"Who took out all of this tuna?" wondered Calvin's dad.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning at camp, Calvin was talking about it to Ed, Double D, Eddy, Jason, Marcus, and Charlie Brown. "Okay, men, Charlie Brown is right. There's something out there in our yard's at night and one thing's certain...he really likes footballs."

"It is the mutant pigskin creature from planet FOOT!" screamed Ed.

"We just call him the Mad Punter," admitted Charlie Brown.

"What kind of freak goes out in the middle of the night and kicks footballs around?" asked Eddy.

"An interesting question," Double D agreed. "I must say, it is rather unnerving. Perhaps if we establish contact with this individual, we may understand his motives and form a sort of bond with him, perhaps a friendship."

"Sounds like an _X-Files_ case to me," said Jason.

"Count us in!" cried Marcus.

Calvin grinned. "That's what I was hoping you'd say! Now, me and Hobbes have a plan." He pulled out a sketch board and went through it. "Okay, we all live close to each other, right? So if we all put a football in our yards, the Punter will show up at at least one of our houses. We'll communicate on walkie-talkies, figure out where the Punter is, and catch him!"

"I want silly string!" Ed shouted, with a blank expression.

"I like your way of thinking, Ed," said Calvin.

"First time anyone's said that..." whispered Eddy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That night, everyone waited in their respective rooms. Each kid was wearing a GROSS paper hat.

"Calvin," Double D spoke into his walkie-talkie, "are the hats really necessary? Over."

"Yes!" replied Calvin. "This is a GROSS mission, and probably one of the first ones not to include going after any slimy girls. Over."

"Do you think we'll catch him?" asked Hobbes.

"Why wouldn't we?" shrugged Calvin. "This plan'll work great!"

Charlie Brown, meanwhile, was waiting in his room.

"Aren't you going to sleep, big brother?" Sally asked him from his doorway.

"Not tonight, Sally. There's something I have to do to keep our footballs safe."

"Whatever."

Charlie Brown turned and stared back out his window.

A few minutes later, Marcus heard something outside. "There's something outside my place!" he told everyone. "Over."

Grabbing their flashlights, everyone ran to Marcus's house.

"He ran into the park when he saw you coming!" Marcus told them when they arrived. "He took the football, too!"

"I love the hunt!" shouted Ed happily.

"Perhaps we ought let him go," twittered Double D. "It would be safer if we were indoors. Besides, it's terribly dark out!"

"Are you kidding me?" said Calvin. "Once we solve this mystery, everything will be okay!"

"How come?" asked Eddy.

"Because then there won't BE a mystery and we won't need to be afraid," explained Calvin. "Now, let's go!"

They dashed after the Mad Punter through the darkness. Soon, they were running along a path in the park.

"Hold your flashlights steady!" said Jason. "We might just be able to make him out!"

At that moment, Charlie Brown tripped

"Of course he falls..." muttered Eddy.

The boys helped Charlie Brown up.

"Looks like we lost the Punter," said Hobbes. The silhouette of the running punter was indeed gone, vanished in the fog.

"When did it ever get so foggy?" wondered Double D.

However, in the distance...

"I hear him," whispered Calvin.

"He's punting," whispered Jason.

They listened a little more.

"I think he's waiting for us," realized Marcus.

"Should we go home?" worried Charlie Brown.

Calvin put his foot down. "No. Grab your flashlights. We're following the Punter."

Running down the dim path, the band ran after the Punter. Through the park they went, past the smelly sewage treatment plant, towards the road ahead. They had to cross a few streets, but hardly anyone was out that late, so it didn't really matter. What did matter was how the mystery had thickened, how they had no idea where the Punter was going, or why he wanted them to follow him. They could barely make him out in the fog and darkness, even with their flashlights. The only thing that helped them was the distant sound of punting.

"Heavens," Double D gasped for breath a while later, "he just won't stop, will he?"

"Well, whenever WE stop, HE stops," Calvin pointed out, "so I'm going to take a quick break."

Exhausted, Calvin sat under a lamppost, which gave off a dim light.

"Where are we, anyway?" said Eddy.

"We are near camp!" announced Ed.

"Don't be silly, Ed..." said Jason, before he took a look around. Although it was dark, he could make a few things out. "Wait a second, he's right. He's right! The Punter led us near where camp is!"

"But why?" asked Marcus.

"Maybe he was going to return your football to the camp building," suggested Charlie Brown.

"We do have a stadium here," said Double D. "Perhaps he only needed a ball to play with."

Calvin shook his head. "No, there's something weird going on here."

Hobbes glared at him. "You want to know what's weird? We're out of bed, it's the middle of the night, and we're walking around a deserted college campus! Do you know the kind of people who come out now? They're not the people you want to mess with! And that Punter is probably one of them!"

"Well, how come YOU were so eager to meet him last night?" Calvin shot back.

"Because I hadn't been chasing him for a few miles and I didn't know he would actually WANT us to follow him! Plus, I'm wearing this stupid hat!"

"How DARE you say that about the GROSS hats?!" gasped Calvin.

"I just don't like wearing them at a university in the dark!"

Calvin looked up and noticed everyone looking tired. "So do you all just want to go back home?" he asked. Everyone nodded. Calvin sighed. "I can't believe it. I thought we would have an adventure, figure out who this guy is...but I guess if you don't want to..."

"Hey, wait a second," realized Jason. "Why don't we hear him?"

The punting had stopped.

"Maybe he got bored," said Marcus.

"I know I am," grumbled Eddy.

Just then, they heard something from behind them. Punting.

"Nope, there he is," said Calvin. "He just moved over, that's all."

Ed listened. "He is getting closer!"

Marcus's eyes widened. "Kinda sounds like he's coming RIGHT AT US!"

"Good grief!" cried Charlie Brown.

"Run!" yelled Calvin.

They bolted.

"We're being chased by a guy with a football!" said Hobbes, as they twisted and turned through the darkness. "Why is this scarier than I thought it would be?"

They then stumbled upon a familiar-looking building.

Calvin was stunned. "Wait a second...it's camp."

From behind them, they could hear that the Punter was still coming.

"Ed, use your eyebrow!" ordered Double D.

Ed pulled off his eyebrow and used it like a key to open the building. The darted inside.

"Okay, we've got the advantage here!" said Jason as the group navigated through the pitch-black hallway. "This is OUR building! We can escape him!"

"What a night..." Charlie Brown mumbled to himself.

They ran into the main room and into the storage closet where they found a binful of balls.

"Fight balls with balls!" shouted Calvin.

Although they could barely see a thing out of the closet, they could hear the Punter coming in. They threw a barrage of balls into the darkness, only for them to be flung right back at them. One hit Charlie Brown and knocked all of his clothes off.

"He's got talent, I'll hand it to him," remarked Marcus.

They slammed the closet door and locked it.

"Plan B time!" sweated Calvin.

"We don't have a plan B, do we?" sighed Hobbes.

"Nope."

A lightbulb went off over Eddy's head, which briefly lit up the closet. "Look, back when me and Ed were banished by Kevin, we snuck around through the ceiling tiles. We can do it again!"

"See _The Calvin King 1/2_ for more information!" advised Ed.

Taking Eddy's advice, they climbed into the ceiling and made their escape.

"We can do this, guys...we can do this!" panted Calvin.

Just then, something smacks against the bottom of the vent, as if someone was tossing a ball at them from below.

"He's out there!" squealed Double D.

"I need air, guys!" Ed started to bounce around, causing the vent to open and the kids to all to fall out. "Ed can breathe once more."

The kids looked up. Standing in the shadows was a dark figure...holding a football.

"THE MAD PUNTER!!!"

The Punter moved out of the shadows to reveal...

Snoopy.

"What are you doing here?!" exclaimed Calvin.

Snoopy shrugged.

"Why can't you have a normal dog like everyone else?!" Eddy yelled at Charlie Brown, who only sighed in reply.

"To be honest, I'm not really surprised," admitted Hobbes.

Jason looked around, awkwardly, not quite sure what to say next. "So...what do we do now?"

Snoopy motioned for them to follow him. Outside, there was a bus waiting. Snoopy hops in the driver's seat and drove the kids home. No one said much on the ride. They were all frankly at a loss for words.

"Oh dear," yawned Double D as he got off the bus. "My sleep schedule is ruined now..."

Snoopy tossed Marcus his football before he left. Marcus looked at it and handed it back. "Um, you can keep it. I never used it, anyway."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"_So that was that. We went home, and everything was normal. And since today's a weekend, we didn't have to go to camp, so we all slept in._

_Why did I write about all this? I don't know. I guess that night made me think about fear and what exactly it is. We fear what we don't know. That's why the dark's scary, because there's so much mystery and anyone could be hiding in it. You don't know, that's it._

_And yet, when it's actually in the light, things usually aren't as bad. Things aren't as scary. You know more about what's around you._

_I guess I'm saying that there's nothing wrong with being scared of the dark, 'cause we all are, even though we don't always have to be. I mean, it's still better to be safe than sorry._

_Meh, I don't know what else to say. I wanted to end on something poignant, but nothing's really coming to mind right now. Then again, not everything can be great literature."_

Something bounced against Calvin's window. Annoyed, he looked out to see Snoopy and Hobbes running around in the backyard, playing football. "Will you keep it down?!" yelled Calvin. "I'm writing here!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes and tossed the football back to Snoopy. "So, Snoopy, I guess I should thank you for adventure. Why'd you do it, anyway?"

"Just for kicks," smiled Snoopy. "Get it? Kicks?"

Hobbes just smiled again and continued to play.

* * *

This is partially inspired by one night where I happened to look out my window and see two people drive by, stop their car, get out, look at our tree, and then leave. I still don't know what that was all about, but it was certainly creepy. I was thinking about it once, and I realized that the only thing that was weird about it was that I didn't know WHY they were there, especially at that hour. It's the fear of the unknown.

As for the whole Punter thing, there was a Peanuts story where Charlie Brown's football gets kicked around every night by a figure he dubs as "The Mad Punter," who is revealed to be Snoopy (although the readers find out before Charlie Brown does). With this in mind, I decided to write a suspenseful story with a silly ending.

I thought about having the kids never find out it was Snoopy, but I had no idea how they would get home. Hitch a ride? Jump on a car? Have Snoopy drive them, but they don't know it's Snoopy? I considered having Calvin write about their adventure never knowing who the Punter was, but in the end, he had to be revealed.

It's more of a mood story, I think.


	33. Supersize Ed

Bowser say gloomily up in his tower, looking down at Darkland. Yes, he was the ruler (and a pretty decent one, actually), but that just didn't matter right now. What good was he when he was waging an endless war with a bunch of stupid kids? A war that he was _losing_, at that! It wasn't right. Something had to be done; some measures had to be taken!

It was for this reason that Bowser had sent two of his kids, Iggy and Lemmy, to spy on the campers. He had tried sending another Koopaling, Larry, to spy on them previously, but things ended up backfiring spectacularly. He hoped that Iggy and Lemmy would fare better.

To Bowser's great delight, the two sons returned quite quickly, holding something. "We did it, King Dad!"

Bowser brightened up instantly. "You did? What's that?"

"It's a video!" cried Lemmy. "We found it inside an old camera that was lying around! The place was a dump, and there was no one there, but we got this!"

"They were too cheap to go digital, I guess," said Iggy with a distasteful sniff.

Roy, the toughest of the children gave Lemmy a hard punch in the face and snatched the tape away. "Score!" he cheered. "Time for a movie night!"

Soon Bowser and all the Koopalings were gathered around the TV set. It was lucky that Ludwig and Iggy had collaborated earlier to make a VCR compatible with video tapes of all regions.

"What's so great about some old video?" whined Wendy. "It's probably just some old home movies or something boring like that."

"That's what I'm hoping," Bowser said with a determined look on his snout. "It might be boring, but we'll get a chance to observe those little brats and maybe get some inspiration on how to actually win for once."

All of the Koopalings rolled their eyes at this, except the youngest son, Jr, who adored his father more than anything. "Yeah!" squeaked Jr. "We'll get those kids for sure this time, Papa!"

Bowser smiled and pressed "play" on the remote.

The screen lit up with the faces of Calvin, Hobbes, Jason, and Marcus. Bowser snarled.

"Greetings and salutations," said Jason. "Welcome to our documentary on the horror that has befallen our camp. A dark cloud has passed over us recently, a cloud known only as 'McEddy's.'"

"Ed, Edd, and Eddy," continued Marcus, "are re-attempting their restaurant scam. The last time they faced destruction at the hands of the Kanker sisters. This time, however, the girls seem to be distracted by the football players who are training nearby, giving the Eds a chance to work stress-free."

Calvin waved to the camera. "Hey, everybody! I'm the test subject!"

Jason nodded. "That's right. In order for our award-winning film to work (I say this with the assumption that we'll win awards in the future), we needed Calvin here to be our guinea pig, so to speak."

"He's going to kill himself is what's going to happen," muttered Hobbes.

"Shut up!" Calvin shot at his tiger. "If you're not going to help, then you can just go nap somewhere!"

"You need me," argued Hobbes. "I'm the eye candy and you can market some plushes of me afterwards. I always thought that I would look cute as a stuffed animal for some reason."

"Calvin is going to eat nothing but food from McEddy's for a week," said Jason. "Assuming he can live long enough."

"WHAT?"

"Hey, it'll make you rich," Jason shrugged. "We are going to prove without a doubt that the food at this vile excuse for a restaurant is bad for you!"

The scene changed to a view of McEddy's, which was the art room's closet converted to look somewhat like a crude McDonald's that had been constructed out of cardboard. Eddy stood in front, looking quite happy, despite the message that the documentary was trying to convey.

"So you really want to film a commercial about our restaurant?" Eddy was saying happily.

"We sure do!" said Jason's voice from behind the camera.

"I gotta say that I really appreciate that," said Eddy. "You're saving me and the guys a lotta trouble by doing this for us. Plus, I wrote a jingle and everything!"

Eddy then began to sing and dance to the tune of "You Can't Keep a Good Dog Down" from _All Dogs Go to Heaven_.

_**Oh, you can't keep these burgers down**_

_**No you can't keep these burger's down**_

_**They're the best you'll find after workin' the grind**_

_**With all the cheese and fries like these**_

_**You'll leave Wendy's behind**_

_**And we serve them by quarter pounds**_

_**No you can't keep these burgers down!**_

Jason turned the camera to face himself. "Note how he uses annoyingly catchy music to seduce the innocent."

"What?" called Eddy.

"I said that was a great song."

The next shot showed Calvin approaching the cardboard counter. "I am about to order the 'FillEd O' Fish,'" he told the camera. "I'm a little nervous about what I'm getting into, but they're got a cartoon pirate who says it's good, and I never met a pirate that I didn't trust."

Ed handed Calvin the FillEd and grinned at the camera. "I am merely a waiter now, but someday I may rise above it all and become a bus driver!"

"Nice aspiration," said Marcus, who was the one behind the camera this time.

The shot changed again to Calvin sitting outside, holding the mysterious fish food. Hobbes sat next to him, eyeing it hungrily.

"So the rules say that you have to eat all of it?" Hobbes complained.

"Yep," said Calvin. He took a bite and promptly began to vomit.

Hobbes cringed. "I don't think I want it anymore."

The vomiting went on for a while. Nearly five minutes, actually, but Bowser decided that it was better to fast-forward through this. When he stopped, the screen showed a dramatic shot of Calvin walking through the hallway, saying nothing. Jason and Marcus's voices could be heard in the background.

"So why are we filming this?" Marcus was heard asking.

"Because we need to feel empathy for Calvin after he hurled his brains out," replied Jason. "I figure we'll add some really grim music playing here or something. This is the money shot."

Calvin was suddenly leaning against the wall, as if in pain.

"Ooh, extra angst!" Jason cried happily. "He's good!"

Calvin began to vomit again.

"I can't tell if that ruined it or made things better," Jason murmured to himself.

Calvin fell facedown into the vomit.

"Yeah, it's better," decided Marcus.

What appeared to be a montage began next. Calvin was shown in several shots painfully choking down the vile food from the restaurant, appearing a little fatter each time. The final shot had him looking a bit like a blimp.

"I'm rather concerned about this," said Hobbes, eyeing Calvin's pudgy body. "It's only been two days. Honestly, you're looking a little more appetizing than the food right now." The tiger licked his lips.

"Lay off!" Calvin cried frantically. He quickly began to waddle away.

Hobbes watched for a minute and then sighed. "I wouldn't feel right eating him in this state. It would be like eating a pug. Adorably ugly, and his wobbly way of walking makes him too pathetic a target."

"I'm concerned too," Jason confessed from behind the camera, "but we're doing this for the sake of science, art, and money. We have to see it through."

Another cut showed Jason sitting against the wall, trying to look as serious as possible. "Times are hard," he announced. "We showed kids a picture of the McEddy's mascot, 'Grumpus,' and all the kids were able to instantly label him as 'Double D in some kind of purple suit.' However, we then showed them a picture of our president and no one recognized the guy! Everyone thought it was a picture of John Goodman!"

Marcus focused on the picture that Jason was holding. "Jason, that IS a picture of John Goodman."

"It is? Weird. Why do I have a picture of John Goodman?"

The next shot showed Calvin floating with ease through the pool. "At least I'm naturally buoyant," he grumbled, before throwing up again, to the displeasure of everyone else in the pool.

The camera turned to Marcus, who was sitting on the edge, completely unfazed at this point. "We have to do something about this," he said casually. "Our reliance on barf humor will receive some panning from the critics."

"C'mon, the public loves it!" argued Jason, who turned the camera to focus on a shocked Jimmy, who had fainted into the water upon seeing the floating puke. A few seconds passed and he didn't pop back up.

"JIMMY!" shrieked Sarah.

A crowd of kids gathered around as Sarah pulled Jimmy out of the water. Snoopy was over in an instant giving him mouth-to-mouth. Jason, of course, was sure to film every second of it.

"He'd better know what he's doing!" Sarah growled to Charlie Brown. "He's YOUR dog, Charlie Brown!"

"Hey, it's working!" Susie cried eagerly.

Indeed, Jimmy was opening his eyes! He saw Snoopy's face and shrieked in horror. "AAAAHHH! I've been kissed by a dog! My face is on fire! I'm unclean! I'm tainted!"

Snoopy looked indignant and tossed Jimmy back into the pool, where he once again didn't resurface. Pandemonium broke out again.

With a big grin, Jason turned the camera to his own face. "See? Without us, no one would ever experience hilarious antics like this!"

The screen changed to feature Double D sitting on a chair against a blank wall somewhere, possibly one of the building's gyms. It appared to be some sort of interview.

"Honestly," Double D was saying to the camera, "Eddy is quite a capable chef when he actually focuses on his work. He tends to get a little distracted when it comes to scams like these, however. I myself have not yet gotten a chance to sample his wares, but Calvin seems to enjoy the cooking, despite it not quite agreeing with him. Hmm. That was an understatement, wasn't it?"

The next shot showed Calvin trudging down the sidewalk at night. He was groaning and singing his own sarcastic version of Eddy's jingle:

_**Oh, I can't keep these burgers down**_

_**No, I can't keep these burgers down**_

_**I'll regurgitate the food I just ate**_

_**You**_…

"Aw, suck it up!" ordered Jason, cutting of the song.

"I wouldn't advise that," said Hobbes, who was trailing behind them. "He might just throw up again."

"We're going over to Eddy's house," explained Marcus. "Calvin's had his breakfast and lunch, but camp closed before dinner and we forgot to order an extra meal to go. We're gonna see if Eddy has anymore food at his house."

The scene immediately cut to Marcus knocking on Eddy's front door. Eddy opened it and glared. "Okay, this camera thing is really creeping me out."

"Sorry," said Jason. "We just love to capture some magic moments."

Eddy rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, randomly showing up here with a camera is weird, that's all. You guys are lucky that Calvin's my only customer or…"

"What?" Calvin said, snapping to attention.

"Yeah," said Eddy. "I'm probably gonna shut down McEddy's soon. I appreciate your business, but no one else was interested. How come you never aired that commercial?"

The camera suddenly took a sharp turn down and the screen showed nothing but the sidewalk, implying that Jason was no longer holding it up, but that he had actually accidently left the camera on instead.

"This is terrible!" moaned Jason. "Now our movie won't have a point! If no one's eating there already, how are we supposed to warn them what a disgusting place it is? This isn't groundbreaking at all!"

Eddy's shrill voice was heard next. "IS THAT WHY YOU WERE FILMING ME? I'M GONNA KILL YOU GUYS!"

The screen became a blur as the boys made a run for it. Calvin was heard screaming in the background.

"He got me!" Calvin cried. The camera caught a glimpse of Eddy on top of Calvin. Hobbes joined the fray to defend his chubby friend and the camera turned away again as Jason and Marcus kept running.

The next shot was in the woods. Nightvision was on and Jason and Marcus were huddled together in fear.

"We left him," Marcus murmured.

"He'd have done the same thing," Jason said shakily. "We all knew what we were getting into."

"My only regret," sighed Marcus, "is that we still had too much throw up humor. That's a step below poop humor."

"I'd say it's a step above," disagreed Jason.

"Maybe it depends on your taste."

"Really? They both probably taste terrible."

There was a pause as both boys couldn't help but laugh.

"I'll admit that's funny," said Marcus, before flinching at the sound of something snapping in the distance.

The shot changed yet again to only Jason hiding in the camp's main closet. "Eddy was waiting this morning," he wheezed. "I got away; Marcus didn't. This movie may never be finished. If anyone finds this tape, I just want to say that—"

In the background, the door opened, revealing the blurry figure of Eddy. "You deserve a break!" he growled, before tackling a screaming Jason.

The screen went black. The movie was over.

The Koopas stared at the screen in open-mouthed terror. All of them but Larry.

"I told you guys they were messed up," Larry muttered to the rest of his family.


	34. The New Kid Again

Something was wrong. Well, not so much wrong as it was different. It was not such a typical day at camp.

Calvin walked inside with Hobbes as he had done on so many other mornings and was taken aback to see a _new kid_ leaning against a vending machine in the building's lobby.

He looked like your average ten-year-old, but two things set him apart. One was his hair-an enormous afro that was half as big as he was. The other was his face. He had a kind of glare that didn't explicitly express any hatred, and yet had an ominous essence about it, an "I don't have anything against you, but it's best not to get on my bad side" kind of vibe.

Calvin stared at the boy for a second before Hobbes broke the silence, startling the titular boy. "I see we have a new kid."

Calvin jumped a few feet in the air, his trance having been broken. "Yikes! Hobbes, I told you never to surprise me when I'm in awe!"

"You've been in awe at a box of cereal before."

"Hey, it turned the milk chocolate! That's an awe-inspiring idea. Look, that's not important. We have a new kid! This might be bad news."

"Why would it be bad news?" Hobbes asked innocently. "After all, weren't we new kids once?"

"Yeah," said Calvin, "but since us, the last two new kids didn't last long. One was a borderline psychopath and the other might have been an alien or something. Plus, that kid just looks scary."

Against his better judgment, Calvin approached the boy. "Uh, hi," Calvin said with a nervous smile.

The boy looked up at him with a glare and gave a nod. "Hello," he finally said. "My name's Huey. I don't remember you from last year."

"Last year?" repeated Calvin. "You've been here before?"

"Yeah," Huey mumbled. "I'm gonna be clear on one thing right away and I don't mean any offence. I'm not here for friendship. I'm here against my will because my Granddad thinks that I need socialization with other kids. Needless to say, it won't be happening."

Calvin blinked. "I'm Calvin and this is Hobbes."

"Nice to meet you, I guess," said Huey, before turning away.

With a quick glance at Huey, Calvin and Hobbes hurried into the main room where everything looked exactly how it always looked. The addition of Huey barely seemed to have affected things at all, and yet Calvin couldn't help shake the creepy feeling that he had gotten.

"So…" Calvin said to his friends, "anyone notice the angsty new kid out there?"

"Yeah, that's just Huey," Jason said calmly.

"Just Huey?" cried Calvin. "Why didn't you tell me about him before? He makes me look normal! And how come he wasn't mentioned in that flashback musical episode?"

"He was conveniently absent," shrugged Marcus.

"Even if was there," said Eddy, "he wouldn't have done anything."

"Huey is what we would call antisocial," said Double D. "Whenever he does talk to anyone, it's about the government's various plots to kill us or something along those lines."

"Is he right?" asked Hobbes.

"I'd rather not talk about it," Double D shuffled a bit.

"And his eyes!" moaned Ed. "I am afraid that he means to melt me with them!"

"So everyone's afraid of him," Calvin deduced.

"Yep," said Eddy. "Even Kevin, Moe, and the Kankers won't go near him!"

"It was always an unspoken plan that if Huey ever came back, we would just pretend that nothing's changed," explained Jason. "Essentially, nothing has. It's like Eddy says, he never really does anything anyhow. He doesn't like any of us."

"Just be happy that his little brother Riley isn't here," said Eddy. "That kid got kicked out the first day."

"HEY, CHARLIE BROWN!" cried a worried voice.

The kids looked up to see Susie and Linus quickly leading Charlie Brown away from the door.

"I was just going to get a drink…" began Charlie Brown.

"Sometimes your body plays tricks on you," Linus said hurriedly. "Maybe a game of Uno will make you feel better."

"We forgot to mention one other thing," said Marcus. "Huey and Charlie Brown must NEVER talk to each other. We had to keep them separated all of last summer."

"How come?" asked Hobbes.

"Think about it," said Eddy. "We've got the most pessimistic person in the world and the most depressed person in the world in one building. Who knows how it would play out? None of us are taking chances, not even Lucy!"

"It's a game of keep away!" Ed cried happily.

"So they won't let Charlie Brown go into the hall because Huey's out there?" Calvin said, raising his eyebrow. "That seems like a bit much."

Jason motioned to Snoopy, who was dancing to an imaginary tune. "If you haven't noticed, this whole camp is a bit much."

...

Everyone was down by the pool, having fun. Everyone but Huey, who simply sat on a bench, alone.

"I hated this camp when I got here," Calvin remarked as he watched the boy sitting alone. "Now I really like it. What made me change my mind so fast, Hobbes?"

"You made friends with some of the kids and went on adventures," replied Hobbes. "You live for that kind of stuff, remember?"

"Yeah, I guess I do. Maybe Huey would want to go on an adventure, too!"

Calvin jumped out at Huey later. "Come, citizen!" Calvin cried, while imagining himself in his Aqua Calvin persona. "There's an ocean of trouble out there! Are you willing to help me and my tiger sidekick defend the sea?"

Huey just glared.

With a nervous shrug, Calvin quickly dove back into the pool.

...

Afterwards in the locker room, Calvin dragged a cardboard box over to Huey. "I know a fun game," Calvin said. "You choose an animal and then just get under this Transmogrifier and you can actually BECOME it!"

Huey just glared.

Calvin flipped the box over. "What about going back in time? Or to the future? Everyone's wanted to do that!"

This was met with more glaring.

Calvin gulped and turned the box on its side. "Okay, I never wanted to do this again, but what about cloning? Ever want to clone yourself?"

"Man should never aspire to be a god," Huey said coldly and walked away.

Hobbes peeked out of the box. "Okay, I'm confident that this kid could stare down any predator he wanted."

"Maybe he's not a box person," mused Calvin.

...

When they got back to camp it was SNACK TIME. Huey sat by himself, far away from everyone else. Calvin watched him sadly from the distance.

"This guy is really bringing me down," sighed Calvin.

"Why do you care about him so much?" asked Hobbes. "You're not the most empathetic person in the world."

"Everyone needs someone," said Calvin. "Even Moe has a weird pseudo-friendship going with Kevin. But everyone's so scared of Huey. Heck, I'm scared of him. I figure if we can get him to lighten up, there will be less stress around here."

Charlie Brown, who was sitting next to them, pointed at Huey. "Who's that over there?"

"NO ONE!" shouted Rolf, who pulled the round-headed kid out of the room. "Come, we can discuss livestock and mulch!"

"That'll get old fast," Calvin muttered to himself. "Looks like we're gonna have to resort to drastic measures, Hobbes. Get the disco ball."

A minute later, the lights dimmed. Suddenly, the room was full of color from a disco ball that suddenly dangled from the ceiling. Out danced Calvin in a "Saturday Night Fever" suit with a microphone.

"This one goes out to the camper in the corner," he announced. "I'm talkin' about Huey!"

The other campers all gulped. Huey just glared.

(To the tune of "Let's Make Music Together" from _All Dogs Go To Heaven_)

Calvin: _**Hey, come on Mr. Huey**_

_**Give your spirits a lift**_

_**Oh, smile and the world smiles with you**_

_**Be positive, an optimist, if you're catchin' my drift**_

_**There ain't nothing like grinning**_

_**Show us all that you can**_

_**Oh, smile and the world smiles with you**_

_**Cheering you up's my whole plan**_

_**We'll really lighten the mood, come on dude**_

_**Escape that depression's weight, it'll be great**_

_**Because it's just like I said**_

_**How a smile can spread**_

_**Oh, so fast**_

_**So, so fast**_

_**So come on Mr. Huey**_

_**Please just give us a grin**_

_**Oh, smile and the world smiles with you**_

_**Cause your frown is kinda really scary**_

_**Smile and the world smiles with you**_

_**When you do, we all win!**_

We all win!

"Your turn!" Calvin cried happily. He sang again, "_**Hey, come on Mr. Huey**_…" and extended the microphone out. Huey said nothing. "Uh," Calvin nervously tried to continue. "_**Smile and the world smiles with you**_, come on and join in!"

Huey just glared.

"Well, this is awkward," said Calvin.

"Why are you doing this?" Huey finally asked.

"Because people should be happy and have fun!" Calvin blurted out. "But you don't seem to understand that! Or maybe I just don't understand YOU!"

Everyone gasped. No one had ever talked that way to Huey. Of course, pretty much no one had ever talked to him, period.

"We're not all that different," Huey mused.

"What?"

"In strange way," Huey continued, "we have the same idea. We both have our philosophies on life. I see it as bleak and oppressive and you see it as some sort of sugar rush. We both share those beliefs with others who disagree, which greatly frustrates us. And yet we never stop trying."

Calvin smiled. "So you agree with me?"

"No."

"Are we friends?"

"Friendship is a difficult word to define."

"Oh."

"It's easier to say no," said Huey. With that, he walked out of the room. "I gotta get some air."

As he was walking to the water fountain, he bumped right into Rolf and Charlie Brown. There was a long, terrifying silence as Charlie Brown and Huey stared at each other. Then, Huey continued over to the fountain.

"Why…why did you say nothing to the round boy?" Rolf asked. "We have been trying for a year to…"

"Everything I had to say, he's already heard," replied Huey.

Charlie Brown just sighed.

* * *

Wow, a REAL new Calvin at Camp! So sorry for the wait, everyone. There was a lot of planning put into this, seeing as it's an actual new character. I tried to be as careful as possible with Huey and I hope that everyone likes the inclusion.

Just to let you know, though, Huey's not the only new kid who's going to appear. Soon a whole separate camp will be showing up...

Two _All Dogs Go To Heaven_ songs in a row. That was a total coincidence.


	35. Howdy Neighbor

Calvin and Hobbes stepped out of the car and breathed in the fresh morning air. With a wave to his mom, Calvin headed towards the rec center where camp was, with his tiger following him.

(To the tune of "Mountain Town" from _South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut_)

Calvin: _**It's another typical day**_

_**Every story starts out this way**_

Hobbes: _**Though**_ _**the morning dew's wet, our mood it can't cramp**_

Both: _**On another Monday morning in our little summer camp**_

Hobbes: _**Everything is as it should be**_

_**Everyone's bursting with energy**_

Calvin: _**No one's spirits ever slightly damp**_

Hobbes: _**All the kids seem to be in a good mood**_

(Kevin: What's taking so long?)

Hobbes: _**Though we've still got typical feuds**_

Both: _**It's a normal Monday morning in our crazy little summer camp! **_

"What's on the agenda today, guys?" Calvin asked the Eds, who appeared to be hard at work on something.

"We're constructing a skateboard ramp for Kevin," explained Double D, "and presumably the rest of the camp when he's finished using it."

"Hey!" Kevin shouted. "I didn't pay you to stand around and talk!"  
"We got civil rights too, ya know!" Eddy shot back.

"How did you get him to hire you?" asked Hobbes.

Ed smiled blankly. "We got the tools."

Double D: _**Personally, I like this peace**_

_**Maybe a short truce at the least**_

_**Who knew we'd make amends with just a ramp?**_

Eddy: _**And if we make some cash as well this way**_

Ed: _**We'll get a ton of gray-vaay!**_

All Three: _**It can pay off sometimes in our simple little summer camp**_

Walking away, Calvin turned to his tiger friend. "Ever think we're a little sheltered, Hobbes?"

"Sheltered? We opened up another world full of turtles and mushrooms!"

"No, I mean sheltered in 'the real world.' We've explored lots of those magical lands, but I bet that there's tons of stuff here around camp and the university that we've never seen! We're neglecting our sense of adventure! There's probably a lot of neat undiscovered stuff out there!"

Calvin: _**We've met grotesques and explored the pool**_

_**That's just a tip of the iceberg cool**_

_**I think our lives could use a slight revamp**_

Hobbes: _**There's a lotta stuff that we've still yet to chart**_

_**And I agree we should start**_

Calvin: That's right!

Both: _**This**_ _**Monday morning in our little, freaky, oddball, crazy summer camp!**_

A few moments later, Calvin and Hobbes set off with Jason and Marcus out into the bustling campus.

"So what do we explore first?" asked Jason.

"Well," said Calvin, "there are a lot of buildings we haven't seen the inside of. Let's head to the dorms and check them out. We've only seen one of them so far."

"Think we'll see any of the other summer camps here?" wondered Marcus.

Hobbes nodded thoughtfully. "Gee, we never really pay attention to them, except for that cheerleader camp that one time…"

"Yeesh, don't remind me," shuddered Jason.

Calvin suddenly noticed something, or rather someone, hiding behind a tree as they neared the dorms. It was a little boy around their age, who was quite obese and inexplicably dressed up for the winter.

"So," muttered Cartman (the fat boy), "we seem to have ourselves a quartet of trespassers…"

Cartman: _**Look at those stupid other gahs**_

_**Sneaking on our grounds**_

_**This camp is our territ'ry**_

_**So I can smack 'em legally**_

_**Because they're on our land which is technically out of bounds!**_

"Did you see some fat kid watching us?" Calvin whispered to his friends as Cartman ran off.

"Must be another camper," Jason whispered back.

"He looked weirder than us," remarked Marcus.

"Wait up!" called Eddy.

The boys turned around to see the Eds running after them. Their thoughts of Cartman were momentarily forgotten.

"We've gotta lay low for a while!" Eddy panted. "That ramp thing didn't go over well."

"There's splinters EVERYWHERE!" cheered Ed.

"Not to mention that its only real purpose was to rhyme with 'camp,'" added Double D.

All Seven: _**There is a lot here to explore**_

_**Acres and acres and so much more**_

_**Life is a new adventure ev'ry day**_

_**And I think we've really grown to like it here**_

_**But we have all just made that clear**_

Marcus: Really clear…

All: _**Cause that's what we call our crazy, die-hard, reckless, dorky, spastic**_

Calvin:_** Awesome!**_

All: _**Pup Camp way!**_

…

Indeed, the campus held many other places to be explored, and as Marcus had noted, many other camps. One camp in particular wasa actually living nearby in the dorms that Calvin and his group were headed for.

Despite being from several states over, this camp was made of us kids from a little mountain town in Colorado. They were here, in an Illinois camp, due to their strange talent for getting into trouble and/or involved with global conspiracies. Frankly, their parents didn't want to deal with it for one summer, and so they were all shipped off to a campus far away.

And for some reason, they were all still dressed for the winter. Old habits die hard, I guess.

"It's weird," one of the kids, Stan, was saying to his friends, "but I kinda miss home. I mean, I like just getting to be a kid and all, but it's been weeks since we got to save the Internet or something."

"Are you kidding?" replied his friend, Kyle, "this is great! I think it's a relief that we don't have to fight giant trapper-keepers or some crap like that. Even Cartman's kind of mellowed out! That's worth a boring summer to me!"

"You gahs! You gahs!" shouted Cartman, running over as fast as he could (which was always a comical sight). "I saw them! I saw them!"

"Who?" their friend Kenny asked, muffled by his hood. "Visitors?"

"No, Kinny, ya moron. I saw other gahs. From that other camp! It's finally happened!"

"Oh yeah," said Stan. "I wondered if we'd ever meet them. They're always singing and stuff."

"Must be a theater camp," said Kyle. "I guess meeting them won't result in any kind of apocalypse. Heck, it might be kind of fun, almost."

"What are you talking about?" shouted Cartman. "They're our rivals! Like in the movies! We can't let them waltz in here like they own the place! We to asset ourselves! Show our authoritah! State our dominance!"

"Aw, great," muttered Kyle, "here it goes."

"Here WHAT goes?" growled Cartman.

"You make a big deal about everything. Here we are having a peaceful few weeks for once, and you have to look for conflict everywhere! Just let them take their stupid walk! They're not bothering anyone!"

"Attention, everyone!" Cartman announced to all of his fellow campers. "I have spotted our rivals making a sneak attack and Kahl here thinks that we should just let them have their way with us!"

"Jeepers!" cried Butters, another little boy. "Have their way with us?"

"Yes," Cartman said dramatically. "Clearly, Kahl is out of his mind and should be detained in a rubber room. But since no one ever supports me on that idea, support me on this: The other gahs must be stopped before they can start."

"Start what?" called Clyde, yet another boy.

"Having their way with is!" Cartman shouted, exasperated. "Gah, weren't you listening?"

"Well, that sounds kinda icky," said Butters. "What should we do?"

"We have our way with them first," said Cartman. "Follow me."

"That still sounds icky…"

…

Calvin, Hobbes, and the others walked into the South Park camp building and looked around. It wasn't too shabby, just a normal dorm building.

"Hey, you guys better get out of here!" called a voice.

Calvin and his friends turned around to see Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approaching them.

"Get out?" said Calvin. "But we were just saying hello…"

"We're fine with you guys hanging around," explained Kyle, "but there's this other kid, Eric Cartman, who's totally gonna screw with you. He's a real jerk."

"There's seven of us," said Eddy, "we can take him!"  
"You don't know fatbutt the way we do," said Kyle.

Stan blinked. "Did you say 'fatbutt?'"

"Weird," Kyle murmured. "I meant to say fataaaah…fataaah…fataaaaah…butt."

"This is freaky," mumbled Kenny.

"What's wrong?" asked Marcus.

"It's like I can't swear!" cried Kyle. "I can't swear!" He ran off in confusion.

"You'd better leave," Stan told the kids again. He and Kenny followed their friend.

"So much for exploring," mused Hobbes.

…

Kyle sat in a bathroom stall, panting and panting. "Why can't I swear?" he wondered aloud.

"It's because of the other gahs," said a familiar voice.

"Cartman!" cried Kyle. "Quit spying on me in the bathroom!" He opened the door to find Cartman, Stan, Kenny, and Butters standing outside.

"This is bigger than you think, Kahl," Cartman said dramatically. "Imagine the prospects of never being able to swear again."

"I'd go crazy!" gasped Kyle

(To the tune of Uncle ****a from _South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut_)

Cartman: Things _**are not the same without swearing**_

Kyle: No_**, it's really very different without swearing**_

Stan: _**Though sometimes it really has no class**_

_**I like to say bad words like…butt?**_

Butters: _**This is really weird without swearing**_

Kenny (muffled): _**I feel like a different person with no swearing**_

Kyle: _**I really can't get over it**_

_**It just makes me wanna scream…poop?**_

"But it can't just be because of a few new kids hanging around," protested Kyle. "It just doesn't make sense."

"Dude, we've been trying to swear with no luck," mused Stan. "And weirder things have happened around here."

"We're M and they're K plus," explained Cartman. "I don't know how to explain what that means, but it makes perfect sense to me! They're the reason we can't swear!"

All: _**This is super lame with no swearing**_

_**No, things sure are not the same with no swearing**_

Cartman_**: It does not define who I am**_

_**But I still like to say…darn?**_

Lame.

All: _**Without swearing**_

_**We feel so freaking weird**_

_**Gosh darn!**_

_**Without swearing!**_

…

Calvin walked back towards the Rec Center with the others. They were all dejected and rather confused. Still, adventures don't always work out the way you want them to. It appeared that this one was over. Until…

"Hey!" cried Calvin. "Let's have a shindig!"

"A shindig?" repeated Eddy. "What are you talking about?"

"We can have a shindig and invite everyone!" explained Calvin. "I'm gonna make some invitations!"

Calvin began to run back to the Rec Center as fast as he could. Hobbes sighed and sprinted after him.

"Why are you doing all this?" the tiger asked his best friend. "It's obvious that those kids didn't like any of us."

"They have no reason not to like us," snorted Calvin. "At least not yet, anyways. Besides, when I have an idea, I go through with it! No matter how risky!"  
"Or how stupid."

"Yeah! Or how…hey!"

…

Back at the South Park camp, Kyle sat in a corner and thought to himself.

"You okay, dude?" Stan asked him.

"I just don't get it," said Kyle. "I understand that some people don't like to swear around certain friends, but being physically unable to swear at all? That's just not right. No, it's impossible! I'm not gonna believe Cartman! Not this time!"

Just then, they heard someone singing. They turned to see Calvin running around from kid to kid handing out invitations.

(To the tune of the "Monster Plantation" song)

Calvin: You're invited

_**To a shindig**_

_**A fun shindig**_

_**Where we can get to know each other**_

_**Come over to the Rec Center**_

_**We'll satisfy our thirst**_

_**Drink Kool-Aid till we burst**_

_**Alright now**_

_**We'll be happy**_

_**With this good time**_

_**Please give us a shot**_

_**We invite you**_

_**And delight you**_

_**We'll have fun**_

_**Everyone**_

_**We'll give it all we've got**_

_**We promise**_

_**You're invited**_

_**To a shindig…**_etc.

"What's a shindig?" asked Ike, Kyle's brother.

"It's like a party," explained Kyle.

"Yay!" cried Ike, hopping away.

"Well, Kahl," sneered Cartman, inching up beside his sometimes friend, "it may be time for you to put your money where your no-longer-potty-mouth is."

* * *

There you have it; the South Park kids are here! I was worried that I wouldn't have enough material for this story, so I shoved in three songs. If you're wondering, "Monster Plantation" is a ride at Six Flags Over Georgia. It's been updated recently and renamed Monster Mansion. The song is crazy catchy.


End file.
